Trouble with friends and social life

LegacyUser

Regular poster, going unreg for this am a 22 year old male. I am in college (DCU) at the moment and I am trying my best to enjoy myself and make the most of it, but I am having some problems with my friends and social life.

I am a good looking guy in my opinion and I'm pretty easy going and fun to be around. The only problem is that I'm very overweight at the moment. I've always been the kind of person who can put on weight easily (slow metabolism) and even though I work out twice a week and eat healthily I am up to nearly 19 stone now ( and I'm about 5'10" so it is not good).

The problem with this is that, despite my looks, girls sometimes have a bit of trouble getting over the weight side of things. I sense this and I get a bit self conscious. That's where the trouble starts. In order to get over the weight problems, I try to get my personality across to girls as much as possible. This means I am telling a lot of jokes and I'm very loud. Also, I used to have a standard 5 or 6 pints on a night out with the lads but lately I've been burying myself in alcohol, consuming up to 10 or 11 pints most nights out now.

Then on one night recently a friend took me aside and told me "none of the group want to hang out with you anymore, you are destroying our chances with girls and you are annoying us all, please leave if you can't act like a grown up".

Obviously I was very angry, and unfortunately there were a few blows exchanged (I realise now this was the wrong thing to do) and he ended up with a bloody nose and going home and I left soon after. Basically I am wondering where I stand. How would you approach this situation if you wanted to get more confidence and have better luck with the ladies. Sorry for the long post, thanks.

LegacyUser

O.K. the first thing that jumps out at me in your post is your weight. You need to get this sorted first. Exercising twice a week is not good enough. I exercise 6 times a week. Apparently three times a week is the recommended about. Unfortunetly, some people probably like you and I have to work that bit extra.

The second thing that jumped out at me- is that you mentioned that you drink alot, are loud and tell lots of jokes. The girls will sense that you are trying too hard and it gives off an air off desparation. Which is not good. I'm sorry to say that your friend made a valid point. In fact as crazy as it may sound to you- I would say that he was a good friend. He was being honest with you, when others probably wouldn't have bothered and instead just ignored you until you got the hint.

What you need to do is:
1. Go to the gym/ walk/ run/ badminton/ tag rugby- basically anything that will keep you fit. Please please go more than twice a week. Not having enough time just doesn't cut it as an excuse.
2. Eat better. This means more fruit, veg and protein. Less carbohydrates. Theres loads of threads on this. The people on the fitness threads are really really helpful with this. Post up over there what you eat and they will be able to point you in the right direction. I've done it and it works.
3. Stop drinking so much. It's detrimental to your health and it affects your social skills. As a woman, I wouldn't want to date a man that drinks that much. It tells me he doesn't respect himself or me. Hitting an ex-friend is not good. No matter what he said to you.
4. Be yourself. You are trying waay to hard to attract the ladies. Taking part in a fitness group might be somewhere that you could get chatting to ladies and also keep fit- something like tag rugby would be perfect as it's mixed teams.

Hope I've helped...

IrishEyes19

Anxious Guy wrote: »

Regular poster, going unreg for this am a 22 year old male. I am in college (DCU) at the moment and I am trying my best to enjoy myself and make the most of it, but I am having some problems with my friends and social life.

I am a good looking guy in my opinion and I'm pretty easy going and fun to be around. The only problem is that I'm very overweight at the moment. I've always been the kind of person who can put on weight easily (slow metabolism) and even though I work out twice a week and eat healthily I am up to nearly 19 stone now ( and I'm about 5'10" so it is not good).

The problem with this is that, despite my looks, girls sometimes have a bit of trouble getting over the weight side of things. I sense this and I get a bit self conscious. That's where the trouble starts. In order to get over the weight problems, I try to get my personality across to girls as much as possible. This means I am telling a lot of jokes and I'm very loud. Also, I used to have a standard 5 or 6 pints on a night out with the lads but lately I've been burying myself in alcohol, consuming up to 10 or 11 pints most nights out now.

Then on one night recently a friend took me aside and told me "none of the group want to hang out with you anymore, you are destroying our chances with girls and you are annoying us all, please leave if you can't act like a grown up".

Obviously I was very angry, and unfortunately there were a few blows exchanged (I realise now this was the wrong thing to do) and he ended up with a bloody nose and going home and I left soon after. Basically I am wondering where I stand. How would you approach this situation if you wanted to get more confidence and have better luck with the ladies. Sorry for the long post, thanks.

First thing you need to do is apologise to your friend for hitting him, their comments weren't nice, but I can see their point. I get from your post that you drink too much on a night out and are acting immature hence "act like a grown up" comments.

secondly, forget about getting a girl, try keep your friends. You're only 22, its your friends that stick around at that age not relationships, you're supposed to be having some fun. As for the weight, this may sound harsh but if you exercise and eat well, you will lose weight and look better too. You sound very self absorbed, Im sorry but you blame everyone but yourself. Take control of your life now and your actions. make it up to your friends, get a diet plan and stick to it. you'll be amazed at the changes

LegacyUser

stuff8920 wrote: »

O.K. the first thing that jumps out at me in your post is your weight. You need to get this sorted first. Exercising twice a week is not good enough. I exercise 6 times a week. Apparently three times a week is the recommended about. Unfortunetly, some people probably like you and I have to work that bit extra.

The second thing that jumped out at me- is that you mentioned that you drink alot, are loud and tell lots of jokes. The girls will sense that you are trying too hard and it gives off an air off desparation. Which is not good. I'm sorry to say that your friend made a valid point. In fact as crazy as it may sound to you- I would say that he was a good friend. He was being honest with you, when others probably wouldn't have bothered and instead just ignored you until you got the hint.

What you need to do is:
1. Go to the gym/ walk/ run/ badminton/ tag rugby- basically anything that will keep you fit. Please please go more than twice a week. Not having enough time just doesn't cut it as an excuse.
2. Eat better. This means more fruit, veg and protein. Less carbohydrates. Theres loads of threads on this. The people on the fitness threads are really really helpful with this. Post up over there what you eat and they will be able to point you in the right direction. I've done it and it works.
3. Stop drinking so much. It's detrimental to your health and it affects your social skills. As a woman, I wouldn't want to date a man that drinks that much. It tells me he doesn't respect himself or me. Hitting an ex-friend is not good. No matter what he said to you.
4. Be yourself. You are trying waay to hard to attract the ladies. Taking part in a fitness group might be somewhere that you could get chatting to ladies and also keep fit- something like tag rugby would be perfect as it's mixed teams.

Hope I've helped...

Yes I agree that I need to lose weight, it's a big part of my problem. The only thing is that there isn't much I can do about my metabolism. There are of course plenty of people who are fat because they don't eat well, but I do, so it has to be down to my basic physiology, I am blameless really.

Also I acknowledge that I was wrong to hit my friend, but then again, they way he brought his point up was very offensive to me. I don't deserve to be told to go home like some little child, even if I do get loud. I admit that I am not perfect, but I get so frustrated when girls turn me down that I do tend to lash out at girls in nightclubs a lot, particularly if they are ignoring me purposefully and spending all their time talking to my friends, who, while not overweight, do not have the looks I have (don't mean to sound arrogant, it's just that they are good looking lads, but with flaws here and there, my flaw is really just my weight as far as I can see).

Thanks for your input.

Mighty_Mouse

He's a good mate for giving it to you straight.

It seems the bad parts of your personality are stemming from your self-conscience issues regarding your weight.

I'm prone to putting on weight and therefore have to excercise 5-6 times a week. 50% of which is high-intensity. I also watch my diet in terms of general rules. Such as not eating 2 bad meals in the one day etc. Generally monitoring my weight, staying away from bad carbs "whites", drinkin plenty of water etc

It's hard to flick the switch to a healthier life. I would suggest finding a sport you love. It will serve you well the rest of your life.

Finally, if you need some inspiration, get reading.

Trust me, if you take the plunge to sorting out your fitnes, its a solid foundation to everything else you will do in life.

Southern Hero

I'd try to cut out eating fatty foods and alcohol bar maybe 4 or 5 pints a wk. U can come jogging with me if u want, not far from dcu

poozers

Mighty_Mouse wrote: »

He's a good mate for giving it to you straight.

i disagree with this to an extent! yes, he told you (OP) the truth, but he should have talked to you about your problems and not just ditched you altogether! OP, you deserve better than that! and of course, being ditched like that would in no way help your confidence! as everyone else says, if you're not happy with yourself, work harder to change what you unhappy about! try do excersising 6 times a week as stuff8920 said and get down to your desired weight!! you can do it, but just be patient, remember the faster you lose weight the faster it piles back on, so do it right! its just a routine that u need to get into! it will be hard, but its not impossible!
people are attracted to people who are confident and happy in themselves... if you cant be happy for yourself, who else will be?? im not the most confident person by all means at all and i really hope to change that cos its affecting my life too, but im going to change that! you need to find new friends who like you for you and who dont tell you that you embarrass them, especially without hearing your side first!!! and if you are comfortable and happy with yourself and those around you, girls will be more attracted to you! i know i probably sound Barney the dinosaur (except for the girls part ), but i believe its the truth! hope it all works out for you!

Magenta

Anxious Guy wrote: »

Yes I agree that I need to lose weight, it's a big part of my problem. The only thing is that there isn't much I can do about my metabolism. There are of course plenty of people who are fat because they don't eat well, but I am blameless really.

Sorry, but I call BS. Have you actually been diagnosed by a doctor as having thyroid issues etc? Far too often I hear people blaming "slow metabolism" or "genes" when the real problem is that they spend most of their time on the couch eating "healthy" potatoes, white bread, fried chicken by the bucketload.
How many calories do you eat a day? What is your fitness regime?
It sounds to be like you're not even trying to lose weight.

Anxious Guy wrote: »

I do tend to lash out at girls in nightclubs a lot, particularly if they are ignoring me purposefully and spending all their time talking to my friends, who, while not overweight, do not have the looks I have (don't mean to sound arrogant, it's just that they are good looking lads, but with flaws here and there, my flaw is really just my weight as far as I can see).

Maybe those girls just don't fancy you? A lot of girls do not fancy men who are very overweight, let alone ones who "lash out" at them. You seem to have some sort of sense of entitlement that girls should fancy you. You're basically saying your only flaw is your weight? There's more to life than looks.

analucija

Anxious Guy wrote: »

Yes I agree that I need to lose weight, it's a big part of my problem. The only thing is that there isn't much I can do about my metabolism. There are of course plenty of people who are fat because they don't eat well, but I do, so it has to be down to my basic physiology, I am blameless really.

You drink 10-11 pints per night and you think you are blameless? You might have slow metabolism but stop fooling yourself. I'm pretty sure your eating and drinking habits are not that healthy.

Anxious Guy wrote: »

Also I acknowledge that I was wrong to hit my friend, but then again, they way he brought his point up was very offensive to me. I don't deserve to be told to go home like some little child, even if I do get loud. I admit that I am not perfect, but I get so frustrated when girls turn me down that I do tend to lash out at girls in nightclubs a lot, particularly if they are ignoring me purposefully and spending all their time talking to my friends, who, while not overweight, do not have the looks I have (don't mean to sound arrogant, it's just that they are good looking lads, but with flaws here and there, my flaw is really just my weight as far as I can see).

So despite their flaws, your friends seem to be able to get girls to talk to them and you are not. Maybe your weight isn't the only issue. I'm not saying bimbos who care only about looks don't exists but there is a lot more than looks that attracts most women to somebody. You can't force them to talk to you but you can charm them into talking to you. And I know plenty of overweight men who are able to do that.

I think you are feeling sorry for yourself because you are overweight and I think you are also a little bit jealous of your friends. Nobody is perfect and we all have some insecurities or imperfections but in the end it is important how we adapt. Don't lash out at girls who ignore you because of your looks, think of them as idiots you were lucky to avoid and talk to someone else.

kjl

OP, it's all well and good that you have this self confidence but you have to respect other people too. When you are drunk it's very difficult to judge how your "jokes" are being perceived.

While I agree that your friends comments were harsh, hitting him in the face was completely out of line. What is he had been seriously injured? Would you be able to live with that guilt? Is it possible that once again your perception of the situation was off. Maybe he was trying to explain to you that being loud and obnoxious is not the way to get girls.

In regards to your weight 19 stone is not that bad, at lot of people heavier then you have lost it before and will again. You really need to examine your diet and you maybe need to revamp the type of work out you are doing. Some people thing that doing weights is considered a work out, but to lose weight you need to be doing cardio, at least 30 min a day.

Magenta

kjl wrote: »

Some people thing that doing weights is considered a work out, but to lose weight you need to be doing cardio, at least 30 min a day.

BS. Doing weights is just as effective if not more effective than cardio, because it continues to burn calories long after you put the weights down. Either way, calorie burning is calorie burning. I suggest both yourself and the OP read up on this stuff to avoid confusion.
Anyway, this is a little off-topic.

Big Bag of Chips

Sorry to say OP, but regardless of how good looking you (think you) are... your weight and attitude combined make you very unattractive to girls.

You try to get your personality across by telling lots of jokes and being very loud... biy of advice, that's fine for a few minutes, but gets very tiring after that.

If girls are ignoring you it is because they are fed up listening to you and don't want to engage and keep you there any longer. While it may be a bit rude, they don't owe you anything. They are out to enjoy their night, and obviously being in the company of someone so loud and, it would seem, sometimes offensive (you say you lash out at them) is not many peoples' idea of a good night.

Relax a bit more. Try to lose some weight. If you can't then at least try to calm your attitude. You are putting too much emphasis on your weight, which does not seem to be entirely to blame, and not focusing enough on your attitude and how you come across to people.

Katgurl

OP didn't you post on this before - it all sounds identical except the hitting your friend in the face bit...

Anyway what he said wasn't very nice but I don't think that's the main problem here.

You need to stop trying so hard. Some girls won't be into you despite how good or bad you look, they are entitled to their opinions. Running your friends down is not decent or attractive. Take it easy on the drinking, it's clearly making you miserable. Get someone to help you train and get a diet plan sorted out. Relax. You are being very hard on yourself.

LegacyUser

OP,
Your story does remind me of a guy I know. He's short and a little overweight but makes up for it with a big personality.
He's a good guy but sometimes it's too much, like he has no off switch. He does pretty well with girls as he wins people over with his personality but like someone said here, it often gets too much. You have to know when to hold back too.

He pissed off some of our friends at times because he had to be center of attention always. Instead of trying to get his own girls he'd wait until one of us was chatting to someone and then try and interject himself to steal the girl.

If you think you are better than your friends then fine, but if the girl is already talking to him then leave him too it, thats what friends do. She's already interested in him.
Go and try to find other girls.

It was already said here too but...
Even if you're good looking 19stone will be a barrier for some people.
There is no such thing as a slow metabolism unless its a serious medical condition.
I put on weight easily too but I start tracking everything I ate and drank... I drank much less beer, drank light beer for a while and cut my portions way down and weight started falling off... it's very easy to over eat without realising it, it's not how hungry you are, its about what you eat.

All the best.

Fenian Army

Sound like a bit of a headwreck when you are drinking, especially if your friends said it to you.

Knocking back pints doesnt help with the weight.