Mum has cancer

tontor

My mother has had cancer for the past two years. She's a very positive person and sometimes it is often forgotten that she even has it. She keeps busy with housework and knitting, and my dad is there to help her out.

She doesn't have a great relationship with my aunts and uncles. I find them very selfish people, they all live nearby and the few times they bother visit her, its to moan about their own problems. I think she's really lonely.

I was so busy the last two years with work and college that I haven't been home often enough to help her out. I feel so terrible about it. In September I start a 3 year training contract with an accounting firm. I'll definitely never get home to see her when I start because it is well known nobody has a personal life when in training.

I'm sick of being poor and would love to start earning a proper wage. Also I hate my hometown, its the most miserable place I know. I was very depressed when I lived there. But I think I should ask to defer my training contract for a year and be there for my mam. She told me not to cos she doesn't want to be a burden, but thats her way.

I don't know whether to ask for a year out, I don't know how my employers will react. I also hate the thoughts of living back home, but I'm trying to not be selfish. So confused as to what to do

spence101

Hey OP, very sorry to hear about your mother, I am in a similar situation as my mother has been battling cancer for the past 18 months.

Unfortunately my mother has slowly been losing her independence so I took the decision to take a year out about 7 months ago and concentrate on looking after her. It was an easy decision for me really, my brother had just started in a new company and my dad needed to work to pay the bills.

But my college work and ability to look for work have severely been hindered and I know I'm going to have a giant gap on my cv which I'm going to have to work extra hard to fill. But I don't mind, because at the end of the day, its family and I love her and she would have done the same for me.

As for your situation, unfortunately you probably wont be too much help if you fall into a depression (believe me, i know!!).

If you defer this contract, who knows how your employer will react and it is an employers market out there really.

Without knowing the ins and outs of your situation but comparing it to my own situation, I really would recommend you take the training position. Personally I have zero regrets about my own decision, but I never had to turn down any opportunities which you have earned.

If you decide to stay at home your mother will feel like the cancer that has taken so much from her is now taking away from her son/daughter which is likely to make her feel guilty in the end.

But do try to make as much time as possible to see her, not only for your mother but for yourself also.

I really hope it works out for yourself and your family.

Daisy M

I think you need to start looking at things a little differently. As a mum I would hate for one of my children to let a great opportunity pass them by for me however I would be so proud and touched that the would do such a huge thing for me. I think if your mum is doing ok you should take the course I know it will be hard and yes they will require a lot more than 100% from you but you will have free time at weekends and annual holidays. I dont doubt that you will have studying to do during these times but you could go home and do it there. I think you need to make sure that while you are dedicated to your work you are also dedicated to yourself and your family.
Make the most of your time with your mum till sept maybe you could show her how to use email and skype if she already doesnt know how. And maybe you could use this time to get a little ahead for your course?

Best of luck with everything.

LegacyUser

OP is your mothers family aware how bad her condition is and what support she needs? I ask because my Aunt had something similar happen with our family. Large family lots of brothers and sister living near by but they offered her little support when she developed cancer. Their general view was she didn't look that ill. They had to be sat down by other family members and told to cop on.

I know it's hard not to be there for her but all this stress your having over her condition is going to transfer to her. She's still your mother and she most likely wants to see you get on with your life and if you stay home and become depressed it may upset her and worsen her condition. You need to have a sit down with both your parents and talk about what is happening with your mums health and what support both she and your dad need right now and in the coming year and beyond. There are cancer charities and support groups out there that offer support, consider speaking to one of them.

beks101

Hi OP,

I'm really sorry to hear about your Mum.

I would echo what others have said and do what's really right for you. You know your Mum wants only what's best for you and as others have said, you putting your life on hold will probably make her feel worse.

You can still make the effort to be there for her even if you're working 60 hours a week. If it was me, I would try to call her every day, no matter what the circumstances. Set aside 30 minutes in the morning or evening of 'mum' time when you skype or call for a chat. Send her regular emails. Send her photos. Just keep her in the loop in your life, let her know all about the new job, tell her about friends, boyfriends etc. My mum isn't sick thank God but as I live abroad, she worries incessantly, and keeping her in the loop like that makes such a difference to her day.

I wish the very best in recovery to your Mum xx

CathyMoran

This is a tough one - I am a mother of two young children but also a 5 year cancer survivor. My mother in law was diagnosed about 2 years ago and her children are a lot older - most of them have moved closer to home but their lives have not stopped though they skype and meet up more often.

tontor

Thank you for all your replies.

Unfortunately no amount of talking will get through to our extended family. They're the type of people I would have forgotten about and moved on from years ago, but I know my Mam would love them to call in and visit, or phone her even.

I just feel mam has always had tough breaks and could do with a helping hand for once. I can see her getting weaker lately, she definitely needs help. Also I'd love to try get her out of the house a bit more.The only time she does leave is to go to the shop or hospital and I can see her getting fed up with it. It's hard for Dad to everything because he also has to work.

My employers have sponsored my masters and I'm hoping that because they already spent money on my education I mightn't be so indispensable. But its still a risk to ask I think.

tontor

I'm also sorry to hear about your mother's illness spence101. I wish her and your family all the best.

tontor

I'm also sorry to hear about your mother's illness, spence101. I wish her and your family all the best.

PickledLime

tontor wrote: »

My mother has had cancer for the past two years. She's a very positive person and sometimes it is often forgotten that she even has it. She keeps busy with housework and knitting, and my dad is there to help her out.

She doesn't have a great relationship with my aunts and uncles. I find them very selfish people, they all live nearby and the few times they bother visit her, its to moan about their own problems. I think she's really lonely.

I was so busy the last two years with work and college that I haven't been home often enough to help her out. I feel so terrible about it. In September I start a 3 year training contract with an accounting firm. I'll definitely never get home to see her when I start because it is well known nobody has a personal life when in training.

I'm sick of being poor and would love to start earning a proper wage. Also I hate my hometown, its the most miserable place I know. I was very depressed when I lived there. But I think I should ask to defer my training contract for a year and be there for my mam. She told me not to cos she doesn't want to be a burden, but thats her way.

I don't know whether to ask for a year out, I don't know how my employers will react. I also hate the thoughts of living back home, but I'm trying to not be selfish. So confused as to what to do

Sorry to hear of your troubles, it's a bridge we all come to at some point, but that doesn't make it any easier

I was in a similar situation a few years back, my Dad was diagnosed with cancer in Dec 08, died Nov 09. I put a lot of stuff on hold for him, then decided to move back with my Mum to keep her company after he died. She died suddenly in July of last year. I'm so thankful for that bit of time i put aside for them. I'm picking things up that i should've been doing a few years back, but that's the thing - my life is still there and i can move forward how i want now, but i only had that one last chance for time with my folks. When you look back on it in years to come, you won't be thinking about how much you hate your hometown, you'll be thinking how you shared that time with your Mum.

I can't say it was easy (far from it, it was - and still is - the most difficult time of my life), but it was absolutely worth it. Hope you can make the choice that's right for yourself, take care