Advice Please

LegacyUser

I've been going out with my boyfriend for just over three years. We live a couple of hour apart but within Ireland, and we see each other for about two days a week, which is good. I used to travel to see him, but now he usually comes to me due to work and family commitments.

Two months ago, we had a big falling-out. I was frustrated about various things and I took it out on him to an extent. We had a fight and didn't speak for about ten days. After the ten days, I saw comments from him on a girl's photo. The girl had dressed up for a night out. Normally she has long, dark hair but on this occasion she was wearing a short, blonde wig. He remarked that he liked it because it was 'you, but different' and that 'the eyes made it'. There was a bit more of an exchange between them and he told her he was going to a party the following night, adding 'so let me know what you're at'.

When I saw that I also saw red (!) and sent him a text to the effect that I was setting him free so he could meet up and do what he wanted to do with her without having to do the dirt on me. We texted back and forth a bit and he honestly couldn't remember commenting on the photo (this I believe completely). He was hammered to the extent that he blacked out when he commented (NOT something he's in the hait of doing) because he was so upset about our fight, lack of contact etc. He said he must have done it to try to get a reaction from me. We talked on the phone and he said I was breaking his heart and that he was still dreaming of settling down and having a family with me (this is something he's told me this many times).

We met several times and patched things up after that and he deleted the girl from his Facebook. (God I do hate that site sometimes!) We've talked about it and it still niggles at me sometimes, but I can't bring it up anymore as it seems like I'm harping on and he seems to think he's done enough for us to move on.

This is a guy who my friends have said is a keeper as he otherwise gives the impression he is totally committed to me. He said he was unbelievably angry at me at the time (and justifiably so) but I can't decide whether I can get past this or not. He might fancy her, he says, but he fancies a lot of people and there's a big difference between that and loving somebody the way he loves me. He says there's no way anything like that would have happened if he'd been sober. Add to that the fact that she's his friend's ex-girlfriend, and he says he'd never ask out a friend's ex. (That, to me, is definitely beside the point.)

So Boardsies, what advice can you give me? Is this a blip on the radar - or a dealbreaker?

P. Breathnach

Everybody does the occasional stupid thing, and it is usually best to forgive and forget peccadilloes like the one you describe - it really does not look to me like anything much. And fair's fair: you take the blame for the falling-out, and you seem to have been forgiven for that.

You seem to be asking if you are making a mountain out of a molehill. I'd say the answer is yes.

Idle Passerby

I think you are overreacting OP. The two of you had a fight and he made a flirty comment to a girl while drunk. Thats completely normal and in fairness, the fact that it was on facebook means he was not chatting her up in a bar where he could have done more than just comment. I think he was upset over the fight and the fact that he hadn't heard from you in a while, saw a picture of a pretty girl and complimented her.

He has deleted her from his facebook presumably to show you that she's not important to him. From what you've said he sounds genuine and it doesn't sound like he cheated.

dellas1979

I think you are really making a big deal out of this-but its stemming from some insecurity or control thing somewhere.

You are seriously giving this guy a very very hard time. All he did was comment on someones photos. Why wouldnt he? Were ye not broken up or very borderline at the time? And yes, you can read from the menu, but you cant order. He is human, you are human, and if you say you've never found another guy attractive while going out with him, then you are lying.

Honest, will you sort yourself out, because if you keep going like this, you are actually going to drive him away and fulfill this "prophesy" thats in your head.

Zen65

dellas1979 wrote: »

Honest, will you sort yourself out, because if you keep going like this, you are actually going to drive him away and fulfill this "prophesy" thats in your head.

Dellas1979 is being a little harsh with this quote...... but s/he is correct.

A man who compliments a woman on her appearance is not cheating on anyone, even if he's married. Neither is he cheating if he simply arranges to meet with another woman he already knows in a platonic way. If he were to arrange such a meeting with the intent of engaging in an illicit affair then that's a different thing altogether and certainly would count as a cheating action .... even if he never actually meets up with her.

The point is that you don't know that he was trying anything on, do you? If you can't accept his word that he was not intending to cheat then your relationship is on rocky ground. There will be many times in your relationship when you have to take your partner's word for how he feels, and without evidence to the contrary it is damaging to the relationship to go around believing the worst at all times.

However, if it is your habit to get into arguments with your boyfriend / partner / husband simply because you are "frustrated about various things" and take it out on him to an extent then your behaviour is very similar to a cheat who plans an illicit liaison with somebody else; you are taking him for granted and using him physically for the purpose of a one-way gratification of your emotional state. That's not caring & sharing - it is abusing.

Yes, I'm being slightly over-dramatic in this analogy, but for the receiver of this sort of abuse the analogy feels correct. His person is being subjected to a behaviour not appropriate as an expression of love between two people.

So, as Dellas1979 says - you need to sort yourself out if you want this (or any other) relationship to succeed. Become aware of those occasions when you are not treating him with the respect and understanding that a partner deserves, and stop yourself from acting out in a way that drives him away. Not only will such behaviour drive him away, but it will drive subsequent partners away also.

Facebook is not a terrible website (though I am not a fan). What is terrible is the way people use & abuse it, and the unwarranted inferences that people draw from comments posted on it. The typed word is so easily misunderstood as it lacks tone and (often) context. Learn about your partner's state of mind from his words and deeds in person, and don't be trying to diagnose his clumsy internet postings.

BTW - if your relationship is going to go anywhere you need to be seeing each other more than twice a week..... you don't know a person well until you spend more time with them.

Be at peace,

Z

P. Breathnach

Zen65 wrote: »

...
BTW - if your relationship is going to go anywhere you need to be seeing each other more than twice a week..... you don't know a person well until you spend more time with them.

Ideally, yes. But people have to cope with their own circumstances in the best way that they can manage.

Neyite

unregistered wrote: »

We met several times and patched things up after that and he deleted the girl from his Facebook. (God I do hate that site sometimes!) We've talked about it and it still niggles at me sometimes, but I can't bring it up anymore as it seems like I'm harping on and he seems to think he's done enough for us to move on.

You have talked about it, and patched things up. He has deleted this girl so it seems that he has taken on board your feelings about the issue.

So, no, you cant bring it up again. You are either happy with his explanation and his subsequent actions of deleting the girl and you are past it, or you are not. If you are not, then accept you cant trust him and then call it a day with him and break up.

LegacyUser

Thank you all for the advice. I think I should add to what I've said so far. I am not pathologically insecure and I want to trust my boyfriend like I used to, but for some reason (and though I'm working through this without talking about it to him) my gut won't let this go. I'd welcome opinions on the following...

Idle Passerby wrote: »

the fact that it was on facebook means he was not chatting her up in a bar where he could have done more than just comment.

The thing is though, he had been talking to her on private chat intermittently over the weeks/months before we fell out and there were always mentions of meeting up for a drink. He met this girl through his friend (her ex) and I can't understand why he would want to stay friends with her rather than him following the break-up. I'm fine with him having female friends. I get on great with one of his oldest friends who he used to go out with. My issue, and I have told him this before, is that I'm uncomfortable with him having private facebook conversations with girls he has recently become friendly with, who I haven't met, especially when they are making plans to meet up, and when distance is against us. The comments he made on the photo remind me of the way he speaks to me (same phrases/lines - there are other things he said that I haven't quoted in the OP as I don't want to give too much away) and that makes me feel uneasy. I'm still trying to weigh it all up in my head now as I have spoken to him about it and don't want to do so again. I'm not suspicious that he cheated (I'm sure he didn't). I just worry that if he cared enough about our relationship he wouldn't attract temptation by seeking out the company of people he admits to fancying. I know he has deleted her etc., but it's the second time he has made a new friend who raised a red flag for me, and I wish I could be sure that the same kind of thing won't happen again.

Zen, you're right, we need to spend more time together. We've known each other for a decade, we used to live in the same town and we have lived together for a few months in the past so we know each other fairly well - but obviously there is a shortfall as I don't understand what was going on on this occasion. (He also can't explain it properly as he doesn't remember...) The plan is for me to move to where he lives in the summer but I want be fairly sure I'm doing the right thing before packing up.

Another point - yes, I took the blame for the fight, but the things I was frustrated with were his habits and how they impacted on me when he was staying with me - like my being late for work several times because he couldn't get out of the house on time when I was giving him lifts to town on my way there. (Maybe I should have just left him money for a taxi...)

Again, I'm really not an insecure nut, just a usually stable person in a usually stable relationship who has been thrown by an unexpected event.

I'm not going to just accept that I can't trust him and call it a day. Not yet, anyway. After three (mostly very happy) years I think I should mull it over a bit more before taking action. Sorry for the extended detail but I would very much appreciate some more advice.

I am a friend

OP again wrote: »

I think I should add to what I've said so far.


The thing is though, he had been talking to her on private chat intermittently over the weeks/months before we fell out and there were always mentions of meeting up for a drink.

You should have mentioned this in the first post as its vital to the issue... IMHO, he is actively aiming to meet other girls while you are not round. Serious red flag.

So you blanked him for ten days because you were frustrated. huge over-reaction there and TBH neither of ye sound like ye are in the righ head space for a grown up relationship.

Why were you reading his personal messages?

LegacyUser

I wasn't reading his personal messages, I asked him if he had ever pre-arranged to meet up with her and he said he had a few times but it wasn't alone, it was in a group of people. I know the only way he would have made arrangements was on private chat as I saw her popping up on it before and he told me he doesn't have a phone number or any other contact details for her, which I believe.

I am a friend

WEll if you truly believe whats the problem?

ElleEm

OP again wrote: »

I just worry that if he cared enough about our relationship he wouldn't attract temptation by seeking out the company of people he admits to fancying.

Did he admit to you that he fancied her or are you assuming this?

OP again wrote: »

I know he has deleted her etc., but it's the second time he has made a new friend who raised a red flag for me, and I wish I could be sure that the same kind of thing won't happen again.

What happened with the other friend that he made that raised a "red flag" to you?

To be honest, OP, it seems like you're getting riled up over nothing.
Do you not believe that girls and guys can just be friends?

LegacyUser

ElleEm wrote: »

Did he admit to you that he fancied her or are you assuming this?



What happened with the other friend that he made that raised a "red flag" to you?

To be honest, OP, it seems like you're getting riled up over nothing.
Do you not believe that girls and guys can just be friends?

No, I'm not assuming. He admitted to me that he fancied her and if he had to ask somebody other than me out it would be her. Later, he said he didn't feel anything for her.

I absolutely believe that girls and guys can just be friends (I have made several lovely female friends through him, and vice versa), but only if there is no sexual chemistry or if that has been dealt with before becoming friends (we are both friendly with our exes - no problem there). I have always thought that if you're serious about your relationship it's important to keep things out in the open instead of befriending a person you find very attractive, who your OH has not met, arranging to see them when your OH is not around and telling them how great you think they are. Although he didn't cheat physically I'm confused and disappointed by it all.

Maybe we're just not cut out for the time apart and the extra doubts that a medium/long-distance relationship brings with it.

Idle Passerby

I still don't think there is anything to be concerned about based on what you've written. Are you sure there isnt some other reason your trust in him is failing? Are you maybe having doubts about wanting to continue the relationship and rather than admit that to yourself your looking for excuses to leave him?

If it wasnt for facebook you'd never know anything about this girl who to be honest sounds like a casual platonic acquaintance. You cant really think that your boyfriend never speaks to women or befriends them? It doesn't sound like anything incriminating or suspicious was said between them. You say they both mentioned a few times that they should meet up for a drink. Im guessing they didnt actually ever do that since the repeated suggestion was presumably forgotten a few times, and if they did meet up for a drink, so what? It sounds like he wants to be with you and it doesn't sound like anything happened anyway.

You cant waste your time and energy fixating on a few benign facebook comments.

dellas1979

Well ok, what you wrote this evening changes things a little bit from what I originally posted anyways.
You should try reread your posts again objectively-take a step back. I understand now why you are insecure. He is making you insecure. Your original post pointed that you were making yourself insecure.

LegacyUser

What I'm still thinking is that it didn't take him long to try to replace me. At the minute, he is still talking the talk and walking the walk. I suppose a bit more time will tell.