Should I just forget it?

LegacyUser

I started chatting to a guy about 2 months ago online... followed by texting (alot) and phonecalls. Finally we meet up about two weeks ago.. had a good night.. it felt comfortable and to my complete regret now.. things got physical and I went home with him.

I guess alarm bells should have started ringing at the time when he told me he was 3 months single and that his apartment was the place that him and the ex were living etc. I didnt let it bother me too much and kept chatting to him.
Ok so we kept texting and chatting on the phone after the first meet up and we agree to meet again, this time I was invited to his apartment to watch films.. yes things did get physical yet again. He told me that he liked me and all that stuff and that i was the first person he was with since the ex.

Thing is I havent slept with anyone in over 1.5 years since a horrific breakup with an ex, I am completely not like that.. but this kind of felt different for some strange reason.

Ok so I am at home last night and get a text from him saying basically... that I should be patient with him that he is still getting over his ex that he doesnt want her back.. that he still wants to see me but needs time to get over her.

He said that he doesnt do one night stands.. he does relationships.. he thought that he was able to start again with me but is having mixed feelings at the moment and wanted to be honest.

I kind of said to him... well after two dates.. i wasnt exactly asking for a relationship basically that I just wanted to get to know him and he said he wanted to get to know me.. Told him Im not just there for sex and he said that it wasnt about that at all.

He texts me a while later saying basically that its up to me if we meet again?? I said to him to sort his head out and that Im not hanging around but if he sorts it out at some point give me a shout.

Texts me back saying Im so nice etc.

Do you wreckon he wants his cake and to eat it or that hes just messed up and I should leave well enough alone?
Its bugging me as I liked him and enjoyed his company.. but I guess Im noones second best

Lorna123

If he was into you OP he would not be trying to back off, and that is exactly what he is doing. He is using his ex as an excuse. There is no such thing as the the wrong time to begin another relationship if you find someone that you want to be in a relationship with. In my opinion this man is not for you, and don't waste any more time wondering about it. Take the hint now and don't meet him again.

Magenta

There is another thread on this forum about almost the exact same situation from the past couple of days, if that's any help OP.

Chucky the tree

If neither of you is especially looking for a relationship then what's the problem? I also find the "no bad time for a relationship" as BS. I certainly never wanted to jump straight into a new relationship after finishing one, especially if it's been a serious one

LovelyLottie

He has been honest (or at least i'm assuming the ex bit is true) and told you that he likes you but he's not going to be emotionally available to you. He's still hung up on his ex.

From what you've written in your post, it sounds to me like you're looking for some type of relationship. You had a horrific breakup and it took you 1.5 years to be with someone again. Getting involved with him will be risky and you will be setting yourself up for potential heartbreak i think.

He has laid his cards on the table and told you up front that he can't give you a relationship right now. Believe him. Don't think that you'll be able to change his mind after a few dates, because you probably won't. If you're ok with that (no, really ok with that) then meet him again. But if i were you, i'd chalk it down to experience and just not go there. Wait for a guy who is in the same place as you, and who is ready to get to know you and have a relationship with you.

beks101

I don't agree that this has to be a black-or-white situation where the guy either likes the girl or he doesn't and there's no grey area. That's a very simplistic way of thinking, when the fact is that quite often individuals and situations are less one-dimensional and more complicated.

Why not give the guy the benefit of the doubt and take him at his word? It sounds to me like he's just being honest. Relationships take time to recover from, very rarely does one just snap back into action after a break-up, particularly if it's a bad one, and three months is nothing. I know that I've been in the situation before where I met someone lovely while my head was busy getting over someone else and I just wasn't in the mindset or emotional health to jump into something new, it wouldn't have been fair on anyone.

OP, obviously this guy likes you on some level, he wouldn't have taken you home or invited you over for a second date if that wasn't the case. It's not about where his head is though, it's about what you want from this and how little you're willing to accept from him, as he's been honest with you about the fact that he's not willing to invest too much right now. Ask yourself honestly if you could handle something casual and non-committal, or if you run the risk of serious head fcuk and hurt. Only you know the answer to this, some people can do it, some can't.

LegacyUser

Thanks guys for your replies to my message...

Yes I have thought about it I guess the best thing to do is to just walk away from it now... clearly hes looking for something casual and I guess whilst I am not exactly looking to marry the guy or jump into a relationship with any guy.. I need to be realistic that if I did meet someone and it were to happen.. then it should be a natural thing and I shouldnt have to sit around wondering when a guy is over his ex...

He said to me the other night that he "would remain committed to me whilst seeing me... theres no question of that" but I would need to be patient..

My head is wrecked at that comment.. as one min hes telling me its up to me if we meet and next.. he'll remain committed to me?

Anyone.. ill chalk it down to experience me thinks

LegacyUser

I agree with Chucky the Tree, LovelyLottie and beks101. He was straight with you and let you know his position so no harm done. His head probably is all over the place. Now it's down to you if you want to take things up with him as they stand.

LovelyLottie

feelinglousy wrote: »

Thanks guys for your replies to my message...

Yes I have thought about it I guess the best thing to do is to just walk away from it now... clearly hes looking for something casual and I guess whilst I am not exactly looking to marry the guy or jump into a relationship with any guy.. I need to be realistic that if I did meet someone and it were to happen.. then it should be a natural thing and I shouldnt have to sit around wondering when a guy is over his ex...

He said to me the other night that he "would remain committed to me whilst seeing me... theres no question of that" but I would need to be patient..

My head is wrecked at that comment.. as one min hes telling me its up to me if we meet and next.. he'll remain committed to me?

Anyone.. ill chalk it down to experience me thinks

Yeah it's very hard when someone puts the ball back in your court in this type of situation - your head is telling you to steer clear but your heart is telling you something else.

It's easy for us to say be strong and let him go, but so much harder for you to do in practise.

What he is offering you, however, is less than you really want and deserve. Try to be strong and move on. But it might take a few slips along the way before you are really able to let go. Good luck.

Chucky the tree

feelinglousy wrote: »

Thanks guys for your replies to my message...

Yes I have thought about it I guess the best thing to do is to just walk away from it now... clearly hes looking for something casual and I guess whilst I am not exactly looking to marry the guy or jump into a relationship with any guy.. I need to be realistic that if I did meet someone and it were to happen.. then it should be a natural thing and I shouldnt have to sit around wondering when a guy is over his ex...

He said to me the other night that he "would remain committed to me whilst seeing me... theres no question of that" but I would need to be patient..

My head is wrecked at that comment.. as one min hes telling me its up to me if we meet and next.. he'll remain committed to me?

Anyone.. ill chalk it down to experience me thinks

I think he means he won't be seeing anyone else. It seems to me he just isn't ready for an official relationship yet and all the extras that come with that. I also don't really see why it should be "natural", not everything in life runs smoothly and sometimes you'll have to jump the odd hurdle to get where you want. However if your not happy with the situation then time to cut him loose.

TheBegotten

No. Quite possibly the Worst thing to do here is walk away. You'll send both of your confidence levels back a couple of months. Imagine the roles were reversed. You're still a bit shaken from a break-up when all of a sudden the first nice guy in months is into you. Talk it out. I was put in the same position last Wednesday. We talked it out, she admitted that she wanted space to get her head straight, we left as friends with the possibility there for the future. Just ask him to put all the cards on the table and make an infformed desicion. And find out the "living with ex" situation. That can't help.

Micky 32

A wise woman said to me last week regarding dating etc and i think she maybe right. When you meet someone it should be plain simple, easy and fun with no drama whatsoever. If it's not walk away because it may never work......

Lorna123

If I had just broken up with an ex and was miserable and all that goes with it and then along came a guy whom I was very attracted to I certainly would not push him away. I would be delighted with the attention and would want more of him not less of him. It would also be a great way to get over the ex. So I don't understand anyone wanting to push away someone they are attracted to. He did say that if he was in a relationship with you he would be committed but yet he is not prepared to say he wants that relationship, so he is talking in riddles. I think that you should tell him that when he is ready for a relationship that he should get in touch with you again and not before.

I am a friend

Micky 32 wrote: »

When you meet someone it should be plain simple, easy and fun with no drama whatsoever. If it's not walk away because it may never work......

Abso-fricking-lutely.. If there is misery at the start, what will it be like in 10 years...

DamoKen

while I wouldn't agree with some of the overly simplistic views here I would agree that the start of a relationship (if that's what you were looking for) should be fun with no drama.

From someone who has been on both sides of the coin I would reckon he is being honest with you because he likes you. He isn't trying to mess you around but as his head is still all over the place (3 months is a very short time if they were living together!!!) it will inadvertently wreck your head as well.

I think you're doing the right thing in backing away, especially given your last relationship ended so badly for you.

Timing can be contrary to what some would say very important. Like him a couple of years back I was out of a relationship that ended very badly for me, meet a girl I really liked almost a year later but was not ready for how much I liked her. Because of this we agreed it was better we went our seperate ways......

....however a year after that she got back in touch. That was over a year ago and since the first tentative meet up after that we haven't looked back

Not saying that will happen here, but there is no reason to part on bad terms, nor for you to hang around willing him to get his head together sooner than he can.

Think you should just get on with your own life for now and let him sort his out in his own time. If down the road he gets back in touch and you still like him as much? Well take it from there.

Just one more thing that stood out here. You say you started talking with him two months before you met? That would mean he started the whole online dating thing a month out of a long term relationship. To be honest think he really needs to just forget about relationships for the moment and concentrate on getting used to being himself again. Different strokes for different folks I know, but it kinda sounds like he is trying to replace what he lost but isn't aware of it? Hence not knowing what he wants.

All the best

jackhammer

OP, I'm going to go against the grain of most of the other posters here.

It sounds to me like you're being played. He's put the ball in your court but also outlined his strategy to finish completely with you when he decides (he'll drag up the ex and say he's still got feelings for her). I've seen this scenario several times before and all of them related to online dating.

As Mickey_32 said, at the start of a relationship, there should be no drama, complications.

Walk away. On face value, no-one deserves to be 2nd best.

puddles22

how about you give him the benefit of the doubt , but dont get physical with him for a while until your happy hes ready to move on with you. Its not about witholding sex but more to see if thats his only motivation, if so and hes willin to accept the situation then happy days go for it, if not then you'll know hes playing ya and cheeribye it is

Miss Fluff

feelinglousy wrote: »

I started chatting to a guy about 2 months ago online... followed by texting (alot) and phonecalls. Finally we meet up about two weeks ago.. had a good night.. it felt comfortable and to my complete regret now.. things got physical and I went home with him.

I guess alarm bells should have started ringing at the time when he told me he was 3 months single and that his apartment was the place that him and the ex were living etc.

So you started talking to him online 2 months ago and he is out of his serious relationship 3 months ago? So he was at most a month single when he went on dating website? I'd take him at his word. He's told you he's not over his ex (how could he possibly be) but still wants to continue having sex with you. If you listen to people closely enough they'll normally tell you what's going on and he has (without being crass enough to tell you he wants to continue sleeping with you until he decides what he does actually want). So if you're happy to continue having sex with him harbouring hope that he will at some stage be ready to be involved with you then go for it. If I liked him and was offered this as a choice I'd be saying thanks but no thanks.