Something for the Weekend

Bootup

The mother of a 17-year-old girl was concerned that her daughter was having sex..
Worried the girl might become pregnant and adversely impact the family's status, she consulted the family doctor.
The doctor told her that teenagers today were very willful and any attempt to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion.
He then told her to arrange for her daughter to be put on birth control and until then, talk to her and give her a box of condoms.
Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the mother told her about the situation and handed her a box of condoms.
The girl burst out laughing and reached over to hug her mother, saying,
'Oh Mom! You don't have to worry about that! I'm dating Susan!'

A man went to church one day and afterward he stopped to shake the preacher's hand. He said,
'Preacher, I'll tell you, that was a damned fine sermon. Damned good!'
The preacher said, 'Thank you sir, but I'd rather you didn't use profanity.'
The man said, 'I was so damned impressed with that sermon I put five thousand dollars in the offering plate!'
The preacher said, 'No sh*t?'

Brenda and Steve took their six-year-old son to the doctor.
With some hesitation, they explained that although their little angel appeared to be in good health,
they were concerned about his rather small penis.
After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, 'Just feed him pancakes.
That should solve the problem.'The next morning when the boy arrived at breakfast,
there was a large stack of warm pancakes in the middle of the table.
'Gee, Mom,' he exclaimed. 'For me?'
'Just take two,' Brenda replied. 'The rest are for your father.'

Bootup

some more....

The car sped off the highway, went through the guardrail, rolled down a cliff, bounced off a tree and finally shuddered to a stop.A passing motorist, who had witnessed the entire accident, helped the miraculously unharmed driver out of the wreck."Good lord, mister," he gasped, "are you drunk?""

Of course," said the man, brushing the dirt from his suit. "What the hell do you think I am -- a fu**ing stunt driver?"




A pretty blonde woman is driving down a country road in her new sports
car when something goes wrong and it breaks down. Luckily, she happens
to be near a farmhouse. She goes up to the farmhouse and knocks on the
door. When the farmer answers, she says to him, "It's Sunday night and
my car broke down! I don't know what to do! Can I stay here for the
night until tomorrow when I can get some help?" "Well," drawls the
farmer, "you can stay here, but I don't want you messin' with my sons Jed and Luke."
She looks through the screen door and sees two men standing behind the
farmer. She judges them to be in the early twenties. "Okay," she says.
After they have gone to bed for the night the woman begins to get a
little horny just thinking about the two boys in the room next to her.
So she quietly goes into their room and says, "Boys, how would you like for me to teach you the ways of the world?" They say, "Huh?"
She says,"The only thing is, I don't want to get pregnant, so you have to wear
these rubbers." She puts them on the boys, and the three of them go to it all night long.
Forty years later, Jed and Luke are sitting on the front porch, rocking
back and forth. Jed says, "Luke?" Luke says, "Yeah, Jed?" Jed says, "You
remember that blond woman that came by here about forty years ago and
showed us the ways of the world?" "Yeah," says Luke, "I remember." "Well, do you care if she gets pregnant?" asks Jed.
"Nope," says Luke,"I reckon not." "Me neither," says Jed. "Let's take these things off.