Can it work?

LegacyUser

Hi all,

In summary, I'm 29 male and going out with a 29 year old female from the states. She is in college here as a mature student for the foreseeable future and we've been going out almost 7 months.

We get along great when things are good, she is really attractive, we have fun and we're comfortable in each other's skin, I really had seen myself marrying this girl, something I have never felt with anyone before, it felt so right from the start.

However, there are issues, issues I think could be fatal to the relationship. She's different than most people, she expects certain levels of service/professionalism and people to follow rules and will call people on it. I find it's usually over the top in my opinion. For example, dominos wouldn't come up to her apartment to deliver pizza a few months ago, apparently it's their policy. She is having none of it, let's the guy leave with the food and rings the manager of the store and complains, says she will be boycotting them even though they told her it's their policy not to allow drivers into buildings. I'm thinking this is way over the top, just go down and get the bloody thing and stop being lazy, but that's me, we had an argument about it because I was starving and just wanted pizza, I found the whole thing ridiculous. The argument didn't last long, I figured it's who she is and we let it go, It should have been a sign of things to come.

More recently, on a flight back home from a European city we had an incident on the plane which really shocked me. We were coming down the aisle looking for seats, they were running out quickly as we were one of the last few on. She saw 2 free beside each other, but there was an elderly man (~60) holding one of them for his wife who was a few places behind us. My girlfriend tries to take the seats, loudly saying do you have a reservation (ryanair of course we don't), well then we are taking these seats, you can't hold them etc. I'm getting very uncomfortable and embarrased at this stage and I just said look it's ok I'll sit up here you take the 1 remaining seat. F**k no she says, and motions for me to stand up them. I'm not interested in getting into a screaming match with an elderly couple on a plane, for the sake of a seat on a 2 hour flight. I just sat down and hoped it would calm down, she was still arguing with the lady. I looked back a few times during the flight to see if she was ok but got dagger looks and I'm thinking hold on why am I feeling nervous and anxious, what have I done here, I'm not going to get into fights with her when I don't agree with what she's doing, she showed no respect to those old people for the sake of a seat. Still I just sat there the whole way home worrying about what was going to happen.

When we were getting off the plane, I took both our bags and headed out, she just sat there even after I said are you coming. I waited outside the plane and then it hit me what she was doing. She waited until the whole plane emptied and made the couple sit there so she could pay them back for taking our seat. We had a full blown argument then, it was completely unacceptable what she did, but no, they were in the wrong and they needed to be inconvenienced because she was inconvenienced. I was so angry at her behaviour and we were just going in circles arguing and we stopped. We drove home in silence and I figured I needed time, so I dropped her off at her apartment and I left. We had time for more words before I left, apparently, I should have had her back, and backed her up. I will not change who I am for her, I wasn't brought up to speak to people like that, especially elders, so why should I now, just so I can show you I have your back. I'll defend her no problem if it's justified but not on that occasion.

That wasn't the first encounter with an old person, she called an elderly lady an old c*** a few month ago when the lady made a rude comment about her dog and the dog living in the apartment complex. Regardless, that sort of attitude towards a stranger is not acceptable, there are better ways to deal with those situations, and I don't want to be with someone who treats people that way.

Then for the rest of the day I had a chat with my family about the issues and unsurprisingly it shocked them too and I talked about other things that bother me too, saying them out loud to my family made me realise they aren't just small issues and I've been kind of ignoring them. There are money management issues that really worry me and crippling debt that she has right now, she spends money she doesn't have and doesn't seem to worry about consequences. She is in massive debt to the US and spends money like she's on a wage. She sleeps in until abnormal hours, 3 or 4 O'Clock on occasion and not just the weekend, and doesn't seem at all interested in her studies. When she is up she'll just watch TV shows in her free time, she doesn't really have any hobbies or interests and in the time I've been with her, rarely meets with friends outside of college. She doesn't cook ever, never exercises, eats and drinks rubbish all day and lets her place get into a horrible mess then does a big clean every few weeks or months, she acts like an 18 year old student, not a 28 year old one. Right now, I wouldn't be able to live with her, I'm the total opposite of all the above, but I'm not saying that in a condescending way like I am right and she is wrong, we are just different in those respects.

I say all this and it scares me because I probably can't change her and I don't want to try change who she is. I really want this to work because we are so good together when it's right, on our trip before the incident it was perfect and we had a wonderful time, we got on great. Is it possible for this to ever work or will the problems escalate? We are so different on many levels but it has been working for 7 months. Maybe it's me, maybe I'm too picky about things, I don't want to be telling her what to drink or eat, or to study, to clean her room, so perhaps it's that we're simply incompatible, but how has it worked so far. Maybe it's the vast cultural differences. All that said, I really miss her so much right now.

We are taking a few days apart and will be meeting this week. She told me she has never loved anyone like me and it hurt me to hear that as I feel the same. We were texting last night and she said she was so sorry to do this to me, she said she doesn't deserve me and she needs to save me from herself, which I'm not sure what to make of. I can't take the arguments again, I don't want to be on another plane journey feeling sick in the stomach the whole way home worrying about an impending argument when I shouldn't be, I hadn't done anything but try peacefully resolve a conflict. Until she realizes that her behaviour was completely unacceptable, I don't think there can be a future.

I'm sorry for the big post I'm going to stop writing now but this has really helped writing it out. Any comments are really appreciated.

Beruthiel

Whatever about her hissy fit regarding the pizza delivery, (which was childish and lazy) what she did to that old couple was unconscionable.
The worst part being the fact that she kept them on the plane to the very last. That's psycho behaviour OP and it would worry me greatly.
To treat any old person in the twilight of their life like that is appalling.
And after such waaaay over the top behaviour, she expected you to back her up!

If you stay with this woman, be prepared for many incidences like this one, with you being on the receiving end of it if you don't play ball.
This won't get better as she clearly does not believe she did anything wrong.
You may love her, but if she does this on a regular basis through out your relationship, you will loose all respect for her and that love will die.

R.D. aka MR.D

I think sometimes when you are in a relationship it is easy to focus on the good parts and ignore the bad parts. But sometimes the bad parts will catch up with you.

It is hard to let go of some one you like and get on well with because of problems like this but at the end of the day you have to if you are to be happy.

The way you have described her in your post makes me think that you don't like her very much now but you are in love with her and the relationship.

Meet up and talk about it, maybe give her one chance to change if you are comfortable with that but move on if she can't.

Best of luck
x

Beruthiel

R.D. aka MR.D wrote: »

Meet up and talk about it, maybe give her one chance to change if you are comfortable with that but move on if she can't.

OP
If you do decide to meet up with her, be very honest about what you think of her behaviour.
Remind her of the fact that if she is very lucky, she might get to old age, where you are weaker, have less strength and have to cope with various kinds of illness and ill health.
If she does get to that point, she had better hope that she never runs into somebody like her in her hour of need.
Kindness towards your fellow man costs nothing.
IMO - there is a giant flaw in her character.

Taltos

OP - I would be inclined for my own safety NOT to meet up with her or have any further contact.

Maybe extreme - but if she would do that to an old couple what do you think she will do to you when she believes she is 100% right and you need to be made to understand her viewpoint.

Not kidding here, maybe I would be overreacting but I would really be worried at her behaviour and would have major concerns at the lengths she would go to.

Squiggler

At best she sounds spoiled, immature, rude, inconsiderate and selfish... my gut instinct says "nutcase". This kind of behaviour rarely gets better, and while you find it difficult to cope when she's directing her "gall" at others there is no reason to think that she won't turn on you too.

I would run a mile from someone like her as an acquaintance, let alone friend or romantic partner.

It seems clear she has no intention of changing or taking your feelings into consideration.

Only you can decide how much you're willing to tolerate though. Good luck!

Neyite

Nearly every culture in the world respects their elderly (including America) and I am a firm believer that the way someone treats delivery/waiting staff /service personnel is the biggest indication of their true personality.
Sorry OP, she is just a horrible, angry person. Its not fair to every other american out there to assume her behaviour is cultural. Its not, she is just a bitch.

I would also re-iterate the suggestion that you make a clean quick getaway here - she has never backed down in an argument, and I cant see how it will end well for you if she refuses to accept your relationship is over. She seems overly hostile and obsessive. You seem like a really nice person and deserve far better than her.

midnight_train

'Maybe it's the vast cultural differences.'

Sorry, just had to jump in here.

I am American and would never in a million years act this way. Please don't put this horrible behaviour down to cultural differences. Please don't. The way she's acting is absolutely unacceptable from anybody, anywhere.

blatantrereg

I strongly agree with the suggestion that you have no contact at all. She sounds dangerous. Not someone you can reason with. Someone who is used to getting her way simply by escalating things well beyond what most people would consider. People like that are capable of very bad things.

She's just spoilt and nasty really.

Idle Passerby

You don't mention any redeeming features about this person whatsoever.

If she's in debt and spending money she doesnt have can we assume you are paying for the holidays? She's not worth paying for! She's not even worth being associated with judging by what you've said!

It doesn't sound like the type of person that you could point out her personality flaws to and expect to get away unscathed, never mind expecting her to mend her ways.

danslevent

OP I know this is going to be hard but i think you should break up with her. Like an above poster said, if she is like that with complete strangers when she is convinced she is in the right, how will she treat you when you guys argue? At the moment your relationship is fairly new but what about, as the saying goes, when the honeymoon is over? Can you really imagine having to deal with this unreasonable behaviour for the rest of your life?

Keep talking to your friends and family about this, it's godd you have taken that step in the first place.

jimmycrackcorm

As the old saying goes.... She's not the marrying kind.

jellygems

shes mental and the bad kind


id skip and jump away from her if i was u

Miss Fluff

Neyite wrote: »

I am a firm believer that the way someone treats delivery/waiting staff /service personnel is the biggest indication of their true personality.

This. I am in complete agreement with this statement, bad behaviour to people in the services sector is normally indicative of a really vile personality imo. I had to travel for a meeting with someone I really don't like recently and it came as no surprise whatsoever that she was rude and didn't even think to say thank you to waiters and security staff and receptionists we encountered along the way. It says an awful lot about a person.

I also think your GF's behaviour to those poor elderly people is DISGUSTING. It's also the behaviour of a lunatic or someone with a really cruel streak. If she is like this seven months in I shudder to think what she'll be like when she feels she doesn't have to make an effort

I get that you love her but I do think that her behaviour is representative of someone who fundamentally is not very nice at all so if you decide to stay with her then it's at your own peril tbh, she's a meanie.

howsyourtusk

OP, I really imagine you started writing that post thinking, "well maybe it's not that bad" and ended it thinking, "oh ****". End it, she sounds ghastly. I couldn't be with a person who spoke to another human being that way, why should you?

fatmammycat

One of the things that attracted/and attracts me to my partner is how kind and considerate he is of other people, he notices things, holds door open for folk, gets things down from top shelves in supermarkets and so on: in the situation with the seat, he would have ASKED that couple would they like to sit together.
To be perfectly honest OP, this lady your with sounds rude, obnoxious and frankly a little unstable. And that will get very wearing in a very short time. I'd cut my losses now.

Defiler Of The Coffin

The thought of a girlfriend of mine saying such things to my own grandmother makes me squirm.

You deserve far better than a partner who lacks even basic decency and respect for other human beings. You should leave her.

nowyouresix

OP: you have a get out card at the moment. Use it.
Good luck....she'll be a hard one to shake off.

LegacyUser

Hi OP,

I never normally reply to comments but when I read your post it was so shocking I just had to say something. Her behaviour sounds so awful it would be comical if it wasn't true.
I'm a female student in my twenties also and could never imagine treating someone the way you describe. My advice would be to get away from someone like this as quickly as possible. I believe that the way a person treats staff or elderly people says alot about their character When I'm dating a guy I always watch and see how they treat staff. If they are disrespectful this is a deal breaker for me. In my opinion it represents a complete lack of respect for other people. Someday you will be at the receiving end of her punishment.
If I met someone who was as rude as you described your girlfriend to be I would be absolutely horrified. I would be ashamed to be associated with them.
Life is so short and there are so many beautiful, interesting and kind people out there, PLEASE don't waste your life with someone like that.
I know it's much easier to give advice from the outside, than break up a long term relationship but in my opinion you will be 100% times better off. I think the fact that you posted this indicates that you realise that this is disgusting behaviour. Get out while you can.

Zen65

screeno wrote: »

Until she realizes that her behaviour was completely unacceptable, I don't think there can be a future.

Nothing in what you've posted about her suggests she is capable or willing to see any wrong in how she behaves. Her behaviour is likely to get worse rather then better with age.

Z

LegacyUser

Hi all,

OP here and just want to thank you all for your comments. Regarding the culture comment, I'm really sort if I offended anyone it was not intentional and looking back I think I was just looking for another reason to explain the behaviour and of course, rationally speaking it's not at all a cultural thing.

We met last night and I couldn't commit to us right then, there was too much in my way to say 100% I am sure about us, so it's over and I'm feeling gutted and I know she is hurting so bad right now, as am I.

To my relief last night, she said she was ashamed and embarrassed about what happened and wanted to take it back, she said the stress of the day had gotten to her and she knows it was unacceptable. She knows talking to the elderly lady was wrong and said it takes her time to realize when she has been in the wrong. She said she tries not to act like that and knows it's a problem.

I guess reading back I did paint quite a bad picture but I had been focussing purely on the negative aspects and in fairness that's all people could comment on. To me she is still a wonderful and caring person who I had a real connection with and that sort of behaviour is rare but unfortunate. Some of the comments about her being a vile nasty person etc are over the top. I know her more than all of you and would never see her as that, the behaviour was nasty but isolated, she is remorseful about it and it doesn't make her a bad person.

I got to empty my mind and tell her about the issues I have and it really felt like I was just listing her faults and I think it really upset her, it's not what I wanted but I needed to say what was on my mind. She still wanted us to be together and I said I couldn't say that right now for sure, I needed time to think more. She tried to suggest some different approaches like seeing each other less on weekdays so she can study, or dating other people, but they didn't help. She said she can't be strung along and so we couldn't come to an agreement. She made it clear I had hurt her and made some hurtful comments which I understand were said in the heat of the moment; when we were leaving, apparently I was smiling and enjoying this which is not true at all, it hurt me so bad. She said I have decided she's not worth the doubts, but I can't help my doubts and I will not pretend and ignore them so that's where it ended.

I'm at a loose end because everything reminds me of her and I can't stop thinking of how good we were, I want to think I did the right thing but I don't, did I throw this away.

LegacyUser

Pain and doubt in your decision are inevitable after a break up like this. You're going to miss her like hell and you cant just switch off your feelings. You really wont see things clearly for quite a while, maybe a matter of months.

Underneath the pain and loss though, what is your gut telling you? Can you see your future with this woman?

I'm sure she has redeeming characteristics although I did wonder what they might be...

Beruthiel

screeno wrote: »

To my relief last night, she said she was ashamed and embarrassed about what happened and wanted to take it back, she said the stress of the day had gotten to her and she knows it was unacceptable. She knows talking to the elderly lady was wrong and said it takes her time to realize when she has been in the wrong.

It shouldn't take time to know that her behaviour was unacceptable.
It should come naturally and automatically to behave with respect towards others.
She is making excuses now as she knows you don't approve.
You're trying to make excuses for her so she doesn't seem so bad.

I know from experience that even when you know it is the right thing to break up with someone, it's still going to hurt. For some time.
But, it doesn't mean you didn't make the right decision OP.

Might I also remind you, her behaviour worried you so much that you came on the internet to discuss it with strangers.
You know in your heart that you are right.

LegacyUser

OP, this person has some pretty serious emotional issues and you are much, much better off getting away from her and staying away from her. Hopefully she'll get the help she needs at some point and get to a more mature and stable level, but I really don't think you should be sacrificing yourself for the sake of that possibility. It's not easy, but you need to stay away.

hollypink

screeno wrote: »

Hi all,

I know her more than all of you and would never see her as that, the behaviour was nasty but isolated, she is remorseful about it and it doesn't make her a bad person.

OP I just wanted to point out that based on your own examples, this was not an isolated incident of nasty behaviour. You gave 3 separate examples, although the incident on the plane was undoubtedly the worst. Did "stress of the day" contribute to all three? Anyone can have a bad day, and act in a way they regret later (although hopefully for most people, it would never get as bad as to treat elderly people so nastily) but this sounds more like a pattern than a once-off. If she "knows its a problem" and "tries not to act like that", she really isn't trying hard enough. I would steer clear of someone like that, but I guess you need to decide if she is genuinely going to try from now on, and also if the money management and other issues (sleeping late, not cleaning) you have also mentioned are something you can live with. That seems like a lot of issues for a 7 month relationship IMHO.

screeno wrote: »

dominos wouldn't come up to her apartment to deliver pizza a few months ago, apparently it's their policy. She is having none of it, let's the guy leave with the food and rings the manager of the store and complains, says she will be boycotting them even though they told her it's their policy not to allow drivers into buildings. [snip]

More recently, on a flight back home from a European city we had an incident on the plane which really shocked me. [snip]

That wasn't the first encounter with an old person, she called an elderly lady an old c*** a few month ago when the lady made a rude comment about her dog and the dog living in the apartment complex.

squonk

Hi OP. You did the right thing in breaking up with her. From what I read from your original post, she really didn't come across very well. The plane was the worst part but the others weren't great either.

I would actually question whether she suffers from depression or a similar illness. Sleeping til 3 or 4 and not being bothered to clean would be clues, but the general nastiness and complete nuclear level of anger would be very telling to me. I've had some people close to me who did suffer from depression in the past. I've been on the receiving end of their tantrums and it can be very hurtful and quite extreme. What they are saying doesn't really have any truth, as it's a manifestation of their condition and once they receive help and medication, they generally return to being positive, happy and generally delightful to be with.

Then again, maybe she is genuinely nasty but I could hardly believe that somebody could be so cruel and angry of their own volition.

Beruthiel

squonk wrote: »

I would actually question whether she suffers from depression or a similar illness. Sleeping til 3 or 4 and not being bothered to clean would be clues, but the general nastiness and complete nuclear level of anger would be very telling to me.

squonk,
Please read this forums Charter.
Do not give medical advice on this forum.

squonk

Beruthiel wrote: »

squonk,
Please read this forums Charter.
Do not give medical advice on this forum.

Sorry beruthiel. I probably worded my response poorly. I wasn't meaning that she should be diagnosed, I posed the thought as a counterpoint to others that were raised.

LegacyUser

Hi all, OP here again

I'd like to genuinely thank you all for your responses it has really been helpful to get other peoples perspective on this, it is much appreciated. I'm feeling quite numb right now and just can't get her out of my mind, I miss her so much but I do know I did the right thing at the time. I know this is all common after a breakup, I want to contact her but I shouldn't. I can't mess around with both our futures and as long as there is that doubt in my mind, I can't be with her.

This might be controversial but In the back of my mind, I'm hoping it's not the end, it's just lingering there and some of you might be thinking HOW! - but I can't help the feelings I have for this girl, and I feel I want to give her a chance. Regardless of her behaviour, she's really not a bad person, she needs some help and guidance. She's in a country on her own, far from her (quite dysfunctional) family with low self esteem and doesn't have many friends here, her ott behaviour is a facade of all this. I've been a constant witness to the good side of her, how she unselfishly thinks of other people, doing favours she wasn't asked to do, she loves giving presents and never expects anything back. She is intelligent and funny and a pleasure to be around most of the time. However, she does needs to grow up very quickly and learn to treat people better, to manage the anger and to simply talk about it. I'm no fool, I know that sort of thing doesn't happen overnight.

It did cross my mind about the depression issue, the sleeping in, the unwillingness to clean or cook, the anger. I'd like to have her talk to somebody but it's not a good idea to say it right now, I need to give us time and perhaps in the future we can speak again. In the meantime I'm trying to do as much as I can to avoid sitting still and thinking, I'm going home at the weekend to my parents, filling my evenings as much I can and most importantly talking about it with friends and family, not to mention discussing it on the internet with strangers

Thanks again all.

daisybelle2008

It is funny that you justify her behaviour because she 'comes from a dysfunctional family' etc.…I think you will find she is a dysfunctional member of a dysfunctional family.

Sure her anger, lack of social interaction & lack of friends and low self esteem are all 'understandable', but they are big red flags that she is a very unpredictable individual carrying a lot of baggage and that she is not a centered, grounded mature person to be in a relationship with. That hostility towards other people is a lot of unresolved internal anger. When she turns it on you it won't be pretty.

Being in a relationship with someone like that is going to drag you down and trying to fix or help her is not your job. Ideally she should sort herself out while she is single before she is ready to have a relationship.. who knows down the road she may be in a better position. She has way too many issues to be in a healthy relationship at the moment.

LegacyUser

I will be honest with you OP, I grew up in a very dysfunctional and abusive family. I have "baggage" and "skeletons in the closet" but never once in my entire life I would treat anyone with such disdain, especially to the very vulnerable and weak (children, elderly). So that dysfunctional family excuse is BS. She is a 29 year old adult woman not a little 9 year old child learning to express oneself.

She is at an age where you would expect her to be mature and her issues to be sorted out but unfortunately not. From what I have read, I feel disgusted by her behaviour and if it is true that she comes from a dysfunctional background I hope she gets the counselling she really needs. If not, she is at risk of getting a heart attack or stroke in the future because it really is not very healthy to have all that unresolved anger festered inside for that long. Furthermore, she is putting herself in a situation where she will have no friends or OH because people can only tolerate so much of that behaviour. No one wants to stick around with somebody who IS miserable and mean especially when they have “one of those days.” Regardless of whatever nice qualities one possesses, who wants to be around a ticking time bomb like that?

I agree with the comments about how people treat service people. I once thought I was dating a gentleman. He took me out to dinner one night and the way he treated the wait staff was absolutely deplorable. Needless to say that was the last time I ever saw him. I was completely turned off, embarassed and in shock. There was nothing he could say or do to change my mind after that episode. Even if he was having a “bad day” as he so claimed how does that make his ott atrocious behaviour justifiable? It would have been more acceptable if he was quiet and reserved but he was downright nasty and mean. It is really how people act and conduct themselves when they are having a bad day that speaks volumes. It is far more honourable and respectful to just bite your tongue than have a conniption fit or temper tantrum.