Is this just part of a relationship?

LegacyUser

I'm trying to work out whether the things that have happened in my relationship are pretty much just things that happen and have to be gotten over - I suppose what I mean is are these things that happen in all relationships?

The reason I ask is because all of them have or are happening in my relationship and I feel somewhat lost as to whether they are pretty much run of the mill things that happen and that if I end my current relationship these things will just happen in another one. I'm 31 and she's 29 by the way and been dating for a little over 5 years.

These are things she has done (I don't like even saying "done" as I think it gives the impression they are "wrong" but I can't think of another word) but they are things I have clearly expressed being unhappy with.

- Flirting with opposite sex (though this has cut down a lot)
- Getting crushes on a lot of other guys, often not admitting them even though they are obvious to me and eventually admitting to them when I push it.
- Asked me not to come out for a certain night because she wanted to spend it with work mates and if I was there would feel like she had to look after me, only for me later to find out while she was with work mates she spent a good part of the night with a male colleague she then admitted she had a big crush on.
- Making deliberate efforts to find reasons to contact a few of these crushes and/or be in places they would be
- Potentially cheated on me once (kissed) but cannot remember due to alcohol
- Is quite jealous herself and gets upidy over contact I have with opposite sex but is quite happy for herself to have plenty of contact with opposite sex.
- Has spent time online finding some of these crushes.
- Signed up to a specific social media thing because one of these crushes was on it.
- Told me she thinks about some crushes while mastrubating and once or twice while we were having sex

After a "talk" last week about some of this stuff she told she has cheated on a boyfriend in the past (kissed) and was, what she felt, was emotionally cheating on another boyfriend chatting to some guy online for a while - so part of me feels a little like this is who she is and that as it's not something I want in my life, that I should end things.

The Lovely Muffin

I would run miles from someone like this.

• Flirting with opposite sex (though this has cut down a lot)
• - Getting crushes on a lot of other guys, often not admitting them even though they are obvious to me and eventually admitting to them when I push it.
• - Asked me not to come out for a certain night because she wanted to spend it with work mates and if I was there would feel like she had to look after me, only for me later to find out while she was with work mates she spent a good part of the night with a male colleague she then admitted she had a big crush on.
• - Making deliberate efforts to find reasons to contact a few of these crushes and/or be in places they would be
• - Potentially cheated on me once (kissed) but cannot remember due to alcohol
• - Is quite jealous herself and gets upidy over contact I have with opposite sex but is quite happy for herself to have plenty of contact with opposite sex.
• - Has spent time online finding some of these crushes.
• - Signed up to a specific social media thing because one of these crushes was on it.
• - Told me she thinks about some crushes while mastrubating and once or twice while we were having sex

She has/gets crushes on other guys, thinks about them when having sex with you, she asks you not to come out on certain nights because one of these crushes is there etc.

They are absolutely NOT NORMAL in ANY relationship.

The fact she kissed a guy once, would have been reason enough to dump her.

Were you there when she kissed this guy?

She sounds like a headwreck OP, get out now before she messes with you even more.

You deserve better than her.

bouncebouncey

I mean this in the nicest way OP. Get a grip!!!!! Come on, you know better than to be asking is this normal.

Come on now. You're 31 years old. You know this isn't on. There isn't anything that is 'standard practice' in a relationship. There are some things that tend to crop up regularly and a lot of people can relate to. The stuff you're talking about is beyond the pale though.

She's spent the last 5 years fancying other lads, telling you she masturbates to them, thinks about them during sex, follows them around to places they go, makes up reasons to contact them. That's mental. Honestly it is.

It sounds to me like she's spent the last 5 years looking to try and better deal you. By that I mean that she'd sounds like she'd trade you in for an upgraded model if she could land one. This continual crushing on, and chasing after, other men suggests that to me.

It's not on. You're old enough to know better. And you certainly deserve better. She sounds like a total head melter. I'm sure you have serious feelings for her after 5 years but I think you're probably just used to being in the relationship now.

It sounds horrific to be honest. It's not in the slightest bit healthy

Princess Peach

Every relationship is different and has different standards and ideas as to what is "normal" regarding how people interact with the opposite sex. So nobody can say if it is normal or not based on their values.

It should be based on your values. Firstly I would ask if this is new behavior or has it been happening for 5 years? If its new enough, maybe she is just feeling overwhelmed in a long relationship and it might just be a rough patch.

Not everyone is cut out for 100% monogamy, as in not having any crushes. Just because she cheated before doesn't mean she will again for sure.

But obviously you are having issues with how she acts and some trust problems. Not sure what was really said in this talk you had last week. She was definitely honest with you. If you want to be with her you need to tell her how you feel about the things she does, focusing on your reactions to it rather than attacking her for doing them in the first place. Ask her why she seeks them out, does she still want to be in this monogamous relationship. Then ye can work on ways to make you feel more comfortable and secure. You may need to ask her to stop some things, like the contact she has with these crushes.

Thinking " if I end my current relationship these things will just happen in another one," doesn't help. Every relationship is different so don't base your next one on what happened in this one. If you can't work things out your next relationship will probably be totally different, hopefully for the better in how you feel, but I really don't think that's anything to think about, whether this will happen again I mean.

BarackPyjama

You're in an abusive relationship. Get out. Now.

Missy Moo Moo

Nothing wrong with having harmless crushes in a relationship- you're not blind to others. The difference is acting on them as your girlfriend appears to be by chasing them in various ways and rubbing it in your face by telling you about it.

I think she's waiting for a seamless transition- i.e she's waiting to meet someone so she can just seamlessly move from one relationship to the next. As cruel as it sounds, she's probably not willing to dump you before she's met someone in case it doesn't work out for her.

As much as it hurts OP, I think you know the answer to this one. Tell her she's free to pursue her crushes and best of luck with everything. Then run and don't look back.

LegacyUser

OP Here.

Thanks for taking the time to respond everyone – instead of replying to each specific response I’ll try to give one that covers all the advice given.

Some of what has gone on was happening during two rough patches we went through, one particularly rough with me on the other side of the country for about 5 months at the time due to work (seeing each other 2 days a week – but evenings and maybe only 1 full day).

I suppose I should quantify “a lot of other guys” as this could be taken as 100 or more - so the numbers is 12 – is that big? Small? Insignificant? Apologies for leaving out some detail – I had gone to write up a post about this on a number of occasions (only to chicken out) and it felt like a huge post when I included details.

Things that happened within the first year of us dating when we were going great (at least I thought so and she has said as much also) include her potentially kissing a guy, spending time on a night out with a male colleague, searching online for one crush and about 2 other crushes (sexual thoughts etc.).

This stuff pushed me away from her somewhat and then as a result this has led to some spiralling issues where I am not as close with her, she says this makes her feel rejected and that I’m not as intimate with her so she finds herself looking for it elsewhere. Then she comes out with some of the stuff she’s been up to under me questioning due to suspicion on signs I’ve seen from our past, which pushes me away again…and so on…round and round. So I at least have to make an effort and acknowledge I have played some part in this – I find it hard to gain the trust I had in her back and am unsure if it would ever come back to the same extent.

While the stuff that happened when we were in bad spots I can half understand, the stuff that’s happened while we were in great form, plus her cheating on an ex in the past both kissing and emotional that is worrying me. In our talk last week she has admitted she has self-esteem issues and only feels “worth something” when she gets acknowledged or noticed by guys.

While I feel sorry for her for this lack of self-esteem, I also feel like I’m not being fair on myself and while I think people can change – and I will admit she has changed a lot from our beginnings – I am concerned that for the sake of some distance between us due to work (I’ll be moving again for a little over 3 months soon), the cracks will appear and our relationship will go downhill again.

I’m feeling extremely conflicted about whether to make one last effort and give it all I have – giving her one more chance to show me she can commit in the way I have told her I want and I feel is needed for a healthy relationship – or just to call a spade a spade and move on with my life.

Thanks again for reading - writing out these thoughts is surprisingly therapeutic.

Idle Passerby

Your first post made it sound like your girlfriend is keeping an eye out for a replacement. The second makes it sound like your keeping very close tabs on her every move. You know the exact number of men shes flirted with, that seems a bit pedantic.

Why does she tell you if she fancies someone else? Everyone occasionally finds other people attractive, theres no need to rub it in your partners face.

I can understand that if she's been unfaithful in her previous relationships it would make you uncomfortable but I think you need to leave that in the past. She may or may not have kissed another man, how long ago was that? Did you work through it at the time? The fact that you stayed with her suggests its something you can live with, If so you need to let that go.

I think her using the low self esteem card is a cop out. Low self esteem is a state of mind, not a condition. Are you sure the two of you are entirely happy having this distance relationship? You mention "making one last effort and giving it your all" I think in order to give it your all you'd need to be living in the same place as it sounds like she does not like the distance and is probably playing up as a way of getting that across to you, or else she is bored and hoping you will end it so she doesn't have to.

ElleEm

Flirting and talking to other men is completely normal.

I can understand how her telling you about her "crushes" can lead you to being jealous and concerned that she would be unfaithful.

It is normal in a relationship to find other people attractive, and although for some people fantasising about others is normal too, I really don't think she should have told you of this. Did she telling you about looking them up on the Social Networking site too? I wonder is she trying to get a reaction out of you...

I suppose the main thing is, from the behaviour you describe, do you trust her? Cos if you are going to continue in a relationship with her you cannot go on, worrying about what she's up to.

If I thought my boyfriend was thinking about another woman during sex, I don't think I could continue to have sex with him.

I think you need to find the strength to BELIEVE that you deserve to be in a relationship where the girl respects you enough to not taunt you with the idea that she is into other men.

LegacyUser

Sorry if I put across info wrong there - I have no idea of how many guys she has flirted (and never asked) with but the number 12 is the people she has had crushes on and I know this from her telling me.

In terms of keeping tabs on her she has said herself that she doesn't feel I'm tracking her every move or anything remotely like that, and she feels like I don't hold her back about things – but will admit that when she has gotten a text from someone I knew she’d a crush on I have asked if there’s anything going on there but I’ve never told her she “can’t do this” or “don’t do this” etc.

Yeah I can accept she has cheated in the past and understand the reasons she gave me for why - I don't hold any bad blood to her about it (and I don't think I have any right to either - it has nothing to do with me – her past is her past and it’s none of my business). I think it's more that there's a bit of a pattern I see in her sometimes getting really attached to other guys and she doesn't seem to see how obvious it is. She has had friends ask her why she's talking about some other guy so much when she's in a relationship with me.

The kissing another guy was during our first year dating...but she only told me very recently so it feels a bit raw.

She told me herself about the social media stuff – I’ve had one or two opportunities to do the whole “check on her facebook and email” thing but never have, I’ve always immediately logged out if she’s ever left it open.

I should probably clarify that she doesn’t taunt me with this information. Everything I know has come from her telling me during a couple of conversations we’ve had around bad times when we’re “patching” things between us or from me asking her due to it being pretty obvious she’s a thing for someone – I have pried it out sometimes because the painting was on the wall and I was bit fed up of hearing a new funny story after her work about some male colleague.

I can fully accept that just because you’re in a relationship you don’t suddenly develop blinkers and don’t notice a good looking person – but I just have the underlying feeling that she could take things beyond “admiration” and act on these impulses.

I think her jealousy has also exacerbated things, as she has so many issues with any contact I have with girls that when she has contact with guys (especially coming out with some of what she has thought of about these guys) it probably seems even worse than it may really be.

I’ll stop there because I feel like all I’m doing is putting up walls of text.

Thank you again for taking the time to read.

Herrick

unsureofit wrote: »

- Flirting with opposite sex (though this has cut down a lot)
- Asked me not to come out for a certain night because she wanted to spend it with work mates and if I was there would feel like she had to look after me, only for me later to find out while she was with work mates she spent a good part of the night with a male colleague she then admitted she had a big crush on.
- Making deliberate efforts to find reasons to contact a few of these crushes and/or be in places they would be
- Potentially cheated on me once (kissed) but cannot remember due to alcohol
- Is quite jealous herself and gets upidy over contact I have with opposite sex but is quite happy for herself to have plenty of contact with opposite sex.
- Has spent time online finding some of these crushes.
- Signed up to a specific social media thing because one of these crushes was on it.
- Told me she thinks about some crushes while mastrubating and once or twice while we were having sex

After a "talk" last week about some of this stuff she told she has cheated on a boyfriend in the past (kissed) and was, what she felt, was emotionally cheating on another boyfriend chatting to some guy online for a while - so part of me feels a little like this is who she is and that as it's not something I want in my life, that I should end things.

For me there is more than enough there to advice you give her a firm kick in the arse and send her packing.

She is taking the absolute piss. She asked you not to come out on work nights so she could be alone with these crushes plain and simple.

You mention a lot of flirting, was this ever done in your presence?

She spends time searching up crushes online, then finds excuses to not only contact them, but to find ways to arrange running into them

Then the icing on the cake is after all this she throws a fit over you talking to other girls?

She then admits she has possibly cheated on you, cheated on an ex and emotionally cheated on a third guy?

I really don't know how you have put up with this. She sounds like a right bitch. She has ZERO respect for you and I'm sorry to say, is making a complete and utter fool out of you.

Get rid of her and save yourself any more head wreck.

Herrick

unsureofit wrote: »

This stuff pushed me away from her somewhat and then as a result this has led to some spiralling issues where I am not as close with her, she says this makes her feel rejected and that I’m not as intimate with her so she finds herself looking for it elsewhere.

While the stuff that happened when we were in bad spots I can half understand, the stuff that’s happened while we were in great form, plus her cheating on an ex in the past both kissing and emotional that is worrying me. In our talk last week she has admitted she has self-esteem issues and only feels “worth something” when she gets acknowledged or noticed by guys.

Sorry I meant to add this above. Don't buy into this bull**** as its an absolute cop out.

She could easily talk to you or break up with you if she "felt rejected" not go chasing other fellas and even perhaps cheating.

blatantrereg

Would you consider equivalent behaviour unacceptable in yourself?
Why would you apply different standards of behaviour to a partner?
Sometimes people get it into their heads that all members of the opposite sex are a certain way. It's a silly way of thinking and incorrect. It often leads to people putting up with awful crap.

Idle Passerby

Judging from your last post OP, It sounds like she doesn't really want to be in the relationship. She tells you all about other men she fancies, fantasies about, contacts when your patching things up. This should be when you are trying to show your partner that you have no doubts you want to be with them, and only them. Not giving them more reasons to feel insecure and doubt the relationship.