Always giving, never recieving

LegacyUser

Firstly apologies for the title, don't want to be crude but not sure how to put it!

Ok not a massive issue but starting to get bigger (in my own head) and really starting to bug me. Been seeing a girl for almost a year now and are getting pretty serious for the last few months at least. By serious I mean we've talked about kids, stuff we'll do years down the road etc so don't at this stage see anyone but this girl in my future

However there is something that is slowly starting to get to me and it involves our sex life. All in all we have a really good one, better than any previous relationship in fact apart from one issue. Both have above average drives so are very compatibile there, all good. The thing is in the whole year we've been together not once has she even looked remotely interested in going down on me. I would say I'm a genorous lover and have never had a problem pleasing her that way, not because it gives me any physical sensation but because I know she loves it and that alone is the turn on. In other words I get pleasure from her very evident pleasure.

Now please don't jump the gun and think I expect tit for tat. I don't, I do it without expecting anything in return. The problem is I can't help starting to feel a bit resentful. I don't want to feel like this and I don't want it to come between us but I'm really starting to wonder what's wrong with me? I don't have any personal hygience issues, she's said enough times she thinks I've a great body so I don't think it's that, but at the same time hard not to have doubts. Also hard to get out of my head the feeling that she just doesn't see me recieving pleasure as important, in other words I'm starting (and I wish I could get theat nagging thought out of my head) to think maybe she's a selfish lover and just doesn't care if I enjoy it as long as she does?

The first time I did go down on her she said afterward how much she enjoyed it. What she said next stuck with me when she said she'd wondered when I would. What has gone through my head ever since was does she not think I might be wondering too?

We did talk about it once, very briefly. Not quite sure how it came up as we had just woken so I was a little sleepy. What I do remember was her saying the time just didn't feel right. Considering we had just returned the week before from a holiday where we had been very active, up to 3 or 4 times a day I couldn't help but think if the time wasn't right then would it ever be?

We both own our own houses too so privacy has never been an issue and go away a lot for romantic weekends.

Now I know people will say why don't you just ask her outright? This is my dilemma. I want to, even if just to hear she hates it but I don't know how to approach it without her coming away feeling obligated to do it. At this point as she has never made any effort in that regard I'm guessing she just doesn't want to and is happy enough with just one of us doing that for the other with no explanation ever given (hence the resentment even though I don't want to feel like that).

If we did talk and the end result was she said she would this is also not a happy outcome as far as I'm concerned. I don't want her to go down on me and lie there thinking the only reason she's doing it is I asked. Might be ok for some but would be a massive turn off for me. I love the girl and would never want her to do something she didn't want to and would find absolutely no pleasure if I got the impression that was the case.

So really, just looking for advice on how to broach it gently. If she doesn't want to? well suppose I'll cross that bridge when I come to it and just have to think on how to accept giving but never receiving oral for the rest of my life :-(

Just one last thing. I know it's long but if replying please read the entire post before saying things like "she doesn't have to" or "you can't force her". I've read enough threads over time to see comments like that.

This isn't about quid pro qui. All I want is a bit of advice on how to approach it. The key after all to any relationship is if something is bothering you don't let it build up, in other words communication

thanks for reading

Neyite

I think the first thing you need to find out is her view of that act - it may be that she is inexperienced and therefore nervous, or that she finds it disgusting or whatever. Until you know this, you wont know if it is something that is entirely off the table, or something that she would like to do but maybe too nervous to do.

You need to talk to her I think. Or suggesting when you are in bed something along the lines that you'd love to be touched and kissed there and guage from her response how she feels about it.

I would suggest that you shower and clean thouroughly in that area beforehand, also remember that strong foods and flavours can affect the taste and smell of pre-cum.

LegacyUser

Hi Neyite, OP here. Thanks for the reply.

Don't think experience is the issue, should have said we're both in our 30's and both of us have lived a fairly full life until now. By that I don't mean overly promiscuous but I wouldn't say either of us are wide eyed innocents in any facet of life.

Hygiene is definitely not an issue. I would normally have two showers a day, sometimes together and thankfully have never suffered any hormonal issues resulting in unwanted body odour. On holidays for instance a lot of the time we'd be going directly from hours in the pool to our room, on romantic weekends we'd share a bath beforehand etc.

Yeah aware different foods can effect taste but again don't think that's an issue as she hasn't ever gone anywhere near me except with her hand

But I do like the suggestion for saying what I'd like. I have tried to bring it into conversations in bed asking what she likes, unfortunately she's never asked me in return.
Maybe I need to take the initiative and just tell her what I like. Even reading that though raises the thought that maybe she didn't ask as she's afraid I'll tell her?

Don't want through built up frustration to just seemingly out of the blue blurt something out so yeah I know I do need to talk to her about it sooner rather than later instead of letting it build up in me.

Might try asking what she would like again. If she doesn't ask me just ask would she like to know?

LegacyUser

I know this won't go down well with many posters, but I'm just throwing it out there: It may well be that in her mind, you very much *do* receive as much as you give. What I mean is that many women find it hard or impossible to reach orgasm through penetration alone, a problem most healthy men do not have. Therefore - IF that is the case for your girlfriend - she might be thinking along the lines of you get your orgasm through penetration, she gets hers through oral sex, so it's 50/50. While you may argue that it's not the same (and I'm not saying that it is), she may feel that giving you oral on top of penetration leaves HER in the position of giving more than she receives as it'll give you two very enjoyable ways of having an orgasm while she still only has one.

And that's before you go into how much more difficult it can be to give oral sex to a man. Try sucking on a banana roughly the size of your penis for as long as you'd like to receive and watch your teeth all the time - might give you and idea. (In particular if you're well endowed.)

Then there is things like taste/texture (she may be worried that you want to come in her mouth), hang-ups about hygiene (even her own oral hygiene if you want oral sex to just be foreplay), inexperience, personal dislike etc.

I'm afraid the only way you'll find out is to indeed talk about it. You don't have to put it in a way that suggests you want her to do it, just keep it general. Even just stating that you like the thought of receiving without implying that you sort of expect it may start this discussion which - like it or not - you will have to have if you want this sorted. If you keep it general and out of the bedroom, it hopefully won't be such a big deal and shed some light on what's going through her mind.

Neyite

wrote:

And that's before you go into how much more difficult it can be to give oral sex to a man. Try sucking on a banana roughly the size of your penis for as long as you'd like to receive and watch your teeth all the time - might give you and idea. (In particular if you're well endowed.).

Well, when you put it that way, it sounds so pleasant eh?

It does not have to be akin to jamming a banana in your mouth for 30 mins. it can be kissing, licking, using your breath to tickle, paying attention to the sensitive areas around it, including the other 2 appendages around there that a man considers quite precious to them . it can also be as short or as long as the giver wishes. I'd imagine most men would appreciate a fleeting 5 mins of attention in that area than none at all.

LegacyUser

Hi 50/50, interesting thought but I'm afraid that's not the case.

Only difference when I go down on her is the intensity of the orgasm. Don't want to go into specifics but you could say there are a variety of ways, not just one where she orgasms.

Just a note on the part of that other point you make.

Not trying to be pedantic but have thought in the past this is part of the problem with men receiving. The best oral sex I have ever received in no way involved the poor girl trying to swallow a banana. As most of the nerve endings are on the head and not the shaft this is not necessary at all. Only one girl I've gone out with knew that (not just in an academic sense) without me having to say it and the difference for both of us was amazing.

Maybe completely unrealistic p0rno's are to blame??

Anyway totally off topic.

Going to have to talk. Just don't want even if in my head it is becoming a big deal for it to come across that way.

Ickle Magoo

Hey OP,

I'd just ask straight out how she feels about giving oral sex, is there an issue? There's really no point getting slowly resentful or guessing what seems to be the problem - after a year timing certainly shouldn't be a factor.

I'd just recommend you have a chat somewhere private yet away from the bedroom, given you have been intimately acquainted with each others bodies for a year now, asking her about one particular aspect of sex shouldn't be an issue and should in no way mean you are leaning on her to perform - and I think you really need to know how she honestly feels about oral in-case you need to make the decision if you are happy to forgo that aspect of your sex life.

All the best. :cool:

ihsb

I would say you just have to come out and say it. Some girls just don't like it. Some girls cannot do it... gag reflexes and the like. So the only thing to do is ask. It is not something that is worth building up resentment over with someone that you want to spend the rest of your life with.

Miss Fluff

guest3245 wrote: »

Ok not a massive issue but starting to get bigger (in my own head) and really starting to bug me.

You actually need to say it to her. If you've been sharing bodily fluids for over a year and you're both in your 30s then you really need to have a convo as to whether giving oral sex is an issue for her.

I think in the heat of the moment and you ask her to go down on you she can fob you off with a "the time isn't right" or what have you and you will still be no closer to finding out if blow jobs are a definite no-no for her and you'll never be getting one ever or whether there is some other reason. You need to have that conversation outside of the bedroom though. If it's causing resentment (which you said it is) then that needs to be nipped in the bud.

Hope it works out the way you want

beks101

Some women don't like giving head, it sounds like your girlfriend is one of them.

Personally I don't get it, there's nothing as erotic to me as watching your partner in the throes of pleasure like that, and I think if a guy I was with didn't like going down on me it'd be deal-breaker territory.

You have to

1. Have an open, honest conversation with your girlfriend about this outside the bedroom. This is a non-negotiable. You are both adults, you are with each other intimately and frequently for a year now, you just have to suck it up (:eek::eek::)) and do it.

2. Decide, pending her response, how important oral is to you. Obviously it's important enough for you to have started a thread on it. But if she says it's not her bag and she's unwilling to compromise, can you live without blowjobs indefinitely? Is this a deal-breaker for you?

Again, just my personal stance, but if I was in the same situation and there wasn't even room for compromise on this, I'd be doing some serious thinking about what sort of future we'd have. That resentment might grow and ultimately kill the relationship.

LovelyLottie

I totally agree with beks101.

I can't believe you've lasted nearly a year before writing this post!

Only by talking to her will you know what the issue is. If she's never even tried going down on you, it's highly unlikely that it's you. It's most likely that she just doesn't enjoy giving head, or thinks she doesn't like it. Perhaps she's just not as confident as she appears... Maybe she left it so long in the beginning that she's now nervous to... Talk to her and see what she says.

Good luck with the chat

The Lovely Muffin

OP you need to speak to your girlfriend about this.

You are together for a year so there should be no problem in speaking to her about this. She's your girlfriend you need to be able to talk to her about problems, it's clearly important to you and if you don't speak to her now/soon, it will continue building up in your head and could eventually have a negative impact on your relationship, at least by speaking to her and addressing the problem you have a chance of trying to sort it out.

Good luck OP, I hope it works out for you.

Mickey Dazzler

You should not feel guilty for wanting to get some head. If you are giving her head then she should give you head or at least explain why she won't.

Sounds very selfish to me. You should stoping going down on her and when she asks why you have stopped ask her why she never started.

Seraphina

If, after a year, she hasn't even tried or mentioned the act, I would just write it off.
If you don't want to ask her to do something you don't feel she wants, it's never gonna happen.
The status quo after a year is no head for you and I'll bet she's pretty happy with things that way.
She doesn't sound like she's suddenly going to decide she really wants to do it after this long, if she wanted to, she would have already.

I think it's time to decide whether you're gonna ask her to make a compromise for you (which I don't personally see a problem with) or just live without.

Leelaveela

If she hasn't initiated it once, it may simply be because she's not that keen on it/doesn't really know how to do it well, but a lot of it could simply be because you've never broached the subject.
You both sound sensible and open with one another, I don't think it would be unreasonable for you to just ask her (perhaps not in the bedroom but when you're alone obviously and maybe just spending the evening together) whether she dislikes it, mention the fact that it would really turn you on for her to do it (I think you need to come at it from that angle..."I'd find it really sexy if you..." rather than "Will you...").
Different option...when you're going down on her, cheekily ask if she wants to try a 69? Good luck!