In my mid thirties and contemplating divorce

scobysnacks

My story is a really completed one. I'm Irish, met my Brazilian husband in Australia and after five years and losing the Aussie visa ending up moving to Brazil last year. The problem is not my husband, the problem is Brazil. I hate it and have been really depressed since I have been here. The place is a total kip and culturally it is too different.

I am 34 now and want to have a child. However my husband refuses, to be fair to him on the bases that I don't like Brazil and we don't know what's going to happen. He has told me that he won't move to Europe - he has a good job here, owns his own apartment and struggled with employment in Oz. I can understand why he won't move again. I can't find proper work here and am struggling to learn the language. I'm also really lonely (it's hard to make friends here) and have very little money, along with a negative equity mortgage in Ireland.

I want to move back to Ireland but I haven't worked in my profession for over 17 months, and in Ireland for almost 6 years. All my friends and family are married with kids. I am afraid that if I go back I will be unemployed, living with my folks, not able to claim social welfare and will have nobody to socialize with. Also, that I may never find another partner, given my age. I am really confused. What would you do if you were in my situation? I would love to hear similar stories.

LovelyLottie

Do you still love him? Is your relationship (leaving Brazil the country aside) worth fighting for? If not, then i think it's an open and shut case.

Why in God's name would having a child make anything better? If anything it would make the whole situation more stressful.

Does he know how you're feeling? Does he know you're contemplating divorce?

Figure out how you both feel about each other and whether there's anything there worth saving. All the best.

username123

scobysnacks wrote: »

The problem is not my husband, the problem is Brazil. I hate it and have been really depressed since I have been here. The place is a total kip and culturally it is too different.

What is your husbands response when you tell him the above? Could the two of you move to a different part of Brazil? Surely the whole country isnt a kip (what do you mean by that btw?). How is it too different culturally?
Why are you struggling with the language - after a year living there, if its a struggle would you not take formal classes or one on one tuition?

How have you no money if your husband has a good job - are your finances not joint?

I can understand why your husband wants to stay there, and certainly moving to Ireland would be no fix at the moment.

scobysnacks wrote: »

.............and in Ireland for almost 6 years. All my friends and family are married with kids. I am afraid that if I go back I will be unemployed, living with my folks, not able to claim social welfare and will have nobody to socialize with.

Ireland has changed sooooo much in 6 years. Its a pretty depressing place these days. Being on social welfare has become normalised, jobs have become scarce, employers are taking the mick offering stupidly low money for professional jobs that previously commanded good salaries. Theres a very good chance that what you say above could come true. And if things were hard for you, it could be even harder for your husband here.

Anyway, thats really me just agreeing with you on things, what to do about it is a different issue. On not liking Brazil - if your husband will not move again then there are 3 choices:
1 - compromise, move to a different part?
2 - you leave
3 - accept it

Which do you want? Is 1 even possible? Could you do 3?

What could you do to improve the current situation while living in Brazil?

And if you leave, no point really coming back to Ireland - not right now. Theres nothing here for you these days, unless you could get work organised before you came back.

On your point of being 34 - I would say to you that thats not a factor under consideration. It would be worse to be 38 and saddled with a child in country you dont want to be in with a husband you want to leave. Much more difficult. 34 is still young anyway.

What about somewhere other than Europe for you and your husband, Canada maybe?

Lorna123

Feel really sorry for you OP. I think I would come back to Ireland if I were you. You will get a job somewhere. You have your parents until you find a suitable job and you will be in a better frame of mind to pull out all the stops and work again. 34 is not old. Stop thinking like that. I can't see your life improving if you stay where you are. You are not happy. You will have your married friends and you can advertise in the personal columns to meet friends to socialize with. Where there's a will there's a way.

I am a friend

Lorna123 wrote: »

Feel really sorry for you OP. I think I would come back to Ireland if I were you. You will get a job somewhere. You have your parents until you find a suitable job and you will be in a better frame of mind to pull out all the stops and work again. 34 is not old. Stop thinking like that. I can't see your life improving if you stay where you are. You are not happy. You will have your married friends and you can advertise in the personal columns to meet friends to socialize with. Where there's a will there's a way.

Sorry but this is not at all practical advice...

There are 450k people on the dole, so where do you think she is going to magic a job from? How do you know her parents will want a 30+ child, with no regular income returning indefinitely to their home indefinitely and on top of that, her parents may live 50 miles in from the nearest road so how is she getting to meet friends from the personal colums to socialise...

Lorna, i do see that you are well intentioned but the advice you are giving is not practical.

OP, we are in the middle of the worst recession in history here. you are not happy where you are but to be honest, there is no excuse for not learning the lingo in a year, especially with a native husband. you are throwing in the towel on your marriage a bit prematurely in my book. its not always going to be a bed of roses but you took vows and I dont think you should just throw them away so easily. try to learn the language, also try to meet ex pats etc... If you have made up your mind that you cant be happy there, then you never will be.. it is possible to change your mind though

Beruthiel

scobysnacks wrote: »

I can't find proper work here and am struggling to learn the language. I'm also really lonely (it's hard to make friends here)

Can I ask, what have you done to change all of the above?
Classes to bring you up to speed with the lingo would be a great start and will make it easier for you to find a job. You might even make a friend or two at the classes.
How about teaching english?

If you love your hubby, you should do everything in your power to make this move work before throwing in the towel.
Try everything, make a huge effort to fit in and giving it a go.
Nothing comes to those who sit there and wait for it.

I am afraid that if I go back I will be unemployed, living with my folks, not able to claim social welfare and will have nobody to socialize with.

That's pretty much what will happen OP.
With unemployment at 14.5% (438k at last count), you will find it very difficult to get a job and I wonder, at the end of the day, will the move back make you any happier?

What I'm saying is, make sure you try out every last avenue with regards to your present life so that if you do jack it in later, you will have no regrets with your decision.

Balmed Out

My brothers in Sao Paulo for last few years. Teaching English is the way to go, at least to get on your feet. You wont mix until your fluent.

silly

Op, you don't mention much about your love or lack thereof for your husband. If you don't love your husband then I would most certainly leave!
But if you love your husband then you need to find a way to make it work. Surely there is some kind if Irish community over there...aren't there everywhere? Even an Irish bar that you might be able to get a few shifts in, once you can earn your own money things would probably improve.
You could do an online tefl course online, my sister did that and then moved to Japan without a word of Japanese and is thee two yrs now teaching English.
You don't need to know their language to teach English there.

Lorna123

I am a friend wrote: »

Sorry but this is not at all practical advice...

There are 450k people on the dole, so where do you think she is going to magic a job from? How do you know her parents will want a 30+ child, with no regular income returning indefinitely to their home indefinitely and on top of that, her parents may live 50 miles in from the nearest road so how is she getting to meet friends from the personal colums to socialise...

Lorna, i do see that you are well intentioned but the advice you are giving is not practical.

OP, we are in the middle of the worst recession in history here. you are not happy where you are but to be honest, there is no excuse for not learning the lingo in a year, especially with a native husband. you are throwing in the towel on your marriage a bit prematurely in my book. its not always going to be a bed of roses but you took vows and I dont think you should just throw them away so easily. try to learn the language, also try to meet ex pats etc... If you have made up your mind that you cant be happy there, then you never will be.. it is possible to change your mind though

Sorry I am a Friend but this thread is not about your opinion v mine.

OP if I was in a country where I didn't speak the language and was terribly homesick I would most definitely come back home. At least you have your friends here and there are jobs around if you are determined to work. I know at least 4 people who got jobs recently. You have to be prepared to work at anything that brings in money. People are different, some people can live in a separate country to their parents and others can't. I would be the type who would want to see my parents on a week to week basis.

OP you sound to me like you might be sticking with your husband for fear of not meeting someone else, and if that is the case then that is your biggest worry. You also sound to me like you are so unhappy over there that you don't want to make the effort. You are still young in my book and you can easily start over again.

Of course all of the above is just my opinion. I am not forcing anyone to agree with it, nor am I asking anyone to comment on it. If the OP sees any sense in what I am saying, fine, if not so be it.

midnight_train

OP, I can understand where you're coming from.

I was living in New Zealand with my then-fiance, for about a year and a half. I HATED New Zealand. But my situation was different in that I also came to realize that my fiance was not the right guy for me.

Long story short, we broke up, called off the wedding, I left NZ a few weeks later, came back to Ireland in the middle of a recession, got a job, never looked back.

I wasn't married, so my situation was different, but I understand how it is to hate where you live. It's awful, especially if that place is where your partner is from.

If you love your husband, try to work it out. If you don't, then leave. I'm glad I did.