What do you do when you realise your best friends are not realy your friends?

karend93

Im 18 and ive been friends with my friends since I was about 13, there's a group of maybe 6 to 8 of us with 2 or 3 of them being really close to me. We've grown up together, we know everything about each other but lately things have changed maybe within the last year or so. I know people change but I just feel like they just don't care about me anymore, they'd let me do stupid things or leave me when I need them or would let me get hurt and say things behind my back and not feel a bit or remorse. I just think they dont think twice about me sometimes? and they've become more selfish as we've grown up and for some reason i'm just a caring person and I care about them even when i know i shouldn't and even when I don't want to. Maybe as we've got older our lives have got more serious and we've got more secrets and issues and people have to be less open and more selfish but I just miss the way it used to be. I don't think they will ever be the same.
but do I hold on to them for the sake of the past and all our history together? Should I really care so much about people that don't care as much about me?

Killed By Death

karend93 wrote: »

they'd let me do stupid things or leave me when I need them or would let me get hurt and say things behind my back and not feel a bit or remorse.

Op, I'm just guessing here, but maybe they feel you are a bit too dependant?

The things you've written there like they'd let you do stupid things, well it's not their job to police your actions. You are supposed to be grown up and taking charge of your own actions. Are you doing these 'stupid things' a lot and expecting your friends to deal with the aftermath all the time? If so, they will be finding that very annoying and I can't blame them!

As for 'leaving you behind when you need them' and 'letting you get hurt' -what do you mean? Are you very clingy or something? Maybe they are out and want to have a good time and not have to babysit you all night?

You know what I mean? As people get older they should be getting more independant and taking personal responsibility for their own welfare and actions, not expecting their friends to be minding them all the time.

Saying things behind your back is not nice though. That's wrong. They should tell you to your face if they have a problem with you.

But, do have a good look at your own behaviour and check that it's not the cause of the problem, if you are being clingy and dependant, make up your mind to start changing. Start standing on your own two feet and becoming more independant. That may work wonders for you.

Meanwhile maybe back off from those 'friends' for a while.

Aodh Rua

karend93 wrote: »

Im 18 and ive been friends with my friends since I was about 13, there's a group of maybe 6 to 8 of us with 2 or 3 of them being really close to me. We've grown up together, we know everything about each other but lately things have changed maybe within the last year or so. I know people change but I just feel like they just don't care about me anymore, they'd let me do stupid things or leave me when I need them or would let me get hurt and say things behind my back and not feel a bit or remorse. I just think they dont think twice about me sometimes? and they've become more selfish as we've grown up and for some reason i'm just a caring person and I care about them even when i know i shouldn't and even when I don't want to. Maybe as we've got older our lives have got more serious and we've got more secrets and issues and people have to be less open and more selfish but I just miss the way it used to be. I don't think they will ever be the same.
but do I hold on to them for the sake of the past and all our history together? Should I really care so much about people that don't care as much about me?

This is all part of growing up, and, providing you learn from these mistakes, you're so lucky you can make them at such a young age - some of us are making them way beyond that!

I think this is the best thing that can happen to you because you seem, as is common for a teenager, to be overdependent on people in your group. From an adult point of view, you shouldn't be, but it is very understandable that you are. Learning from this will be great for your self-confidence, appreciation of the boundaries which we all have, and will make you sharper for social interaction in later life.

Also, bear in mind that many, many people allow, out of a sense of loyalty, their friendships from schooldays to continue into adulthood way beyond the natural life of those "friendships". In school, we are usually confined to a small group. In college the choices become much more. Don't stay in negative relationships just out of some sense of loyalty to the past. We grow up, and out of those relationships. One of the best things I've ever done was break free from my secondary school group. There were "established" relationships and dynamics in that group that weren't favourable to my advancement. Be acutely conscious of these dynamics in your own relationships.

Go n-éirí an t-ádh leat/Best of luck.