stupid mistake with serious consequences :(

stranger101

Hi!
Before I tell my story/drama i just want to say that generally I HATE drama and try to avoid it at all costs, but unfortunately this past week I've ended up walking into it.
So basically I scored this guy about a month ago at a party where we had lots of mutual friends. We texted for a bit but then it fizzled out for a while. We then scored at another party about a month or so later (which was last week). I'm not one for relationships or anything like that but I actually really really liked him so when he asked me back to his place I went with him. We didn't actually have sex but just fooled around a bit. I know it doesn't seem like a big deal but it was to me because I usually would never do that and had never done it before. Unfortunately I didn't hear from him after that night, but I still thought he might be interested because I was going to another party last Wednesday that I knew he would be at so thought maybe he just knew he'd see me at that. At the party he basically told me he had zero interest.
And here's where the drama starts. I ended up getting drunk and scoring a friend's ex boyfriend which she found out about. I only got to know this girl and the ex this year when I started college but I've gotten to know her quite well. She was only going out with him for about two months and they broke up before Christmas but I knew she still liked him and I still did it. Now I feel so terrible and have no idea what to do. She's obviously not talking to me and my other friends are angry with me too. I have no idea how to make it up to her or even if I can. What's worse is that I genuinely do like her ex but I have no intention of bringing it further because I know it will hurt her. Anyone have any advice at all? I would really really appreciate it. I am terrible at this kind of stuff....

Lorna123

I would literally take your friend aside and tell her that you had a few drinks and one thing led to another, that you liked this guy but that now you realize that you would never take it any further because you have too much respect for her. Tell her you are sorry if you caused her any concern over this and that it will never happen again. Just say that you don't know what you were thinking of and just got carried away and that you hope that this will not effect your friendship with her. Best of Luck

Kimia

What's the significance of the earlier guy?

OP, it's obvious that you're looking for some type of validation from scoring these men. It's very common, I used to do it myself. It's a shame spiral though because you're placing your happiness in the hands of someone else and then feeling terrible when they don't like you (what's wrong with you etc).

Try to place value on you and take it very slow with guys. If they like you they will wait to get to know you and then you're giving yourself a chance to get to know them.

stranger101

Kimia wrote: »

What's the significance of the earlier guy?

Thanks for the reply.
I don't know I guess I'm just trying to give myself an excuse for scoring the my friends ex...because I was upset.

hondasam

stranger101 wrote: »

Hi!
.
She was only going out with him for about two months and they broke up before Christmas but I knew she still liked him and I still did it. Now I feel so terrible and have no idea what to do. She's obviously not talking to me and my other friends are angry with me too.

You are single, he was single, what is the problem. He was going out with your friend for two months, they were not getting back together, I really don't see a problem here.

blatantrereg

Yes you did nothing wrong there. Ditch your horrible friends and dont worry about pandering to losers.
No serious consequences tbh. Just some disapproval from sad busybodies. The approval or disapproval of those sorts is entirely worthless.

anon cable

sunflower27 wrote: »

Not being funny, but you seem to be the one creating all the drama. The use of 'serious consequences' is way OTT - I pictured someone coming after you with a rifle!!!

Honestly, stop with the melodramatics. You did nothing wrong. Let the issue go and move on.

I agree. I assume all parties are over 18 here?

John Mason

whats the serious consequence

Missy Moo Moo

hondasam wrote: »

You are single, he was single, what is the problem. He was going out with your friend for two months, they were not getting back together, I really don't see a problem here.

Easier said than done, even though they were only going out a short time, the OP's friend still liked her ex, so understandably was upset. We'd all be the same if it happened to us.

OP, I'd take your friend aside and apologise. Explain how you were drunk and cut up over the rejection of the initial guy and made a bad move.

You mention that you really like the initial guy, then you say you like the friends ex. I think Kimia has hit the nail on the head with the seeking the validation from men. A guy rejects you, you run and score another.

squonk

Your friend needs to man up. Her ex was single and you were single. If he didn't score you then he was going to score somebody else sooner rather than later. I'd tell her , Welcome to the big bad world. If you spend your life worrying about what others think then you'll end up wasting a good amount of it living to please others rather than yourself. Yes, you probably do have an issue with needing to be validated but this is something you need to work through. We all go through stupid phases when we're younger. Besides, what do her friends expect? Do they think he'll come swanning back to his ex with flowers? It's time for them all to get real. If one of the ex's friends was trully being a friend, they'd sit her down and explain all of this to her instead of indulging her like some demented cult. The trick is to take the things life throws at you when you get them because there'll be times you won't get what you want. Looking at it another way, are you precluded from ever scoring/dating any of your friends ex's until they somehow decide that the day has arrived when it's OK? These people need to get real.

Missy Moo Moo

squonk wrote: »

Your friend needs to man up. Her ex was single and you were single. If he didn't score you then he was going to score somebody else sooner rather than later.

Yes, but it might have been a lot easier to swallow if this somebody else wasn't her friend...

squonk wrote: »

I'd tell her , Welcome to the big bad world. If you spend your life worrying about what others think then you'll end up wasting a good amount of it living to please others rather than yourself..

Surely we should be able to rely on our friends to do right by us? Yes, it is a big bad world out there, so you should worry about pleasing your friends, otherwise the big bad world can get lonely.

squonk wrote: »

Yes, you probably do have an issue with needing to be validated but this is something you need to work through. We all go through stupid phases when we're younger.

Thats what would kill me if I was the OP's friend- If she scored my ex just to validate herself because she had been rejected by some other guy. The OP mentions she "genuinely likes" the ex, but she also mentions she "really, really likes" the initial guy, so I'd take that with a pinch of salt.

squonk wrote: »

Besides, what do her friends expect? Do they think he'll come swanning back to his ex with flowers?

Again, I think you're missing the point. Even if the relationship was dead in the water, if you're still cracked on an ex and not over them, its gonna sting to see them with one of your mates.

squonk wrote: »

Looking at it another way, are you precluded from ever scoring/dating any of your friends ex's until they somehow decide that the day has arrived when it's OK? These people need to get real.

Well yeah, I know it would kill me if a friend got with an ex I still really cared about. I thought this was normal behaviour with friends "are you OK with me seeing your ex"?


Squonk, I salute your ability to look at this very logically and rationally, and in a way I envy it. I know myself all sense of pragmatism would go out for the window for me if a good friend scored a recent ex I was still mad about. Anyway, regardless of what you and I think, the OP's friend is upset with her, so its really up to the OP to decide how to proceed with her friends ex.

Neyite

My friends and I have always had the understanding that you stay away from their romantic interests - whether thats a guy that they fancy, or their ex that they may have feelings for. Its not a "right or wrong" issue. Its about how you value your friends and try to avoid hurting their feelings. Men come and go but friends have got your back.

There was one occasion where I was asked out by a friends ex. I really liked him, but we both understood that I would ask my friend first if she was ok with it first. Her friendship was worth more to me than a fling. It turns out that she was genuinely pleased and told me to enjoy it.

If you are happy to score your friends ex and one that she has feelings for, dont be surprised when she doesnt think much of your supposed loyalty to her anymore.

sbsquarepants

stranger101 wrote: »

Hi!
And here's where the drama starts. I ended up getting drunk and scoring a friend's ex boyfriend which she found out about.

I've highlighted the important word here.
You and your friend need to grow up. There is no drama, move on.

Missy Moo Moo

Neyite wrote: »

My friends and I have always had the understanding that you stay away from their romantic interests - whether thats a guy that they fancy, or their ex that they may have feelings for. Its not a "right or wrong" issue. Its about how you value your friends and try to avoid hurting their feelings. Men come and go but friends have got your back.

There was one occasion where I was asked out by a friends ex. I really liked him, but we both understood that I would ask my friend first if she was ok with it first. Her friendship was worth more to me than a fling. It turns out that she was genuinely pleased and told me to enjoy it.

If you are happy to score your friends ex and one that she has feelings for, dont be surprised when she doesnt think much of your supposed loyalty to her anymore.

Neyite has summed it up perfectly here. Guys come and go, but friends are important which is why I can't understand some peoples attitudes of doing what you want regardless of other peoples feelings.

hondasam

Neyite wrote: »

My friends and I have always had the understanding that you stay away from their romantic interests - whether thats a guy that they fancy, or their ex that they may have feelings for. Its not a "right or wrong" issue. Its about how you value your friends and try to avoid hurting their feelings. Men come and go but friends have got your back.

You can't help who you fall in love with, sometimes people get hurt in the process but this is life. The op's friend was going out with the lad for two months hardly a long relationship.
If you mix in the same circle then it's going to happen, you just have to be adult about it.

squonk

Missy Moo Moo wrote: »

Neyite has summed it up perfectly here. Guys come and go, but friends are important which is why I can't understand some peoples attitudes of doing what you want regardless of other peoples feelings.

They were only going out two months!! Besides, she's going to learn that friends come and go too. I've been friends with people for a while but then drifted away from them. A good few have remained but it wasn't all smooth sailing and looking out for each other first either. Who of us hasn't pissed off our friends at various stages? I've had various bust ups with my good friends over the years and in the end apologies were made and, because we were friends, we knew each of us was being sincere. We're still the best of friends and the stupid fights are long forgotten, but I wouldn't ever say that something stupid leading to an argument might occur again. The point is that you have to recognise that each of your best friends is their own person. Each has to do what is right for them at any particular time. That isn't always going to align with what you want. The trick is deciding whether your life is better with them in it than without and making the effort to keep the friendship going. That sometimes involves you shutting your mouth and retreating for a bit until you figure out your own head. At the end of it all, we're here to be happy and those who are our true friends want nothing more than to see us happy and will accept our choices based on that. Anyone who wants anything else is best avoided.

Missy Moo Moo

hondasam wrote: »

Neyite wrote: »

My friends and I have always had the understanding that you stay away from their romantic interests - whether thats a guy that they fancy, or their ex that they may have feelings for. Its not a "right or wrong" issue. Its about how you value your friends and try to avoid hurting their feelings. Men come and go but friends have got your back.

You can't help who you fall in love with, sometimes people get hurt in the process but this is life. The op's friend was going out with the lad for two months hardly a long relationship.
If you mix in the same circle then it's going to happen, you just have to be adult about it.

Who said anything about falling in love? They drunkenly scored. And it doesn't matter that it was only 2 months, a length of a relationship doesn't matter if you're still hung up on someone- I was in a 2 month relationship before and was more upset when that ended than when a 3 year relationship ended.

Yes, If you mix in the same circles, it's likely to happen. But I still firmly believe it shouldn't happen when your friend is still mad about someone.

Chinafoot

hondasam wrote: »

You can't help who you fall in love with, sometimes people get hurt in the process but this is life.

Bit of a stretch between "falling in love" and drunkenly scoring some bloke because you're upset at being rejected by someone else.

hondasam wrote: »

The op's friend was going out with the lad for two months hardly a long relationship. If you mix in the same circle then it's going to happen, you just have to be adult about it.

In fairness, if the OP genuinely wanted a relationship to happen with this guy then the adult way to approach it would be to speak to her friend. If she didn't want anything other than a drunken score then all she has succeeded in doing is hurting her friend who she knows still has feelings for this bloke. Of course, if you were to look at the situation while completely removing any sort of emotion then sure, he was single and she was single, but her friendship should have been taken into account.

By all means, OP, you are entitled to take the view that you have done nothing wrong, but equally your friend is entitled to feel upset at the lack of respect given the circumstances of this "drunken score".

From the circumstances laid out by the OP it seems obvious that if she hadn't been rejected by the first fella she wouldn't have gone near the second one. The posts about validation sound bang on the money tbh.

hondasam

Missy Moo Moo wrote: »

Who said anything about falling in love? They drunkenly scored. .

Chinafoot wrote: »

Bit of a stretch between "falling in love" and drunkenly scoring some bloke because you're upset at being rejected by someone else.

If they did fall in love would it be ok then ? It's a small world sometimes and people will get of with friends ex partners, it's not that big a deal for some people.

Missy Moo Moo

hondasam wrote: »

Missy Moo Moo wrote: »

Who said anything about falling in love? They drunkenly scored. .

Chinafoot wrote: »

Bit of a stretch between "falling in love" and drunkenly scoring some bloke because you're upset at being rejected by someone else.

If they did fall in love would it be ok then ? It's a small world sometimes and people will get of with friends ex partners, it's not that big a deal for some people.

As Chinafoot has already said, if the OP did genuinely like this guy and wanted a relationship, she should have spoken to her friend first, rather than the approach she took, which was to "score" him and I'm assuming, let it get back to her friend through third parties.

hondasam

Missy Moo Moo wrote: »

As Chinafoot has already said, if the OP did genuinely like this guy and wanted a relationship, she should have spoken to her friend first, rather than the approach she took, which was to "score" him and I'm assuming, let it get back to her friend through third parties.

I don't agree for one reason this girl does not own this lad,she went out with him for a few months, he has every right to go out with whom ever he wants as does the op.
No one is entitled to be told or asked if it's ok to date someone they went out with. Should the lad in question get approval from his ex before he goes out with another woman in case she knows them?

Missy Moo Moo

hondasam wrote: »

Should the lad in question get approval from his ex before he goes out with another woman in case she knows them?

No, of course not, now you're just being facetious.

hondasam wrote: »

I don't agree for one reason this girl does not own this lad,she went out with him for a few months, he has every right to go out with whom ever he wants as does the op.

Well yes, they're both single, so of course they are free to go out with whomever they please. However, its not about right or wrong, its about being a decent friend and actually giving a crap about their feelings.

I'm bowing out of this thread now, we could debate the whys and wherefores of this til the cows come home. OP, best of luck whatever you decide.

Neyite

hondasam wrote: »

You can't help who you fall in love with, sometimes people get hurt in the process but this is life. The op's friend was going out with the lad for two months hardly a long relationship.
If you mix in the same circle then it's going to happen, you just have to be adult about it.

hondasam wrote: »

If they did fall in love would it be ok then ? It's a small world sometimes and people will get of with friends ex partners, it's not that big a deal for some people.

I agree - In my earlier example I did go out with a friends ex - we were madly attracted to each other, but I never even kissed him until I cleared it with her. We went out for 2 years.

If it was just to score him for a one-nighter to soothe my own insecurities with the result a friend is hurt, thats not nice.

Now thats just me. I'd feel the same way if my partner cheated - the relationship would end regardless - I'd rather it was for someone he fought his feelings for, and they went happily into the sunset madly in love, than some randomer who he cant remember the name of the next morning.

In the case of the OP's friend, if you find out that the ex you still have feelings for was with one of your friends, it really f*cking hurts. Yes technically, your friend did nothing wrong, both single adults yada yada, but there is something to be said about being considerate of other peoples feelings.

OP, I think if you want this friendship with your friend to survive, you should apologise to her without trying to excuse the behaviour. Tell her honestly that you regret it, you were wrong to do it and you are sorry your actions hurt her. She may take a while to trust you again, or she might just tell you to sod off. You wont know until you talk to her.

snafuk35

Before I tell my story/drama i just want to say that generally I HATE drama and try to avoid it at all costs, but unfortunately this past week I've ended up walking into it.

You can't avoid drama in life.

So basically I scored this guy about a month ago at a party where we had lots of mutual friends. We texted for a bit but then it fizzled out for a while. We then scored at another party about a month or so later (which was last week). I'm not one for relationships or anything like that but I actually really really liked him so when he asked me back to his place I went with him. We didn't actually have sex but just fooled around a bit. I know it doesn't seem like a big deal but it was to me because I usually would never do that and had never done it before. Unfortunately I didn't hear from him after that night, but I still thought he might be interested because I was going to another party last Wednesday that I knew he would be at so thought maybe he just knew he'd see me at that. At the party he basically told me he had zero interest.

Forget him. He's an idiot. He wanted sex and he's in a sulk that he didn't get any. You are well shot of him.

I ended up getting drunk and scoring a friend's ex boyfriend which she found out about.

She doesn't own him and he is her ex. You shouldn't use drink as crutch either.

I only got to know this girl and the ex this year when I started college but I've gotten to know her quite well.

You've only known her since September. You have a long life ahead of you and you will make lots of other friends.

She was only going out with him for about two months and they broke up before Christmas but I knew she still liked him and I still did it

2 months is nothing. She should get over herself.

Now I feel so terrible and have no idea what to do.

Don't be. You obviously like her ex and they are not an item any more. It's none of her business.

She's obviously not talking to me and my other friends are angry with me too.

She should grow up and your other friends too. It's not their business either. Have they nothing better to do with themselves?

I have no idea how to make it up to her or even if I can.

Should you be bothered?

What's worse is that I genuinely do like her ex but I have no intention of bringing it further because I know it will hurt her.

So she wins? You like him and he's obviously interested in you so why should you care what anyone else thinks?

Anyone have any advice at all? I would really really appreciate it. I am terrible at this kind of stuff....

You did nothing wrong. You are young and you like men. Have fun and have no regrets.

Herrick

snafuk35 wrote: »

2 months is nothing. She should get over herself

To be fair, a lot of people would be upset if one of their friends got with someone they had been seeing and still liked. It might have only been two months, but some people can fall hard for a person in a short space of time.

I can say its definitely an unwritten rule amongst my friends and I that we wouldn't get with a girl that one of the others was still hung up on. It would be seen as bad form.

OP did he end things with your friend?

Wompa1

It's bad karma to get a friends ex when they are hung up on them. You obviously feel guilty about it so you knew it was wrong when you did it, in which case maybe you need to watch your drinking. You are blaming that on a lot of your behavior. If it is the cause of it then you should ease up.