Is it ok for him to ignore Valentines Day?

Lolajay

So - I'm seeing a guy since the end of November....It's more than casual sex, but it's moving really slowly, We haven't had a conversation to say that we are a couple but it feels like we are headed that way....he is not seeing anyone else and either am I. There seems to be an issue with him discussing his feelings about anything - he'll send me messages saying "Hey Gorgeous" and he's said things like "You're a gem" but he's never actually told me he likes me.....He's a real lad and I am kind of expecting him to ignore Valentines Day. I'd LOVE him to do something but I'd probably fall off the chair if I even get a card. My friends think this is kind of unacceptable - I am getting a bit frustrated with the lack of relationship progress anyway but I like him enough to feel like he's worth it.

If, as I expect - he ignores Valentines Day - Should I mention it? I've gotten him a card but I'm not sure I'll be comfortable giving it to him unless he gives me one!

some of us male or female don't care about valentines
why dont you say to him "so are we doing anything tomorrow? id like to"?
he's not psychic like

Lolajay

I'm not a big Valentiner myself - I don't want to be brought out; I just mean - It would be nice to get a card or something

I know he's not psychic but I'm not going to ask him if he's planning on giving me a Valentines card...It's not really how I want that to go down :D

Squiggler

You've described it as a fairly casual relationship so, unless he feels differently about it and where things are going, you're probably right not to be expecting anything.

There's nothing to prevent you sending/giving him a card if you feel so inclined. Otherwise you could treat yourself to some "Valentines" treats.

Dravokivich

Sorry OP, I just can't help but think "why are you waiting till valentines day to validate your relationship with him?"

You appear to want something more formal than what's currently happening between you two. If so, I'd be inclined not to wait for a gesture on a once off day.

Lolajay

Lolajay wrote: »

I'm not a big Valentiner myself - I don't want to be brought out; I just mean - It would be nice to get a card or something

I know he's not psychic but I'm not going to ask him if he's planning on giving me a Valentines card...It's not really how I want that to go down :D

right, but he doesnt know you want to do anything, so you need to say it
you dont need to ask "am i getting a card" just "are we doing anything to mark v day"
for your other issues you need to sit down and talk about them with him as drav said

The Lovely Muffin

Dravokivich wrote: »

Sorry OP, I just can't help but think "why are you waiting till valentines day to validate your relationship with him?"

You appear to want something more formal than what's currently happening between you two. If so, I'd be inclined not to wait for a gesture on a once off day.

I agree with this.

OP you really need to sit down with this guy and talk to him. Does he know you want a more formal relationship? Does he know you want to do something for Valentines Day?

You don't have to ask him if he is giving you a Valentines card, but you could ask if you are doing anything on that day or ask if he'd like to.

I am with my boyfriend seven months this month, but we were seeing each other for around three months before we were "official" and we took things slowly.

Maybe the guy you're seeing is doing the same, taking things slowly rather than rushing things.

Have you met any of his friends or family etc?

Lolajay

Thanks all, yea - you are all kind of on the money. I was going to say something to him over the weekend about the lack of progress - the r/ship moving slowly doesn't really bother me actually. I suppose i just want validation that we are on the same page.

We do see eachother 2-3 times a week and we talk every day either on the phone or by text - so casual in the sense that we don't discuss our feelings a whole lot but I think that's because both of us are shy. Or maybe I am shy and I don't really know what he is thinking?!

I decided not to say anything this weekend and see how things work out tomorrow...I kinda figure if he ignores Valentines Day altogether then maybe we are on different pages and I should point it out! But, I don't want to do that to him if it's unfair? Hence my thread on here!

Have I met his family and friends? I've met one of his friends and he invited me over to his apt one night when a good few of his mates were there but I got stuck in work and never made it.

I don't think there's an issue there actually.....I'm sure I'll meet them when I meet them

Miss Fluff

Lolajay wrote: »

I decided not to say anything this weekend and see how things work out tomorrow...I kinda figure if he ignores Valentines Day altogether then maybe we are on different pages and I should point it out!

OMG what a terrible approach. So you're going to let a day thought up by the card companies dictate how your relationship moves forward?

SineadMarie

Seems to me that you really want this to be more serious, he seems interested but on his terms only! Sounds familiar believe me i was in the same boat! Vals day is just one day if you want to get him a card then do but don't use it as a test to see if hes really into you! Ask him out straight where he sees it going and if he isnt sure then don't sell yourself short if thats not what you want

Lolajay

Miss Fluff wrote: »

OMG what a terrible approach. So you're going to let a day thought up by the card companies dictate how your relationship moves forward?

Well, no - because I think I would have said something sooner but I figured that I know he likes me so there is a possibility I have this all wrong and he might surprise me tomorrow so I figured I would sit tight and see...he's a good guy, I don't think he's necessarily wrong to ignore Valentines Day - I just mean, it might show that we are not on the same page or want different things....I'm not sure what to do, that's why i'm here

I don't plan on ending it all if he doesn't nothing tomorrow, I was just gonna be totally honest about how I feel and how much I've been questioning things which is quite unlike me.....

If we are headed in different directions then surely that's the right thing to do?

Miss Fluff

Lolajay wrote: »

I don't think he's necessarily wrong to ignore Valentines Day - I just mean, it might show that we are not on the same page or want different things....I'm not sure what to do, that's why i'm here

I am getting married later this year to the love of my life, I feel so blessed. We're not seeing each until Friday and last week he suggested a really fancy tasting lunch in a posh restaurant to "make up for not being together on Valentines".....I was like "Don't you dare Mr. Fluff!" I am quite a romantic person but Valentines leaves me cold. I said to him get me a card if he wants but I simply don't buy into it and the best gift for me is for him to continue being so loving and kind and thoughtful the remaining 364 days of the year as he is already. I said we can have a cook off at home and get nekkid instead. So whether your boyfriend buys into Valentines and you do/don't or visa versa is not indicative of whether you have a future or not. FORGET about Valentines, have that chat with him rather than seeing what transpires tomorrow as it will invariably be the wrong thing by the sounds of it. Why don't you ask him straight out "so are we doing anything for Valentines?" and then let that be your opening for a proper conversation....!

Neyite

Seems like an awful lot of unnecessary worry, thought process and unfair judgement of the lad going on here, its not even valentines day yet and you have already more or less decided:

• He is not going to do anything for the day
• What you think he meant by the lack of this future gesture
• What the lack of this future gesture it means to your relationship
• and what your reaction will be.

It feels like some sort of "test" for him to pass to please you - You deliberately never mentioned to him how important Valentines day is to you (and it is, otherwise you would not be posting this PI) and are waiting for him to let you down.

Toto Wolfcastle

If he doesn't do something for Valentine's Day it doesn't mean you're not on the same page.

In fact, if you haven't spoken to him about it then as far as he's concerned you are on the same page. If you don't tell him that you want to celebrate it then how is he meant to know? Plenty of people don't celebrate it.

Focus on actually communicating with him rather than preempting his failure to do what you want him to do.

blatantrereg

Things are undefined between you. It's unfair to object to not getting a card after the event.

If you'd like a card then indicate that you'd like a card. Of course asking directly would make you feel foolish. However you could ask him what he thinks of valentine's day; then mention that you like it even though it's silly and can be a bit contrived, you still enjoy valentine's-y things. [Just an example].

Keeping things undefined can be nice however it results in a level of guesswork with situations like this. Valentine's Day is a bit irritating if you are enjoying being in an undefined kinda thing with someone. It demands definition of the relationship a little. Acknowledging it defines things a bit. Not acknowledging it might also define things.

It's an external public pressure on something private and personal. That strikes me as a bad thing. Your friends' opinions are also an external pressure on something private and personal. It's probably best to ignore such external pressures and think about both of your own thoughts and feelings.

LegacyUser

Your relationship is based on more than casual sex but things are moving slowly.
Does your other half think he is in a relationship or does he see you as some one to have sex with until something better comes along?
Are you hoping that Valentines day will give you some answers for a question or talk you are unwilling to have with him.
At this stage if he does not make some effort for you on Valentines Day or over the next few days would do the following. I would tell him that you want to know where you stand, that you like him and that you want other people to know you are a couple. If he does not agree to this have the courage to tell him that you don't like been used and you won't be around the next time he wants sex.

Lolajay

Bobblehead Panda wrote: »

If he doesn't do something for Valentine's Day it doesn't mean you're not on the same page.

In fact, if you haven't spoken to him about it then as far as he's concerned you are on the same page. If you don't tell him that you want to celebrate it then how is he meant to know? Plenty of people don't celebrate it.

Focus on actually communicating with him rather than preempting his failure to do what you want him to do.

Thanks to all who have replied.

I suppose you all do make a lot of sense. I think maybe I don't even really know how I feel and yes - my friends, well best friend in particular keeps saying "I think you should dump him"

Then she talks for 10 minutes about all the fabulous Valentines gestures her boyfriend is making and I just feel totally ****.

She means well though and has been a solid ear for me!

But when she says to dump him I know that right now I just couldn't a) I like him too much and b)We haven't even had a fight so that would be a little unfair and c) He's a good guy - and despite my complaints and pondering I appreciate how hard they are to come by - especially ones you fancy rotten and have lots of fun with.

I didn't actually expect the reaction I got from this thread but I'm really glad I posted it now. I'll lay off about Valentines day - it's not a big deal I suppose. I'll just wait for an opportune moment to try and start a conversation about where we're headed.

I really appreciate all the replies, thanks for stopping me doing something daft!

ps - if anyone has any advice on how to start said conversation - pleeeease

Miss Fluff

Lolajay wrote: »

I suppose you all do make a lot of sense. I think maybe I don't even really know how I feel and yes - my friends, well best friend in particular keeps saying "I think you should dump him"

Then she talks for 10 minutes about all the fabulous Valentines gestures her boyfriend is making and I just feel totally ****.

She means well though and has been a solid ear for me!

But when she says to dump him I know that right now I just couldn't a) I like him too much and b)We haven't even had a fight so that would be a little unfair and c) He's a good guy

Good God, what are you listening to that harpy for? I get that she's a mate but why would you dump a perfectly good guy because she thinks you should? What age are you? And forget trying to compete, she obviously feels the need to go public about Valentines because she needs to project some kind of image to the world/is insecure.

Fair play for letting Valentines go, it's a marketing day. Maybe then afterwards (like at the weekend) say that it got you thinking about you guys and how well you are getting on and let the conversation happen organically from there....

Big Bag of Chips

Definitely if you haven't had "the conversation" yet, then that's the first thing that needs to be done.

After that you can decide what happens.

By your thread title I thought this was a long term bf/husband who ignores Valentine's day every year even though he knows it means something to you!

At least give him the chance to ignore it, before you start asking is it ok, or not! Have the conversation, see what happens.. you never know, he might already think you are official!

Lolajay

Yip you all make lots of sense!

Well, for what it's worth....having not discussed V day! I got a text this morning wishing me a Happy Valentines Day - Also saying he didn't realise it was today until he walked through town and he actually was wondering if it was Pancake Tuesday.

To be honest, I'm just happy it wasn't tactically ignored, that might have bothered me.

Anyway, that's neither here nor there, I'll put the rest of all your advice to practice over the next week or so - need to grow a pair

Miss Fluff

I think its good that he at least acknowledged it. It's still a fledgling relationship so even if he did know Valentines was fast approaching I am sure it has made him assess everything like you have and wondering what might be the right thing to do. Definitely have that chat over the next few weeks.

I'm all for taking things slowly as well but after three months you should both have some idea of whether you want it to progress so maybe all of this has been a blessing in disguise and the catalyst needed to have the "chat". Hope it works out well for you.

I am a friend

Miss Fluff wrote: »

a day thought up by the card companies

Just because you are not into it doesnt mean the OP cant be.... It means the above to you but often means something to other people.

Miss Fluff

I am a friend wrote: »

Just because you are not into it doesnt mean the OP cant be.... It means the above to you but often means something to other people.

Did you actually read any of the thread?

symbolic

Lolajay wrote: »

he actually was wondering if it was Pancake Tuesday.

I have to ask, why did he think it was Pancake Tuesday?

Anyway good stuff that he wished you a Happy one.

Big Bag of Chips

symbolic wrote: »

Lolajay wrote: »

he actually was wondering if it was Pancake Tuesday.

I have to ask, why did he think it was Pancake Tuesday?

Anyway good stuff that he wished you a Happy one.

Well he's not too far off, its next Tuesday!

I think he was probably telling a little white lie, but only because he was as awkward/unsure about it as you were.

Next year it will be different for you two

JajaD

Lolajay wrote: »

So - I'm seeing a guy since the end of November....It's more than casual sex, but it's moving really slowly, We haven't had a conversation to say that we are a couple but it feels like we are headed that way....he is not seeing anyone else and either am I. There seems to be an issue with him discussing his feelings about anything - he'll send me messages saying "Hey Gorgeous" and he's said things like "You're a gem" but he's never actually told me he likes me.....He's a real lad and I am kind of expecting him to ignore Valentines Day. I'd LOVE him to do something but I'd probably fall off the chair if I even get a card. My friends think this is kind of unacceptable - I am getting a bit frustrated with the lack of relationship progress anyway but I like him enough to feel like he's worth it.

If, as I expect - he ignores Valentines Day - Should I mention it? I've gotten him a card but I'm not sure I'll be comfortable giving it to him unless he gives me one!

Obviously this is just my opinion but it sounds like he has no intention of being in a relationship with you. If all he's saying is 'your a gem' etc it sounds like he is happy with just getting sex off you. If it was anything more than sex for him then you'd know by now how u mean to him. When a lad likes a girl she usually doesnt have to guess whether or not he does.

symbolic

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

Well he's not too far off, its next Tuesday!

True!

I just had this image of him walking through town this morning, seeing flowers and heart shapes everywhere and thinking...hmmm is it pancake tuesday.