Wake Up and Smell the Roses

LegacyUser

I've been with my partner for 9 years. We're both 27.

We're currently both employed professionals and living in a rented house together. I guess the problems started two years ago when I lost my job. I received a redundancy payment at that time and decided to use it to further my education. The course I took on was full time. For the duration of the course I continued to pay half the household bills, food costs etc but paid a slightly (and I mean slightly) reduced rent, with my partner paying slightly more than half.

I totally immersed myself in the course, putting in long hours in the library as I wanted to make myself as attractive to employers as possible. This meant that I spent little time in the evenings with my partner. At the same time, while we both enjoyed heading out at the weekends he started to go out more often. I was on a fairly tight budget and he didn't offer to cover me and seemed to really resent paying more than half the rent so I didn't join him all that often. I guess we started to drift apart without me even noticing.

When I finished the course I was lucky enough to gain employment immediately and am now earning a good salary again however I am only on a temporary contract. I also recently received a generous inheritance. I told him I was investing it and hoped we would use it to buy a property together when the time was right.

Because he gets so upset if he feels I am not paying exactly half of our living costs we recently set up a joint account. We both contribute the same amount of money to this monthly which covers rent, bills, food, everything down to cinema trips. It was agreed that we would both save a portion from what was left, towards buying a home. Since then he has refused to set up a direct debit for this and as far as I know (I don't nag him about it) has not saved anything. I asked him what was to happen if I was short term unemployed when this contract finished, would he mind covering more than his share for a month or two and I would pay what I could. He said he would not cover more than half.

He has seemed very down lately and tells me he sometimes feels like he is going crazy. He has a good job and good friends so I asked was it our relationship that made him so unhappy. He said no, he wanted to have a future with me. I asked him why, if he wanted a future with me, was he so reluctant to ever help me out financially. He said he didn't know if he was suited to being in a relationship (after 9 years!), he found it hard to be responsible for anyone elses well being bar his own. This annoyed me because I have always been independent. I told him if he wanted to split up I would respect his wishes, he again said he wanted to be with me, he saw a future for us.

I don't know what I'm asking here. I adore him, I want to spend my life with him but am I ignoring major red flags? Does it sound like it's over for him but he's afraid to leave?

Thanks for reading!

I am a friend

First of all congrats on the job!!

delila789 wrote: »

He said he would not cover more than half.

Meanness in someone is a real turn off for me... Its not like you are lolling around home watching Jeremy Kyle every day. Does he expect you to use the savings you had earmarked for both of you to fund day to day expenses. If so, what is he going to contribute to the house fund? Nothing by the sounds of it...

delila789 wrote: »

He said he didn't know if he was suited to being in a relationship (after 9 years!), he found it hard to be responsible for anyone elses well being bar his own.

This is worrying OP and I am sorry to be so blunt... You are independent and he is not responsible for your well being. What does he mean by this? Is it to do with providing for a wife or even kids?

The big issue here is him saying he doesnt know if he is suited to be in a relationship... From my experience, this normally means he doesnt think he is... Once again he needs to be clear on this...

Its all fine and well him saying he sees a future but then he says the exact opposite here.

delila789 wrote: »

he saw a future for us.

Does the future he wants and the timelines he wants it in match yours?

delila789 wrote: »

am I ignoring major red flags?

Sorry to say but yes... Very major red flags are outlined above.. I would worry that he doesnt see a long term future for ye and this is why he wont pay out (hypothetically) more money should you need him to... It also explains his comment about being suited for a relationship.

delila789 wrote: »

Does it sound like it's over for him but he's afraid to leave?

I know we cant read his mind, but on the basis of what you have said here, it does look likely that he is veering towards out... I dont want to upset you more but if you take a step back and read what he has said to you then it does look that way. You need to talk to him again and get some clarity... Would hate to see you with him for another 9 years and the same situation happening...

Talk but tread carefully... As is often pointed out here - listen to what he is telling you...

Daisy M

I dont know if he feels your relationship is over or not, but it should be extremely worring to both of you that hes says sometimes he feels like he is going crazy he needs to figure out why.
If you choose to spend your life with this man then you are doing so with your eyes wide open. He has told you he will not help you when times are tough and he doesnt want to be responsible for someone other than himself he isnt hiding that. What happens if you get sick or you have children he hasnt changed in 9 years so I doubt he will change then, is this the type of life you want?

squonk

He doesn't sounds like a happy or nice guy OP. The fact that you are both in an LTR and you paid your way when you were unemployed is a huge thing. God, nobody would quibble with somebody not paying the full whack when they were unemployed. You paid most of it. Really, that's very good!

I read it all as somebody who's out for himself and isn't really ready to face up to the fact that things are winding down. Really, because he's a Mé Féiner, it's grand having you around for support, sex, general companionship and he's used to it but doesn't want to face up to the fact that he'll be back being alone if you go. In that case, it's easier to peddle a vague 'future for us' view until he's had some time to come to terms with the realisation. In that case he'll be off. In the meantime, he's putting nothing more into the relationship than he absolutely has to, which is the case with the money and you might find that there are other aspects to this too.

You're only 27 OP. You're a get up and go sort who knows what you want. Don't let this guy waste your time by doddering around really. He's not planning for your future and maybe he's even thinking that you have cash and will be the brains of the operation and provide when times are tight? Who knows. I wouldn't waste my time any longer OP. You're not getting what you need and there's plenty of time for you to get out and meet someone who's really into you. If this guy doesn't know after 9 years, it's not looking good.

ihsb

This man sounds so mean. Counting penny's when he is not hard up on cash and you are is just horrid. Especially when he was going out and wouldn't offer to cover your costs.

To me counting money spent on cinema trips is too much. He cannot care much about you if he put on money stress on you while you were furthering your education.

Listen to what he is saying. He is not ready for a relationship. You have to speak to him again. Sounds like there is something going on that he has not spoken to you about.

Congrats on the job!

LegacyUser

Thanks for the replies so far. They've been helpful.

Yes, he does expect me to use the inheritance I received to cover costs should unemployment strike again. He thinks I'm tight expecting him to cover living expenses when I have a large lump sum available to me. I think it would be crazy to start dipping into it when his salary should be more than enough to support both of us month to month, especially only short term. I asked him to think of it as him contributing towards a house deposit, albeit in a roundabout way. But no, he feels I'm ungrateful and am taking advantage of him.

When I was doing that course people would say to me well at least you don't need to worry about money when you have someone to support you. That used to sting a little and I'd often ask him why, if he didn't want to support me financially would he not at least have the urge to treat me now and again, especially when he knew how much of a workload I had on. His reply was he'd be more eager to treat me to a trip to the cinema or a nice gift if I was more grateful?!

To be fair to him, there were a few occasions when he did pay my way but to say they were rare would be an understatement. I feel like a bit of a fool. We went to his cousins wedding in Italy in July. I paid half the cost. I was still a student at that point. He wasn't very pleasant to me when we were over there but that's a different story.

Like any couple bits and pieces like milk and bread will have to be picked up during the week. He'll often get angry if he feels that he's doing these mini shops more often than me.

I think he also has a drink problem. He rarely goes out without throwing up when he comes home. He's thrown up in the bedroom in the past, in a taxi more recently and all over the back doorstep. This didn't bother me when we were younger as us and all our friends partied hard but now when everyone , including myself are getting a little more sensible, he seems to be getting worse.

It's my birthday next week. A couple of weeks back I coerced him into booking a weekend away for the two of us this weekend. Long story short, I eventually git him to half agree and booked it myself. I thought that maybe some time together would allow us to talk some things through and maybe get us some way back on track. For the last four days, since his friends organised a house party he's been saying "pity it's your birthday. If it wasn't we could postpone this", "it's a real shame the party is the weekend we have to go away". The first time he said that I told him it was quite hurtful but it hasn't stopped him mentioning it over and over. I think it's fairly obvious from that alone he would rather do anything than spend two days with me. I also have a hunch that he's trying to get me to react so we can have a big row and he can wangle out of it that way.

The more I write here, the more obvious the solution is.....

Sorry about the length of these essays.

Beruthiel

delila789 wrote: »

For the last four days, since his friends organised a house party he's been saying "pity it's your birthday. If it wasn't we could postpone this", "it's a real shame the party is the weekend we have to go away".

He would prefer to go to a house party than go away with you on a break for a few days.
And he's constantly reminded you of that fact.

Something's not right.

ihsb

He pukes every time he goes out? In your bedroom and in taxis? He is 27? I personally would get out!

The Lovely Muffin

Is there any particular reason he'd prefer to go to a house party than away with you OP? As for puking all over the place (taxi's, doorstep etc), well at 27 he should know better, I mean, once in a blue moon is no harm, but constantly? It's not mature and sure as hell is no good for his health, liver etc.

My boyfriend is 25 and only once in the time we have been together has he ever been sick after a night out, but if he was constantly throwing up after nights out, we'd be having a serious chat and if he didn't change his ways, I wouldn't be his girlfriend.

I have to say, if my boyfriend even considered treating me the way your boyfriend is treating you I'd dump him.

I am with my boyfriend eight months and any time during those eight months if I was ever tight for cash or anything he always offered to pay my way or help me out etc.

Of course if the situation was reversed and he was stuck for cash etc, I'd do my best to help him out as best I could.

There have been times where I have been stuck for cash and my boyfriend has paid my way, but I've always made sure to return that favour, not because I feel I have to, but because I want to.

I honestly do not know how your boyfriend can behave like that towards you.

When you say "he wasn't very pleasant" towards you while you were in Italy, what exactly do you mean? Was he violent, abusive etc?

username123

I cannot abide meanness in a person. Was he always like this?

Heres the big question for your future - if you got married to him and decided to have children, is he going to expect you to pay your way while on maternity leave and only getting maternity benefit from the government?

What if you were ill for 6 months and couldnt work? Will he support you then?

Sorry, but 9 years together and late 20s, this isnt some teenage relationship where you each contribute exactly 54p each towards the popcorn for the cinema!!

As far as the state are concerned you are a couple, you do realise that if you tried to claim dole you will be means tested on his income as you are a couple and your incomes are seen as 'joint'? If he wants independent finances then he shouldnt live with a person.

Massive red flags - run!

Neyite

Are you not tired of this obsession with money he has? Does it not just make your heart sink when you want to text him on the way home to pick up milk, and knowing it will put him in a mood and have a horrible atmosphere in the house for the evening?

His attitude towards money is something I can see will wear you down over time. I know a woman who's husband inputted the itemised grocery list into an excel sheet. She earns good money, but the times when "they" agreed she would be a stay at home mother for a few years nearly drove her to a breakdown because he critiqued and questioned everything she spent on herself, the household or the children, while he was happy to buy designer gear for himself.

Does he expect you to support him if he lost his job or got sick? What if you got seriously sick, or down the line you had a sick child and had to become a full time carer to him/her? The clue is the word "partners". We are supposed to be in this together, and support each other - thats the whole point of the wedding vows (richer & poorer, sickness & health, better or worse etc)

Its a controlling issue I would not be comfortable with. And by saying that he would treat you more "if you were more grateful" is BS. Thats manipulating his meanness back on to you. Many abusive relationships start off with being controlling with money - not saying that yours is, but certainly his attitude is OTT.

His drinking is also a massive issue - to get sick nearly every time he drinks is a drink problem. Its certainly not normal behaviour.

I'd walk away to be honest.

Daisy M

Honestly it doesnt sound as if he treats you right at all, what is it you see in him, surely he must have a good side that you love, or is been with him just a habit that is hard to break?

I cant understand how anyone would not want to do nice things for the people they love. If I or my husband get a little unexpected money our first instinct is to spend it on eachother and the children not ourselves. When I returned to work last year and we had a little extra money I liked been able to spend a little extra sometimes on everybody including extended family and a couple of close friends. Loved ones have been so good to me its nice to be able to do the same fro them.

It sounds as though he resents you and doing anything for you, its as if he wants a relationship on his terms with no give from him. As for the drinking that would be the biggest red flag there is, if he gets sick every time he goes out he has a drink problem.

Ickle Magoo

delila789 wrote: »

His reply was he'd be more eager to treat me to a trip to the cinema or a nice gift if I was more grateful?!

delila789 wrote: »

He'll often get angry if he feels that he's doing these mini shops more often than me.

delila789 wrote: »

I think he also has a drink problem. He rarely goes out without throwing up when he comes home. He's thrown up in the bedroom in the past, in a taxi more recently and all over the back doorstep. This didn't bother me when we were younger as us and all our friends partied hard but now when everyone , including myself are getting a little more sensible, he seems to be getting worse.

delila789 wrote: »

For the last four days, since his friends organised a house party he's been saying "pity it's your birthday. If it wasn't we could postpone this", "it's a real shame the party is the weekend we have to go away".

I've just highlighted the red flags that are jumping out at me - he sounds both miserly and miserable in himself...my advice to you is the same as anyone else questioning if a relationship is worth it - your partner is supposed to enrich your life, bringing support and creating a team...from what you've written it sounds like he's failing utterly in bringing positives to your life in lieu of hurt and heartache.

I know you said you adore him but I think you have to seriously question if this is the quality of relationship you really want in life, because it sounds a lonely place to be, to me.

Sorry OP.

LegacyUser

username123 wrote: »

I cannot abide meanness in a person. Was he always like this?

I don't really know. I guess he was but it only really began to become obvious to me when I lost my income.

username123 wrote: »

Sorry, but 9 years together and late 20s, this isnt some teenage relationship where you each contribute exactly 54p each towards the popcorn for the cinema!!

Yes it does come down to that a lot of the time. He will get worked up about what I feel, are the most ridiculous things to be totting up the cost of. Most recently we were out for a quiet drink with my parents for my mothers birthday. He bought two rounds and my Dad bought two, he's wants cash from me for one of the rounds he bought. I haven't made a big deal of this episode but in my head I'm thinking about the cost of going to his cousins wedding and the many drinks I bought his family when his Dad turned 60 recently.

His argument always seems to go back to me having that lump sum. But if he wanted the same things as I did I can see that he would want to leave that untouched, like I do.

username123 wrote: »

As far as the state are concerned you are a couple, you do realise that if you tried to claim dole you will be means tested on his income as you are a couple and your incomes are seen as 'joint'? If he wants independent finances then he shouldnt live with a person.

Yes, I know that. When I was unemployed I was entitled to dole as I qualified under my PRSI contributions, however I wasn't entitled to anything like rent allowance based on his income. He wanted me to lie on the forms and say we were just house sharing.....

username123

delila789 wrote: »

I don't really know. I guess he was but it only really began to become obvious to me when I lost my income.

Tbh - you are lucky to be finding this all out now, in your 20s, before you are married!!

delila789 wrote: »

.............he's wants cash from me for one of the rounds he bought.

I actually cringed when I read that. I mean, seriously? A cash exchange over a round? Words seriously fail me!!

If he cant see why this is wrong, there is something massively wrong with him.

delila789 wrote: »

His argument always seems to go back to me having that lump sum. But if he wanted the same things as I did I can see that he would want to leave that untouched, like I do.

It sounds like he is afraid that you will somehow be benefiting off him while jealously crouching over your lump sum telling him to keep away from it. I mean, I almost see this in a cartoonish way - he sees himself as slaving away and you taking his hard earned cash while cackling over your pot of gold in the dark or something.

Just bizarre.

delila789 wrote: »

Yes, I know that. When I was unemployed I was entitled to dole as I qualified under my PRSI contributions, however I wasn't entitled to anything like rent allowance based on his income. He wanted me to lie on the forms and say we were just house sharing.....

Nice. No, you wouldnt be entitled to any of the means tested stuff if his income is above a certain amount. I mean, in this climate, you could be unemployed and run out of the prsi contributions dole quite easily - I suppose youd be expected to starve then?

Other people are commenting on the control aspect, the possible drink problem etc.. so I wont, but I think you know yourself that there is something seriously dysfunctional about the behaviour in this relationship and that the level of meanness you are disclosing is way beyond 'normal' tightness (if you know what I mean!), and that its massively disrespectful to you to be treating you in this way?

My advice, unfortunately, is to quit this relationship. You wont get the meanness out of a person, its part of who they are.

Chinafoot

Oh OP, what a miserable situation.

I'm with my partner almost 7 years and we try split living costs (bills, rent, food shopping) 50/50 but thats because we are in a position to do so. Sometimes he'll pay for the groceries, the next week I'll do it. If something needs picking up, the one passing the shop will do it. Sometimes I'll pay for the cinema/night out/taxi home, sometimes he will. We most certainly wouldn't keep a tally of who spent what and when.

While 50/50 on major things is how we do it, we would never, ever view money the way your partner does. Never! I am appalled for you that your partner of 9 years has that sort of attitude. If something were to happen in my relationship like unemployment or longterm sickness resulting in loss of income there would be absolutely no question about the person still earning supporting the other. It would be automatic. There has been many a time where I have been stuck for cash and my boyfriend has given me a dig out and vice versa. Its what you do!

Your boyfriend sounds incredibly mean and clearly not someone you can rely on the way you're supposed to in a long-term relationship. For him to tell you he doesn't know if he's suited to a relationship after 9 bloody years is unreal. If it was me I don't think I could stick around under those circumstances. I know its hard because you love him and I'm sure after 9 years together you pretty much had your future mapped out in front of you, but I think you would be destined to a very unhappy life if you were to continue in this relationship.

From what you have said regarding the money, the drinking, the houseparty etc, it sounds as though this is a man having a midlife crisis. He sounds like he's desperately trying to cling to his youth and feels trapped by the relationship or something. Like you said yourself, everyone else in your peer group is maturing and settling down a little in terms of drinking yet he's puking his ring up everytime he goes out?!

I think you're right in that he's trying to provoke you into a fight about the weekend away. You must have felt so hurt everytime he said that about the houseparty, I know I would. Would you consider maybe bringing a friend you can trust away for the weekend instead of this man and having a good hard think about what you're getting out of this relationship? Leave him off to his houseparty. He'll only be miserable and ruin your birthday.

I really feel for you OP, but as the previous poster said, be thankful that you're recognising all of this now before you tied yourself to him through property or marriage.

holyhead

Op, human beings are like balance sheets in accouting. We have good points (assets) and bad points (liabilities). There is no doubt your bf has good points. But crikey is he miserable. :rolleyes: His behaviour is not that of a healthy mind. He must be unhappy. Happy well adjusted people do not behave like this. Maybe he's incapable of having normal human relationships with people. He is clearly repeating behaviour witnessed growing up in all probability. He didn't learn this behaviour off the side of the road apples and tree and all that. RUN. Is someone this calculating capable of loving another human being. I wonder. So should you. You are providing him with sex and companionship. He treats you like dirt in return. In all reality your heart is preventing your brain helping you see the obvious. Out of respect for yourself Op leave this relationship. You have no hope of a having a regular marriage with someone who isn't capable of normal human relations. Best of luck

BattleCorp

After reading your posts I can't see why you are still with him. The way he treats you is pure crap. He's viewing you as a business partner and not a love partner.

One word springs to mind .................. Run

squonk

Yes, the round buying just took the biscuit as I was reading too. My god! One word from me too... LEAVE!!!!

LegacyUser

Jeez, OP, what does it take for you to get out of that toxic relationship? He's an orgre and you should not face having to possibly spend the next 60 years of your life with that? Can you imagine that?

What if, down the line, you want maternity leave? Will you have to save up to be able to cover 50% of the costs?

Get out and get a real man. There are plenty out there. (And you'd be much better off, alone, than with that jerk!)

Lorna123

I would think OP that this man is jealous of you. He didn't want you to improve yourself by doing this course and he resented the fact that you got a lump sum and didn't half it with him. So he is shutting you out to punish you. I don't like the sounds of him at all, I think I would get out while the going is good.

LegacyUser

Regarding just this couple's finances, they say that in most situations there are two sides and then there is the truth somewhere in between.  We have heard from the OP and she has got a lot of support here and her boyfriend has been condemned as a miser and told she should run away from this skinflint.

I must say when I read her post I considered it from his point of view:
he has a girlfriend and (as she says) things are going well until she has been made redundant.  I assume his miserly tendencies were not obvious in the preceding years.  She has the means to more or less support herself as she went to full time education.  He contributes a small amount.  She seems to strongly resent that he does not give more and I have no doubt he knew this.  Perhaps she has a point, I don't know.  Certainly she seems annoyed at him.  She also says she has always been independent, but yet she says when people said to her she is lucky she has someone to financially support her at home 'it stung'. Why was this? Surely she should have been proud that she could more or less support herself.  Rather than bitch about the fact that her partner didn't give more.

And then, in my opinion the real problem came with the inheritance.  She 'told him she was investing it'.  Was he even asked for his opinion?  And now with the prospect of possible unemployment she is pissed AGAIN that he has said he won't support her financially as he feels she should use her inheritance.  He has also indicated that he is not comfortable with the responsibility of being the sole earner.

People here have replied that he is tight/miserly, that they would help out their partner, that it is what partners do.  And it is.  But this couple are not partners financially.  At least I don't believe she invested the inheritance in both their names. This is exclusively 'her money' which she may (or lets be honest, may not) choose to spend on a house for them.

It seems to me like she expects to treat him as a source of petty cash, all the while she has the security of her savings.  Would she make them available to him if he decided to further his education? I suspect not.

If I was him I might be of the opinion that she believes 'what's yours is mine and what's mine is my own'.  And he may be acting petty and mean at the moment, but I suspect that is because he perceives the situation as being unfair.  Again I think he may have a point (though perhaps not the best way of expressing it).  In his situation I certainly would not appreciate you saving your money and spending 'our money', particularly when you were so unappreciative of his contributions before.

OP in your situation I would take some of the inheritance and set it aside as your rainy day money, to support yourself if you need to, but more importantly to take some of the pressure off your OH.  I would also say to my partner that we need to start saving, we both out x into an account.  You may end up having the same amount of savings between your savings and the joint account, but he will feel more a part of it.

And lastly I would appreciate that he has acted as support for you. You may have been able to pay most of the rent etc, and you were lucky enough to find a job quickly, but what if you hadn't?  I was the sole earner for a long time and it was a huge responsibility and I was not worried about paying bills today or even tomorrow, it was next month or the month after that for which was trying to make provision, as the future is very uncertain. It was only when my OH returned to work that I realised, from the immense relief I felt, how much pressure I was under.  You should acknowledge that OP and display some gratitude.