He hasn't come home

LegacyUser

I'm sitting in my house crying right now. My OH didn't come home last night, in fact he didn't come home Friday night either. No, he's not cheating. I nearly wish he was because the solution to that would be obvious!

He has very recently started to take a certain drug what I would consider very often although he'd beg to differ. I'm not into drugs myself although I don't mind him taking it when I'm not around. That agreement seemed to be grand for a while but then it basically turned in to him not asking me along when he was going out with this particular group of friends because he obviously wanted to take it. This means that we don't socialise together very often at all any more as he seems to be edging away from his older group of friends in favour of these guys.

Any way, I was out with my friends Friday night and last night and as I said he was also. We had agreed that we'd spend today and tomorrow together but as I mentioned he hasn't come home. He has also just texted me to say he's not coming home today. I'm guessing not tonight either. He did ask me to come join them but as I said, it's not my scene. I feel really really lonely right now, unloved, insignificant, disrespected. It's not the first time he has completely ignored plans we've made to do this. I replied to ask him what was to become of the plans we made and that I was really upset at him disregarding me like that. He ignored that and said he'd text me later.

I have no idea when he'll be home, I know what state he'll be in when he does eventually arrive and I'm wondering what the hell I'm in this relationship. We don't socialise together any more and he has more regard for party drugs than me. I feel I should walk.

Then on the other hand I'm thinking maybe he'll grow out of it soon and things will go back to the way they were. What if I'm throwing away something that will be great again.

I don't know, but my heart sure feels like it's breaking right now

A0

smashingpumpkin111 wrote: »

He has very recently started to take a certain drug what I would consider very often although he'd beg to differ. I'm not into drugs myself although I don't mind him taking it when I'm not around.

Weird.

This means that we don't socialise together very often at all any more as he seems to be edging away from his older group of friends in favour of these guys.

Is this being a couple in a relationship?

It's not the first time he has completely ignored plans we've made to do this.
I'm wondering what the hell I'm in this relationship. We don't socialise together any more and he has more regard for party drugs than me. I feel I should walk.

That's it, that's a good point. With no doubt I'd dump him.

Then on the other hand I'm thinking maybe he'll grow out of it soon and things will go back to the way they were. What if I'm throwing away something that will be great again.

No, unfortunately he's being selfish and childish not giving priority to the relationship. There's no point to elaborate and write pages about this and you have most answers in your post... Move ASAP.

It's not really weird that she's OK with drugs as long as it's not done around her - I would be the same.

Have you been in contact with him at all?

A0

Deleted User wrote: »

It's not really weird that she's OK with drugs as long as it's not done around her - I would be the same.

Each to their own.

The Corinthian

smashingpumpkin111 wrote: »

I'm sitting in my house crying right now. My OH didn't come home last night, in fact he didn't come home Friday night either. No, he's not cheating. I nearly wish he was because the solution to that would be obvious!

He's not come home Friday, Saturday and now Sunday for one of two reasons (which are not mutually exclusive); either he is actively destroying the relationship in a passive aggressive manner or he's gone off the edge due to his lifestyle.

If it is the former, then the relationship is already all but over. If it is the latter, then he should seek help at this stage.

You should ask him if he considers three days AWOL to be acceptable or normal behaviour. Either he will accept there's a problem (which may also be tied to your relationship) and that it has to be addressed or he won't.

If he does not and refuses to engage or does not see the severity of such behaviour then it would be advisable to take steps to protect yourself and end the relationship.

A0 wrote: »

Each to their own.

Indeed. However it comes down to what "not being into drugs" means. One, for example can not be a smoker, but that does not mean that they are so against smoking that they forbid their partner to smoke at all. It may simply mean that they do not want them smoking where it would affect them (within reason). People can have the same attitude towards other habits or drugs, regardless of their illegality or nature.

You may not agree with this, but as you said, each to their own.

shangri la

Drug taking usually gets progressively worse. Get him off the coke or start thinking about yourself.

A0

smashingpumpkin111 wrote: »

I'm not into drugs myself although I don't mind him taking it when I'm not around. That agreement seemed to be grand for a while but then it basically turned in to him not asking me along when he was going out with this particular group of friends because he obviously wanted to take it.

It's a bit off topic but I forgot to mention in my previous post that, in general, very few * relationships work well (on the long term I mean) between drinkers and non-drinkers, drug takers and non-drug takers, etc (same story with smoking). I already hear other posts replying "oh, you know my friend is non-smoker and married a smoker, they've been together 20 years".
Also, it's a bit awkward when you have kids to tell them "Daddy went out for a few joints with his mates, he'll be back later".

Edit: * "Very few" means a small number of and doesn't mean "not at all" or "none", "no", etc.

The Corinthian

shangri la wrote: »

Get him off the coke or start thinking about yourself.

We don't actually know what drug it is as the OP only referred to it as "a certain drug". It could also be ecstasy, LSD, hashish or even heroin.

This is important as while I'd agree with you that drug use can typically get progressively worse, the time-scales and effects do vary from what I know. It's also quite possible that he has 'graduated' to other, more serious, drugs that the OP is unaware of.

bouncebouncey

Each to their own and if you say 'I'm alright with you getting out of your box taking coke/pills/whatever' when I'm not around then fair enough.

I wouldn't have it to be honest. He could be an out of control maniac when taking drugs and it's not something I'd sanction in an OH. 'Yes darling you go off your f**king nut on drugs all you want just as long as I'm not around to see it'. No chance. Out of sight, out of mind might work for some people but that's delusional IMO.

It doesn't negate the fact that your boyfriend is a heavy drug user whose constant use of the drug, and quest to get out of his head, has started to impact heavily on his life and relationships. He has a serious drug problem now whether you like it or not. You talk about 'knowing what state he'll be in' when he does finally surface.

Personally I'd have no desire to go out with anyone who was a drug user. However you don't seem to have a problem with it. You've even given him the green light. If you love him try and help him and get him to stop. I think it will be incredibly difficult, though, as you have basically told him previously that you don't mind him using drugs. I don't know how much your words will carry in telling him he needs to stop since your initial stance was that it's perfectly alright.

The Corinthian

A0 wrote: »

It's a bit off topic but I forgot to mention in my previous post that, in general, very few relationships work well (on the long term I mean) between drinkers and non-drinkers, drug takers and non-drug takers, etc (same story with smoking).

Can you back this up with any hard facts or is it simply your opinion?

Also, it's a bit awkward when you have kids to tell them "Daddy went out for a few joints with his mates, he'll be back later".

Why would you tell the kids anything like that? Why not "Daddy went out with his mates, he'll be back later"?

It's not like we are brutally honest with them on most issues after all; "kids, time to go to bed. Mommy and daddy want to be alone so that daddy can roger her sideways".

ElleEm

OP, you have every right to be annoyed at him.

This weekend, his mates/ the drugs have taken over and he has given them priority over you, which is not on.
Don't tie yourself up in knots about it.

When he is in a fit state for discussion (and sober), tell him how you feel. If you feel that he cannot take the drugs recreationally, without allowing them to affect the rest of his life (relationships with both you and his other friends) then you need to say this to him.

A0

The Corinthian wrote: »

Can you back this up with any hard facts or is it simply your opinion?

I don't know if you really mean what you ask... a little naive.
Anyway, a couple of examples: http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/17493107
http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/16139939

From another angle (health wise)...
A report from the lay press if you're not into sciences: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/health/article-1039567/Non-smokers-married-smokers-42-likely-stroke-say-scientists.html

And more here (but you'll have to search it yourself): http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed

The data presented above suggest that it's difficult to maintain a long term relationship with someone who takes drugs or smokes or drinks alcohol. It doesn't say / mean that "a non-smoker should break up with their smoker partner"

I am a friend

He has a drug problem and all the pro-drugs druggies on here can differ but if drugs are affecting his life to this extent, he has a serious drug problem...

Taltos

A0 & The Corinthian - RI is not for debate - it is intended as a vehicle to provide civil, constructive and adult advice to the OP.
If you want to get into a debate on the merits of drugs please use another forum or take it to PM.

All - further debate on the rights/wrongs of drugs will be seen as taking this off topic and will be dealt with in that light. Please address the issue at hand, yes drug taking has a part in it but we do not want to see this thread spiral further away from the question the OP has posed.

Thanks
Taltos

blatantrereg

If it's e I'd suggest dumping him out of hand. It makes users feel artifical love and intimacy with the people they're around. If someone is ditching their partner to use it with strangers or acquaintances then that's just a big "fnck you" really. Also people tend to be receptive to all sorts of **** on it, so I wouldn't hope for someone to be faithful while using it. But then wanting to ditch your partner to feel fake love with randomers is unfaithful in itself in my book.

edit: I experienced a similar thing last year really. In that case, it certainly was a part of a passive aggressive campaign to destroy the relationship. It's worth mentioning that sort of behaviour was across the board at the time, not just to do with drugs. Has his behaviour become passive aggressive in other ways? - Taking you up wrong on purpose? Doing things he knows will piss you off? Making unrealistic demands, or bizarre accusations?

The Corinthian

That he's been AWOL for three days would indicate that it is more serious than hashish or even ecstasy. It is also quite possible that it is also related to other problems within the relationship. Personally, as I and other have said earlier, I believe the OP should seek to discuss what her partner has done and why he has done it when he 'resurfaces'. Only then can it be ascertained if this is a problem that can be overcome or not.

I don't do drugs myself, but some of the advice here has been both judgemental and harmful. Apparently if we were to follow some of it a non-smoker should break up with their smoker partner too, which is absolute nonsense.

lace

Hi OP!

If you're worried about what state he'll come home in (or if he'll come home at all) then it's an indication that he has a serious problem. I know you're hoping for the best and waiting for him to grow out of this but you have to ask yourself how long you can wait. How many more nights can you bare to spend alone wondering where he is and what he's at? How many more times can you be excluded from his social life? How much more heartache can you go through?

I think you may need to face up to the fact that this could get worse. He could start taking harder drugs, staying out longer and behaving more erratically. He could bring these drugs into your home and spend time with you while under the influence. He could start bringing these other "friends" to your home. I'm not saying he will, but it is a possibility you should consider.

His drug habit is something the two of you have discussed. He knows your feelings on the subject. Ye had an agreement. He is now choosing to go against that agreement and do something that he knows upsets you. It's clear how little he thinks of you when he doesn't even give you a proper reason for not coming home. It's clear how little he thinks of the relationship when he drops all plans with you to go take drugs with his friends.

If I were you, OP, I wouldn't sit around waiting to see what state he comes home in. I'd pack some things, remove any of my valuables from the house and go to stay with a friend or relative. This may not be possible in your situation and you may want to try to work things out but I certainly wouldn't stand for it.

The Lovely Muffin

If I was in your situation OP, I'd be out of that relationship like a shot.

What drug(s) does your boyfriend take? I personally have zero time or tolerance for drugs and anyone who takes them.

Your boyfriend has stayed out for three days and two nights and probably won't be home for a third night, where has he been staying? Are you 100% sure he isn't cheating?

I'd pack my bags and belongings and leave, I wouldn't hang around to see what state he'd be in when he does eventually bother to come home.

If his problem is this bad now, I can only imagine it will get worse, unless he decides to get help to get off the drugs, which I doubt he'll want to do.

You're better off without him OP. There are nicer guys out there who will treat you with the love and respect you deserve, which your current boyfriend isn't doing. He's not worth your love or respect, in my opinion.

Princess Peach

Not sure we have enough information! It could be a case that he is now taking you for granted and there is problems in your relationship.

Or it could also be the case that his recreational drug habit has turned into an addiction. Talk to him about it when he has sobered up. Tell him how it is making you feel, and ask him for more details on how he is using, and why he is using. Does he want to stop for the sake of your relationship, and for his own good? Maybe he needs your support to get help for his problems. Depends on what you both want for the relationship. Addiction can warp your priorities and perceptions.

I think you should give him a chance to explain himself, and make sure he gives you a chance to explain yourself. I hope ye can find a way to support each other and move forward, but it probably won't be easy.

outdoor_miner

OP, unfortunatly I was in a situation like you not so long ago. My ex gf started using drugs (coke, ectasy, weed, pills) with friends, and even though it was not my scene, I didn't judge. It started pretty small, but eventually led to the point where that took importance over me and I was even blamed for problems in the relationship for choosing not to adapt to her new lifestyle. Eventually, she did a lot of things she now regrets, and we are no longer in a relationship.

I am not saying that this will happen to you without a doubt, but it is mirroring what I went through. I couldn't measure up to the artificial feelings or the artificial people and it left me hurt a great deal. I wouldn't wish that pain on anyone.

Best of luck.

ihsb

Regardless of the reasons for him not coming home (drugs) I think you should get out.

He is still disrespecting you by cancelling plans, staying out all night and just not being a good boyfriend to you. You said yourself that his actions has led to you not being as socially active as a couple, this seems like the beginning of the end.

If I were you I would get out before you are hurt more.

ElleEm

ihsb wrote: »

Regardless of the reasons for him not coming home (drugs) I think you should get out.

He is still disrespecting you by cancelling plans, staying out all night and just not being a good boyfriend to you. You said yourself that his actions has led to you not being as socially active as a couple, this seems like the beginning of the end.

If I were you I would get out before you are hurt more.

With all due respect, I think you're being a bit hasty in your advice.

The OP's situation has just arisen recently and is a direct result of the boyfriend's recreational drug use getting more frequent.

The OP loves her partner, and I would assume he loves her. It would be very hasty for her to just "get out" without discussing this with her boyfriend first. She has said that she was okay with him doing drugs, so she has to DISCUSS her concerns re the drugs with him so that he can understand where she's coming from.

bouncebouncey

I think the problem is that it's beyond recreational now. He's spending entire weekends running around taking whatever drugs it is he's doing. It's no longer something he does for a bit of craic the odd time. It's something that he's spending all his free time doing to the detrement of his relationship. It sounds like he has a serious problem.

analucija

I'm not overly pro or anti drug although I never really liked illegal kind myself. However I think personal responsibility is completely gone when somebody is on a bash for three days. I would be furious and I can't see that as being acceptable. How can you rely on someone like that to keep a job. I'm not saying you should leave but your boyfriend deserves a big kick up his arse to start acting like an adult. And if he doesn't than I think you should leave. I know to many addicts who make the life for people around them very difficult and you wouldn't want to be stuck in that situation.

ihsb

ElleEm wrote: »

With all due respect, I think you're being a bit hasty in your advice.

The OP's situation has just arisen recently and is a direct result of the boyfriend's recreational drug use getting more frequent.

The OP loves her partner, and I would assume he loves her. It would be very hasty for her to just "get out" without discussing this with her boyfriend first. She has said that she was okay with him doing drugs, so she has to DISCUSS her concerns re the drugs with him so that he can understand where she's coming from.

No problem, everyone has opinions. She does love him I am sure but she also says "I don't know, but my heart sure feels like it's breaking right now". Does someone that loves you back break your heart?

Princess Peach

ihsb wrote: »

No problem, everyone has opinions. She does love him I am sure but she also says "I don't know, but my heart sure feels like it's breaking right now". Does someone that loves you back break your heart?

Yes, if an addiction takes over your life. You don't see things clearly.

None of us know the whole story, but I don't think its as black and white as staying or leaving.

ElleEm

ihsb wrote: »

No problem, everyone has opinions. She does love him I am sure but she also says "I don't know, but my heart sure feels like it's breaking right now". Does someone that loves you back break your heart?

I would imagine that he is not doing it on purpose. Have you never felt upset or disappointed by the behaviour of a partner? It is something you can get over with communication.

I think people are being slightly hysterical by talking about "addiction" and stuff.
But maybe that is because I have a liberal view of recreational drug use.
Although the OP has said that her partner's drug taking behaviour is a more recent and frequent thing, her post reads like this weekend bender is a surprising one- off. She should nip it in the bud now before it becomes more frequent.

indough

bouncebouncey wrote: »

I think the problem is that it's beyond recreational now. He's spending entire weekends running around taking whatever drugs it is he's doing. It's no longer something he does for a bit of craic the odd time. It's something that he's spending all his free time doing to the detrement of his relationship. It sounds like he has a serious problem.

It isn't just any normal weekend though, lots of people would consider this the best weekend of the year for going out and whatnot (not that i'm one of them). if he were doing this all the time then that would be a much greater issue of course.

people are far too quick to say dump him and i hate that attitude of total disposability in relationships, which seems far too prevalent these days. it is entirely possible to communicate and try to work on things together. it will be a wonder if there is any human race left in the not too distant future if this trend comes to its logical conclusion.

IrishEyes19

A0 wrote: »

It's a bit off topic but I forgot to mention in my previous post that, in general, very few relationships work well (on the long term I mean) between drinkers and non-drinkers, drug takers and non-drug takers, etc (same story with smoking). I already hear other posts replying "oh, you know my friend is non-smoker and married a smoker, they've been together 20 years".
Also, it's a bit awkward when you have kids to tell them "Daddy went out for a few joints with his mates, he'll be back later".

rubbish. my parents are an example, one drinks, the other has never touched a drop. and Ive friends who are the same.

OP, you need to evaluate this relationship fast. his behaviour isnt fair to you.if he cant accept this. I advise you leave the relationship for your own sake

ihsb

ElleEm wrote: »

I would imagine that he is not doing it on purpose. Have you never felt upset or disappointed by the behaviour of a partner? It is something you can get over with communication.

I think people are being slightly hysterical by talking about "addiction" and stuff.
But maybe that is because I have a liberal view of recreational drug use.
Although the OP has said that her partner's drug taking behaviour is a more recent and frequent thing, her post reads like this weekend bender is a surprising one- off. She should nip it in the bud now before it becomes more frequent.

Obviously communication is key. But by the sounds of it to me, the OPs other half has had no interest in communicating with her all weekend so in my mind communication has failed. Now obviously if the OP can talk to her OH and work through it then congrats! I really hope for the best. But I am just saying that if it was me I could not put up with behaviour like that.

On saying that. I don't have a liberal view on drug use. Meaning you can do what you want as long as it isn't anywhere near me and does not effect me in any way, and from the OPs post, I gather she is a bit like that.

Anyway good luck OP. Hope it works out either way!

bouncebouncey

indough wrote: »

It isn't just any normal weekend though, lots of people would consider this the best weekend of the year for going out and whatnot (not that i'm one of them). if he were doing this all the time then that would be a much greater issue of course.

people are far too quick to say dump him and i hate that attitude of total disposability in relationships, which seems far too prevalent these days. it is entirely possible to communicate and try to work on things together. it will be a wonder if there is any human race left in the not too distant future if this trend comes to its logical conclusion.

That it's St Patricks weekend is irrelevant IMO. People use it as an excuse to act like animals IMO but I get what you are saying. It's Paddy's weekend lets go on a mad one is a fair common theme though.

This is where my concerns stem from

He has very recently started to take a certain drug what I would consider very often although he'd beg to differ.

It's not just this weekend. The OP says he's taking drugs very often in her opinion. Very often. She's not saying this is a one off. She's saying he's at it on a very regular basis now. That's where my concerns come from.

He seems to have thrown himself into doing drugs very quickly. This weekend has been even more extreme than usual but I'd take it as a pattern of worsening behaviour developing.

I'm not going to start moralising about whether it's alright to take drugs or whatever else. I'll just say it's not acceptable regardless of the substance involved.

If a person said to their OH on Friday. Look I'm going on a constant three day drinking binge and I won't be home any day or night and you'll have no clue where I am or who I am with. I'd find that just as unacceptable.

To suggest it's unintentional on his behalf is silly. He's an adult. He's making conscious decisions to do these things despite knowing how his partner feels about it.

By all means she should try and work through it with him if she can. I think it may be an uphill task though because his behaviour has become extreme in a short space of time according to the OP. Her sanctioning it to some degree is just going to make it more difficult for her to get through to him IMO

BattleCorp

The dude has a serious drug problem.

I'm not adverse to the occasional recreational pharmacutical if that's what you are into, but this has stepped from recreational to uncontrollable.

A three day binge is somebody off the rails in my opinion.

A serious talk is needed when he is back in the land of the living because clearly it is affecting the relationship.

My advice would be to put the relationship on hold until the drug problem is sorted because clearly the drugs have taken priority over you in the relationship.

fits

I think the drugs thing is clouding the issue somewhat for some. The fact is, he has disappeared, stood you up and cancelled your plans. This is really bad form no matter what way you look at it. It does seem like he is somewhat off the rails.

An ex of mine did this to me a couple of times. I should have packed up and left the first time it happened to be honest. Its really rude to leave you worrying about what he's getting up to as well.

The Corinthian

fits wrote: »

I should have packed up and left the first time it happened to be honest.

With the benefit of hindsight absolutely. But the first time it happened, you did not know that it would continue to happen. People do bad things or make mistakes in relationships, but often the couple can work through them and put things back on track.

Certainly, I would not suggest that this is the case with the OP; it appears that what's going on there is very serious and may not have a happy ending, but if we were all to split up at the first hurdle, without making a genuine attempt to resolve things, then few relationships would last very long.

Big Bag of Chips

OP, he has effectively abandoned you for the entire bank holiday weekend, favouring to be with his mates instead. That's bad form. Whatever the reason, recreational drug use, drug addiction, plain bad manners etc... it all boils down to the same thing.

You and you alone are qualified to judge whether or not he has a problem. The fact that it is affecting your relationship to the point of you considering ending it, suggests to me that it is a problem. It may not be a problem for HIM.. but it is definitely a problem for you. And you are perfectly entitled to feel like that.

Also the fact that you mention you think he does it too much, he think he doesn't, would lead me to believe that you HAVE tried to discuss this with him, with no success.

I tend not to encourage people online to end their relationship based on a few lines of a post.. but I do encourage people to try change things they are not happy with.

I know you love him, but you are not his "minder". It's not up to you to convince him he should stop, or at least reduce the frequency. It's up to him to realise the affect he is having and then to change (with your support). But you can't support him if he doesn't see a problem.

At that stage you need to look after yourself. Do what you feel you have to. Only you can know if he is willing to change his habits. It's not unheard of by the way. So no need to write him off immediately.. but if he doesn't make a real effort for your relationship, then you have questions to answer for yourself.

Good luck.