feel like such a sucker

LegacyUser

Recently going through a very difficult split with the ex. Without going into a lot of painful details, I decided to bounce around between friends' places and she kept the apartment that we shared. I should mention that we were trying to live together amicably so as to help each other get back on our feet, but I found out she was being dishonest about people who was over while I was away during the day--people that contributed to our breakup. She told me time and time again that out of respect for me and our relationship and all we had been through over the years that she would not have them (and specifically a "him", if you get my drift) over but one night I came home to find evidence of them everywhere. This triggered and impromptu move out on my part. So I bounce around between parents and friends, and she turns our apartment into a party pad. Also, I had paid last months rent and a deposit when I first moved in (the apt was in my name)

About a week ago, she calls me in hysterics...she had two pet rats and one of them died. I put all of my feelings of difficulty being around her and in our shared place aside and went to assist her in this traumatic time. She seemed grateful and to have a realization that I was the one who was there for her. She told me that the people that she traded our friendship in for her were not worth it (they are all new friends) and that she was going to do a lot of thinking about things that she had done that contributed to our breakup. It was nice to hear these things and I got a sense of closure. The only thing I asked of her was to please not do anything ever to make me feel foolish for coming to her assistance, as it was not easy for me emotionally to be there.

Now the landlords want to come by on Sunday and do a walkthrough on the apartment and give me my deposit back. I said great, contacted her to see if she wanted to get together today during the day and do a cleanup so she is not embarrassed by having other people in there. Her response was "oh, it's Paddy's day, I want to have people over, you could just come early tomorrow and clean up". So here I am again. I feel so stupid for putting myself out there and helping her in her time of need. When I told her that I would not be coming over to clean up after her friends, she said "well, it is your deposit". Am I overreacting? The only reason I wanted to clean up was to help her. We have been through a lot together over the years, and though I will not get back together with her, I still value her a great deal. We were best friends. We knew each other better than we knew anyone else. Am I a sucker? Even through this, if she needed me tomorrow I would be there for her, but I feel like I shouldn't be. I am just so confused.

Lorna123

I feel at this stage if your deposit is at stake here then it is perfectly understandable that you would want the place to look well for the landlord's inspection. I wouldn't care whether this was before or after her party. The point is that you want you deposit back and once you have this then you say goodbye to her.

It is also understandable that you would still have feelings for her, you are a gentleman and have good qualities and this shows in your eagerness to help this woman, but I feel that once you get your deposit back then she is on her own from there on.

You will soon get over this breakup and I wish you the best of luck.

LegacyUser

You are no sucker - unfortunately when people are nice and put themselves out there they can end up feeling like one, but you're not at all dude. You sound like a very decent person.

But now, just to clarify, this girl is living under the roof you have paid for and is having a party today under this roof - and is expecting you to basically be able to come and clean up after her and her chums!? Eh, wha!?

This girl needs to receive a phone call from you telling her that you are going to be there at X time today to clean the place and that's end of story - if I was there and people were showing up they'd be swiftly told where to exit...

blatantrereg

Clean the apartment. Get your deposit back. Remember this is how she sees you - as a sucker - and override your generous impulses next time she looks for emotional support.

No you're not a sucker. You're normal to feel an urge to give support to someone you were close to who looks to you when they're in distress. However she is not normal and sees/treats you as a sucker for this.

Expect her to call you names or try to make you feel guilty when her other rat dies [or whatever] and you dont put yourself out for her. Ignore that too.

bouncebouncey

I don't think you're a sucker OP. I think you did a very decent thing in how you behaved with your break up. You had shared your life with this woman for what sounds like quite a while from the tone of your post. You were respectful of that and didn't throw a tantrum at the break up. You even allowed her to live in the apartment in your name, that you'd paid, while you bounced around other places which was a total inconvenience to you.

You were very nice and very civil about the whole thing. I commend you for that and I'd ask you not to beat yourself up over this at all.

That she wants to party up a storm in the place would be irritating I can imagine. However it might be part of her mourning process acting out. However I know why it's getting on your nerves given that you've ceded control of the apartment to her to allow her to get over the breakup. However having the 'him' over when she explicitly said she wouldn't and this person was a contributing factor to your breakup is totally taking the piss.

It sounds like there was a third party involved directly in your breakup and now, after you've given her the apartment very generously and at your own discomfort, she has had him over and been having sex with him in the apartment in your name that you paid for. Disgraceful behaviour IMO.

You were very well behaved with the whole shoulder to cry on thing too. Then she immediately takes the piss as soon as she'd got what she wanted from you. Disgraceful again. She's showing none of the respect to you and the relationship you had that you have extended to her.

It's very hard to do anything about this Paddy's day party she's having. You could go back into YOUR apartment and try and put an end to it but it would get messy. This laissez faire attitude of 'oh it's your deposit' when you mentioned not cleaning up after her friends is a big f**k you! Basically, 'well I don't give a sh*t if the place is dirty and you don't get your deposit back. I'm just going to party it up'

Bottom line. Go in and clean the place tomorrow. Bite your tongue. And get this woman out of your life a.s.a.p
You're not a sucker but she is taking advantage of the feelings you had/have for her in a way that is absolutely reprehensible.

Keep your chin up. You sound like a really, really, really decent person and I'm sure you'll bounce back quicker than you realise.

LegacyUser

OP here. Thanks all for the replies. Yeah, after reading through what you have all said, you reinforced what I knew inside all along; that I must just go and clean up regardless of her and what she does there. I am sure it will only prove that I made the right decision. Thanks again all for the words of encouragement! Hope you all are having a great evening.

dellas1979

You cant be calling yourself a sucker for being a decent human being.