At's A Cracker

MonkieSocks

The Late Frank Carson R.I.P.



:: My father fought in World War I, single-handedly destroyed the Germans' lines of communication.
He ate their pigeon.


:: A fella walks into a pet shop and says:"Give me a wasp."
The shopkeeper replies: "We don't sell wasps."
He says: "There's one in the window."


:: A man goes into Boots and says: "Have you got Viagra?" "Do you have a prescription?" asks the chemist. "No,” he replies, "But I've got a photograph of the wife..."

:: A fella walked into hospital and the doctor said: "You've got three minutes to live." The man said: "Can you do something for me?" "Yes," he said. "I'll boil you an egg."

:: I don't think my wife likes me very much. When I had a heart attack she wrote for an ambulance.

:: A fella said to the doctor: "What's the good news?" "You've got 24 hours to live." He says: "What’s the bad news?" And the doc says: "We should have told you yesterday."

:: I rang British Telecom. I said: "I want to report a nuisance caller." He said: "Not you again."

:: My wife said to me: "If you won the lottery, would you still love me?" I said: "Of course I would. I'd miss you, but I'd still love you."

Bootup

some more of his jokes


An Irishman's wife gave birth to twins. Her husband demanded to know who the other man was.


Someone threw a petrol bomb at Alex Higgins once and he drank it!


Have you heard about the Irishman who reversed into a car boot sale and sold the engine?


Paddy calls a wrong number at 3am. "Is that O'Malley's Bar?" he asks. "No it's not, this is a private residence." "Oh, I must have the wrong number. Sorry to have troubled you," says Paddy. "Ah it's no trouble," says the stranger. "I had to get up to answer the phone anyway."

My uncle Jimmy took liver salts twice a day for 40 years. He died on Sunday, was buried Wednesday and the following Friday they had to go to the cemetery to beat his liver to death with a stick.

rgmmg

I read this elsewhere but sums it up for me:

"I'm always sad when someone who you think 'will always be around' is suddenly not with us any more."

God bless and RIP - You deserve it

Bearhunter

My favourite ones from Frank were when he was talking aboutgrowing up:

"The first time I saw a butcher's shop I thought there'd been an accident."

"My granny worked in Belfast all her life - she was the rear-gunner on a milk float."

"Our neighbour was so mean he used our oven to gas himself."

JohnnyBananas

A janitor is sweeping a floor in a natural history museum. An American tourist walks up to him.

American: “Pardon me, how old is that dinosaur over there?”
Janitor: “That would be 124 million years, 3 months and a week old.”
American: “How can you say that figure to such a level of accuracy”
Janitor: “Well, it was 124 million years old when I started working here, and I’ve been here 3 months and a week”
(It’s the way he told them!!!)


A guy walks into a restaurant.

Guy: “Can I have a quickie?”
Waitress: “I beg your pardon”
Guy: “Can I have a quickie?” (pointing to the menu)
Waitress: “It’s pronounced Quiche!!!” (English pronunciation: /ˈkiːʃ/; keesh)


Billy Connolly once did a tour of the Harland and Wolf shipyards, where he learned that only Protestants were allowed to build the Titanic. When he next bumped into Frank Carson (a Catholic), he said

BC: “Hey Frank, I didn’t know that only Protestants were allowed to build the Titanic”.
FC: “Yeah, we were all in West Belfast building the iceburg!!!!”


I recall an episode of the UK version of “Who Wants to be a Millionaire”, when Chris Tarrant asked the audience to be “as quiet as a Frank Carson audience” during the contestant selection round.


I also recall him being interviewed on the Podge and Rodge show, where he stated that on his gravestone he wanted words to the effect “Here lies Frank Carson. Quiet, isn’t it!!!”

GAAman

"What's the difference between the wife and a terrorist? You can negotiate with a terrorist"

Bootup

“Did you hear about poor Murphy?” he would ask. “The council refused him a job as a lollipop man because he only had the one eye. It’s not right. They could have given him a one-way street.”

dermiek

I saw him on " A question of sport" once where he told the following joke:

I was out for a walk with the wife the other day and as we passed the butchers shop she said,
" is that a sheep's head in the window".
I said, " no, its a mirror".