Former FWB not there as a friend when I needed him

LegacyUser

I had a fwb thing with somebody a while ago. It ended like it should have done, I was never deluded enough to think that he cared for me romantically or that we were in a relationship. After a small falling out we agreed to still be friends. I've always appreciated his advice & recently something happened & I needed him as a friend but he wasn't there for me. I know he is in a relationship even though he hasn't told me. I am happy for him & wonder if the whole fwb thing has just completely messed everything up & he will always think I want more, even though all I want is friendship. I'd really appreciate a male perspective on this.

LegacyUser

Were you friends before you decided to become fwb's?

Some Guys go to ground once they start seeing someone new - has happened to me with two close friends. Once they started seeing someone, they disappear.

Also, and this is speaking as a guy, maybe he just doesn't care about your problem. I know some guys who just don't do other people's problems and like to keep "friendship" as a surface level fair weathered thing.

Wompa1

No offense and this will sound harsh but after that sort of situation. A lot of people who would say we should be friends, only say it as a pleasentry. I would think for a lot of guys in that situation they wouldn't fully respect the girl, she would turn from being a friend into being a sex toy. Going back to friends would be tough, whether yee acknowledged it or not there would be an undertone or tension between you. If he's not there for you I would suspect it's that tension rather than him thinking you might want more...unless you tried for more when your said argument happened??

LegacyUser

If he's not being friends with you because he doesn't respect you because you had sex with him (even though he presumable hasn't lost respect for himself after the encounter) and now things as you a sex sex toy instead of a human being, like Wompa1 says. Then you have haven't lost the friendship of anyone worth knowing, he wouldn't need to be quite a hypocrite, not to mention a misogynist to be going on like that. However this may be the case, these judgemental people are out there, making it more difficult for the rest of us.

I agree with Wompa1 though that these it can be awkward after a situation like this especially as he has a new girlfriend now. Maybe he was never really interested in a friendship with you in the first place and was only really in it for the sex.

In any case I think you should go to your other (real) friends in a crisis and move on from this situation. It can be hard when a friendship breaks down but these things can't be helped.

Big Bag of Chips

You are effectively an "ex". And now that he is in a relationship with someone else, he doesn't feel that it's appropriate to "be there" for you...

Well that would be my take on it anyway.

Move on. Get your help and support from a different friend.

EGAR

To be honest, OP, your choice of username worries me...

Killed By Death

OP, a f*ck buddy is the very last person you should be looking for emotional support from. The whole point of a FB arrangement is to keep emotions out of it!

Also if he has a GF now it's inappropriate to be sniffing around looking for attention from him. Let him alone. Really.

You're obviously not as close as you think you are if he didn't even tell you he had a GF.

going un-reg

You're looking for support from essentially a fcuk buddy, seriously? this is an issue for you?

That's what real friends are for.

Maple

EGAR wrote: »

To be honest, OP, your choice of username worries me...

Appreciate what you're trying to say but this has nothing to do with the topic at hand. Stay on topic going forward and stop looking for things that may not be relevant.

Maple

Sleepy

For those comparing it to a fuckbuddy thing, a Friend with Benefits is a completely different dynamic. Clue: one of the phrases has the word "friend" in it, the other has the word "buddy", a much more casual relationship.

To most, a FB is someone you see solely for the purposes of sex. A FWB is someone you're friends with that you share a bed with occasionally.

Katgurl

Well it depends if you were genuinely friends in the first place or not. You haven't really given any background.

Tbh though, even if you were the best of friends it always takes a bit of healing time to get back on track afterwards. If you were FWB who decided to just be friends afterwards then I think you need to get real, it's a phrase that is often trotted out to sugarcoat a break-up. Regardless if he concealed his new relationship you're not genuine friends.

ihsb

In my opinion, you should look to other friends for support. Thing is with FWB, if you were a really close friend then he wouldn't want to risk ruining the friendship by sleeping with you and if he liked you enough in that way (meaning it would only strengthen your relationship) then you would be his girlfriend now.

He has someone new and you are better off being around your real friends.

LegacyUser

Hi OP here, thanks for feed back. Agree about support from real friends. It wasn't a major thing & he wasn't the only person I contacted, did go to other friends as well. I guess replies confirm that there is no longer a friendship there (we were good friends before the fwb thing which was a while ago). I would have liked to have remained friends but think it's something he may not be comfortable with even though he said he wanted to be. I'm just sorry he doesn't have the guts to tell me this.
In regard to username, has nothing to do with my post & tbh a bit insulting to a great poet to be only remembered for committing suicide. Strangely my friend had once hinted at suicide & I was there for him so perhaps there is some strange Freudian reason I chose the username, who knows!!

minidazzler

SylviaPlath wrote: »

Hi OP here, thanks for feed back. Agree about support from real friends. It wasn't a major thing & he wasn't the only person I contacted, did go to other friends as well. I guess replies confirm that there is no longer a friendship there (we were good friends before the fwb thing which was a while ago). I would have liked to have remained friends but think it's something he may not be comfortable with even though he said he wanted to be. I'm just sorry he doesn't have the guts to tell me this.
In regard to username, has nothing to do with my post & tbh a bit insulting to a great poet to be only remembered for committing suicide. Strangely my friend had once hinted at suicide & I was there for him so perhaps there is some strange Freudian reason I chose the username, who knows!!

Very few friends with benefits situation survive the journey back to just friendship, it's not entirely impossible but it's very difficult and for the most part one person either won't want friendship or won't want JUST friendship.

It's a cursory thing to say yeah we'll still be friends but really it's not the same as before, for the most part it can't be.

I'd never refer to my former FWB's or FB's as exes, but they'd be treated roughly the same, with respect but on a long finger. There is a reason things end and unless that reason has changed the dynamic doesn't.