Finacé won't discuss the future.

LegacyUser

I'm engaged to my long term boyfriend of ten years. We are getting married early next year. We don't and never have lived together (mutual decision). He doesn't want to plan for where we'll live or when to have a family. I love him and I want to be his wife but whenever he doesn't want to discuss things, he just won't. I had to wait for him to discuss getting engaged and married for a long time because he didn't want to talk about this. Is this a problem or just the way he is?

nlk

I would say that it is both a problem and probably 'just the way he is'.

You have been together for 10 years and are engaged so I think it is highly irregular and also unacceptable that he would not discuss your future together.

Sorry OP but I would definitely see this as a major issue going forward.

Has he given any indication for his reason for not wanting to talk about it?

Does he know that you feel this is an issue?

I would definitely try and sort this out before you head down the aisle. Don't brush it under the carpet as it will be a lot harder to deal with once you are married.

LegacyUser

He is not great at talking about big things, never has been. But I love him and I've invested a lot in the relationship over the years. I don't mind waiting for him to want to talk but I want to know we can plan our lives together. I wonder if our remarriage course might help him to realise we need to plan things for us, not just when he's ready. But then I've never called him on this before so I think he's happy to keep things the way they are, but we need to decide where we are going to live as a married couple.

LovelyLottie

This relationship is 100% on his terms. And that's the way he likes it. Do you like it?

There is no way i'd consider this a good way to live my life. It's completely disrespectful of you as an individual, let alone a life-partner.

Do you not consider your desires, dreams and wishes worth being heard and discussed? By staying with this man - and by not voicing your opinions - you're tacitly agreeing with him that he's more important that you, in fact that he's the only thing that matters in this relationship. I find this baffling.

LegacyUser

He is good to me, I was sick a few years ago and he was there for me. He has been supportive in other ways. He just has a thing where if he doesn't want to discuss something, he won't, and I don't want to nag him into it because I know it won't work. We still have plenty of time to decide where to live, so maybe he just doesn't think it needs to be decided now. But I would like to start planning.

LegacyUser

We do communicate quite well. Planning the wedding we have discussed everything together, and when we plan holidays or breaks we also discuss things. Its just big things he has difficulty discussing with me. I only realised how he behaves when i was telling a married friend about the lack of discussion about where to live, she said her and her husband talked about all these kinds of things before they got married and discuss everything whether she or he wants to or not. But I've been okay with waiting for him to be ready to talk, so I just think we have a different relationship to my friend has.

Beruthiel

ISSUEORNOT wrote: »

We don't and never have lived together (mutual decision).

Have your really thought that through?
I would never take such a serious step as marriage without first confirming I am capable of living with the person first.
How else are you supposed to know whither they are a nightmare to live with or not?

He doesn't want to plan for where we'll live or when to have a family. I love him and I want to be his wife but whenever he doesn't want to discuss things, he just won't. I had to wait for him to discuss getting engaged and married for a long time because he didn't want to talk about this. Is this a problem or just the way he is?

A huge problem OP.
You would be crazy to marry someone who refuses to discuss a family home.
You have every right to know in advance where you are going to live.
Does he want children?
You should certainly find out why he is so reluctant to discuss your future together. This is a perfectly normal thing for couples to do, the fact he is avoiding the discussion should cause you to question what's going on with him.

LegacyUser

He says we don't need to talk about that now and he's not ready to talk about it. Same when I brought up marriage, he didn't want to talk about it because he said he wasn't ready, but he proposed a couple of years later. I knew I wanted to marry him and I still know I want to be his wife, but I just had to give him the time to decide himself. But this is a little different, because we will be marrying and living together within a certain timeframe so we need to do start making decisions. I would also like to have children, as would he, but he won't discuss when we should start trying for them. my friend kind of opened my eyes, she said they discussed where to live, children, what kind of marriage and relationship they wanted with their children before getting married but it made me realise when I bring up these things he just won't' talk about them until he is ready. But this has worked so far for us, maybe her relationship dynamic is just different.

Beruthiel

ISSUEORNOT wrote: »

my friend kind of opened my eyes, she said they discussed where to live, children, what kind of marriage and relationship they wanted with their children before getting married but it made me realise when I bring up these things he just won't' talk about them until he is ready.

The big problem here is, if you do not discuss all of the big issues before you get married, then you could find yourself in a marriage where you have such a different outlook to what married life means to you that your differences could be irreconcilable.
That would leave you in no mans land and looking for a divorce.
It would be dreadfully naive of you to marry someone first and then find out afterwards that it was a big mistake.

username123

ISSUEORNOT wrote: »

I'm engaged to my long term boyfriend of ten years. We are getting married early next year. We don't and never have lived together (mutual decision). He doesn't want to plan for where we'll live or when to have a family. I love him and I want to be his wife but whenever he doesn't want to discuss things, he just won't. I had to wait for him to discuss getting engaged and married for a long time because he didn't want to talk about this. Is this a problem or just the way he is?

Im sorry, I just cant get my head around this, why have you been going out with each other for TEN years without ever living together? Its not a long distance relationship is it? I just dont understand why you would go so far as to get engaged to each other, and not try out living with each other? What if you get married and discover that you dont like living with him? Would you not prefer to know that before you get married?

Why doesnt he want to plan for living together or having a family? Do you know why or are you just assuming that he doesnt want to make these plans because he doesnt talk about it?
What does he say if you ask him to talk to you about it?

What do you mean about 'having to wait' for him to discuss getting engaged and married? Did you want to get engaged for a long time before he did?

It just seems to me that if this is your life partner that he is not treating you with a whole lot of respect. You should be able to discuss everything and anything with him. And not just when he says so. I can (and on occasion do!) wake my husband at 3am to discuss something thats on my mind. He will discuss the most ridiculous things with me (like me in a blind panic about having to go to the dentist), and the most serious things with me, at any time, when I bring a subject up, or when he brings a subject up. I respect him, I respect him a lot, so if he comes to me - under any circumstances - and wants or needs to talk about something, we do. If its urgent Ill drop what Im doing, if not, we will arrange to chat later. I wouldnt want him worry warting to himself that he wanted to talk to me about something and I just wouldnt discuss it. Same goes for him with me.

What are you going to do when and if you two get married, move in together and you are upset about how he behaves in some way living together - and he refuses to discuss it? Are you just going to suffer in silence?

Its quite bullying behaviour, Im surprised that this man has found someone willing to marry him if he wont even discuss your future together. Its not very romantic either is it?

Sounds bizarre in the extreme to me, I hope you are happy because I doubt he will change, if he is like this 10 years.

Your life partner should be the person that you can be your most vunerable with, the person who sees you at your best and your worst, who listens to your fears and worries no matter how silly, and who wants to talk about your relationship with each other. Otherwise why would you marry him?

LegacyUser

Your going out with this guy for 10 years. Your getting married next year.
You have not lived together yet. You don't know where you will live when you get married.
He does not want to talk about things until his is ready.
Why would he change the habits allowed him to have for the past 10 years.
He has everything he wants in life.
Does he realise that you are getting married next year - does he think you will live back home and he will move back in with his mammy after the wedding.
Have you had sex with him yet? Is he a grown up man or a child?
I would ask him in front of your married friends where are you going to live next year after you get married. If he ignores you keeping asking the question in front of them.
I would tell him in front of your friends that your are not moving in with his parents or your parents after you get married. I would say in front of your friends and your parents that he either starts to talk to you about your future and you both start to make plans about your life after your married or there will be no wedding.

LegacyUser

We don't want to live together until we are married, this is something we decided on a long time ago. We have a normal sex life, I stay with him most weekends at his place. I have things I'm sure he would like to change, so I don't know if I can change him about talking about things. My friend did say these kind of things are discussed in premarriage courses, so maybe it will open his eyes when we do one. I have tried in the past to get him to talk about things, like when we discussed getting engaged and married, but I know it doesn't work because until he is ready to talk about something he just won't.

username123

ISSUEORNOT wrote: »

We don't want to live together until we are married, this is something we decided on a long time ago.

Is there a particular reason why? Especially given:

ISSUEORNOT wrote: »

We have a normal sex life, I stay with him most weekends at his place.

ISSUEORNOT wrote: »

My friend did say these kind of things are discussed in premarriage courses, so maybe it will open his eyes when we do one.

I think it would be a very very big mistake for you to pin your hopes on the pre marriage course like this. Do you think that he will somehow perceive the people running it as people of authority and suddenly listen and change? You are fooling yourself if so.

Youre not really listening to, addressing or taking on board anything that is being said to you on this thread. Im at a loss as to how to get through to you tbh, what you describe is not normal, its weird and manipulative and you sound very childish with the hopes about the course somehow changing things.

You havent been clear as to how its been acceptable for you to have a boyfriend that you dont live with but do have sex with for 10 years, and how you just waited for him to discuss getting engaged - do you not think 10 years is a bit of an exorbitant wait?

Why do you feel that you are not and can not control your own destiny? Do you not want to be in charge of your own life? Why is it ok for you to always have to wait for himself to be 'ready' to talk about important things?

lazygal

First off, waiting 10 years to decide to get married is not for me. You either want to get married or you don't, you shouldn't have to hold out because someone else isn't willing to discuss the future.

I talk to my husband about everything, I can't imagine how I'd react if he said "I do not want to discuss this, I will talk about it when I want to and not before". What if you want to have children? Will he talk about how many to have? What if he only wants certain names? What if you want to baptise them but he doesn't, do you just wait for him to decide?


Normal couples (married or not) in serious grown up relationships talk about big and small problems whether they feel like it or not. I've not always wanted to dicuss finances or issues he's having with his family but we are a partnership so I get over myself. And he does too, he mightn't always talk about feelings all day but he's really supportive and the first person I'd call on in a crisis. What if you have a major emergency that he isn't ready to talk about?

Squiggler

I know a lot of couples who didn't live together (or have sex) until after they married and I see no higher incidence in marital breakdown among them than among those who did live and sleep together before they married. So I think that is a red herring and not something we should be badgering the OP about.

I would see the Fiance's unwillingness to discuss major decisions to be a serious problem. If it were me that would be a dealbreaker. Life, particuarly married life, is full of decisions, big and small, that need to be made jointly. Over time this unwillingness will most likely cause resentment on both sides. You because he won't discuss something you need to know his feelings on and him because you're trying to pressurise him into discussing something he doesn't want to.

Unless you can find a way to meet somewhere in the middle you will be starting out at a disadvantage.

There are conversations that can wait... but where you'll live and when you'll have children are not two of them. Those are biggies, both are emotionally demanding and involve a lot of practical and physical considerations. A premarital course can be helpful... but it is also important for you both to be able to discuss things like this.

And not just the ideal world answers... you also need to think about the worst case scenarios and what would happen then - those are what make or break a relationship. Not when things are going to plan... it's when one of you loses their job, or you lose a baby, or find out you can't have children - when things are going wrong - that's when everything falls apart and you need to know that you can rely on the other person to support you as you support them.

I wish you the best OP. I know that 10 years is a long time to invest in a relationship, but don't end up looking back in another 10 years and regretting the loss of 20 years. Decide whether you can live with this for the rest of your life, exactly as it is, without resenting him, without anger or stress. And then imagine that there are other things going wrong too.

Nobody should marry someone thinking or hoping that they'll change. A lifetime of disappointment is all that lies in that direction.

username123

Squiggler wrote: »

I know a lot of couples who didn't live together (or have sex) until after they married and I see no higher incidence in marital breakdown among them than among those who did live and sleep together before they married. So I think that is a red herring and not something we should be badgering the OP about.

I think it would be madness to date someone without sleeping with them or living with them for 10 years and only discover the reality of a sexual relationship or cohabitation after a legal document tying you together had been signed. It just doesnt make any sense to me, in any situation. Despite it baffling me, I am aware that other people could feel differently.

In the OPs particular situation its worrying because they do have a sex life and she stays over at his at the weekends. So what exactly has held them back from living together? If it was a very young couple saving for a home together and it made financial sense to stay at home until after the wedding then thats one thing, if they wanted to hold off having sex until after the marriage then thats another thing, but it seems that after a 10 year relationship, in the context of the BF refusing to discuss things until he is ready - that its yet another warning sign of someone controlling things, manipulating the situation until they feel like changing, and maybe just too stubborn or set in their ways to make any change. I notice the OP didnt say he stays over in hers at the weekends - so is she doing all the running, always available, basically taking the crumbs from his table in desperation of a 'proper' relationship?

I think anyone would agree in this day and age that it is very sad and unrealistic to hope that the 'pre marriage course' is going to solve the communication problems of the couple attending it. People who cannot communicate should not be getting married.

Miss Fluff

username123 wrote: »

I think anyone would agree in this day and age that it is very sad and unrealistic to hope that the 'pre marriage course' is going to solve the communication problems of the couple attending it. People who cannot communicate should not be getting married.

+1. I find the dynamic you describe bizarre in the extreme OP. Good communication is one of the key elements to a successful relationship. You're engaged to a bully who you naively believe is going to fundamentally change when you've completed a one-day pre-marriage course :eek:

What about your needs and wants and aspirations? He evidently has no respect for you or for how you feel and because this problem is so hugely fundamental I'd be questioning your entire relationship, its foundations and its future rather than the details of where you're going to live.

He's a bully, pure and simple.

LovelyLottie

ISSUEORNOT wrote: »

He says we don't need to talk about that now and he's not ready to talk about it. Same when I brought up marriage, he didn't want to talk about it because he said he wasn't ready, but he proposed a couple of years later. I knew I wanted to marry him and I still know I want to be his wife, but I just had to give him the time to decide himself. But this is a little different, because we will be marrying and living together within a certain timeframe so we need to do start making decisions. I would also like to have children, as would he, but he won't discuss when we should start trying for them. my friend kind of opened my eyes, she said they discussed where to live, children, what kind of marriage and relationship they wanted with their children before getting married but it made me realise when I bring up these things he just won't' talk about them until he is ready. But this has worked so far for us, maybe her relationship dynamic is just different.

You keep defending him, and your relationship, yet it is you who started this thread. No-one is saying that your relationship is ALL bad - very few relationships are. Your relationship, as you've described it, is not an equal one. But yes it works for you - because you ensure that it does. You don't rock the boat, you don't push serious conversations because you don't want to p1ss him off, because you want to keep him happy, because you don't want to lose him.

You're kept in the dark about important aspects of your relationship and your future - almost like you're a child - until he thinks the time is right to talk about it. But you're allowing all this to happen. If you're not happy with the way he is, do something about it. Seriously - he is so the boss in your relationship, i don't know how you can put up with it. I'm sorry for being blunt, but are you not a person in this relationship whose input is important?

LovelyLottie

Just one other thing - whatever about the place to live, it is in my humble opinion INSANE to be planning on marrying someone who refuses to discuss children, whether you'll have them, how many, time-frame, how you'll bring them up etc.

I know someone who married a guy who is very much 'my way or the highway', he won't budge an inch on his views or decisions. He refused to let her get married in a church (he's anti-religion), she accepted this for some bizarre reason and married him anyway. They had a child. He has now refused to allow her to baptise the child. She is gutted, but he won't budge an inch.

You are letting yourself in for a world of pain and heartache if you marry someone who is not respectful of your opinions, wishes and feelings.

Idle Passerby

Hi OP,

Im going to play devils advocate here and say that to me it sounds like he may not want to get married at all. It sounds like he's stalling. He proposed several years after you initially brought it up but now wont discuss the future. It sounds like he proposed because he thought it would end the issue, now he's irritated because it has made the issue bigger.

What is the point of getting engaged to someone unless its to plan the future, and he's patently not willing to do that. It sounds to me like he's buying time.

ElleEm

Idle Passerby wrote: »

Hi OP,

Im going to play devils advocate here and say that to me it sounds like he may not want to get married at all. It sounds like he's stalling. He proposed several years after you initially brought it up but now wont discuss the future. It sounds like he proposed because he thought it would end the issue, now he's irritated because it has made the issue bigger.

What is the point of getting engaged to someone unless its to plan the future, and he's patently not willing to do that. It sounds to me like he's buying time.

I completely agree with this.

It sounds like he doesn't want to get married at all.
Myself and my partner get so excited by planning our future as we are excited about spending it with each other. The fact that your "fiance" is reluctant to discuss any of this would make me wonder if he really sees it happening at all.

It sounds so unhealthy that you cannot discuss very important life decisions with your boyfriend.

I know you said that you are getting married next year but have you booked your wedding? How much of an interest did he have in the preparation?

I also think it is a REALLY bad decision to hope that a pre- marriage would assist in making him discuss things with you. If you cannot get him to open up, it is most unlikely that a stranger could.

You also need to realise that a marriage will not "fix" anything. If anything, moving in together after marriage will be one of the most difficult things you have done with him. What happens when you want to discuss how to manage money and he doesn't want to? Or if you have kids, how will you discuss where to send them to school/ parenting issues? It sounds like he is a passenger in your relationship so these things will be so hard.

Are you in love with him? Do you enjoy his company and he yours? Are you interested in each other's lives? You haven't mentioned any of these in your posts.

LegacyUser

I love him very much, I wouldn't be with him if I didn't. I guess I;m used to how he communicates, but my married friend was clearly shocked when I said we hadn't picked somewhere to live because he won't talk about it yet. Its been on my mind and I wanted to see what others thought about it.

I did wait for him to propose, I knew we would get married because we dicussed the future but he didn't want to plan a time and day, others were already having their weddings so I think in his mind he wanted to make sure we didn't clash with anyone. When he proposed it was a surprise and he made a lot of effort for it. We have planned our wedding together, looked at venues etc, and it is our day, not just mine or his.

I would like him to be more communicative but I also don't want to change him-I wouldn't like if he tried to change something about me. But I see what people are saying about a premarriage course not being the solution, but how else will I tackle this because this is how our relationship dynamic has been-he WILL talk about things when he's ready, it doesn't work when I try to push it.

mr_edge_to_you

This is bizarre. It seems to me that your "partner" (not sure if that word applies here) is just trying to keep you quiet by proposing.

I accept that you don't have to be living together before getting married but this has been 10 years!! If I was you I'd be concerned as to why after 10 years you're not living together. Certainly if you plan to get married you'd want to be making some plan to move in together?

My wife and I discussed all these issues such as children, buying a home, careers etc, my wifes desire to be a stay at home-mom etc on numerous occasions before getting engaged. As an example of this I explained to my wife that I'd love for her to stay at home but it will come at a cost - long hours in a tough well paid job. I hope in time I can do this but I will need my wife to support me with my career and look after our child often on her own. She knows what it will entail but we both feel it will be better for our family in the long run.

We both knew what we wanted out of life. That's how I knew that this is someone who I want to spend the rest of my life with. In saying that many of our plans haven't worked out but but both when things aren't going well we get through it together.

Can't even imagine your "partner" agreeing to go on a pre-marriage course. The pre-marriage course will just highlight to you all things that you should've discussed but you haven't. There will be things that you mightnt agree on at the moment but it is imperative that both people in the relationship have discussed them at some point.

I'm sure many couples have gone through life without getting married but they still make plans together.

I wish you all the best!

strandroad

lazygal wrote: »

I talk to my husband about everything, I can't imagine how I'd react if he said "I do not want to discuss this, I will talk about it when I want to and not before".

This. If my fiance said anything like this, I would try to get to the bottom of the problem (yes, it would be a problem) immediately and if he kept cutting me off I would walk as it would cease to be a relationship. It's unacceptable to treat your partner like this, all on one side's terms.

It's very twisted and yes, not normal that he does it to you as he pleases and I am amazed that you have accepted it for 10 years and still want to take your chance with this man, without a foggiest idea what you're walking into.

tinkerbell

You know something, I've always thought pre-marriage courses are a waste of time for people who have been going out a long time, have lived together and have discussed the important things.

You and your fiancé are prime candidates to do about 50 pre-marriage courses. You refuse to discuss anything that is important (discussing holiday plans and wedding details are not "important"), discussing your future hopes, dreams and ambitions ARE important, having plenty of communication, talking about kids, the family home, etc. are all serious issues which should be discussed before you say I Do.

Your fiancé is ridiculous that he says he is "not ready" to talk about having a family home or having kids. If he is not ready, then why the hell is he marrying you? Marrying someone means commitment and generally doing all those things (having a home together, considering if ye want to have children or not). Even if you don't want children, you at least discuss it!!!

I suggest OP that either ye sort this out and talk about it, or else you don't get married. He sounds really immature and not ready for the big commitment that is marriage.

username123

ISSUEORNOT wrote: »

I would like him to be more communicative but I also don't want to change him-I wouldn't like if he tried to change something about me. But I see what people are saying about a premarriage course not being the solution, but how else will I tackle this because this is how our relationship dynamic has been-he WILL talk about things when he's ready, it doesn't work when I try to push it.

You are in complete denial about the state of affairs. You asked originally if people thought your bfs behaviour was a problem. After an overwhelming response where pretty much everyone here has expressed the view that his behaviour is unacceptable, you have decided to completely ignore all that and now think that in fact, you dont want to change him, but youd still like to tackle the future plans talk issue.

Im just going to be blunt. You are facing a horribly unhappy life with a man child.

he WILL talk about things when he's ready, it doesn't work when I try to push it.

is a signal that something VERY BIG is wrong.

Nothing you have described is normal.

• 10 years of him not talking about things until he is good and ready is not normal.
• 10 years of you always waiting until he is ready is not normal.
• 10 years into a relationship and not knowing how to tackle the issue of talking about plans for the future is not normal.
• 10 years in and hoping that a pre marriage course holds the answer is not normal.

What exactly are you afraid of? Are you afraid of him? Are you afraid of being alone? I dont get it. I dont know if I even believe what is being said in this thread, it just seems so absolutely incredible to me that someone could be in this situation and think its normal or ok!!

Big Bag of Chips

fab lady wrote: »

I would ask him in front of your married friends where are you going to live next year after you get married. If he ignores you keeping asking the question in front of them.
I would tell him in front of your friends that your are not moving in with his parents or your parents after you get married. I would say in front of your friends and your parents that he either starts to talk to you about your future and you both start to make plans about your life after your married or there will be no wedding.

I wouldn't involve friends! I know the idea,behind it is to try shame him into discussing things, but bringing it up in front of friends is not the way to go about it.

I hate when couples have public disputes in front of their friends. It's very awkward and embarrassing for everyone.

If he won't discuss it with you "until he's ready"... whatever that means! What makes you think he'll suddenly be "ready" on the specific date of your pre-marriage course?

How "ready" does he need to be? What does he have to do to get "ready"?
Personally, I think he's not that keen, and this is delay tactics on his part.

I may be wrong, but I can't see any other reasonable reason why someone would refuse to discuss their future relationship and plans.

Stavro Mueller

You sound like a woman who snared a man and is going to hang on to him, come hell or high water. Despite you starting this thread you're ignoring all the advice people are giving you. Is this how you behave in real life? Burying your head in the sand, sticking your fingers in your ears, covering your eyes? Because from where I'm sitting, it sounds like it. Leaving aside the non living together issue, it's alarming that you are hell bent on marrying a man who you can't communicate with. It's worrying that you expect a pre-marriage course to solve problems you're incapable of dealing with in everyday life.

lace

Hi OP!

Do you feel somewhat indebted to this man because of the way he looked after you when you were sick?

You seem to see this pervious care as a good enough reason to carry on putting up with his crap. Just because he was there for you when you were ill does not mean he's worth sticking around for. I know you say you love him and he loves you but, imo, love alone is not foundation enough for a marriage. It is essential, yes, but so are other factors like compatibility, support and communication. He may have supported you once when you were ill but this man is outright refusing to support you now when you're about to take a massive step in life.

Communication is the key problem here. You say that you two discuss holidays, wedding plans etc but you don't seem to realize that these are things people talk about with friends and acquaintances every day. You should be able to talk to your fiance about things you can't or wouldn't discuss with anyone else - hopes and dreams and fears and the future.

Your main concern seems to be the issue of where the two of you will live once you are married. This brings with it a whole load of other discussions such as division of work, finances etc. Are you two going to have a joint account? If you do, are you also going to have separate accounts? How will you decide how much to contribute to the joint account? What will happen if one of you loses a job? Are you willing to financially support one another if needs be?

Then, of course, there's the issue of children. Please, OP, do not bring children into this relationship until your OH has copped on and the two of you have discussed EVERYTHING to do with the future of the family. When are the two of you going to start trying? How many children will you have? What if you have difficulty conceiving? Are either of you willing to adopt/pay for fertility treatment? How are these children going to be raised? Who will look after them? How will you cover the cost of childcare? Would he be willing to be a stay-at-home dad if he had to? What happens to the children if the two of you break up? How would custody/visitation be agreed in the event of a divorce? Nobody wants to have to think about such hardships as infertility and relationship breakdown but, when children are going to be involved, it's important to discuss all possibilities.

You should not be even considering having children with a man who refuses to discuss the topic, OP. What happens if (by some miracle) this marriage works out, the two of you have children and, seventeen years down the line, your son/daughter comes to your husband to discuss contraception/sex/having a partner stay over? Will your child have to wait until dad is ready to talk about it? Do you really want your children to grow up feeling they can't talk to their father if they have a problem?

I get the feeling that you're scared to leave this man so you're telling yourself it will all be okay once he's ready to talk and hoping for the best. You're telling yourself that other people simply don't understand his ways and that only you know that he really is a good fiance. You're convincing yourself that marriage is the answer and that once the two of you are legally bound, things will get better.

OP, marriage is only going to make this relationship 10 times worse. Taking of getting engaged and committing to get married eventually is very different to actually getting married. Marriage is legally binding and is very difficult and expensive to get out of. If you marry this man and realize that he's not going to change his ways and is going to continue exercise his power and control over you by refusing to discuss things with you then you're going to be forced either to go through a lengthy and expensive separation process or live an extremely unhappy life with him.

My advice would be to read back through this thread a few times as there has been some excellent advice. I know it's difficult and it may seem as though everyone is attacking your relationship and slagging your fiance off but I can assure you that the only reason people are being harsh is because they want to get through to you and give you some useful advice. The first thing you need to do is recognize that your fella is not treating you properly and that this is not normal behaviour for a grown man in an adult relationship.

At the moment, he knows that closing down conversation and refusing to discuss things means that he gets his own way. He thinks that you'll never stand up for yourself and assert yourself. You need to change this.

Think long and hard about what you want. Writing it all down might help. Think about the changes you want him to make re communication, the things you want to discuss and the decisions you want the two of you to make together. Then sit him down and explain the seriousness of the situation. Let him know that unless he cops on and starts communicating properly and taking you seriously there will be no wedding - and mean it.

At the moment he's getting his own way with everything - regular sex and all the comfort and support of being in a relationship without any of the real commitment. What are you getting out of it?

Lorna123

You sound like you are afraid to stand up to this man and you think you might lose him if you do, but it would work the opposite way and you don't realize it. If you stand up to him and make demands on him then he will have more respect for you. I would make an appointment with him to discuss the things you want to know and tell him in advance that unless he is prepared to discuss your issues that you don't want to meet him until he is prepared to discuss them. If he backs off and says goodbye then it will be good riddance but if he loves you he won't do that. Don't be a pushover or it will get worse if you ever marry him and then it won't be as easy to get out.

LegacyUser

Thank you for all the advice.

I have read this thread a few times, even printed it out to read it more slowly.

I am going to show it to my fiancé and explain to him that I felt so worried about this I needed to ask for impartial advice online from people who are totally disinterested in the situation. I plan on doing this sometime this week, when I feel brave enough.


I will see what happens after this.

Oryx

OP, all the good advice has been given here, I just want to point out one more thing. As of now, you are not planning to marry this guy, you are planning a one day event, the wedding. Planning a marriage is a much bigger deal than what you describe. It means planning your life, your living circumstances, and how your lifestyles, needs and wishes for the future will mesh together. To go into this wedding as you are doing, with a man who is refusing to look beyond that single day, is like driving a car blindfolded.

I am stunned that you are hoping the actual act of doing a course or saying vows will make things work out. The next day you will wake up with the same man, who is immature in his idea that if he doesnt have to talk about it, it doesnt have to happen. Your wedding will not wave a magic wand over your relationship.

You need your fiance to be enthusiastic about your future, not trying to avoid it.

I am a friend

She is not even planning her future with him - she is waiting for him to tell her what her future is. Op the last thing you need is to be tied to an emotionally retarded man for the next 60 years. It would be better to be alone

curlzy

Jesus H Christ OP, this really is the most shocking thread I've read in a good while. Your thread is like reading an 1850's woman's thoughts on how to snare a man, i.e. shut up and do what you're told. Shocking just doesn't cover your relationship and your acceptance of what can only be called crappy bullying behaviour. TBH I'm angry at you, I don't know you, but if I did, we would be having a LONG conversation about how to stand up for yourself and demand respect from those around you.

Here's a question; Is he employed??? If so, when his boss/colleagues approach him for a word does he say "I'm not ready to discuss this" and go silent? If not, then he is threating you with less respect than he would his work colleagues, you the woman he's apparently going to marry!

And when you say he won't discuss it until he's ready, do you actually mean "tell you", rather than "discuss"? Are your opinions valid to him or do you merely go alone with what he wants? You are after all, only a woman :rolleyes: Apologies OP if I'm wrong but it certainly sounds like both of you are living in a time warp. You know we're allowed to vote now yeah?

Seriously OP, wise up before you do something really stupid, like marrying this guy.

curlzy

ISSUEORNOT wrote: »

Thank you for all the advice.

I have read this thread a few times, even printed it out to read it more slowly.

I am going to show it to my fiancé and explain to him that I felt so worried about this I needed to ask for impartial advice online from people who are totally disinterested in the situation. I plan on doing this sometime this week, when I feel brave enough.

I will see what happens after this.

Why do you need to wait until you're feeling brave? What are you afraid of? Being hit, being ignored or being dumped? Because the answer to that one could give us a much clearer picture of your relationship, which the more this thread goes on, is sounding darker and darker.

EDIT: Just wanted to point out that I don't think there is physical domestic violence in your case, but I do think there is emotional damage being done to you.

Lorna123

curlzy wrote: »

Why do you need to wait until you're feeling brave? What are you afraid of? Being hit, being ignored or being dumped? Because the answer to that one could give us a much clearer picture of your relationship, which the more this thread goes on, is sounding darker and darker.

If I were you OP I would not show any print outs of this thread to your fiance. He will not take too kindly to thinking that you have been discussing him with anyone else. He will say that none of us know what we are talking about, that we don't know him etc. etc. etc. . I think you should get all the advice in this thread into your head and when you have absorbed it all you then go to him with the confidence that you believe in what your are saying, not that you are relying on anyone else to sort this out for you. You are the one who needs to sound convincing and you need to come across as though you believe every word you say and that you will not accept that all of this relationship has to be on his terms Best of luck.

username123

ISSUEORNOT wrote: »

I plan on doing this sometime this week, when I feel brave enough.

Can you tell what you mean by this? Why do you need to feel brave to discuss your future with your husband to be? What is it about his potential reaction that you need to be feeling brave to approach the subject?

mr_edge_to_you

Don't think it's a good idea to show him the thread. Can't imagine it being a good move.

Just put a short list together of the main points and be comfortable about how you plan to put them across to your boyfriend.

tinkerbell

ISSUEORNOT wrote: »

Thank you for all the advice.

I have read this thread a few times, even printed it out to read it more slowly.

I am going to show it to my fiancé and explain to him that I felt so worried about this I needed to ask for impartial advice online from people who are totally disinterested in the situation. I plan on doing this sometime this week, when I feel brave enough.

I will see what happens after this.

OP, I dunno if it's such a good idea to hand to a man who refuses to discuss anything, this thread. I think what you need to do is tell him that he is either in this relationship which is heading for a life-long commitment or he is not. The day for being "not ready" to discuss serious things has long gone, you are engaged now and things NEED to be discussed.

Nothing is going to change once you get married. Marriage does not change a relationship. Pronouncing you husband and wife is not spraying some sparkle magic glitter over you both which immediately makes things all work out, it does not. In fact I'd imagine that once you get married and people will start asking you about the future, kids, etc. (which people always do, in fact my friend told me before that as they were walking down the aisle people were saying "oh it's kids next!!!") that he is gonna have a mega freak out and before you know it, you guys are gonna be heading for splitsville.

OP, you cannot get married if you cannot discuss these things. You would be an idiot if you agreed to be his wife. Assuming you are getting married in a church, you know you've to do a pre-marriage course if the priest requires you to (even if the priest doesn't, I highly suggest you do the course anyway because you are the type of people it is aimed at), and you know that the priest will ask you a big long list of questions to make sure you both are serious about the sacrament of marriage. I'd say the priest will see right through your fiancé unless your fiancé is a pretty darn good liar.

You'd be better off sorting this out now before you get married and if he refuses to change, well you can just walk away. The only thing that'll actually change once you get married that if you do decide to leave him, it'll be more bothersome what with all the legal crap you'll have to deal with.

Tigger99

ISSUEORNOT wrote: »

I am going to show it to my fiancé and explain to him that I felt so worried about this I needed to ask for impartial advice online from people who are totally disinterested in the situation.

Maybe you want to show him this thread because while he ignores your concerns you think he might be swayed by other peoples opinions (albeit strangers on the net) and finally he might see your point of view.

Say he does read it and think oh god I have it completely wrong, which I have to say I really doubt will happen, what then? Do you put up a thread everytime he disregards you so that he can be persuaded by others?

Im not saying this to be cruel, I just want you to see that someone who loves and respects you and your opinion would never need to be perusaded that his fiance is entitled to be listened to and communicated with.

It is not healthy for you to live like this hun.

Stavro Mueller

This thread depresses me. This man has turned you into a wet dishrag and you just can't see it. He has you right where he wants you - subservient and tiptoeing around him. It's all win win from his point of view. He's got a fiancée who just hangs in there, no matter what he says. He gets the perk of regular sex on tap and weekend fun without having to commit to living with you. He gets to choose what he wants to discuss and when. Planning a holiday = fun. Planning the future = I'm not ready. If you think putting a ring on his finger is going to fix your problems, you are even more deluded than I think you are.

Anyone with any semblance of a healthy relationship at all is happy to discuss things with their other halves. I genuinely worry about what's going to become of you. I've no doubt that you are hell bent on marrying this wonderful catch and will do so unless he bails out on you. God help you when you run into the problems that most married couples encounter along the way. You are in for a bumpy ride, girl.

LegacyUser

Thanks. I am not going to show him this thread after all. I have told him we need to have a serious talk this weekend. I have spoken to a friend about this (same one I mentioned) and she has opened my eyes and made me see that this is something if I don't sort out now will continue to be an issue whether we get married or not. I am keen on having a family and time is moving on, so I don't want to be waiting as long to start having babies as I did for him to propose. I know my friend will support me and I have a good family behind me, I love him but I love me too and he needs to know I want a partnership for life.


I appreciate all the help. I should have posted this thread years ago.

stargazer 68

Good luck OP
Hope it all works out for you.

I am a friend

Yep best of luck op

Remember - know your worth!!

username123

ISSUEORNOT wrote: »

I love him but I love me too

This is the person you need to love the most!!!

Good luck, I hope things work out well for you.

mr_edge_to_you

ISSUEORNOT wrote: »

I should have posted this thread years ago.

No matter what you do don't be looking back, no matter how bad it seems!! Although it does seem you have opened your eyes and can see clearly what's going on.

Speaking from my own experience, I was in a relationship that I should've seen was going nowhere. It wasn't healthy but at the time I thought to myself "I have my own four walls and sure nobody else would understand our relationship anyway". I thought all these extreme ups and down were normal. The girl eventually ended the relationship. 3 months later I met someone out of the blue and realised how bad the situation actually was. I now know what it is like to have a partner who wants the same out of life as I do.

Chin up!

LegacyUser

OP

Just wanted you to know that my wife was with a very similar fella for 11 years before leaving him. He didn't talk about marriage, family, anything and was happy to keep things just as they were.

She left him, as she wanted a family and spent two years single before she met me aged 35.

We are very happily married with a beautiful baby boy now. I am very glad she made the hard decision to leave and I admire her very much for doing that. I am very lucky to have met her too and I love her very much. She is a wonderful woman.

It is not easy to let go of the branch and brave the world alone, but sometimes everything you really want is not that far away at all. You just have to let go.

Best of luck.

LegacyUser

Reading back, that "spent two years single" sounds awful! What she actually did was take a career break from work and travel around the US, Australia and New Zealand for three months!

Maybe a break like that is just the ticket for you?

Life is not a rehearsal as the cliché goes :-)