Worried about Dad's driving.

Bloe Joggs

Hi there.

As the title suggests, I have been quite concerned about my Fathers driving habits for some time, especially on Motorways. Just today while travelling with him we had 2 near misses, one on the M50 and another on a regular road. They were both due to inattention and bad observation. On the 2nd one, I had to shout very abruptly to avoid us hitting a taxi coming up on the inside lane as he turned in to join that lane where the bus lane ends, he always indicates but only when he's doing the manoeuvre, not before. After that one he just said "oh well at least he apologised for it"....which left me kind of speechless.

With the first one, I kind of looked around very deliberately as we were joining the Motorway to emphasise that we were on a collision course with a car as the ramp merged with the road. Amazingly, he didn't seem to register this gesture which could mean that he had seen the vehicle but didn't see the obvious impending danger, which would be a judgement issue. Luckily, the other car accelerated just in time to give us just enough space to get in with maybe just a few feet to spare. I find myself having to bite my tongue with these near incidents because he refuses to accept there's anything wrong and it ends up in a big stupid fruitless argument.
There are a number of possible things going on but I'm really not sure which ones hold the most weight.
He did admit to me recently that he's had cancer for the last few years, I had to pry it out of him after it became painfully obvious that something was going on. Apparently it was too late for treatment of any kind so he is on various medications plus a chemical cocktail he gets every few months, to keep it from advancing more quickly, although he says he feels fine and there are no obvious symptoms of it advancing yet. Is it possible that these could be affecting his driving?
The other thing of course could be the weight his condition carries on his mind, letting his attention wander. He runs a small business and refuses to stop working, saying he'll work up until the end. He is the sort of person who desperately never wants to appear weak and couldn't stand the idea of not being alpha and having people look after him. If you knew him you would know that it would be impossible to reason with him on this.

So I could go on and on but this is about the very urgent issue of his driving, which includes weird and dangerous things like going through the odd red light, stopping in a line of normal moving traffic to let a car make a right turn or a pedestrian cross the road, the sort of things that would be an instant fail on a driving test and he just doesn't see the danger. I'm really concerned and I don't know how to raise it because he's not the easiest person to bring these kinds of things up with. I even got a defensive driving book and leave it lying around hoping he'll start flicking through it.

Any suggestions at all would be really appreciated.

Thanks.

Stavro Mueller

Are there any family members who could talk to him either or back you up? Something is going to have to be said to him as soon as possible. I'd also be thinking about going to chat to his GP and explaining the situation.

Leitrim lass

I can understand you are concerned about you father OP, but have you considered that you may also be a nervous passenger?
Joining motorways is a manoeuvre that is best done smoothly. Remember that he has mirrors and the other cars on the motorway can also see emerging traffic. He is quite possibly in much better control and judgement than you realise.
Lots of drivers stop/slow down in traffic depending on the speed of traffic to let other drivers take a right turn. It may go against you in a driving test but doesn't mean it dangerous in every occasion it's done.
Do you drive yourself or have you recently started driving. If you are new to driving you may be overly critical of others driving whereas you mightn't have noticed these things in the past.

I don't mean to dismiss your version of events in any way OP, so please don't thing I'm being condescending in any way.
I'm just trying to offer another view point.

Bloe Joggs

Thanks for the replies peoples. There is a further complication in that I'm not allowed tell anyone else about his condition including my other siblings, originally I wasn't even supposed to know but as anyone knows these things spill over regardless of how much someone tries to hide them. Leitrim Lass I appreciate having another viewpoint and I've taken it onboard but I've been driving for maybe 10 years and I've seen enough to know what's reasonably safe and what's completely off the wall bonkers. It could also be an eyesight thing and something that may back that up is that he quite often doesn't see when the lights turn green and remains stopped at the line for up to 10 seconds before either me or someone behind us lets him know (peripheral vision issue?), as well as going through red lights. Really I'm just searching for reasons and ways to start the dialogue.