Confused, lost and depressed :(

BrazIrish

Hello guys and girls...

I'm a 27-year-old-man kinda new to the scene and going through a lot at once, it's been really hard for me. I just came out but didn't have any problem with family and friends, the thing but to get involved with people in a relationship.
Just to picture the scene, I am a student in Ireland, living with straight flatmates, working.. after some time here I could settle myself but now I feel EXTREMELY ALONE and I'm going into depression. I don't care about anything but finding someone.
I started going out to gay places like The George, Dragon etc few months ago, the thing is: I kiss a guy and then he kisses me back, we chat, laugh and it looks like a friendship is being build there and I end up in bed. Sometimes they ask for my phone and vice-versa but they vanish. I just come back to my ordinary life and I cry a lot at home, I feel completely alone, abandoned and used, they should say at least that they don't want anything. Worse than that, I feel like rubbish going after them and then I go back again to some gay place in order to find someone and it goes over and over again.

I just can't control myself to say 'no' if a guy invite me to his place or whatever. My question is, whenever this happens, am I wrong to think that a relationship could come up from a night stand? Or am I looking for a relationship in the wrong place? I keep doing this because I feel like in paradise, like all my problems are gone when someone holds my hand, kiss me and show that he cares and until he throws me away. Somebody please help me

Aurongroove

I'm in the same situation 27, student, new to scene: been looking for a relationship so I've been frequenting gay venues.

It's not a big deal. It sounds like you're beating yourself up a little too much about it. I met a dude a few nights ago who really hit it off with me, unfortunately it was his last day in Dublin, and we decided not to do anything because neither of us were one night stand kind of people.

The fact that you're getting invitations to flats etc shows your already making a lot more headway at just approaching people and 'scoring' then I am. I've not even met anyone yet.

I've often found myself wondering the same thing as you: is there a point to trying to find relationship material in the George, the Dragon etc.
on the one hand it is full of gay people, on the other hand how many people are there just to look for a bit of leg.
it's impossible to here yourself shout let alone have a conversation with another person.

but don't lose hope. In short I will say I understand exactly your situation, but I'm no where near as depressed by my own lack of progress as you seem to be with yours.
so chin up: if starting a relationship was easy, no one would ever be single. and by the sound of it your already doing a lot better then I am.

BrazIrish

Thanks for the reply, Aurongroove, that was the best idea, a friend of mine told me not to go, but I didn't listen to her, now I pay the price, he's just ignoring me I won't call anymore, two messages and one call is enough
I wasn't the kind of one night stand but I thought that I could build a relationship with someone from there... now I doubt it's possible to meet someone in such places, looks like it's just sex.
Maybe the kind of progress I am doing isn't progress at all as it hurts A LOT. I feel depressed because I am alone in Dublin as my friends left the country and those ones who you'd think they care about you they don't
Where to meet people here?

Rick_

As a fellow 27 year old I can empathise, I feel the same quite a lot. I too was wondering if bars were the best places to meet guys, seeing as the majority are probably there for some fun or even if they aren't, with alcohol in their system they'll go for it anyway. I'm not like hat, the whole one night thing doesn't apply to me and never has. The thought of it actually repulses me. I'd like to do the whole proper dating thing, meet up a few times, go for a meal, drinks, walks, chat and get to know one another and really form a connection. Anyone can have a quick fumble and feel good for 20 minutes, but I'd rather have a lifetime than a quickie. It does depress me sometimes when I sit and think that I have done so little at 27 when I know 16 year olds who have done a hell of a lot more, but I'm a quality over quantity person too, so I'd rather not do much and do it with the right guy than just go out and whore myself around with anyone that'll have me. So, chin up, there are worse places and positions you could be in, just keep trying and eventually you will find your man. Sounds like such a bullshít cliché but it is true. As Aurongroove said, if it was that easy, surely everyone would be in one and no-one would be single. You feel the same as a lot of us out there do, and the only thing we can do is to keep trying. Have you tried internet dating to chat to and get to know guys first before meeting them? You may have some success there if you'd rather have the dating and getting to know someone instead of the jumping into bed with them.

Caiseoipe19

Paddy C wrote: »

Have you tried internet dating to chat to and get to know guys first before meeting them? You may have some success there if you'd rather have the dating and getting to know someone instead of the jumping into bed with them.

I'd agree with Paddy regarding the internet but even if you're out and about and you meet someone you think you have a connection with, would it not be better to not go to bed with them straight away. If they are looking for a relationship as well and think there might be something between the two of you surely not sleeping with them on the first night wouldn't put them off? On the other hand if they are just looking for a one-off and you don't hear from them again, at least you won't feel you were used really. Maybe I'm a bit naive though...

floggg

OP, have you thought about why you are so desperate to find a relationship and whether it's really what you need or should be looking for?

I'm not sure from whether you are Irish (or Brazilisn perhaps?), but you mentioned your friends have moved away and that you are generally feeling lonely. I wonder might you be better off trying to make new friends - straight or gay - and getting involved in some new past times and interests, rather than just looking for a relationship.

Even if you found one, a relationship can only give you so much, but you still need other friends and interests outside of it. It's not healthy to be on each others pockets the whole time or to be totally reliant on each other.

Are you even ready for a relationship? You seem new to the gay scene (as am I so I know how you feel), and probably to the idea of being openly gay too. Are you comfortable enough with everything - coming out, feeling lonely etc - to commit properly to a relationship or are you hoping the relationship will "fix" you?

Personally after reading your post, I felt it might be better for you to focus on making new friends or taking up a new hobby than jumping into a relationship. I think coming out can feel very daunting and isolating and you might feel that straight people can't relate to you at first.

I think having a good support network of friends is better for you at that time than a relationship - and indeed sometimes what you think is a desire to be in a relationship is actually just you looking for a way to express yourself to others or open up.

Thankfully, and probably for that reason, there are loads of ways to meet new friends on the gay scene or to get involved in new activities. There's loads of sporting, activity and community groups etc which can be a great way of meeting people. Everybody there had to go through the same thing at some point so they are generally very welcoming and friendly.

Apart from anything else, having a more balanced social life also helps you get out there and meet more prospective partners. There's nothing wrong with a one night stand (and nothing to feel ashamed or guilty about). Its just that more often than not nothing will come of them.

That said, if you try online dating, you may also end up going on lots of dates with different people before finding any decent prospect. That's not to discourage you - I just think that these things have to happen kind of organically and you can't force chemistry where there is none.

By all means do look for a relationship - just don't make it the be all and end all of your life otherwise you are only setting yourself up for disappointment.

Feel free to PM me if you want to talk about anything.

Irish Aris

Totally agree with floggg.
I am at a (sort of) similar situation: moved to Ireland a few months ago and only had one friend from my home country. Only difference would be, I don't specifically looking for a relationship. I am mostly interested in socializing and meeting new people- and if something more would come out of it, I wouldn't say no.
I think what floggg suggests about joining a group is a very good idea. I have done it myself and it feels so good to meet every now and then with gay people, have a drink or dinner and chat a bit. It makes you feel so much better and if you find a group you like, you will definitely be looking forward to the meetings. It will probably help you feel better and, who knows, you might find someone too!!!

BrazIrish

Cygnus wrote: »

I'd agree with Paddy regarding the internet but even if you're out and about and you meet someone you think you have a connection with, would it not be better to not go to bed with them straight away.

I am trying the internet thing, I met someone some time ago, a proper dating with dinner etc. It was good, we were seeing each other, going to cinema. I went back to my country on holidays and he was gone when I came back, not even a good-bye. But it's something I'll have to learn how to deal with. don't worry I'm naive too, maybe even more than you are

floggg wrote: »

OP, have you thought about why you are so desperate to find a relationship and whether it's really what you need or should be looking for?

Are you even ready for a relationship? You seem new to the gay scene (as am I so I know how you feel), and probably to the idea of being openly gay too. Are you comfortable enough with everything - coming out, feeling lonely etc - to commit properly to a relationship or are you hoping the relationship will "fix" you?

By all means do look for a relationship - just don't make it the be all and end all of your life otherwise you are only setting yourself up for disappointment.

Wise words, I haven't thought this way. I just considered the moments I felt so well and this would be "permanent" in a relationship. I feel I am ready but friends in the scene would be the best idea to be "really part of it".
I feel I am ready for a relationship except that I might be very intense and whoever might be the guy he might not want someone so intense.
I'll keep what you said in mind and see things from another perspective.

Dwn Wth Vwls

BrazIrish wrote: »

I feel EXTREMELY ALONE and I'm going into depression.
I don't care about anything but finding someone.

You really need friends as floggg says. Relationships shouldn't solve any problems you're having, they should be an added bonus to your life.

BrazIrish wrote: »

I just can't control myself to say 'no' if a guy invite me to his place or whatever.

Firstly, you should try saying "how about you meet me for a coffee instead?".
Secondly, you should believe that you're worth waiting for. If someone can't be bothered going on a few dates with you, then they aren't worth your time.

bikeman1

BrazIrish,

The George / Dragon etc are classic places where lads go to get a one night stand and nothing more. There are loads of guys who are happy to keep doing that all the time. I know how fun it is to feel loved and all the attention and you seem to be lucky in going back to peoples places, but you should only take it as a one night stand, because that is all it is.

However, those who say love cannot be found in gay clubs are wrong. My boyfriend and I met each other there 3 years ago, at 2 in the morning while just dancing away and have a had a great time together since, so it is possible.

Also you say that you can be a bit demanding with following up with texts and stuff. I would stand your ground, let them know you are interested but not going to waste time chasing after them if the feeling is not mutual.

My advice would be to relax, don't go looking for a relationship, these are special and can often come when you least expect it. Just make some new friends, try not to feel lonely or isolated, and have fun.

BrazIrish

Dwn Wth Vwls wrote: »

Secondly, you should believe that you're worth waiting for. If someone can't be bothered going on a few dates with you, then they aren't worth your time.

Thanks a mil what was happening was me feeling so pushy by wanting to build something, a friendship at least, when they actually didn't want anything. But friends will be actually the best way to get over it. You're 100% right when you say they're not worth my time and attention. I just couldn't see it at all, I really mean it.

bikeman1 wrote: »

those who say love cannot be found in gay clubs are wrong. My boyfriend and I met each other there 3 years ago, at 2 in the morning while just dancing away and have a had a great time together since, so it is possible.

Also you say that you can be a bit demanding with following up with texts and stuff. I would stand your ground, let them know you are interested but not going to waste time chasing after them if the feeling is not mutual.

My advice would be to relax, don't go looking for a relationship, these are special and can often come when you least expect it. Just make some new friends, try not to feel lonely or isolated, and have fun.

That's great to hear you find your boyfriend there. I'll keep with this in mind but I won't go out anymore looking desperately for someone. I guess the best idea now is just to go with the flow and enjoy the place itself and try to make new friends. The idea of the gay groups are great and I'll try to follow that. The thing is I can't stick my friends from my home-country as they come back and I stay on my own every now and then. On the other hand I feel the Irish guys are more conservative about who they want to be friends with/ relate to, maybe for the same reason (losing a friend after some time because they leave the country), I might be wrong tho.

Anyway, I feel a lot better with all the feedback received as I just was really lost, completely lost my mind doing whatever I was doing and suffering the next days because of my own mistakes. Living and learning.

checkcheek

bikeman1 wrote: »

BrazIrish,My advice would be to relax, don't go looking for a relationship, these are special and can often come when you least expect it. Just make some new friends, try not to feel lonely or isolated, and have fun.

just have to echo this

stephen_n

Looking for a relationship is a sure fire way not to find one and leads to a strong possibilty of messing it up when you do. It seems from what your saying that your hoping this relationship will fix your lonlieness and maybe help you accept yourself fully too I'm guessing that part! Anyway that is a hell of a lot of pressure to put on yourself, on anyone you meet and on any relationship before it starts. Just stop for a second and think what you need here. A relationship or a group of gay friends that you can talk to and who will empathize with you about all the changes in your life? You may end up finding a relationship and yet still be lonely and isolated. My advise if any would be to build a network of gay friends and involve yourself in other LGBT activities and the relationship will happen but hopefully at a point when it is just part of a fuller life, best of luck anyway!

BrazIrish

stephen_n wrote: »

Looking for a relationship is a sure fire way not to find one and leads to a strong possibilty of messing it up when you do. It seems from what your saying that your hoping this relationship will fix your lonlieness and maybe help you accept yourself fully too I'm guessing that part! Anyway that is a hell of a lot of pressure to put on yourself, on anyone you meet and on any relationship before it starts. Just stop for a second and think what you need here. A relationship or a group of gay friends that you can talk to and who will empathize with you about all the changes in your life? You may end up finding a relationship and yet still be lonely and isolated. My advise if any would be to build a network of gay friends and involve yourself in other LGBT activities and the relationship will happen but hopefully at a point when it is just part of a fuller life, best of luck anyway!

Yeah, that's right! I've been thinking since my post here. The thing is, when you're on your own you do such stupid things. I mean stupid because I never stopped to think till the moment I came here to ask for help, and it worked
I went in a LGBT meeting this week, I'll go in some other ones and try some sport in a LGBT team. The idea of a relationship still exists of course but that's not I am looking for, I mean it literally, if it happens I know I'll be prepared for it, if not, it's ok as long as I'll have a life apart from that. It's all new for me but talking, listening and reading has been a really great help for me and everyone has been really supportive Thanks a million

Roaming

I am so lonely. My husband never speaks to me, never takes me out. Doesn't want people calling to house. Cancelled milk man and window cleaner. If I speak to post man he butts in and I have to walk away. He wonders why i visit my best friend so often (once every 3 or 4 weeks!) . I have just realised it is a full week since I spoke to a human being face to face. He insists I only go shopping ever two weeks or once a month. If anything is needed between times I have to tell him and he gets it. One would be better off in prison at least you would get to see people. I rely on pc and my world. Next the phone line will be cut off!

Annasopra

Roaming wrote: »

I am so lonely. My husband never speaks to me, never takes me out. Doesn't want people calling to house. Cancelled milk man and window cleaner. If I speak to post man he butts in and I have to walk away. He wonders why i visit my best friend so often (once every 3 or 4 weeks!) . I have just realised it is a full week since I spoke to a human being face to face. He insists I only go shopping ever two weeks or once a month. If anything is needed between times I have to tell him and he gets it. One would be better off in prison at least you would get to see people. I rely on pc and my world. Next the phone line will be cut off!

Maybe you should start a thread in the Personal Issues Forum

http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/forumdisplay.php?f=127

i_steal_sheep

Paddy C wrote: »

As a fellow 27 year old I can empathise, I feel the same quite a lot. I too was wondering if bars were the best places to meet guys, seeing as the majority are probably there for some fun or even if they aren't, with alcohol in their system they'll go for it anyway. I'm not like hat, the whole one night thing doesn't apply to me and never has. The thought of it actually repulses me. I'd like to do the whole proper dating thing, meet up a few times, go for a meal, drinks, walks, chat and get to know one another and really form a connection. Anyone can have a quick fumble and feel good for 20 minutes, but I'd rather have a lifetime than a quickie. It does depress me sometimes when I sit and think that I have done so little at 27 when I know 16 year olds who have done a hell of a lot more, but I'm a quality over quantity person too, so I'd rather not do much and do it with the right guy than just go out and whore myself around with anyone that'll have me. So, chin up, there are worse places and positions you could be in, just keep trying and eventually you will find your man. Sounds like such a bullshít cliché but it is true. As Aurongroove said, if it was that easy, surely everyone would be in one and no-one would be single. You feel the same as a lot of us out there do, and the only thing we can do is to keep trying. Have you tried internet dating to chat to and get to know guys first before meeting them? You may have some success there if you'd rather have the dating and getting to know someone instead of the jumping into bed with them.

Once again, Paddy C talks a lot of sense.

I came to the scene around the same age as you lads are now - 27 or so and was caught up in pretty much the same emotions as you describe. In the end I figured that perhaps the 'online' route was probably an option that initially appealed to me as I'm a bit shy with people I don't know too well. Despite all of the negative feedback that Gaydar gets, I met a lad on it and as we chatted over the course of a few days and, I guess weeks, we eventually met up and have been together since. I think I had the good fortune to meet someone who was on that site for the same reasons as I was. I could not be happier now. So don't discount it - the online avenue is always an option.