Binge eating and relationship problems.

LegacyUser

Sorry this is so long.

Bit of background: I'm quite slim and am very active (go to the gym/training 6 times a week) but I suffer from binge eating disorder. Bascially, everytime I put in a situation out of a comfort zone I devour a stupid amount of food. I'm talking 7000-8000 calories in the space of 5 hours. I eat to the point where I pysically can't move and am in a lot of pain. The fact that I work out so regular means that these binges don't really have an effect on my figure but they screw with my head.

I've spoken to my doctor and she has referred me to a councellor to deal with the issues of why I binge. In the mean time she told me to try and have a bit of regularity. i.e. plan meals in advance and don't deviate from what I say I'm planning to eat.

The problems I found lately relates to my OH who has quite a close family. They are always inviting me for dinner which I always decline because anytime I go there I can't control the amount of chocolate/biscuits etc I eat. I have no will power and as soon as I get a taste of these 'bad' foods I follow them with more 'bad' foods. Eg. I'd go to the chipper/chinese/indian after eating dinner and a heaps of ice-cream etc in their house.

I opened up about my eating disorder to my boyfriend recently. I explained to him my distress when I visit his home house and he seemed to understand where I was coming from. He said he wouldn't ask me to come over to his house again until I have things more under control.

A few nights ago he rang to say that they had made dinner and would I like him to bring some home for me. I had already planned out dinner for that day so I said no. I was pretty annoyed because again I had to change my dinner plans to cook for myself instead of two (not really such a big deal to the average person). When he came home I tried to calmly explain to him about needed structure for meals and it didn't help that he had changed my structure.

It turned into an argument and he said that he feels like he is lying to his own family when he's making excuses for me to not come over and wants me to tell them what I'm going through. I never asked him to lie. I always make other arrangements to see my own family lately when I know he'll be going to see his.

My own family don't know yet. I don't think I'm ready to tell them as I'm still coming to terms with it myself.

I don't feel like it's any of his families business to know about what I'm going through. He doesn't see a way past this unless I come clean to his family.

Any suggestions on what I should do?

Princess Peach

I have binge eating disorder, I kinda swap between that and bulimia. More often than not now I will do the eating but not the purging, 90% of the time really.

You're on the right track with the counselor and the meal plans, so don't think you need any advice there. Be proud of yourself

And be proud you told your boyfriend. I never really told mine the extent of it, I'm kind of embarrassed really. And it did affect things, when we would get food and go out for dinner. The same with friends really and especially family.

It is none of your boyfriends family's business but it would make things easier if they knew. I think anybody you are eating with needs to know. Now I also know thats easy to say but difficult to do! Just passing on the best advice I can't take myself! I think you are doing well for now avoiding going there but that can't last forever. And in the future when you are feeling ready it will be best for them to know so they can avoid tempting you.

As for your boyfriend, maybe give him more information? I'm not sure exactly what you have told him. Try and let him know your thoughts and feelings on your situations. Share with him the information your counselor and doctor give you on how to deal with this, so he knows what you are doing and how he can help. Most likely he's not being insensitive to you, he is just finding it hard to understand. He seems frustrated over the family situation. Maybe find a way to tell the family something without telling them the whole story just yet? So that he isn't lying. Maybe just that you are having some issues, not ready to talk about it yet but its nothing to do with them at all.

You seem to be doing really well though. Keep it up

Babooshka

OverEater wrote: »

Sorry this is so long.

Bit of background: I'm quite slim and am very active (go to the gym/training 6 times a week) but I suffer from binge eating disorder. Bascially, everytime I put in a situation out of a comfort zone I devour a stupid amount of food. I'm talking 7000-8000 calories in the space of 5 hours. I eat to the point where I pysically can't move and am in a lot of pain. The fact that I work out so regular means that these binges don't really have an effect on my figure but they screw with my head.

I've spoken to my doctor and she has referred me to a councellor to deal with the issues of why I binge. In the mean time she told me to try and have a bit of regularity. i.e. plan meals in advance and don't deviate from what I say I'm planning to eat.

The problems I found lately relates to my OH who has quite a close family. They are always inviting me for dinner which I always decline because anytime I go there I can't control the amount of chocolate/biscuits etc I eat. I have no will power and as soon as I get a taste of these 'bad' foods I follow them with more 'bad' foods. Eg. I'd go to the chipper/chinese/indian after eating dinner and a heaps of ice-cream etc in their house.

I opened up about my eating disorder to my boyfriend recently. I explained to him my distress when I visit his home house and he seemed to understand where I was coming from. He said he wouldn't ask me to come over to his house again until I have things more under control.

A few nights ago he rang to say that they had made dinner and would I like him to bring some home for me. I had already planned out dinner for that day so I said no. I was pretty annoyed because again I had to change my dinner plans to cook for myself instead of two (not really such a big deal to the average person). When he came home I tried to calmly explain to him about needed structure for meals and it didn't help that he had changed my structure.

It turned into an argument and he said that he feels like he is lying to his own family when he's making excuses for me to not come over and wants me to tell them what I'm going through. I never asked him to lie. I always make other arrangements to see my own family lately when I know he'll be going to see his.

My own family don't know yet. I don't think I'm ready to tell them as I'm still coming to terms with it myself.

I don't feel like it's any of his families business to know about what I'm going through. He doesn't see a way past this unless I come clean to his family.

Any suggestions on what I should do?

Hiya, does he realise how strongly this is affecting you right now? To me it sounds like he is lacking in understanding eating disorders, they're a very big mystery even to people who have them, so I completely get where you're coming from. I had some food issues up to about 7 years ago, I am now completely free of guilt from food and am not a slave to food any more. I can't tell you how it happened, I'm sorry. The eating issues are only a symptom of whatever inside of you is getting to you, when you come to realise what it is from within that's making you need to control your eating without trusting your own body, it will start to get better.

In the meantime, I would most definitely tell someone in your immediate family after you have taken a couple of days to get your own head around it. My family were very supportive of me during that time, and although I sometimes hated them trying to get me to eat, I couldn't have come through it without their love. Your b/f sounds like he is not really getting how strongly the food issues are affecting you, and he needs to realise that this is quite serious for you, and you need his support in not telling his family unless you agree to it, it's a medical issue like any other that demands some confidentiality and some understanding from him. Maybe try putting it to him that way, it's not about lying to his family, it's about protecting your wishes, it's an illness not a hang up. Lastly, you are reaching a point where you're aware of this and you're trying to do something about it...so congratulations, lots of people are nowhere near that yet, so hang in there and be brave, be as honest with yourself as you possibly can, and I wish you a speedy recovery. B

LegacyUser

OP have you talked to your councellor about your BF? Would you be ok with him coming to a session with you and taking through the issue with the councellor present? You can of course get him reading material or direct him to websites on the issue but eating disorders are really personal issues and what effects and upsets one person may not be the same for the next person. For alot of people unless they've suffered from one can't really relate when a loved one is suffering with one.

beks101

Hi OP,

Sorry for what you're going through, I know it's the hardest and the most frustrating thing in the world.

I do think it would be worth your while bringing your boyfriend along to a counselling session as someone else mentioned, and providing him with as much information as possible, maybe sending him some good links or books so he can read up on it.

However, it's important when you're suffering from an eating disorder to realise how much of a difficult position it puts your loved ones in. To people who don't suffer, it can be a game of walking on eggshells, feeling as though it's a lose-lose situation, that they can never do or say the right thing for you and they're totally helpless in your recovery. In my experience it can be even more difficult for men - who generally tend to be more pragmatic and practical about food and don't tend to be as susceptible to emotional eating*.

Personally, this realisation was a big step in the recovery process for me, as it made me realise that this obsessive structure that I felt I needed in my life, was just another way of exerting control, which is what is at the heart of eating disorders. This sort of structure and strict routine is not normal to someone who doesn't suffer with an ED, they don't understand the underlying emotions and how symbolic food is for you, how it's a vehicle for projecting stress, anxiety, depression, hurt, etc.

So be patient with your boyfriend. He's probably racked with confusion and upset trying to wrap his head around your disorder, and then having to deal with an onslaught of questions from his family as to why you have suddenly disappeared. His family may be feeling rejected by you, which in turn makes him feel guilty. And yet he can't tell them what's going on. It's got to be very difficult for him.

I'd also say that although it is completely his duty to you to educate himself about your ED and adapt to changes to help you in your recovery, it's not reasonable to expect him to change his lifestyle or tip toe around you when it comes to food and eating. That's not fair on him and I don't think it will facilitate you in a full recovery either - in the real world, dinner plans will get cancelled at the last minute, restaurant plans will change, menus will change, work will get in the way, social events will be sprung upon you where there's no predicting what sort of food you'll come face to face with. That's the biggest part of recovery - learning how to cope with stressors without resorting to binge-eating, and that's not done by avoiding those unpredictable situations, it's by dealing with the underlying emotions and getting used to being in those situations so that they become less stressful.


* I stress 'generally' as men obviously can and do suffer from emotional eating and/or eating disorders

neuro-praxis

Some therapy centres offer eating distress group therapy where the sufferers can bring their partners. The Marino Therapy Centre in Dublin offer this service on Saturday mornings at a cost of €10 per person. If your partner came along it might give him a better understanding of what is going on with you. Good luck. Try and focus on your recovery rather than on your behaviours. Focusing on the behaviours only makes things worse.