Why don't they care?

LegacyUser

Hi,

I just wanted to possibly get the perspective of outsiders and possibly other parents here.

I'm 18 and grew up with one parent all my life. I saw the other on weekends, etc. but we never really got on, and I never felt they were very interested in me. They have other young kids now, but I was an only child until 13 or so.

This parent lives about 10 minutes away from me and I rarely see them. For example, I saw them at Christmas, then didn't really hear from them until this weekend.

I feel really intensely angry and upset whenever I think of them, and cry about it a lot. They seem to have a total lack of interest in me, but they love their other kids. Whenever I talk about it with other family members, friends, etc. they say that's not true, but surely any parent who really loves their child would at least send a text asking how they are more than once every 3 months. If it makes any difference, I've always been a pretty good kid who never caused trouble and always did well in school, etc.

I cling to the hope that it is not as straightforward as them just hating me, but I can't seem to understand what is going on inside their head, and how to approach things. Whenever they do speak to me I am sort of cold and short with them because it infuriates me how they stroll in and out of my life without explanation, and just expect me to be nice and respect them. I suppose it is a bit of a vicious circle. I just don't understand why they don't seem to care.

NicoleL88

Hi

First off, I'm sorry about your situation, it must be very difficult to deal with.

I'm not a parent or anything, but the one thing I can suggest is maybe talking to this parent?

It will be difficult of course, but if they knew how you were really feeling behind the coldness and such which you mentioned, they might realize how much their lack of presence has affected you.

R.D. aka MR.D

You're an adult now and will have to approach the situation from an adult-parent relationship.

i would suggest getting some counselling to help you explore the issues.

I have been through something like this and it used to eat me up inside thinking why does everyone elses parents love them and mine don't care about me etc. I then realised that I have to be the one to love myself and not expect it from them if they aren't able to give it. Basically you need to work on your own expectations etc.

Best of luck
x

ihsb

OP. This is sh!t and I am sorry.

I two was a first born. My Dad then went on to have more kids after me. But always treated them better. He wasn't strong enough to stand up to the mother of his other two children. Until it meant that I knew he didn't respect me anymore and I cut contact at 13.

I know it is a different situation. But maybe the family member thinks you don't need the support, maybe they sees you as being stronger and more independent? To the point where they don't feel like they need to check on you.

Also, it is no excuse, but there might be more going on in their household that you are not aware of.

I agree with the previous posters. Get counselling. This will help you realise that it is nothing that you have done. Also talk to the person. They simply might not have realised they are being a bad parent. There isn't a handbook I guess.

Anyway I really wish you all the luck in the world OP.

LegacyUser

OP here.

Thanks for the replies.

I have never calmly spoken to them about it as such, but I have had arguments about it with them before and occasionally they seemed to realise they didn't make the effort they should have, and made some excuses even, etc. But nothing ever changed. I feel like they must be AWARE of how I feel to some extent but, for whatever reason, don't seem to be doing anything about it.

I suppose I don't make a lot of effort with them. Sometimes I do to see my siblings, but not with them themselves. I want them to see me because they want to and not just because I have asked them and they then feel obligated to. Maybe it should be a shared responsibility but I feel that since the problem started with them they just at least try their best to fix it first.

Thanks for the advice. I will look into counselling.

ash23

OP my daughters father is not in her life. He probably has other kids who he loves. When she asks me why he isn't around, if it's her fault etc.....I tell her what I am about to tell you.
It has nothing to do with you and who you are. It has everything to do with the absent parent and who they are.

There are a billion reasons that someone would have no interest in their child. From the obvious like selfishness, laziness etc to the complex issues of mental health or their relationship with the other parent.

It's not like this person was always there for you and suddenly stopped. They were never there. Ever. So how could it be your fault? You were a baby (if even) when this person chose the path of not being a parent. It may be because of their own circumstances at the time or it may be because of what they felt or didn't feel for your other parent.

Beruthiel

dontunderstand wrote: »

I feel really intensely angry and upset whenever I think of them, and cry about it a lot. They seem to have a total lack of interest in me

Hi OP. I'm a parent who made an effort with my daughter.
However, if you look around you, you will notice that not all people who have children make an effort.

When an adult has a child, they do not automatically become fantastic parents.
There is no magic potion for parenthood.
Some will disappear never to be seen again.
Some will be lazy and couldn't be arsed making any kind of effort.
Some will be dreadful and abusive and some will be great.

This has nothing to do with you and everything to do with your parent being a flawed human.
There is no point shedding tears over that fact.
Accept that they are the way they are and there's nothing you can do about that.

If your other parent has shown you love and cared for you throughout your life, don't be afraid to show them your appreciation for that.
Having one great parent still puts you waaaay ahead of many people on this planet and it is something to be grateful for.

Xterminator

hi OP

as mentioned earlier there is no handbook for parents, and the ability to bring a child into the world does not mean they are going to do even a reasonable job as a parent.

but it is not just as simple as loving you, or not loving you. As mentioned, by others there could be a number of factors in play here, none of which are your fault.

Your father will rationally know he has not been a good father, and my harbour feelings of guilt that surface when your about. Perhaps its hard for him to see you? Perhaps he is unclear as to what you desire from him in terms of a relationship and unsure as to how he should be acting?

In addition they may be family tensions from his wife and/or other children, who may resent attentions given to you, and time spent with you over his 'live in' children.

Also there may be unknown demands on the man that may cause him to neglect personal thinks, like work or financial pressures.

(i dont want to make excuse for him, simply to point out that there may be reasons other than his feelings for you that are in play in what is a complex relationship)

what can you do? i would recommend a good quite chat with just your father and you present, on neutral ground, e.g. outside of the family home. Explain how you feel - and see what he has to say for himself.

If that doesnt produce the desired results, you probably need to ask is this a benifical relationship for you? if you are getting nothing from it, but heartache, perhaps you need to cut your father out of your life or accept the relationship as it stands?

solovely

Everyone is assuming the OP is talking about his/ her Dad....but he/ she constantly refers to "them" so it could be the mother....which I acknowledge is opening a whole other can of worms, which rightly or wrongly makes it a bigger issue.

But assuming it is your Dad...
as most people have pointed out, parents don't received a guidebook, and not all people are born to be natural parents. My own parents have always been together, and love each other, but I could never say my Dad was "present" or "there for me". I'd say you could count on one hand the number of actual conversations we've ever had. That said, because he's always at home, I've never had reason to have an issue with it. I see my cousins who's Dad (my Dad's brother) is very similar to my Dad, but probably not as bad, who have major issues with his "rejection" of them, as once their parents split up, their Dad never made a big effort. I tried to explain that it's about Irish men and their generation and lack of ability to communicate, rather than something personal, but I think because he wasn't "present" they felt the rejection as something personal.

If your Dad communicates better with his other kids, it's probably because a) he's more experienced now, b) he's there with them all the time and c) he's being forced/ encouraged to do so by his wife. It's no reflection on you personally.

Another thing, you're 18, so you've probably just come through the akward teenage years. Most Irish Dads, difficult enough as they find it to communicate with their kids at the best of times, find it next to impossible to have any common ground during these years. So now that you're an adult, things may improve, but you will have to try to build an adult relationship rather than make up for a childhood one.

Some people have suggested sitting down and having a word to him. I know you are saying you want this to come from him himself, and it shouldn't have to be forced. It should be because he wants to. In theory, yeah of course, but you know yourself in reality, this probably won't happen, not cos he doesn't care, but cos he doesn't know how or doesn't know that you care. It doesn't have to be a big US drama type sitdown, you can just have a chat and say now that you're 18 and an adult, you'd like to hang out and see a bit more of each other in a grown up capacity. Suggest going for a pint, to a game, babysitting, whatever....

Good luck, and I hope you get the relationship you are looking for. But if not, remember this has absolutely nothing to do with you, it's purely down to your parent and their inability to show they care.

LegacyUser

Thanks to all who have replied, again.

solovely: it is my mother, not my father. I didn't mention it because I thought it might inadvertently skew people's perspective of the situation. She has also never been married, and is not strictly Irish. My parents have been amicable for as long as I can remember too.

Thanks for the great advice everyone.

I can understand why they weren't great when I was growing up. I know they had their own problems to contend with and I have a lot of sympathy for them over it. What bothers me is that now they make such an effort with their other kids, but still treat me the same.

So now that you're an adult, things may improve, but you will have to try to build an adult relationship rather than make up for a childhood one.

That's true. Thanks.

There are a billion reasons that someone would have no interest in their child. From the obvious like selfishness, laziness etc to the complex issues of mental health or their relationship with the other parent.

It's not like this person was always there for you and suddenly stopped. They were never there. Ever. So how could it be your fault? You were a baby (if even) when this person chose the path of not being a parent. It may be because of their own circumstances at the time or it may be because of what they felt or didn't feel for your other parent.

Thanks. I find it hard not to take it personally, because they have such a good relationship with the other kids.

This has nothing to do with you and everything to do with your parent being a flawed human.
There is no point shedding tears over that fact.
Accept that they are the way they are and there's nothing you can do about that.

You're right. Thanks.

kjl

dontunderstand wrote: »

Hi,

I just wanted to possibly get the perspective of outsiders and possibly other parents here.

I'm 18 and grew up with one parent all my life. I saw the other on weekends, etc. but we never really got on, and I never felt they were very interested in me. They have other young kids now, but I was an only child until 13 or so.

This parent lives about 10 minutes away from me and I rarely see them. For example, I saw them at Christmas, then didn't really hear from them until this weekend.

I feel really intensely angry and upset whenever I think of them, and cry about it a lot. They seem to have a total lack of interest in me, but they love their other kids. Whenever I talk about it with other family members, friends, etc. they say that's not true, but surely any parent who really loves their child would at least send a text asking how they are more than once every 3 months. If it makes any difference, I've always been a pretty good kid who never caused trouble and always did well in school, etc.

I cling to the hope that it is not as straightforward as them just hating me, but I can't seem to understand what is going on inside their head, and how to approach things. Whenever they do speak to me I am sort of cold and short with them because it infuriates me how they stroll in and out of my life without explanation, and just expect me to be nice and respect them. I suppose it is a bit of a vicious circle. I just don't understand why they don't seem to care.

I think this could be your issue. You are hurt that they have moved on, but I could bet my life saving that they still love you. In order for any kind of relationship to work both parties need to be more open and honest with each other about how they feel.

This person left your other parent, so it's very possible that there is some sort of rift between your two parents which could be the root cause of why there is such little contact.

As another poster said, you need to confront this parent and tell them how you feel. if it wont do anything else it will help give you closure on the situation.