Controlling parent at 25

LegacyUser

Hey folks. Have to go unregistered for this one as certain people know the name I post under. I've been having a bit of trouble at home recently and I thought I'd throw up a post to see what others might have done when/if they were in my situation. Okay so;

I'm just over 25 and have lived at home my whole life. I also work full time and I pay my parents a small monthly rent. I'll point out that I would love to get free and move out, but unfortunately it's something I can't afford at the moment. My parents (read: mother) have always been pretty controlling, understandably (when I was younger), with the aim of ensuring I always did the right thing and that they wanted me to keep on the right path. I always thought that their control was something that would lessen as I got older, but it hasn't.

Recently I started going out with a girl a few years younger than me. Things are going really great, and I'm delighted I've met her. She tells me the same. My mother however, isn't a fan and has told me that she doesn't want me with her. I generally just ignore my mother's foolish ranting and usually it goes away, but this hasn't stopped. From what I can gather, through all my anger, is that my mother thinks that my girlfriend is 'low class' (in her opinion) and that she wants me dating someone who she thinks is better. She thinks I'm blind to this for some reason and that I cannot see what she sees, somehow I've become delusional. I've tried talking to her, pointing out that she's being a snob (in different terms), how she should be happy that I am happy, but she only shouts and insists that she doesn't want me bringing my girlfriend over to the house. I supposedly cannot date who I want to date while I'm living under her roof.

I'm at a complete loss as to what to do. Anything I say to her goes in one ear and out the other, while her words anger me. In an ideal world, all I want is for her to accept that I'm happy and for her to be happy for me.

So, forgive my rant, but I don't really have anyone to talk to about this one as I find it pretty embarrassing that my mother could be so ignorant. My girlfriend knows nothing about it and maybe in time I will have to tell her, but I don't think that time is anywhere close. Has anyone managed to deal with something similar?

surely if you work full time you can afford to move to a houseshare

it's time for you to move out and cut the strings - it's your mother's house at the end of the day and if she won't have her over and you've tried talking to her there is nothing else to be done

Miss Fluff

If you're working full-time then you can afford to move out. And at 25 that is clearly what you need to do. How long are you intending to stay under the parental wing as a matter of interest? At this age you should be long gone tbh.

quartz1

Your problem is not uncommon but it would appear important that you tackle it now for the sake of your own future happiness. You have a right and duty to be your own person and make your own decisions including mistakes even if yhats yhe case .

LegacyUser

I agree, moving out would solve all my problems. Unfortunately I earn just above minimum wage and I'm still paying off my college debt. I'm working towards getting a decent job, but I haven't managed to find one so far.

Thanks for the advice though.

Beruthiel

Who you date is none of your mothers business, I know my daughter wouldn't be long telling me that if I were to dream of interfering like your mother.
I suggest that the next time she brings the subject up, tell her it's off the table. You will no longer be discussing your relationship with her. Then stick to your guns.
And yes, move out asap.

Miaireland

I agree with the others move out asap, renting a room in a house may not be as costly as you think.

With regards to your mother not wanting your girlfriend in the house I am afraid you have to respect that.

However I would not discuss your relationship with her anymore.

judgefudge

Hey, I can relate to the situation. I'm almost 24 and just moved out recently. My parents were quite controlling, constantly needing to know where I was. They disliked my boyfriend and didn't want him over at the house.

Unfortunately if she's unwilling to be reasonable its just going to be something you have to grin and bear until you reach a point where you can afford to move out. I'm earning just under minimum wage and manage to afford living in a houseshare situation. I know it depends on how much you can afford to pay rent and where you live but it really would be worth looking into your options. Its a pity that family can be like this but it sounds to me like you really need your own space. Good luck!!

Neyite

It seems like an OTT reaction from your mother:

wrote:

she only shouts and insists that she doesn't want me bringing my girlfriend over to the house. I supposedly cannot date who I want to date while I'm living under her roof.

Could there be any history - eg between your mum and your girlfriends mum? From the sounds of it, your mother has never met your girlfriend? Or is this the first girlfriend you have discussed at home?

Either way, I wouldnt even give your mother the satisfaction of being in the same room as her when she kicks off about your girlfriend. The first few times she does it, be very clear, in a calm tone of voice that you dont want to hear it, then leave the room. After a few times just leave the room without a word.

As for your girlfriend - I wouldnt tell her, that would be hurtful to know that some woman she barely knows hates her so much for little reason. Its not your fault that your mother is behaving irrationally regarding your private life and its not your girlfriends either.

quartz1

its the awfully common of a mother not wanting to lose her adult child and the situation requires you to lay down the boundaries for the emotional health of you both. it can be difficult to lay these boundaries but no doubt its work that you need to do

dafunk

Move out. You want to be treated as an adult yet you're still dependent on your folks. Paying your rent will probably equate to an extra shift in work, personally I'd be willing to work an extra shift or a second job to have my independence

Big Bag of Chips

Look around for "room to rent" type ads. You'll find something. Not everyone who's on the minimum wage still live at home! It IS doable.

And in the meantime stop discussing your gf with your mother. You know she doesn't like her, she upsets you by running her down, she's not going to say anything nice about her so just stop discussing it.

If your mam starts on about her, change the subject or suddenly "have something to do" and remove yourself from the room!

qwertytlk

Your mother is being way to interfeering and possesive...your 25 for godsake! I know you say you cant afford to move out but its not as exensive as you think. I used to share a 4 bed house. My rent was 50 per week, 200 per month. I used to put 10 away each week toward the esb bill which came every 2 months and was divided equally between everyone. The money id saved for it would usually be more than enough. That was the only bill, apart from food. Which, for one person is pretty cheap anyway. Even if your paying off college debt, surely you could still afford this. I dont see how you couldnt?! Maybe you just dont want to ,ove out yet, and if thats the case then thats fine. But if you dont want to leave your mothers house then unfortunatley you will just have to put up with her. You say shes been this way all your life so tbh its unlikely she will change now!anyway, its her house so if she says she doesnt want someone in it then thats her choice. Its unfortunate, but if you want to stay at home then this is the crap you just have to put up with! Try talking to her again anyway as it wont do any harm to let her know how you feel, but i wouldnt hold your breath expecting her to change.
Best of luck