have I done something?

LegacyUser

Hey all,
Met a fella a few months back and we really clicked. Met out a few times, he seemed really keen searched me out on facebook, and kinda stalking my page etc. We got on quite well similar interests and personalities. Due to work constraints it was hard to arrange meeting up, both of us were quite keen to maintain it as casual nothing serious at the beginning. Things got a bit more heated between us and we took it further, and it seemed to be going good. I started to fall for him and I got the impression from his behaviour that he liked me too. He stayed over a few times and we had great nights and mornings talking cuddling and much more (obviously ;-) ).
So whats gone wrong? From us having daily contact and regular meeting, the past week he has just dropped off the radar. He knows alot of personal info on me and knew that this week was going to be a tough one for me circumstance wise. Knew the situation was coming up and had been supportive in advance. Now he's just gone missing. No replies to texts nothing. I'm obviously affected by the stress of the week i'm having and had been approaching this week with hope and was not as stressed out because I knew he was around. I felt our relationship was really going somewhere. In case it seems like he was getting put into my stressful situation, and i'm sorry I cant elaborate on what that actually is, I didn't expect him anything off his this wk but would have appreciated a text even. I never said to him that i'd need him or i'd need extra support. I guess I just assumed our relationship was at the stage he'd know to even just send a text to say 'hey thinking of you hope all ok'.
Except nada. He's just completely taken to ignoring me. And i'm truly at a loss why. He seemed so bloody keen. Things were taken slowly we both were happy enough with how things were progressing. I probably would have been far quicker to take the next step but he was really respectful and when we actually did first sleep together it was really lovely. I got into a spring clean earlier and deleted lots of facebook friends. When I saw him on my list in a fit of impulse I decided to unfriend him. Cowardly yeah I know I just ask him what the hell has gone on, but i've lost all my courage and just cant face asking him. So now i'm sitting here in my house, wondering what the hell went wrong. I live with my cousin and she is astounded at the fact he just disappeared. She met him every time he's stayed and she also thought that there was at least a great friendship between me and him. I'm in tears writing this. I've been hurt badly before I let someone into my life who treated me so awfully but I let it continue.
I've kept up a guard ever since and this lad is the first lad ever to break it down in a long long time. Oh god i'd rambling. I dont know what I want you lovely people of boards to advise me. Is it just thats he's not into me? If so is it that hard to text and say so?
Obviously there is a chance we'll bump into each other, similar social circles and all. I'm in fear of meeting him incase I start crying. I'd been so bloody aloof and nonchalant about the relationship thinking there is no pressure on either of us but now that he has gone awol I an wondering should I have told him i'd really started to fall for him? Is this all my own fault?
Thank you for reading this far!

username123

noantidote wrote: »

Is this all my own fault?

No. How could it possibly be your fault? You are not responsible for the behaviour of someone else.

There are 2 possibilities:
1 - something has happened and he cant get in touch. In my day, before mobile phones and social networking, this was a real possibility, but these days, between mobiles, facebook, email etc, even if the person themselves couldnt get in contact, someone close to them would post something somewhere and youd know whats going on. Or you would at least know that other people also couldnt contact them from posts on their facebook page, etc. So in todays world, unless the person is very much off the social networking radar - its unlikely something has happened. However, the possibility exists, so its important to be open to hearing it out.

2 - he is just blanking you. There are a number of reasons that people do this - at least, there are a number of reasons Ive seen for this. Pure cowardice, they want to end the relationship but dont know how to say so, so they just disappear. Its massively rude and cowardly and if this is the reason, next time you see him you can hold your head high because he has acted like a complete a$$ and you have the higher moral ground.
There is the 'my life is more important than yours' you, so you get fully ignored like their life is too important to be keeping up with you, and then maybe in a week or two they are back, as full on as before - only bothering with you when it suits them. If he is one of these - dump him instantly. You are worth more than that.
Then there is the manipulation reason, if you are willing to take them back after that they know you are a doormat and will take any amount of bad treatment, again, dumping is the only answer here.

No matter what it is, you havent done anything to deserve being blanked. Its the rudest, most nasty, lowest behaviour going, and only a hugely disrespectful coward would do it.

LovelyLottie

You haven't done anything to deserve this behaviour (well obviously i don't know the ins and outs of your relationship but unless you did something glaringly obvious, you can rule out blaming yourself).

Who knows why he's acting like this. But some men, when they decide that a relationship is getting too much for them or they're not into it anymore, they decide to just disappear and hope that you'll get the message that way, rather than having the balls to just end it.

Again i stress that i clearly don't know what's going on with him, but as an outsider it looks like he has decided that he doesn't want to continue seeing you, and this is his (mean) way of communicating it to you.

Stop contacting him. If he comes back to you with no real valid explanation other than he was busy, stressed etc. - remember that if someone can do this type of thing once, they can do it again. And you will be doing yourself a massive disservice if you allow him the opportunity to treat you like this again.

If i were you i'd just chalk this one down to experience. It's a lesson learned, a hard one at that, but remember that there actually are kind, decent men out there that would never treat a girl like this. And in time you will meet one of those nice ones. Look after yourself.

LegacyUser

Hi all
So the weekend went by and not a dicky bird from him, I was weak and unblocked him on facebook we arent friends but just doesnt seem as extreme as blocking. bloody social networking it complicates everything

I went out last night and obviously as the night went on, I felt more and more upset and frustrated at his disappearing act. He is around and hasnt vanished he is posting away on facebook too (tiny bit of stalking by my friend). One of my mates decided while drunk to find out the story from him, and he just blanked her too. Weird. In one way that answers the situation with a finality. I have wasted the past few months on this lad who obviously is not who I thought he was. Like the posts from you both, and I really truly thank you for your honesty, a friend pointed out to me last night that whatever his situation I did not deserve this treatment and nor would I ever deserve it.

That obviously doesnt stop it from upsetting me and yeah I can be rational and say to myself he is so not worth it. Now I just have to pick up the pieces and try strengthen myself and get over him. That is gonna be hard, as he had become a large part of my life ( and my family are baffled by this too as they had met him on numerous occasions too - Ive just told them he wont be around anymore). My mam is gutted for me as she knew how hard it was for me to actually let my guard down with a fella, but I dont want to tell her the ins and outs. Bit of me hopes he will come back and have an amazing excuse and then it will all be ok again

Thanks to you both for helping me see the bigger picture. I definitely didnt do anything wrong, I know that for sure, or if I did it certainly wasnt something obvious because for the life of me I dont know what it is!
I just now need to keep my head up high, leave him out of my life and move on. Actually met a lovely lad last night who tried his best to cheer me up and make me smile all night so i know there are nice lads out there

Katgurl

Ok listen, what you are experiencing is a whole load of stress dumped on top of other stress.

Decide you're going to deal with him in a week or so when you can think straight. Dealing with him might involve just having a think or whatever I don't mean a disciplinary meeting

At the moment you probably can't think straight. Rally your cousin and whoever else for support for whatever it is this week.

Once this is over you can decide if you want an explanation or not from the bloke.

Mighty_Mouse

It would help if there was a more detailed description of what the relationship involved exactly. It sounds to me like a casual thing. A few nights spent together after some sporadic flirting over a brief couple of months.
IMO it was just a fling for him.
He liked you. Wanted to see if there was something more to it. But in the ended decided you weren't for him.
You clearly didn't see this coming and over-loaded expectation of a serious commitment too early. This has maybe scared him off.
Its cowardly for him to ignore you so take this as a clear sign as to the content of his character.

SineadMarie

No you havent, my ex did the exact same to me, it'll be 4 weeks now since it happened, i felt awful at the start. Just remember its not you and your better of without a cowardly whimp! You'll find someone who truly makes you happy and who deserves you. 4 weeks on and i feel a lot better and you will to. Best of luck