Father was an alcoholic who abused my mom when I was an infant. I want to contact him

LegacyUser

When I was a baby, he would come home drunk and do all kinds of horrible sh*t to my mom. He even threatened to abuse me as a baby too when he was drunk. I have grown up without a dad, only father 'figures' but none I could ever get close to and talk to.

It's 20 years later and he's moved on. He's reformed, with a new family in a different country. They're a happy family, he doesn't drink anymore either. My half brother and sister look happy too. He's a pretty successful entertainer now too.

Is it wrong to maybe want to talk to him or contact him? We've had contact before but that was before I was told of the abuse he put my mother through, but after that I stopped talking to him.

He's met my mother and brother in the last few years and things are fine. My brother got on fine with him when they met. I'm so lost, what do you guys think I should do? :S

Beruthiel

What do YOU want to do OP?
Because, at the end of the day, that's what you should do.

Ickle Magoo

I think it's got to come down to whether you want to form a relationship with him, independent of your mother and the past.

When relationships break down there is often much anger, resentment and hurt and those can very easily and unfairly be passed onto kids. I'm not sure of the circumstances it all happened but it sounds a bit off to me that your mother only told you about your father and his behaviour with her when you got in contact with him.

I don't think it is wrong that you want to be in touch...you have only one side of the story regarding what happened between your parents and I think it's wrong that any kind of emotional blackmail or bad-mouthing is going on 20 years later and puting you in the position of feeling like a traitor for wanting to get to know your own father.

I think there is your mothers relationship with him...and then your relationship with him - and you should try to look at them as separate entities, rather than you using yourself or being used to punish him for the [lack of] relationship he had with your mother...

All the very best.

kjl

It's a tough one, but I would say go for it. If he is a different person to the man he once was then maybe it's time to give him a second chance.

Give it a shot, maybe it's too late to form a proper relationship, but you will always wonder if you don't try.

cynder

I can relate to that only my dad stayed in the house. My dad was an alcoholic and was violent. It wasn't until I left home that he started to improve. He mellowed out in his 40s and I was an adult with 3 kids of my own. He apologised for his past behavior many times. He saw me get married and saw my 3 kids, however he died 2 weeks shy of my 1st wedding anniversary. I'm glad he left the world when ee were all on good terms.


My advice to you is meet your dad with an open mind, do not have expectations. What will be will be.

niceoneted

I have a friend who was in pretty much the same situation as you. She was the only girl with 5 brothers.Her father too went on to become sober.
Some of her brothers made contact with him and had a fairly good relationship with him.
She did not. He has passed now and she is the only child who did not meet with him before he died. I feel as a friend of hers that she missed out. She was too busy trying to be loyal to her mother when what happened between her parents happened between her parents - could go on with this but won't.
I feel she has always held a huge amount of anger and resentment inside and there is nothing she can do about this.
I would suggest meeting him, giving him a chance and hear him out. After that you can decide whether you wish to pursue a relationship with him.