Very Concerned about my children

LegacyUser

I've not posted on boards before but I'm looking for opinions on the following:It's long so for those of you who can bear with me, thank you.

I'm a single dad of 2 kids with shared custody of both. I had my kids for woman who previously had 4 kids from another relationship. We spent 7 years together before the relationship had run its course and finished in March of 2010. As with any split up it was not easy but we agreed to work together to do our very best to support our kids ( all 6 ) and make sure they were the priority.

I myself remained single up until 2 months ago when I met someone. We have been getting on really well but we both discussed my situation and I was very adamant that I was not willing to let my kids or any1 else know anything about us until I was sure it was a relationship that would work and not just a flash in the pan. As the girl I met also has a daughter she was extremely pleased to hear this and in 100% agreement and we agreed a rough time frame of a year which we will spend time getting to know eachother without any outside interference and without taking a risk hurting any of the kids. While this can be frustrating keeping our relationship a secret from every1 we think it is a small sacrifice to spare others feelings.

This Friday gone the 2nd of March 2012 i dropped my son to his mothers. There was a car in the drive and he said to me he didn't want to stay there cause it was his mams new boyfriend. I dropped my son in and told him not to worry i would speak to his mum and we would all have a chat the following day. I didn't say anything to his mum as my blood was literally boiling that she had not said anything to me about seeing any1 let alone introducing him to our kids. I left it as i didn't want any form of animosity or scene in front of my son. The next day i decided to question her on it. She seemed to think it was an on thing to do. I tried to point out that i felt she was rushing this onto the kids as she told me she had been seeing him for only a couple of months. She seemed to think it was none of my buisness and there was nothing wrong with this however it seemed very strange to me that she did not have the decency to inform me so that we could talk to our kids together.

I proceeded to pick my son up and take him to his football. On the way he told me that he slept in his friends house, strange to me as the day before he had been in school until 3, then went to a party at 3:15 and didn't get returned to me until 7:30 when i walked him home. I asked which friend he had stayed with and he told me. The friend he had stayed with was a family that had there kids taken off them by child care services 2 years previous and did not get them back for over a year. The man of this house hold had also been linked with Peado rings that was at the knowledge of every1 in the area we live in and my x parteners. I could not believe that she had let this happen.

It then transpired that she had only met her new boyfriend 2 weeks previous to this over Facebook, while he was an old childhood friend she had not seen or spoke with him for 25 years until 2 weeks before introducing him to the kids as her boyfriend and had not met him in person for over 25 years until 1 week before introducing him to the kids as her boyfriend and having him stay in the house. I personally find this very inapproriate and am gobsmacked and when i speak to my x about this she tries to justify it all as normal.

In essence this is my issue brime down and would appreciate normal, grounded peoples opinion on this. I would also like you to bare in mind the woman in question is 45 years old, not a teenager.

1. She speeks over facebook with an old childhood friend she had not seen or spoke to in over 25 years on 28th Feb.

2. She goes out of town to meet him on 2nd of March for the weekend.

3. She brings him to her house to stay over and introduces to her kids ( 3, 8, 12, 15, 19, 21 ) as her new boyfriend having only been back in touch with him for approx over 2 weeks for the first time in 25 years on 9th March.

4. She does not have the decency to inform me of any of this and leaves it to my 8 year old son to tell me accidently.

5. On the night he stays with her she pawns my son off to stay in a house i have forbid him to go near as the occupiers had there kids taken off them for over a year by child care services for child abuse and the father has been linked with a peado ring in the past which is common knowledge within the community we live and the people are frowned upon by the while town.

6. She initially lies about the period she has known this man so this leads me to believe she knows this is not right.

Rosy Posy

I think there are two separate issues here- the one of your ex's new boyfriend and that of your child being sent to sleep over at a house that you deem unsafe. In the case of the former, I can see how this would upset you, especially when you have taken pains and made sacrifices to ensure that your children are not confused by changing arrangements until you are sure that they are permanent, or at least lasting. However if your ex has a different view on this and you cannot reach a consensus on how to deal with the situation, I believe that you don't have much of a right to dictate how she conducts herself in her own home with her own children. In this regard, I would advise that you try to discuss it with her rationally and make her see how in your view it is detrimental to your children, as well as explaining the stance that you and your partner have taken on this issue and the reasons for it. As far as her lying about the period she has been with the new boyfriend, I don't think that this suggests that she knows its not right, so much as that she knows you would view it as wrong.

The second issue of your child staying over in an unsafe place, for me, would be paramount and I think that you are well within your rights to insist that they are not placed in this danger again. I would suggest that you address this issue separately so that any ambivalence that your ex has around the former does not lead to her defying your wishes on the latter (on which, if things are as you say, she can hardly disagree with you), and place your child in further danger.

Goodne

I just have to say that I believe that Rosy Posy has given you excellent advice.

mezzdon

As Rosy said there are two very different issues here. The boyfriend and the unsafe environment that your son was placed in.

When your son said to you that he did not want to go in because his mum's boyfriend was there. Why is that? Have you asked your son how the new boyfriend acts around him.

Your partner should not have introduced a man so soon but from what your saying I don't think that there is much you can do about that now.

As for staying in a house that is unsuitable, that is a complete no! If you feel so strongly about this you should look into full custody or explain to your ex that you feel the environment that your children are in is not acceptable and you are extremely unhappy with it and if it happens again you will have to inform social services.