Overseas Weddings: Go or Not?

JustAThought

I have a friend for years; we were absolutely best friends : been living abroad for a few years now & the contact has got less & less. we didn't even get to talk or meet this Christmas. Lately we fell out over their lack of effort & then spoke & they said they were getting married (in Italy)& that they absolutely had to have me there; that it was really important to them. Same person never bothers to email or phone.
The wedding will be in an obscure hard to get to place in Italy & money is tight. Everyone else has fallen out with this person & so it will be a very small wedding : I don't expect to see much of them TBH once it's done. I feel like I'm being used for numbers. What to do? Has anyone else had this problem with weddings/friends/overseas costs & expectations to weddings?

El Weirdo

Have I wandered into Personal fucking Issues by mistake?

Sauve

If you can afford it without ending up completely broke, I'd go.

Make a holiday out of it with the wedding as just a small part. Don't think of it as whether or not they deserve your presence, but as whether or not you'd like/deserve to go on a mini-holiday to Italy...

phasers

Don't go! You clearly don't want to.

eth0

JustAThought wrote: »

Everyone else has fallen out with this person

There's probably a reason for this.

Abroad weddings are a remnant of the celtic tiger. More "hey look at us a wedding so fancy you have to go on a plane to get to it, no peasants allowed!" codology

Skid

JustAThought wrote: »

I have a friend for years; we were absolutely best friends : been living abroad for a few years now & the contact has got less & less. we didn't even get to talk or meet this Christmas. Lately we fell out over their lack of effort & then spoke & they said they were getting married (in Italy)& that they absolutely had to have me there; that it was really important to them. Same person never bothers to email or phone.
The wedding will be in an obscure hard to get to place in Italy & money is tight. Everyone else has fallen out with this person & so it will be a very small wedding : I don't expect to see much of them TBH once it's done. I feel like I'm being used for numbers. What to do? Has anyone else had this problem with weddings/friends/overseas costs & expectations to weddings?

Sometimes friendships come to a natural end. If he/she hasn't been making any effort to call or email (after your previous argument) it is probably not worth making a big effort just to facilitate them.

You shouldn't go to the Wedding unless you really want to. And it sounds like you don't want to.

Katgurl

Ah yes weddings abroad, a great trend, so much more affordable... For the happy f££king couple.

Don't go. If it's imperative you're there your mate should be paying for your flights and expenses.

Overseas weddings are optional.

Don't bother.

Zab

This will be a big deal to what remains of your friendship if you don't go. Everything so far has probably been reversible up to this stage but this one will stay with you. By all means choose not to go but don't fool yourself into thinking that it won't matter too much.

Caraville

I know people have various reasons for wanting to get married abroad, but I think it's terrible pressure to put your friends under. And I don't buy this "sure weddings are so dear in Ireland you may as well be going abroad"- that's fine for the couple getting married, but for the guests travelling it is in my ar$e cheaper- between flights, accommodation, meals out on the night before and after the wedding etc it costs a bloody fortune.

I dunno, I just think sometimes couples just see it as their day and their day only. If you're not considering the expense you're putting your guests under, then just feck off and elope and best of luck to ya. Shouldn't cost me the bones of a grand to see you get married. I wouldn't mind only I really like weddings and don't mind spending a reasonable amount on them. Spending over €300 is not a reasonable amount.

OP, if you can afford it and want to go- then go. I've a friend getting married abroad this summer- I really want to be there for her day as we've been friends for nearly 20 years, and being careful with my money I will be able to afford it. Still doesn't stop me thinking it's a very unfair thing for her and her fiance to want their friends and family to do.

SafeSurfer

Tell your community welfare officer that you have to go to a communion and that should cover the 300 snots needed.

Raditub

I'd go for the laugh..you mightnt be that close..but how often does that happen like?!?! I'd be on that plane and make the best of it! Crazy Party Time haha :P

Red21

F@ck um, they'll be alright

John Doe1

I say go and when the priest says any objections why these two shouldnt get married, you say "I fcucked him".;)

JustAThought

Huge thanks to everyone who commented & made suggestions. I'll be mulling it over with the discount airlines & a holiday hat on & see what the cost will be & then make a final decision . Part of me says f* it, but as someone said ; dont pretend it won't make a difference to what's left of the friendship. I think I'll be costing that out & seeing if I will invest a final x amount into the friendship & see where that brings it. I suppose it might be worth a final effort after all these years & memories.
I think once the door is shut that way; it can never really be reopened.

Thanks again.

Dublin Chick

I would simply say to them that you are dying to go but you won't be able to make it unless they pay for it....

SEPT 23 1989

How did you get on?

Duiske

eth0 wrote: »

There's probably a reason for this.

Abroad weddings are a remnant of the celtic tiger. More "hey look at us a wedding so fancy you have to go on a plane to get to it, no peasants allowed!" codology

Open to correction, but from my reading of the op it seems that the couple getting married may actually live in Italy ?

tigger123

If it meant that much to them that you were there, they'd also be in regular contact with you, so no, don't be putting yourself under undue financial stress to help fill out someone else's wedding album.

later12

JustAThought wrote: »

I have a friend for years; we were absolutely best friends : been living abroad for a few years now & the contact has got less & less. we didn't even get to talk or meet this Christmas. Lately we fell out over their lack of effort & then spoke & they said they were getting married (in Italy)& that they absolutely had to have me there; that it was really important to them. Same person never bothers to email or phone.

The wedding will be in an obscure hard to get to place in Italy

I'd be careful about this one. We had a wedding like this in my family and the only reason it was held in a church in the Scottish highlands, miles from the closest hotel, was specifically because he and she wanted an intimate family wedding in a remote (& beautiful) location, and whose location had weeded out the type of people you usually tend to get at a wedding whom you may have met less than a handful of times in your life.

About 300 guests were invited and less than 15% could make it. Everyone anticipated/ hoped for a figure that low, but it was important to (i) invite everyone and (ii) express regret in the most melodramatic way you can when the guests decline their invitations.

I'd just be careful here that there is not that sort of double-dealing going on. Couples sometimes may feel the need to appear enthusiastic, but try to consider whether the aim of marrying in Italy might not be, in part, the chance of having a small, close knit event with the type of people who, for example, they might have spent Christmas with, and with whom they have not fallen out.

Dudess

There are valid reasons for having a wedding abroad but I cannot understand why some people would do so for no other reason than "getting married abroad" (unless it's just them and handful of close people, but a full wack wedding including people who aren't even close? Seems crazy!)

I think you should have a chat with him/her to clear the air after the falling-out. After that, see how you feel. If they were a close friend it would be kinda bad form not to go, but then again, trip to Italy is a big expense for you given how the friendship has fizzled out considerably.

Nothingbetter2d

one of my brothers got married in gozo in malta a few years ago... we all went over for a week and had a great time... the weather was perfect too

also he had a wedding planner hired and it still cost him about half as much as it would in ireland

Dudess

Nothingbetter2d wrote: »

one of my brothers got married in gozo in malta a few years ago... we all went over for a week and had a great time... the weather was perfect too

also he had a wedding planner hired and it still cost him about half as much as it would in ireland

Sounds great, and nice one that it was good value for him and his wife, but big expense for many of the guests.

Nothingbetter2d

Dudess wrote: »

Sounds great, and nice one that it was good value for him and his wife, but big expense for many of the guests.

actually it didnt cost that much.... we had a plane chartered to take everyone over in one flight and the hotels were dirt cheap.

a bottle of beer over there was 30cents

Dudess

Nothingbetter2d wrote: »

Dudess wrote: »

Sounds great, and nice one that it was good value for him and his wife, but big expense for many of the guests.

actually it didnt cost that much.... we had a plane chartered to take everyone over in one flight and the hotels were dirt cheap.

a bottle of beer over there was 30cents

Sir, I'm sold!

Run_to_da_hills

You save on reception costs but you loose out on wedding presents.

Its Swings & roundabouts.

Ellis Dee

Back in 2001, a Dublin man and a Kerry woman, who then lived in San Francisco, decided to tie the knot - in Kathmandu. They invited me and I went. It was far and away the best wedding I've ever been at.:):):)

ejmaztec

When someone invites people to a wedding in the arsehole of nowhere, they know full well that most of the people won't accept the invitation because it's too much trouble, and what they're really after is a wedding-present on the cheap.

whatdoicare

Run_to_da_hills wrote: »

You save on reception costs but you loose out on wedding presents.

Its Swings & roundabouts.

Unless you, as a friend of mine did, have a pretend reception when you get home (well more like an afters- no meal or anything). This was purely done for receiving gifts. Didn't look bad at all (yes it did)

Run_to_da_hills

whatdoicare wrote: »

Unless you, as a friend of mine did, have a pretend reception when you get home (well more like an afters- no meal or anything). This was purely done for receiving gifts. Didn't look bad at all (yes it did)

In that case get smaller gifts.

gbee

Mamma Mia the remake.

And friends don't need to email or phone

whatdoicare

Run_to_da_hills wrote: »

In that case get smaller gifts.

Or tell them to cop on and spend my money on an xbox 360 instead!:D (true story)

JustAThought

!

JustAThought

gbee wrote: »

Mamma Mia the remake.

And friends don't need to email or phone

Oh yes they do!!!
Particularly if the live in the UK & you won't be bumping into them.
Occasional, at least, effort is required.
Otherwise it's not particularly a friendship anymore.
Unfortunately.
: (

Vahevala

My brother got married in Capetown last year, I hadn't the money to go so my brother and my Dad and Uncle all pooled their money together to pay for me to get out there, accommodation and food etc

It was the best holiday of my life and to see my brother's wedding was so special and a day I will never forget

Mike 1972

Dudess wrote: »

There are valid reasons for having a wedding abroad but I cannot understand why some people would do so for no other reason than "getting married abroad" (unless it's just them and handful of close people, but a full wack wedding including people who aren't even close? Seems crazy!)

Back in the day it was a good way to cut out the expense insanity of a reception/get away from interfering mammies until
1) The Celitc bubble ruined it :mad:
2) People discovered Cohabitation

Run_to_da_hills wrote: »

You save on reception costs but you loose out on wedding presents.

Sure those six toasters will always come in handy sometime.

ProudDUB

tigger123 wrote: »

If it meant that much to them that you were there, they'd also be in regular contact with you, so no, don't be putting yourself under undue financial stress to help fill out someone else's wedding album.

Bingo. If your friendship meant that much to them, they'd make a better effort to stay in touch with you. If they really do want you there it is for some selfish reason of their own, such as being able to brag to others about people thinking enough of them to go to their wedding.

Tell them that you'd love to go, but that sadly your finances prohibit any holidays for you this year. Or that you have already booked a holiday this year and that you can't afford another one. If they don't keep in touch with you how will they ever find out what you are up regarding your holliers? If you keep it simple and tell them that you just can't afford to go full stop, and they hold it against you, they are not worthy of being your friends in the first place. Despite the memories and the history, just let the relationship go.

Seanchai

eth0 wrote: »

Abroad weddings are a remnant of the celtic tiger. More "hey look at us a wedding so fancy you have to go on a plane to get to it, no peasants allowed!" codology

That's a lot of bad judgement, paranoia and chips on your shoulder in a couple of sentences.

carbon nanotube

JustAThought wrote: »

I have a friend for years; we were absolutely best friends : been living abroad for a few years now & the contact has got less & less. we didn't even get to talk or meet this Christmas. Lately we fell out over their lack of effort & then spoke & they said they were getting married (in Italy)& that they absolutely had to have me there; that it was really important to them. Same person never bothers to email or phone.
The wedding will be in an obscure hard to get to place in Italy & money is tight. Everyone else has fallen out with this person & so it will be a very small wedding : I don't expect to see much of them TBH once it's done. I feel like I'm being used for numbers. What to do? Has anyone else had this problem with weddings/friends/overseas costs & expectations to weddings?

was in nora buri resort in krabi in december with my thai lady, would not say no to a wedding there....