am I incredibly shallow!

bellieen

I'm in late 30s after going through painful separation and pretty much come out the other side-not 100% there but at least accepting of the loss. That's the deep part!
Few wks ago met a guy who got on really well with,clever,funny, deep, interesting, alternative etc. BUT I hate and I mean hate his hair. It was kind of messy when met him and while didn't like it,it didn't go wit rest of his image so convinced myself it would be fine when he got it cut. Nearly cried when saw him yesterday,its like a 60 year old woman's haircut-you know the ones that are high at the to , wit a pudding bowl fringe to finish it off.
I just can't see past it. I know I sound like a teenager here.I know in few months id possibly convince him to get modern haircut and worth hanging in there.on other hand the reality is I can't see past the bloody hair.
Should I ask him to cut it now or should I hang in there or just walk away.I'm not that interested in a relationship right now anyway.it was only the fact that he seemed so interesting that make me agree to meet him.

al28283

do him a favour and and don't see him again

amdublin

Would you like if he asked you to cut your hair?

amdublin

seefin wrote: »

Wouldn't bother me if he asked me to change it as long as was constructive.my ex would tell me the truth and id listen to him and vice versa.
I've already decided that not going to see him again as apart from the hair Im not in right place for new relationship .I'm probably really trying to understand myself here. Should appearance be important or not? Should I be trying to overcome this inability to pick faults or does it simply mean I should be waiting for guy with decent haircut!!! I'm not being facetious, I genuinely want to know what other women would do if they hated some quality in a guy they had met . Is my flaw a) that I contemplate staying with someone in first place even though don't like hair or b ) that I'm unable to see past the hair.
Before ye start attacking me, I'm like this with myself, hate my looks,appearance etc so its not that I'm an full of myself etc. And I know I'm shallow and like a teenager when it comes to image.

Before sorting his hair out you should probably work on sorting out your dual personality issues

Giselle

seefin wrote: »

Is my flaw a) that I contemplate staying with someone in first place even though don't like hair or b ) that I'm unable to see past the hair.

I think the big problem is that you're in your late thirties, and the most important thing about an otherwise interesting person is their haircut. How can it be a flaw to consider staying with someone with a bad haircut?

Yes, you do seem incredibly shallow to be honest.

al28283

Are Seefin and bellieen the same person??

Giselle

seefin wrote: »

I'm only too aware of how messed up I am.if I'm ever to change myself then it would help to understand how normal and well adjusted females deal with these situations. If they eg met someone with bad teeth (just to move on from the hair which is only example) or BO is it shallow to not see past these or do they just say, I really value eg good teeth so this isn't the guy for me.
Please no personal criticism of me, I know I have huge issues but until know which issue I should be tackling its hard to work on

All those things are secondary to how a person treats you, how much you like their personality, however, attraction is important.

Hair is the very least important of those examples. Personal hygiene is usually an habitual or ingrained thing, teeth are a structural thing. Hair can be changed with a sissors so it seems a very trivial thing to have issues about, let alone huge ones.

amdublin

seefin wrote: »

I'm only too aware of how messed up I am.if I'm ever to change myself then it would help to understand how normal and well adjusted females deal with these situations. If they eg met someone with bad teeth (just to move on from the hair which is only example) or BO is it shallow to not see past these or do they just say, I really value eg good teeth so this isn't the guy for me.
Please no personal criticism of me, I know I have huge issues but until know which issue I should be tackling its hard to work on

Are you the same poster as bellieen?

Okay so BO is different. Bad smell is bad smell.

But what are bad teeth? Your opinion of what is bad could be different to mine.

You seem caught up with minor details. My benchmark is I'm either attracted to someone or not. I don't say I'm attracted to someone except for his brown hair, hmmm I wonder would he dye it black because then he'd be perfect.

Honestly, you ask a question about whether you're being shallow or not and when you get an honest answer, you don't like it. You already seem to know the answer yourself.

Storminateacup

Wow - and I thought I had issues with being vain and shallow...

+1 on whoever said he's better off without you.

Dr. Manhattan

I don't think you're being shallow, everybody has criteria for physical attraction. You'll often see it mentioned in this forum that women want a man taller than them, or like beards, or don't like smoking or whatever the hell they like. It's up to you what attracts you, nobody else.

That said, if the hair is enough to put you off, it probably means you don't think all that much of him. If he was right for you, I doubt the hair would matter.

G86

You know what you like in a guy, and you don't happen to find that particular hairstyle attractive - that's fine. Yes it's a little shallow but personally I think if you fancied him at all in the first place then the hair wouldn't even be a factor now.

Dudess

There's criteria for physical attraction, and then there's not liking a hairstyle because it doesn't go with an image... and "nearly crying" when it's then cut in a particular way. :rolleyes:

If a guy said the equivalent of the above, he'd be slated.

seenitall

I wouldn't worry about it too much, OP. Tbh, a guy who is presumably out of his formative years and still gets a pudding bowl haircut wouldn't be my cup of tea either! And I can tell you I don't consider myself shallow at all. I'm no shallower than anyone who actually wants to feel physically attracted to their date. But I have had a few online-dating first-date stinkers where a guy showed up wearing a "fetching" suit trousers and sandals combo, for example. No kidding. Needless to say, instant turn-off.

So yeah, I completely get where you're coming from. I am also in my late thirties, far too old to be waiting for a change in anyone or their weird tastes. I'd rather be single and see if someone who will be both attractive and compatible comes along someday.

I'd move on if I were you.

BarackPyjama

bellieen wrote: »

Should I ask him to cut it now

^ This. At least then all the cards are on the table and everyone is being honest. Although unless he has serious self-esteem issues, I'd imagine he'd be the one walking away from you.

As a side note, I don't think you're shallow. What we find attractive, we find attractive. What we find unattractive, we find unattractive. I would suggest though that perhaps you're very immature for your age? I mean, you're in your late 30's and you've met a guy that you say is great in almost every way except his haircut. Did you perhaps get married at a young age? Because generally as women mature in the 'dating scene', a guy's haircut, the shoes he wears and whether he's a 'bad boy' or not generally become very flimsy benchmarks for choosing a partner.

al28283

seenitall wrote: »

And I can tell you I don't consider myself shallow at all.

I do

seenitall

eh... good for you so!