My life - Not happy

LegacyUser

Hi I am going unreg for this. I am a 20 year old male. I am the middle child of 5. I am posting up here because recently I have been feeling bad and having terrible urges (not suicidal, but I will explain). I live at home with my Mother and my older and younger brother, and younger sister (my older brother moved back in and my older sister still lives away). My mother had/had a drinking problem, starting around 2008 and getting progressively worse until it was finally nipped in the bud in 2011, so 3 years of excessive drinking. She is an alcoholic of 3/4 years

It started when I was 17ish, I would come home from school during LC and my mother would be slightly tipsy. Usually she would have a glass of wine or two a day but I realized recently she would be getting progressively worse. I'd walk home from school everyday and it was no bother. I enjoyed it. The school was a good hour walk away and on rainy days my mother would not mind picking me and my brother up. She stopped doing that too along with other things, of course since she would be probably too drunk to drive. I live alone with my Mother and my parents have been divorced for the last 14 years. My mother stopped cooking and cleaning, making dinner or buying shopping for the house. It was a total wreck. At this time my two older siblings lived away and it was just me and my two youngers. I was studying for the LC at this time and obviously had no money. It progressively got worse and my mother became extremely distant and not a lot of duties were fulfilled that a mother should when she was drinking. She was always drunk, or locked in her room crying, and if not, she was around the house falling over or jibbering away to herself

I'm currently in college now but after my LC I wanted to look for work, so I signed on since college didn't really appeal to me (I had points but just didn't want to go). This was probably one of the worst years of my life. I had to constantly spend money trying to keep the house going, and my mother also became very bitter towards me. I'll get into that in a bit. I spent a year mainly being depressed and it was terrible. I decided something had to be done, but I was stopped time and time again by my older brothers and sisters whenever I told them, they told me not to worry and not to inform my grandmother (my mother's mother), as she would collapse or die from shame if she found out. Eventually she did find out after months of arguing, and after some more arguing my mother was sent to rehab for 3 months. She also lost her job and has not got one back yet, so is on the social for now

Now to get onto the arguing and the bitterness I spoke of. My younger sister and I are the only ones who speak to my father out of the family. After the divorce my mother got custody of the kids but we got to visit my father during the week and on Saturdays. For some mad reasons my other siblings stopped visiting him. My mother and her side of the family have no time for my father and constantly bitch about him, it's getting better through the years but as I got older they just stopped doing it to my face and just behind my back. My mother and family constantly cite him as being a terrible influence on me, that he has me brainwashed and that I don't need him and that he has me ruined. All direct quotes by the way. Whenever I'm upset or annoyed the first conclusion jumped to is that it's my Dad's fault, people will ask me "is Dad annoying you?" or "is that man at you?!"

My father was a violent man at home and I witnessed countless acts of terrible domestic violence and fighting growing up. I have no objection that it was for the best that my parents divorced but I have since forgiven my father and moved on and want to have a relationship with him . This is annoying because I ask my Da for advice a lot, especially about my mother's drinking, he expressed worry about my mother and only wants what is best for his kids. He told me to tell my older brother and sister, but he also has extreme hatred for my mother's side of the family, especially my grandmother. He constantly tells me how my mother's side of the family hate him and despise him for something he did 14 years ago, and he runs me down to them in terrible fashion, sometimes for hours on end. I just sit there and say yeah ok and go into another zone. It's not fair that I have to listen to crap from both sides of my family about the other side It's gone on too long

When I told my older siblings that I told my father and he gave me advice they got angry with me and said it was none of his business and that he has no right knowing the running or proceedings of our family, and then continued to curse him. I said he has a right to know since his young kids (me and my younger bro aged 17 and my younger sister aged 13/14 at the time) were involved. They of course denied me this and said not to tell him any more, and that he is only going to brainwash me to hurt my mother, since that's the influence he has on me. This is what I mean. Every single action in my life is apparently "controlled" by someone else, whether it be my father, acting out on his hatred for my mother's family puts me up to "terrible things", or the other way around (this is what my family say about me behind my back, I'm not writing that literally, hence the inverted commas). This is how people see stupid old me in the family. I'm nothing but a tool or a puppet stuck in the middle being pulled by both sides, a double crosser and informant. I've been labelled a squealer and tell tale by my siblings for telling my Dad stuff or my problems. They hate him and deep down there is a scorn and resentment put on me (not so much my younger sister as my father doesn't treat her like he does me, not in a bad way, he just has more in depth and more prying conversations with me) for speaking to him. I hate this after so many years and want my family to stop

When of course my grandmother found out about my mother's drinking and she was sent to rehab, my grandmother then lectured me and my sister about how bad a man my father is etc, so I snapped. I let fly at her (not physically) that I've had enough of the crap and that I don't want to talk to her unless she has something nice to say. Everyone is afraid of my grandmother and was absolutely stunned I had stood up to her. She got extremely rude and I seen a side to her I never have, and since then she never really looks at me or talks to me, and I don't mind. Of course I've heard her talk about me saying it's of course my father putting me up to it, about his bad influence on me, and of course my older siblings agree. I'm just so sick and tired of this mentality after 14 years and it still gets me down most if not every day!

Regarding my father, I know he does not live at home so I have a soft spot for him since when I visit him I never object to him or get angry with him, even when he annoys me. He does constantly ask me questions about the house, what everyone is doing, where they where, their business in general. I of course just answer him even though he is asking compromising questions. I'm afraid to say I don't want to answer these questions because I answered them the last 14 years (I was 7 at the time when he first used to get information out of me, he used to sometimes make me read my mother's text messages when I was a kid, I didn't know any better ), and he will flip out and say "oh, are you turning into one of them now?(them being my mother's family). I know because this evening he started up as usual and I just said "I dunno" and gave no interest. He raised his voice and continued asking what was wrong with me, I said nothing, even though I wanted to shout out at the top of my lungs that it was his relentless annoying and questioning that has my blood pressure gone through the roof! He then said that I was beginning to be like my older brother, I was becoming cowardly and holding back vital information he has a right to know. He insulted me and my brother in one sentence. My brother is my brother but my father runs him down to me sometimes. What am I meant to do. I am sick of being the person who is caught in the middle. I'm sick of the being the tool or the scapegoat for people to throw accusations and stick labels on. I just want a relationship with both my parents and it's not at all fair on me I want to tell my Dad to just stop asking me such questions and that I don't care. He blackmails me and either throws it in my face or accuses me of not being a good son, and has kicked me out the last few times I tried to stand up to him.

My mother has been drinking again and dating her old ex. Her old ex is a known alcoholic in our town and is taking money off her (well she is giving it to him really!). The family are disgusted, and now my father is more annoying than ever. He constantly tells me hours on end how his 16 year old daughter (my sister) will not put up with that and that he has a right to her being safe etc. He constantly tells me to sort out my mother since I'm the only man for the job since the rest of my siblings are cowards and not willing to do it. I said no I don't want to do that, and he then continued to call me useless and a "f**ing idiot" to be exact. He said I have take childrens allowance off my mother every month since she will just drink it (which she is) and that he is powerless living away and that I'm the only one who can sort it. I don't want to. If I even do try and do something, which I don't, my actions will just be labelled as me being put up to it, which in a way I will be. My father is quite annoying with how he goes on, rants for hours on end and really puts a strain on my head. I don't like to deal with this.

I was the one who discovered my mother was drinking again and when I informed my mother's family and my siblings, the same thing happened again. They freaked out that my father knew. There was a family meeting called and my mother was simply ignored, but instead me and my sister mainly got lectures about how we are spoiled kids and to not question my mother's authority (even though she is blatantly going back to her old habits). I am fine, I can move out anytime but it is my younger sister I worry about, my mother is being let drink, no one wants to tackle her, she is handing money out to bad people and hanging around with them, and nothing is being said. I am so sick and tired of this family I want to leave. My father said I can't leave since my sister needs me and so does he. I AM SO FED UP

I have my own personal issues to deal with daily, currently I visited my GP and told him my main issues, I suffer from some anxiety and paranoia about how I look, I obsess over some situations and really hate msyelf, I want to change how I look everyday. Long story short I want to lose weight, I am overweight and hate it, I am currently on anti depressants for these issues, every day is a struggle for me without even my family issues on top of my normal problems. I have an appointment with a Councillor soon in 2 weeks. But I really have had urges to just leave home or just go away for a while and not talk to anyone in my family, I also had urges to just go drinking or do drugs or something to just get away from the problem, I'm just so unhappy and annoyed in life, nothing is right and I hate it, no one else in my family can relate since they're not in the same position

Miss Fluff

nothappyinlife wrote: »

He does constantly ask me questions about the house, what everyone is doing, where they where, their business in general. I of course just answer him even though he is asking compromising questions.

You have to stop doing this. I understand that you want to maintain a relationship with your father but if that relationship is based purely on him coercing you into telling tales (which are frankly none of his business and he should not be privy to) then that's not a relationship based on mutual respect. I'd make it quite clear to him that you want to build a relationship with him but that asking personal questions about his estranged family is an out-of-bounds topic and if he can't respect that then you really are not in a position to spend time with him. You said you witnessed countless acts of domestic violence growing up - this man has no right whatsoever to know anything about your mother or her business.

I also think (and I admire your concern for your little sister hugely) that you should look at getting your own place as a priority. I think you are so embroiled in all these domestic and familial issues that you probably can't see the wood from the trees. You would be way better off distancing yourself a little, forging a future for yourself and maintaining a close relationship with your sister but also concentrating on you and on your own needs. An addict has to help themselves after all and your father is a leech - you've got toxic codependency from both sides and it's YOU that needs to break that cycle. You won't know yourself if you move out hon

JudyD

What a tough situation.

I hope that writing it all out has helped to put it in a little perspective for you. I'm glad you're going to see a counsellor - because its too much to hold in one head!!

I can really only echo miss fluff - you need to put yourself first. It's not fair to be caught in the middle and its certainly not fair to abused, manipulated and bullied from all sides. Get out and establish yourself independently of your family. At that point you can start to break the cycle and forge a new way forward - hopefully setting the example for your younger siblings.

Good luck

danslevent

I think you should tell your father that you feel uncomfortable answering his questions and that if he wants to know that information, he should ask them himself.

You need to get away from your family but you can't really leave your younger sister in that toxic environment. Is there anyway she could live with your Dad? Or your grandmother?