New relationship too serious

loubian

Hi all,

I have been reading a few threads on here, and one of them was about a three month relationship that seemed to be a bit serious, or that the woman was a bit clingy and needy, and I have to say I am like that. I suffer from self esteem issues and am going through a bit of a rough time at the moment (counselling) but am dealing with it, and am working to become more confident in myself.

My boyfriend is wonderful, but he isnt the touchy feely person that I am. I have come to accept some of the things about him, but now and again, it does frustrate me a bit. I want to be not so hung up on him at times, and I definitely want to be the type of girlfriend who is happy that SHE and her boyfriend have their own lives, but at the moment, I see everytime I am free as an opportunity to see him, where as obviously he will have made plans wh his friends or family, and I get upset. I am beginning to stop doing this and am very proud of myself, but what I want to know is, can you bring a serious relationship back to "moderately-casual" without the relationship falling apart? It could be my fault that the relationship is a bit too serious for this time as I tend to just jump straight in, and don't let it work out slowly (even though we "saw each other" for two months, which was VERY long to me). I want to do this for myself aswell, to not be so focused on him and more focus on my own enjoyment and happiness! I know the obvious answer is to just get out there, but any other tips to just jump that first hurdle??

Thanks for reading!

Miss Fluff

loubian wrote: »

I see everytime I am free as an opportunity to see him, where as obviously he will have made plans wh his friends or family, and I get upset.

That's very unfair and unreasonable so it's good you've recognised that this could create a huge problem and are addressing it.

I think you need a bit of perspective here. I get the impression that this is a relatively new relationship? I am assuming you had a life before becoming involved with this man? If so then you need to not lose sight of that and engage in those hobbies/see those friends that were a part of your life before this guy came on the scene.

If you have your own life and your own interests (and ffs keep a bit of mystery about you!) then you will be a lot more interesting/have a lot more to talk about. If you want to be glued to his side at every opportunity it will end up stifling him and ultimately break you up.

LegacyUser

You need to ask yourself why the insecurities? What was your life BEFORE your bf came into the picture? Do you have hobbies and activities? Did you stop participating in them when your relationship commenced? I sometimes see this happen with some of my friends. They stopped what they enjoyed doing for the relationship and expected their partners to do the same. This is not a healthy relationship pattern, imo. It sounds co-dependent.

OP, a relationship is supposed to compliment your life not become your life. There needs to be balance and give and take. I find it refreshing that I can be with my husband who respects my space and lets me breathe every now and again. I am not saying that you are overbearing or suffocating your bf, what I am saying it's nice and refreshing to be with someone who lets you be your own person. I think it is very important because it gives time for you and lets you appreciate what you have together. I would resent my partner if he expects me to drop everything for him. I would find him controlling and insecure. I wouldn't do it to him nor would I want him to do that to me also. Everyone in a relationship deserves the right to autonomy and have a night out with friends every once in a while. It makes my relationship stronger because we miss each other when were out. It leaves the feeling that we cannot wait to return home and see each other again.

Your bf not being a touchy feely person is something that may take time. He may be too shy to disclose his feelings as of yet. How long have you been going out with him for? Men in general are not in touch as much with their emotions as women. That doesn't mean that your bf is cold and distant or does not love and care about you. It's how he acts and treats you that makes a difference. I find men are better expressing themselves through actions than words. Of course I am basing this on my personal experiences and the fact I grew up being the only female in a household of 7 men! I have been with my husband for over 18 years and he still is not the most touchy feely person. I will be honest he is more open and upfront now than when we were first together. That is because we have been together for a long while and he feels more comfortable dislosing his feelings to me.

Your bf having his own life outside the relationship with his friends and family does not mean that he is not touchy and feely, imo. It means that he is an independent person. Maybe you can learn from him because I noticed that you capitalised the pronoun she in your post regarding to having their own life. Are you concerned with the fact that you feel that you do not have a life outside the relationship? If this is the case, you need to go out with your friends or take a course once a week doing something you always wanted to try. Or volunteer somewhere that can boost your confidence, self esteem.

loubian

@miss fluff, yes I do agree with you that it is unfair and it can be quite annoying, because i feel guilty afterwards. And it's not just with my boyfriend that I have this problem, its with my friends aswell, and I just am quite tired of not being able to just say " Ok, well i'll see you soon" if they tell me they are busy, I take it personally, and get insulted, hence the reason I decided to go to counselling, to sort out why I feel like that. So I am working on it.

@afdasfdafrta
your answer was very insightful. I am with my boyfriend three months now, which is a terribly short time to be so worked up about things. I did have a life before my boyfriend came into the picture yes, and you could say I’ve put it on hold for him, which is the bad thing yes. I am planning on joining things that are for me – Ive always wanted to learn sign language and german, so I will be looking that up. I am already member of a choir, and I am going to start cycling again because that really made me happy. I understand everything you are saying that your time apart makes you appreciate each other more, and it is true!

Yes, I want to feel like I have my life back, that he is NOT my life, but as you say, a compliment to my life, and I guess the only thing I have to do is actually do it, instead of talking about it without putting my words into action.

Thank you so much for your advice