Doctor Doctor

Bootup

Darrell walks into his doctor's office and the receptionist
gives him a form to fill out and asks him what his problem is.

Darrell replied, I've got something wrong with my c*ck."

"Please watch your language!" scolds the receptionist.
"There are women and children in the waiting room."

Darrell leaves the office, only to return a few minutes later
and said to the receptionist, "I've got a problem with my ear."

"Now that's much better," says the receptionist. "What
wrong with your ear?"

"I can't piss out of it!"



*******************************************************

An 80-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up.

The doctor asked him how he was feeling and the 80-year-old said

"Things are great and I've never felt better. I now have a 20 year-old bride who is
pregnant with my child. So what do you think about that?"

The doctor considered his question for a minute and then began.
"I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid hunter and never misses a season.
One day when he was setting off hunting, he was in a bit of a hurry and
accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun. As he
neared a lake he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the
water's edge. He realised he'd left his gun at home and so couldn't
shoot the magnificent creature but out of habit he raised his cane,
aimed it at the animal as if it were his favourite hunting rifle and
went 'bang,bang'. Miraculously, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead.
Now, what do you think of that?" asked the doctor.
The 80-year-old said, "If you ask me, I'd say somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver."

The doctor replied, "My point exactly".


**************************************************

Two doctors, a psychiatrist and a proctologist, opened an office in a
small town and put up a sign reading: "Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones:
Hysterias and Posteriors."
The town council was not happy with the sign, so the doctors changed it
to read, "Schizoids and Hemorrhoids."
This was not acceptable either, so in an effort to satisfy the
council,they changed the sign to "Catatonics and High Colonics." No go.
Next, they tried: " Manic Depressives and Anal Retentives." Thumbs down
again.
Then came "Minds and Behinds." Still no good.
Another attempt resulted in "Lost Souls and Butt Holes." Unacceptable
again!
So they tried "Analysis and Anal Cysts." Not a chance.
"Nuts and Butts?" No way.
"Freaks and Cheeks?" Still no go.
"Loons and Moons?" Forget it.
Almost at their wit's end, the doctors finally came up with: "Dr. Smith
and Dr. Jones... Odds and Ends."
Everyone loved it!

Bootup

While in China, an American man is very sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom the entire time he is there.

A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning to find his penis covered with bright green and purple spots.
Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor. The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests
and tells the man to return in two days for the results.

The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor says, "I've got bad news for you, you've contracted Mongolian VD.
It's very rare and almost unheard of here in the US, we know very little about it."

The man looks a little perplexed and says, "Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up, Doc."

The doctor answers, "I'm sorry, there's no known cure. We're going to have to amputate your penis."

The man screams in horror, "Absolutely not! I want a second opinion!!!"

The doctor replies, "Well, it's your choice. Go ahead if you want, but surgery is your only option."

The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he'll know more about the disease.

The Chinese doctor examines his penis and proclaims, "Ah, yes, Mongolian VD. Vewy ware disease."

The guy says to the doctor, "Yeah, yeah, I already know that, but what can we do? My American doctor wants to cut off my penis!"

The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs. "Stupid American docttah, always want opawate. Make more money dat way. No need amputate!"

"Oh, thank God!" the man exclaims.

"Yes", says the Chinese doctor. "Wait two week. Faw off by itself!"

Bootup

"Doc, I can't stop singing, 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'" "That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome." "Is it common?" "It's Not Unusual."


A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't -- I've cut off your arms!"



Patient : "Doctor, you've got to help me. Every night I get the urge to go downstairs and stick my dick into the biscuit tin. Do you know what's wrong with me?"
Doctor : "Yes ... you're f*cking crackers."

Bootup

A man wakes up in hospital after a harrowing operation. The surgeon is standing beside him in the bed. He looks up at the surgeon - full of dread. Our man says timidly, "Well, how did the operation go?"

To which the surgeon replies, "Well, I've got some good news and some bad news."

"What's the good news?"

"We managed to save your testicles."

Our man breathes a big sigh of relief.

"What's the bad news?"

"They're under your pillow."

Bootup

A doctor answers his phone and hears the familiar voice of a colleague on the other end of the line.

"We need a fourth for poker," said the friend.

"I'll be right over," whispered the doctor.

As he was putting on his coat, his wife asked, "Is it serious?"

"Oh yes, quite serious," said the doctor gravely. "In fact, there are three doctors there already!"

Bootup

A woman goes to the doctor all black and blue ....
Doctor: "What happened?"

Woman: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time my husband comes home
drunk on Bud Light he beats me to a pulp."

Doctor: "I have a real good remedy for that. When your husband comes home
drunk on Bud Light, just take a glass of sweet tea and start swishing it in
your mouth but don't swallow. Just keep swishing and swishing until he goes to
bed in his Bud Light stupor."

Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.

Woman: "Doctor, that was a brilliant idea. Every time my husband came home
drunk on Bud Light, I swished with sweet tea. I swished and swished, and he didn't touch me!"

Doctor: "You see how much keeping your mouth shut helps?"

Bootup

This guy goes into a doctors and says "Doctor, Doctor you've gotta help me. I just can't stop having sex!"

"Well how often do you have it?" the doctor asks.

"Well, twice a day I have sex with my wife, TWICE a day", he answers back.

"That's not so much", says the doctor.

"Yes, but that’s not all. Twice a day I have sex with my secretary, TWICE a day," replies the man.

"Well that is probably a bit excessive," says the doctor.

"Yes, but that’s not all. Twice a day I have sex with a prostitute, TWICE a day," says the man.

"Well, that's definitely to much", says the doctor. "You've got to learn to take yourself in hand."

"I do", says the man. "Twice a day!"

Bootup

After his annual physical, the sexually active bachelor was waiting in the doctor's office for the results.
"Well," said the doctor, "I have good news and bad news for you."
"The way I feel, please give me the good news first" replied the bachelor.
"The good news," announced the doctor, "is that your penis has grown an additional four inches since your last exam."
"That's great!" the man shouted. "What's the bad news?"
It's malignant!

MonkieSocks

Just saw my doctor get knocked over as he was crossing the road.

I walked up to him as he gasped,

"Help me, please help, i think I'm badly hurt."

I said, "Oh, I'm sorry, doctor, I'm extremely busy at the moment, take these two aspirin and, if you don't feel any better, call me in the morning.

Bootup

A man was having problems with premature ejaculation, so he decided to go to the doctor. He asked the doctor what he could do to cure his problem.

In response, the doctor said, "When you feel like you are getting ready to ejaculate, try startling yourself."

That same day the man went to the store and bought himself a starter pistol.

All excited to try this suggestion, he ran home to his wife.

At home, he found his wife was in bed, naked and waiting.

As the two began, they found themselves in the celebrated 69 position.

The man, moments later, felt the sudden urge to ejaculate and fired the starter pistol.

The next day, the man went back to the doctor.

The doctor asked, "How did it go?"

The man answered, "Not that well. When I fired the pistol, my wife farted in my face, bit 3 inches off my dick, and my neighbor came out of the closet with his hands in the air."

Bootup

An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in her paintings that were on display.

"Well, I have good news and bad news," the owner responded. "The good news is that a gentleman noticed your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death. I told him it would and he bought all 10 of your paintings."

"That's wonderful," the artist exclaimed. "What's the bad news?"

"The gentleman was your doctor."

Bootup

Bootup

Doctor, Doctor




Doctor, Doctor I feel like a pair of curtains.
Well pull yourself together then.



Doctor, Doctor, everyone keeps ignoring me.
Next please!




Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking there is two of me.
One at a time please.

Bootup

Doctor, Doctor

Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking I'm invisible.
Who said that?




Doctor, Doctor My little boy has just swallowed a roll of film!
Hmmmm...Let's hope nothing develops.




Doctor, Doctor, I can't get to sleep.
Sit on the edge of the bed and you'll soon drop off.




Doctor, Doctor I've lost my memory!
When did this happen?
When did what happen?




Doctor, Doctor, I feel like a pack of cards.
I'll deal with you later.