Feel lost and confused about life

LegacyUser

I don't even know where to start. These aren't even real problems, I just feel so lost and I've been so upset about myself for the past few days I need to get it out.

Ok, so first off I feel so lonely lately and like nothing in my life is worth while. I have plenty of friends but lately I've felt myself drifting away from the all as many of them move closer together. I feel as though I'm not putting the effort in but at the same time I don't even know what I should be doing differently. We still get on great and everything but we don't hang out as much and even when we do, with most of them I feel like there is something between us...like a wall or something. I can't even explain it I just feel different from everyone.

I'm also single, which I know at 21 shouldn't be a big deal to me but it is. I feel so rejected all the time. I have had to boyfriends in my life, the most recent was terrible, her never wanted to see me etc. but it still felt better than being single. Being with my first boyfriend was the happiest time of my live. It was like he made my live fall into place. But unfortunately distance, circumstance and his bi-polar disorder got in the way we don't even talk now. I'm so down about it all the time. I feel like I'll never meet someone as perfect as him again or anybody who cares about me the way he did, my other ex certainly didn't. I've only kissed on boy in the last 6 months and without meaning to sound cocky I was "out of his league" looks-wise (That didn't bother me or anything) so I felt sure he'd at least want to try and get to know me but apperently I'm not even worth that, we had one date organised but he cancelled. I just don't understand whats wrong with me. I know people often talk about people giving off vibe of desperation but I don't act desperate or anything...

And then I just don't know what I'm doing with my life at all. I'm in my 3rd year (with one more to go) of a degree that I don't really care about and am not very good at. My parents (and, ya know, society) are pressuring me into a postgrad and a "real" career when I have no interest in either. The problem is I don't know what to do instead. I plan to live in america for a year, working at whatever I can get, and then teaching english abroad until I think of something better. But this doesn't appear to be good enough for anyone. I'm wasting my life and have to think about my future apparently. I don't know what I'm supposed to do, I know it's selfish to have my parents worry but can't they see that they're being selfish by trying to make me life the way they see fit?

I also find it so hard to get motivated to study because I care so little about my degree. I do enjoy one side of it but I find most of it so tedious. I used to justify it by telling myself that I put more value in my social life but now I spend most of the time I should be using for college moping around trying to think of things I could do to make myself feel like a worth while person. I'm desperate for my life to mean something, if not to others then at least to me.

I've been to a counsellor before but it didn't help. While she obviously wasn't visibly judging me I still felt as though she thought I was an idiot, maybe I am I don't even know anymore. I just feel so lost in the world.