Can't prioritise...don't care

LegacyUser

Hi..

I've been feeling really weird lately. I had a lot of difficulties in my personal life over the past couple of years but finally everything seems to have settled down now. I have no real worries and I'm in a really lucky position. I started a really stressful full time phd about 6 months ago and I don't think I'm putting enough effort in. I'm in such a good position but I feel like a lot of the time I don't appreciate it. I don't put the effort that others around me put in and I'm not as clued in on whats going on. Often I will take whole days off or go home early and I'm not even sure why because I just go home and sit around wasting my time. Then I feel terrible the next day, like everybody thinks I'm a waste of space.

It has resulted with my, 6 months in, feeling like I'm not good enough to be there. That any moment someone will realise how little I know/care and that nobody respects me.

I also spend a lot of time obsessing over things that went on in my life nearly a year ago now. I should be over them but they keep me up at night. Another reason why I can't focus and don't want to go into work. Everything just seems a bit weird and pointless at the moment. I could be in work trying to do something and my mind just wants to obsess over something trivial. I can't stop it so my mind wins and I don't get anything done.

I'm up and down a lot. All it takes is for me to hear a sad song on the radio and I feel like life is **** and nobody cares about me. As soon as a happy song comes on I'll be back on top of the world. I've gone through months of being down about what went on. When people say time is a healer I believed them and really feel like I should be healed by now?

I don't even know what I'm trying to say. I just feel like I'm losing control of my life and falling behind with my course and theres nothing I seem to be able to do to stop it. I've tried all the usual suspects - counsellor, socializing more, exercise, eating right, focusing on my hobbies. In fact I obsess about these things a bit too when I first start them and then lose interest quickly til the next obsession comes along. I'm a wreck

woodchuck

Sorry to hear you’re feeling like that I’m not sure what I can say to help you with your negative obsessive feelings, but have you discussed any of this with a doctor? It might help.

I just wanted to reply because I’ve been through a PhD myself so thought I could give you some practical advice for that side of things.
- First of all it’s perfectly normal to feel like everyone else around you is more clued in than you… they probably are! That’s because you’re only 6 months in, so most of them have probably been there longer than you, so in reality of course they’ve had more time to get a grip on their project. The longer you’re at it, the more comfortable you’ll feel with your project. At the moment you’re probably depending on others around you for advice… it’s a great feeling when you’re a couple of years in and people start coming to you for advice!
- There were a lot of times in the first 6 months in particular where I felt like I had nothing to do (it can take time to get the ball rolling properly and for your project to gain momentum… and this happens at a different pace for everyone depending on the nature of your project). But you know yourself that you really shouldn’t be taking days off or half days as you please. If you feel like you’ve nothing to do, make sure to catch up on some reading. It will really stand to you in the long run and might give you ideas for a way forward for your project (I'd strongly advise you write a lit review and have your supervisor look over it if you haven't already). I don’t know if you’re in a laboratory setting or not, but if it’s possible to shadow people to learn new techniques I’d advise that too if you find you’re at a loose end. But whatever you do, don’t just take the day off!
- 6 months isn’t far into a PhD at all, so don’t get caught up with feeling as if you’ve fallen behind already. In reality you probably haven’t. Just make the effort to keep on top of things from now on and you should be fine.

gud4u

HI,

Were you like this before the Phd, are you not as interested in the work as you thought.

The poster above advised you on the Phd and unfortunetly I can't give anything to you there, but what I can say is...

You have written an almost identical description of me from 2 years ago, I had a very stressful time, couldn't focus, the house was a tip, I HATED my job, my house, my car, my husband but ultimately myself. with a little help and redirection I realised these were just thoughts stemming from all the stress and bereavement I had. It all ended up with me being obsessed with little things, I'd come home from work, be paraalysed with 'the nothingness' do nothing and then go back to work thinking, 'what a failure, you couldn't even sweep the floor'.

Whatever has happened that people have told you time will heal they are right, however, you may have not given yourself enough time. I would also suggest you speak to a GP because I know my root cause was depression, and I'm not saying you are as i'm no doctor, but sometimes, that inertia and inability to do anything can be just as bad.

You may need a little help to get back on track but please don't let yourself slid any further. I have just clawed my way back, it aint easy but it will get better. First you have to admit there's a problem or something that needs attention, then you can work on helping yourself.

Take care, only you can do it.

going un-reg

Hey OP, I can relate somewhat.

I used to be the very same in college, I never felt like I was good enough, and I always had that "ahh sure it's grand, I've plenty of time to get X done"...fooling myself into thinking that whatever I had to do was a breeze, then once approaching it, finding that it was much harder than I thought, thus resulting in a poor mark.

I used to procrastinate SOOO much it's not even funny, to the point where I'd leave something to the very last minute, giving myself false goals. Having read down through your post, it doesn't seem like the PHD is the problem here, moreover, I think it's something you're trying to deal with that was there before the PHD started.

You need to find your confidence again, you have to convince yourself that you do deserve the position you're currently in, albeit easier said than done.

At times like this, tough love is usually the more successful method of communicating to someone in your situation because it's what I got and it took me out of my rut. There's definantly an air of "poor me" threaded through the post, which is understandable, but it's something you have to drop.

You're doing a PHD, you have to remember that, it's about taking full responsibility for an important research project, it's not really the time to take a back seat and feel sorry for one's self.

You stated that the things you think about are trivial, that fact alone tells me you're trying to de-focus onto less important, irrelevant material that is only a disadvantage in this situation. I did the very same thing, anything to keep my mind off what I had to do. It just put me in this perpetual loop of not getting work done, then feeling bad about it afterwards.

See a GP if you think it would help, but it's time you try to snap out of it, otherwise you'll be looking back at this situation with a deep feeling of regret, and that's fact.

G'luck OP

phdgirl

sinking.. wrote: »

Hi..

I've been feeling really weird lately. I had a lot of difficulties in my personal life over the past couple of years but finally everything seems to have settled down now. I have no real worries and I'm in a really lucky position. I started a really stressful full time phd about 6 months ago and I don't think I'm putting enough effort in. I'm in such a good position but I feel like a lot of the time I don't appreciate it. I don't put the effort that others around me put in and I'm not as clued in on whats going on. Often I will take whole days off or go home early and I'm not even sure why because I just go home and sit around wasting my time. Then I feel terrible the next day, like everybody thinks I'm a waste of space.

It has resulted with my, 6 months in, feeling like I'm not good enough to be there. That any moment someone will realise how little I know/care and that nobody respects me.

I also spend a lot of time obsessing over things that went on in my life nearly a year ago now. I should be over them but they keep me up at night. Another reason why I can't focus and don't want to go into work. Everything just seems a bit weird and pointless at the moment. I could be in work trying to do something and my mind just wants to obsess over something trivial. I can't stop it so my mind wins and I don't get anything done.

I'm up and down a lot. All it takes is for me to hear a sad song on the radio and I feel like life is **** and nobody cares about me. As soon as a happy song comes on I'll be back on top of the world. I've gone through months of being down about what went on. When people say time is a healer I believed them and really feel like I should be healed by now?

I don't even know what I'm trying to say. I just feel like I'm losing control of my life and falling behind with my course and theres nothing I seem to be able to do to stop it. I've tried all the usual suspects - counsellor, socializing more, exercise, eating right, focusing on my hobbies. In fact I obsess about these things a bit too when I first start them and then lose interest quickly til the next obsession comes along. I'm a wreck

Hello there, just wanted to give you a bit of advice about the whole phd situation. I think everyone thinks that they aren't good enough most days during the phd! I'm in 2nd year now and have been through a mixture of emotions with the whole thing. Some days you feel on top of the world, other days it's just swamping. It isn't unusual to take whole days off, or afternoons off. Some days your brain will only work 2 hours, other days it will work 10! Stressing yourself out and thinking you're behind is just another way of psych-ing yourself out about the whole thing. Just try to keep positive, try not to compare yourself to other people and just keep plugging away.

Our personalities sound quite similar, because I too can go from high to low moods very quickly, and what you're saying about songs on the radio, that happens me a lot! I think you seem to be a sensitive person and maybe the fact you're beating yourself up about the phd and having unproductive days is why you sit up late at night going over and over things that aren't to do with the phd.

My advice would be - maybe join a gym and seperate phd work with a swim or workout: keep your endorphins up! This will help jog your brain. I try to swim three times a week - so would go to the library from 11-2, take a break and swim until about 4 and then from 5-8 head back to the library. Then have dinner and watch a good film or read a little more, depending on your mood! And by the state, you'll be so tired from exercise and study, you won't have time to focus on other things that are keeping you up at night.

Good luck And p.s. one of my best friends successfully defended an amazing phd two years ago - she said she hadn't a clue what she was doing until about 18months into the whole thing. I'm finding that myself - have a few chapters done but they will be considerably re-drafted. Every day is a new step in refining your project - don't expect immediate answers overnight.

LegacyUser

Thanks for your replies... deep down I know what I have to do I just don't know how to get my head on straight and do it.

I'm also quite worried at the moment. I had an assignment to do for a module and I left it to last minute. Its due in 2 days and I just sat down to do it but I can't get my head around it at all. If I hand it in I know I will fail. I will have to hand something in anyway but I was just wondering if I do fail does anyone know what this will mean? Will I need to repeat the module?

I'm kicking myself for letting myself get this far behind

Nobody will respect me if I fail that module.

Miss Fluff

Sounds like you may need what's known as an "academic cuddle". Most decent PhD tutors will provide one (metaphorically) if you go in and see them for a chat. Basically to tell you that you are smart enough and that you will be able to do it and then send you on your way. A PhD has got to be one of the most hardcore challenges a person can undertake and can be extremely isolating in some respects because when you feel at sea you very much feel at sea all alone. Are you getting the support you need from your academic institution? I recommend you arrange to go in and see them and tell them what's going on, it will allow you to grasp back some control of the situation.

Bullchomper

Hey, this is probably just repeating the other posts but I'm doing a PhD too and EVERYONE, including me and my entire lab group feels like that in their first year.

Best thing to do, and I can't stress this enough, is to go in.

What you think others think about you is probably/definitely wrong, they will be stressed with their own work.

I would strongly advise talking to a fellow PhD student in your lab/area on a one to one and ask them for advise. It will help clear your head and become closer to your research group.

Talk to your supervisor, they will be more grateful that you want to tackle a problem than do nothing.

As for feeling despondent towards work, I believe that is a side product of the accumulating stress from feeling you are behind on your work. Once you get talking to people inside there, you will feel more comfortable going in and even enjoy it.
There will be **** days and good days no matter where you are!
Bite the bullet - go in - talk to someone. Good luck!

Bullchomper

Don't mind others respect - it's your own you need to concentrate on. Get some coffee in and keep going on the assignment. I promise - what looks like something insurmountable can be easily done by just breaking it in to small bits and doing one bit at a time. I had a paper to hand in last week, I was nearly in tears with the stress, felt useless and felt like I didn't know what the hell I was doing but it got done. KEEP AT IT!

BTW - Are you taking any Vitamin B's? Get a high dosage of Vit B, especially niacin, great for the noggin

LegacyUser

OP here. Thanks so much for the replies. It really means a lot to me. I submitted the paper anyway, a very very poor attempt which I am sure I will fail the module over but theres little I can do about it now. I'm just too tired to stay up all night working on something I'll never understand.

When I fail it I will have to explain to my supervisor why. I don't see him much so I don't know how he will respond. I don't think my work has been all that strenuous so far its just the big picture of the whole thing overwhelms me. I really feel very inadequate. I've spoken to a few first year phds this week in a new module I'm doing and that has helped a bit. I have been surrounded by 2nd or 3rd years for the past six months and they just seem to know everything so it has been nice to feel like I'm not the only one who is lost.

I'm going to try and just forget how stupid I have been so far and concentrate on the future. I am only a few months in I suppose and I need to just cop on.

Thanks guys.

Miss Fluff

sinking.. wrote: »

When I fail it I will have to explain to my supervisor why. I don't see him much so I don't know how he will respond.

Maybe you not doing so well in it will be the catalyst that spurns you on into building a relationship with your supervisor. When doing a higher degree it's vital that you have that support and be able to turn to them so I reckon if you go in and face the music and be really honest about how you are feeling etc they will help you

Bullchomper

Well done for getting it in! I swear it all gets better the longer you're there, in a few more months you'll be right in the swing of things