My "girlfriend" has a boyfriend

LegacyUser

Ladies,

I want a feminine view on this as I'm full up of male advice.

I'm seeing this girl 18months, the usual, started at nothing serious, quite serious now. She told me a few months in that she was seeing another guy, about four or five years and didn't want to lead me on etc, fair enough.

Before I know it, 18months passed and we're still on the go. We get on exceptionally well, go away and do all the usual couples things, but it bothers me.

So about 6-12weeks ago I told her that although I was really into her, I thought it was best we stopped seeing each other because of the 'elephant in the room' so to speak.

...............But neither of us could depart and decided to keep seeing each other.

The right thing to do is end it, but it's also the hardest.

I don't want to be a right pr1ck and give an ultimatum: him or me. But how can i suggest this tactfully?

Indeed, how can a "relationship" like this work?

Thanks,
No.2

rainbow kirby

Moved from tLL to RI.

I am a friend

She would need to give up the boyfriend. Its a bit icky that she is having sex with both of ye :eek:

Ickle Magoo

I know you don't want to give her an ultimatum but if you want an exclusive relationship then you are going to have to ask her to choose because she seems perfectly happy with the open arrangement.

All the best

meganj

The use of "girlfriend" and "relationship" is confusing me. Are you romantically involved with this girl? Or are you friends who happen to do coupley things together?

From what i think I understand from your post, you were seeing a girl, just casually dating and then she told you she was seeing someone else Which I wouldn't have a problem with as long as she was seeing the other guy casually as well. But she's been seeing the other guy for 4/5 years!!!!!!????

So she's cheating... And you're the 'other man' so to speak. Is she sleeping with you both?

Frustrated! wrote: »

I don't want to be a right pr1ck and give an ultimatum: him or me. But how can i suggest this tactfully?

I don't really think it's pr1ckish for you to suggest she stops cheating. Normally I don't believe in ultimatums in relationships, but, she's cheating on her boyfriend, so she either stops cheating on him by leaving you, or she stops cheating on him by breaking up with him. Those are really her only options.

Frustrated! wrote: »

The right thing to do is end it, but it's also the hardest.

If you really love this girl, or just really like her, then you have to acknowledge that by being with this other guy as well as you she is saying 'oh your nice and I like to go away for weekends with you, but I'm not willing to devote myself to you and be in a serious relationship. She is not affording you or this other guy any respect at all.

Frustrated! wrote: »

Indeed, how can a "relationship" like this work?

Relationships like this don't work. They only work if something changes, if she dumps the other guy for you then happy days best of luck with that. But it's been 18months OP, i'm sorry but if it was 4-5 months then that's one thing, she's worried abut breaking up a long term relationship, but 18??? That's called having your cake and eating it.

You seem like a nice guy, my advice to you would be knock this on the head quickly before you get seriously hurt.

gerryk

You are investing time and emotion in something that will probably never go anywhere. TBH, her behaviour is pretty reprehensible, and even if she was to dump the other guy for you, who's to say that this sort of thing wouldn't show its face again.
I'd be out of there like a burning building, personally.

LegacyUser

Ok so to answer what a few of you asked, yes she is sexually active with both of us.

We have been tested and cleared.

It's tough, but the right thing to do isn't always the easiest.

I would say admittedly, I am romantically involved as apposed to friends with benefits.

KTRIC

You're being walked all over mate. She's taking one of you for a ride , in the literal sense.

Quite possible she sees you as the bit of fun and the other guy as the long term commitment.

meganj

Frustrated! wrote: »

Ok so to answer what a few of you asked, yes she is sexually active with both of us.

We have been tested and cleared.

It's tough, but the right thing to do isn't always the easiest.

I would say admittedly, I am romantically involved as apposed to friends with benefits.

Sorry to be harsh Op but this has never been a friends with benefits situation it's her cheating on someone with you.

You have my sympathy because it is hard to end things. I think you need to put it to her that something needs to change. If she refuses to dump the other guy then that's a clear indicator that she's using you.

I am sorry you've found yourself in this situation Op but you need to put yourself first because clearly this girl isn't going to.

stephen_k

I was in you situation OP, met a girl, really liked her, met up a few times, then she dropped the bombshell that she was in a long term relationship with another guy, and living with him. However I laid my cards on the table right then and there, I let her know that I was really attracted to her and wanted to pursue a relationship with her, I understood there would be a period of time involved in either ending her relationship or not going out with me, gave it 2 months and then gave the ultimatum, him or me... Only way to do it IMHO, what you have at the moment is not going to work...

dafunk

How does her "boyfriend" feel about this arrangement? Does he even know? Youve been tested and cleared but if she's sleeping with you then perhaps he's sleeping with others too, be careful there. Tbh I think people are gonna get very hurt here, look after what's best for you.

Jack B. Badd

Frustrated! wrote: »

Ok so to answer what a few of you asked, yes she is sexually active with both of us.

We have been tested and cleared.

It's tough, but the right thing to do isn't always the easiest.

I would say admittedly, I am romantically involved as apposed to friends with benefits.

OP, does her "other boyfriend" know about you? If he does & you know about him then it sounds like a polyamorous relationship rather than cheating. But you (and he, I guess) need to determine if you're ok with that type of relationship/lifestyle/arrangement. If you are, then fine but if not, then you'll only hurt yourself by carrying on with your relationship. Best of luck, OP.

Big Bag of Chips

As a female I would say ask her what's going on? Where you stand? Does she see it going anywhere, or are you just a bit of fun for her?

You have invested a year and a half of your life to this, and by the sounds of it you don't really know what's actually going on.

Only way to know is to ask her. You might get an answer you like, or you might hear something you don't like. Either way its better to find out now, than in another year and a half.

Are you 2 a secret? Does her other boyfriend know about you? Have you met any of her friends or family.

Open type relationships can work if everyone involves understands and accepts the arrangement. They can't work.if its not out in the open, and one person wants something a bit different.

I'm curious now as to what male perspective advice you were being given, that made you seek specifically female opinion!

LegacyUser

Yeah it's true that the "boyfriend" could be seeing others.

She says that I am a total opposite to him and treat her a lot better etc.

But obviously something is connecting her still.

LegacyUser

Oh and yes, this is a BIG secret to EVERYONE.

When we meet up, we head to the opposite side of town, keep a low profile, etc. Then when we go away on holiday it's bliss.

jackhammer

OP, this may sound strange, but are you sure the 'boyfriend' even exists? Do you know who he is?

I've seen a situation similar to this where there was no other guy in particular. She was actually playing the field, as it were.

paperclip2

To be honest OP it sound like you are her bit on the side. She doesn't seem to view her time with you as a 'real' relationship.

LegacyUser

Though the comments are precisely what I expected, I am grateful.

Its a strange setup and I hope to offer some closure soon.

As someone said, even she broke off with him, there will still be a cooling off period with him. As for me being the bit on the side, ok there's an element of that, but she seems to appreciate me and respect (!) me too. And I (think) I know enough about women to be able to see through this!

If you were in a) My position, b) her position?

Taltos

OP - you are fooling yourself.

She neither respects you nor appreciates you.
This is all about her - feeling loved, cared for and wanted. You and her other boyfrield are two big ego boosts.

Face it - having been the other guy - do you really think that if push came to shove that later down the road there will not be someone else as the other guy?

Personally I think you need to get some self-respect here - stop settling and find someone who really does care for you. Irrespective of what she decides - your decision should be simply - thanks but bye...

Big Bag of Chips

Frustrated! wrote: »

Oh and yes, this is a BIG secret to EVERYONE.

When we meet up, we head to the opposite side of town, keep a low profile, etc. Then when we go away on holiday it's bliss.

Well if that's enough for you then fair enough... but by the sounds of it, its not enough. You have a right to want/expect more. I just don't think you'll ever get it from her.

5 years is a long time to stay with someone who doesn't treat you right. If she really thought you were that great above him, she would have found a way to end it with the other fella 12 months ago. And don't believe all this "cooling off" stuff with her and him. If she wants to finish it, she can make a clean break... loads of people manage it.

Take the decision away from her. Finish it and find someone who will be pleased and happy to be seen out with you in public.

Think of all the cover up lies she has told to keep this hidden... if she's THAT good, could you ever be certain with her?

IrishEyes19

Frustrated! wrote: »

Though the comments are precisely what I expected, I am grateful.

Its a strange setup and I hope to offer some closure soon.

As someone said, even she broke off with him, there will still be a cooling off period with him. As for me being the bit on the side, ok there's an element of that, but she seems to appreciate me and respect (!) me too. And I (think) I know enough about women to be able to see through this!

If you were in a) My position, b) her position?

I really dont see how you think this is respect. She knows you want to be exclusive, if someone wanted you or respected you, they wouldnt do something which makes you unhappy. I dont think you see how convienient this is for her. Two guys who obviously like her, and if she has problems with one, she goes to another.

this is using, OP, And you are setting yourself up for heartbreak. If I were in your position, I would end it. For your own peace of mind and dignity. And If I were in her position. Well I would never do that to someone, please god. But if I was like that....I guess I would be thinking....sweet deal. So get out of there for your own sake. Its a mess.

LegacyUser

IrishEyes19 wrote: »

I

I dont think you see how convienient this is for her. Two guys who obviously like her, and if she has problems with one, she goes to another.

.

Wow, I admit, I did not see this.

going un-reg

OP, something that I noticed in your original post, was that she told you "a few months in" that she was seeing someone else.

Now, perhaps I've higher levels of decency, but that seemed a little bit irresponsible of her, and a bit crappy to only tell you so far into the start of your relationship. Now, I know you weren't "going out" with each other at the start, however she could have said something.

To me, it sounds like she wants her cake and eat it too. She's in a position where she has two men after her. For those that don't consider monogamy as a high priority, would relish in this situation.

You should take a good look at what you're doing yourself, you're basically sharing a girl with another bloke, you really want that? I can't see how this situation is the grounds for a strong foundation in the long term.

Just my 2 cents.

Beruthiel

Frustrated! wrote: »

she seems to appreciate me and respect (!) me too.

Stringing you along and playing you off another fella is showing appreciation and respect?

She says that I am a total opposite to him and treat her a lot better

LOL
Is that right?
Tell me then, if you're such a catch compared to this other guy, how come he hasn't been dumped in preference of you?

You're being played for a fool OP.

ihsb

Even if she leaves the other man for you... you will be always looking over your shoulder thinking that she is going behind your back with someone new. Do you really want that?

jessiejam

OP awful situation to be in
Classic case of love is blind on your part and she is having her cake and eating it!
No one should be holding down 2 relationships for 18 months!

give her an ultimatum... if you can trust her that you won't eventually become the "boyfriend" and she has some other fella on the go at the same time.

God forbid she gets pregnant...

Good luck with it

LegacyUser

jessiejam wrote: »

God forbid she gets pregnant...

Eh, we've had that scare twice.

And my thoughts were, how do we know whos kid it would be, his or mine.

KTRIC

No matter what if I was in your place I wouldn't be happy my "girlfriend" was getting diddled by another guy.

Da Shins Kelly

I'd do a runner if I were you. She's no good.

username123

Seriously, is this how low your self esteem is - to be second fiddle to the long term guy - for 18 MONTHS????

Youre a Big Secret - you know what that means dont you? She is ashamed of you. If there was nothing to be ashamed of itd be out in the open.

And as for the 'you treat her better than the other guy' - god almighty, course she tells you that! She probably tells him he is the best she ever had!

For me its all about self esteem, and mine is too high to play second fiddle, be a hidden secret or be taken in by rubbish like 'youre better than the other one' - if that was the case - why is there another one?

Youve only yourself to blame, you accepted this situation from the start (or from when she told you), so her expectation is that thats how you allow yourself to be treated.

I can 99% promise you that if you rock the boat and give her an ultimatum, you are going to be the one who gets dumped. Why do I think that? Because you are the secret, you are the one she doesnt respect or appreciate, you are the one who is her guilty pleasure. You are not the person that is given any position in her life.

Good luck, hope you get better self esteem and find a woman who respects you.

LegacyUser

Sometimes you need to be shaken around and your eyes opened........think that's what this thread has done. Thanks.

ash23

Frustrated! wrote: »

If you were in a) My position, b) her position?

If I were in your position I'd have ended it as soon as I found out she had a long term relationship.
If I were in her position I'd be in my element to have two men mad about me, brining me out, taking me away. Well, actually no, I wouldn't because I'd be eaten up with guilt over cheating on my boyfriend while being a complete cow for stringing along my lover when I know he has feelings for me but I know there's no future.


I think you're in denial about this girl and dressing up the situation as some sort of romantic love triangle but really, she's a dirt bird.

Canluum

(I'm assuming for this post the other boyfriend is aware and okay with this arrangement. In which case there has been absolutely no cheating going on!).

I'm a little shocked at some of the responses here, I had expected a little more open-mindedness. The OP has an issue granted, he is seeking a monogamous relationship with this particular girl, however that may not be possible and it's worth him at least exploring the idea of other options that he may not be aware of and may be okay with. Love is not finite, it is possible to love more than one person.

I am a friend wrote: »

She would need to give up the boyfriend. Its a bit icky that she is having sex with both of ye :eek:

My girlfriend has sex with other men. I guess I've just gotten over the whole jealousy thing. I trust her and I know she wants to be with me so I don't see a reason or need to worry. I don't own her vagina, and (personally) I find the idea that someone can have that much control over a person's sexuality a little unnerving. We do follow certain rules; we're both safe/tested and completely honest with eachother about our feelings and interactions. She texts me before and after a date for example, and we're honest and open with the other people we date.

meganj wrote: »

The use of "girlfriend" and "relationship" is confusing me. ...
So she's cheating... And you're the 'other man' so to speak. Is she sleeping with you both? ...
so she either stops cheating on him by leaving you, or she stops cheating on him by breaking up with him. Those are really her only options.


Relationships like this don't work.

Non-traditional polyamorous relationships are out there and they do work. They require a solid base of communication, trust and honesty to work however. They are never a fix mono relationship with problems, and they are not for everybody... some people are just monogamous, some just aren't and some can be both.

OP if she's unwilling to give up her boyfriend, and you're unwilling to give her up, then a third option is looking into polyamory. It's possible that within the cultural sphere you inhabit this just never appeared as an option. Well I'm telling you it is a viable option. I've been in a happy open-relationship (form of polyamourous relationship) for a year now. You've been okay with this situation for a number of months now, why change it if you're happy? You can have and eat the cake, if you're comfortable with that.

BTW what you are essentially in right now is called a "Vee" (a triad would be where 3 people are all dating each other). There are many people in similar situations, they post up their stories about themselves and their successes (for example) on reddit.com/r/polyamory

There is also much guidance literature on the subject too... Opening Up, The Ethical Slut, Polyamory: the new love without limits, as well as the very venerable Sex at Dawn that can help you realise the value, full potential of such relationships and forming greater bonds and more fruitful connections.
(hope it's okay that I posted amazon links to these books, just as its a good reference for reviews etc!)

.

Big Bag of Chips

All well, good and valid Canluum... but

Frustrated! wrote: »

Oh and yes, this is a BIG secret to EVERYONE.

When we meet up, we head to the opposite side of town, keep a low profile, etc. Then when we go away on holiday it's bliss.

...It's not an open relationship. The other boyfriend doesn't know about the OP.

Canluum

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

The other boyfriend doesn't know about the OP.

If that really is true then I find it very difficult to have any respect for her whatsoever. That's not cool.

Oryx

She is hanging on to both of you out of weakness. If she was worthwhile she would have the balls to make a choice. The fact that she hasnt shows that what she feels is confused at best, and based on lust and need and not love nor respect for you.

Idle Passerby

Have you ever heard the phrase "when a man leaves his wife for his mistress he creates a job opening"?

Your girlfriend has happily had two (at least) 'boyfriends' for the last year and a half (that you know of) if she's happy with this and so far you havn't protested, why would she suddenly be content with just one? She's been with the other guy for years, your probably not the first 'extra boyfriend'. Whether the other guy knows whats going on or not, she must see him as the constant and whoever else passes through as the light entertainment.

It sounds like a horrible situation to me, Id be running a mile if I was you. She has no intention of being faithful to one long term partner, even if she agreed to leave him for you, it would only be a matter of time before there was someone else taking your place as the extra.

kknapp21

I agree with everyone, sounds like shes doing it for an ego boost. She likes having two guys. 18 months in and have you meet her family or any of her friends? What happens if the other guy proposes to her and she says yes? Will you continue to see her? For all you know she could already be married to this guy. How would she feel if you started seeing other people as well? Trust me, if down the line she decides to be with you, given her past of cheating, how could you trust her not to repeat the past? Forming a relationship based on cheating will never work.

Ofcorse it will hurt to walk away now with so much time and emotions invested but whats more important to you? Having a relationship built on lies and never having peice of mind as to what tomorrow will bring with this girl, or starting new and forming another relationship built on trust and true feelings?

nowyouresix

You are a pawn in a nasty game of chess, and the only one who will get hurt here is you. How, exactly,is this benefitting you? Be good to yourself, and call it a day. For you.

I am a friend

nowyouresix wrote: »

You are a pawn in a nasty game of chess, and the only one who will get hurt here is you. How, exactly,is this benefitting you? Be good to yourself, and call it a day. For you.

And before she gets pregnant by someone.

Amazotheamazing

I believe people can make mistakes and people can get confused, it happens everyday.

However, right now she has no incentive to change the situation, it's obviously working out for her. All you can do is try and give her that incentive. So far, you've tried to provide that incentive by being a great partner to her. That hasn't worked so you have to try a different approach. It seems unavoidable that you'll have to give her an ultimatum.

That being said, life is messy, I don't think it helps to put labels on things or to assume past behaviour will predict future behaviour, we are all capable of a) making mistakes b) learning from them and c) changing our behaviour (to an extent).

Good luck

LegacyUser

Maybe I've underestimated how deep in I am!

It's going to be tough to walk away, but some of the stuff said here is VERY relevant and eye opening.

Oryx

Frustrated! wrote: »

Maybe I've underestimated how deep in I am!

It's going to be tough to walk away, but some of the stuff said here is VERY relevant and eye opening.

Just remember youre not really that deep in at all, because youre only ever seeing half of this girl. You only meet her in covert situations, which are damn exciting and not normal life. It is not a regular relationship at all, because it is based more on getting an emotional and physical kick than having a proper life with someone.

If you leave her be, you might be surprised how quickly you get over her if you try, once you let go of all the tension, secrecy and lust soaked meetups.

username123

Oryx wrote: »

Just remember youre not really that deep in at all, because youre only ever seeing half of this girl.

This made me think. Do your own friends know whats going on OP? Are there people you can talk to about how you are feeling if you do walk away from her? One of the biggest issues with being kept a secret is the stress of having to deal with all your emotions secretly.

meganj

Canluum wrote: »

(I'm assuming for this post the other boyfriend is aware and okay with this arrangement. In which case there has been absolutely no cheating going on!).

Non-traditional polyamorous relationships are out there and they do work. They require a solid base of communication, trust and honesty to work however. They are never a fix mono relationship with problems, and they are not for everybody... some people are just monogamous, some just aren't and some can be both.

I appreciate the point that non-traditional polyamorous relationships do work. But this is not what the OP is in, as the other boyfriend doesn't know it is to quote the OP 'All a big secret'.

OP I think many posters have pointed out that while this is obviously affecting you in terms of you wanting to be with this girl, she is clearly having her cake and eating it.

It is very easy to engage in an affair, and very easy to turn from one to the other when one person is being difficult, or mean or not satisfying your every move.

The fact that ye have had a couple fo pregnancy scares to me spells massive trouble. You really need to work out what you want here. If you want to be in a monogamous relationship with this girl, then ask her, all she can do is say no.

You also have to bear in mind that you know what's happening here. The other person doesn't. She (I imagine) lies to him repeatedly, especially when going away with you. I understand the lure of this sort of relatiopnship in the beginning and I appreciate that perhaps at 4/5 months in when she told you, you were probably quite invested in the relationship. She is affording neither of the men in her life any respect, and is putting herself over and above everyone else, including you.

If you want to continue this relationship you have to be willing to make sacrifices. You have to be willing to have dates/weekends away cancelled at the drop of the hat. You have to be willing to play second fiddle to her other relationship. You could also be dropped at the drop of a hat. Or her other boyfriend could find out. You also have to understand that this could all end in tears, and at the very least one person will end up hurt, and it won't be her.

I think that perhaps it would be worthwhile to you to sit down and think, 'what does she get out of this relationship' draw up a list, and then draw up a list of what you get out of it, you will probably find that she is getting a lot more out of both her relationships then either of you.

I am a friend

Canluum wrote: »

My girlfriend has sex with other men.

Thats your call but i personally consider it icky to be sleeping with 2 boyfriends at the same time and having pregnancy scares which most likely means contraception is not being used with either.

username123

I am a friend wrote: »

Thats your call but i personally consider it icky to be sleeping with 2 boyfriends at the same time and having pregnancy scares which most likely means contraception is not being used with either.

Totally gross, and completely irresponsible. If the girl did end up pregnant who would she claim as the baby daddy? Probably the long termer, but it could just as easily be the OP - would the OP sit idly by while his kid was raised by another man, or would he risk blowing the lid off all the secrecy to be a father? Poor child of such a relationship.

A friend of mine was once in the OPs situation, she was the secret lover of a guy who lived with someone. He infected both her and his partner with an std. Turned out his lack of qualms about unprotected sex outside of his main relationship also extended to outside his second main relationship and he was having random one nighters that neither woman knew about.

The whole thing is just a horrible shuddery mess, besides a serious lack of self esteem I cannot understand how the OP could possibly want a relationship with someone proven to be capable of such deceit.

Thats if its true anyway, not the story as posted here, but I do wonder if the girl is in such a long relationship, would she not be living with someone after that length of time, making it extremely unlikely that she would get away with the relationship with the OP for so long, including holidays etc? It smells a bit funny. Maybe she is deceiving the OP on more than one level and her other 'relationship' is not all that it seems either? Who knows, you couldnt possibly trust someone in this situation anyway.

Taltos

HI all - let's cut the general discussion on polyamorous relationships here and focus instead directly on the OP's problem.

As per our Charter it is not up to us to judge another's relationship - provided that all parties enter into said relationship with their eyes open. What is "icky" to one person can be sheer bliss for another, again though not for us to judge.

Thanks
Taltos

LegacyUser

Frustrated! wrote: »

Eh, we've had that scare twice.

And my thoughts were, how do we know whos kid it would be, his or mine.

Ah OP seriously why are you letting this woman do this to you???!!!!! Surely it cant be that good on nights she is not there knowing she is with him, please stop leeting this happen - this is going ot hurt you so badly!!

LegacyUser

You really want a woman who is cheating on her boyfriend to be with you as your girlfriend?

Say she dumps him and starts going out with you properly. How long before she starts shagging someone else behind your back?

Break up with her tomorrow and cut all contact. Or don't and let this go on for a while longer until **** really hits the fan e.g. he finds out, or she gets pregnant, or gets an STD and passes it to you, because from what I can read I wouldn't be surprised if this "boyfriend" was about 3 other people.

It's your choice.

girl2

I really feel the need to reply to the OP's post as I have been where he is. Only I allowed such a screwed up situation to go on for much longer.

For me, I was involved with someone for almost three years, someone who was in a relationship with another woman all that time. He had been with her for about a year before I became involved. He told me he didnt love her, didnt want to be with her, referred to her as a convenience, amongst many other lies. Cut a long story short, I told her. He denied it to the hilt. It all ended between him and me. They got engaged. She believed him. And I was the one who was left devestated, heart broken and alone. That was January 2010.

Fast forward a year and a bit to April 2011, and I meet him out of the blue (he lives a couple of hundred miles from me). We got talking again, him telling me that it was my fault he was engaged to her (like, wtf???), that he didnt want to be with her, that he didnt love her, he would never marry her and that it broke him that I had left him and for me to promise that I would never leave him again.

After all that time away from him and me finally getting on my feet again and moving on from it all the first time round, I fell for it again. Because that's what situaitons like that does to people. That was last year when it started again and only a few days ago, I told him it was over (again). Because, once again, nothing is different - he is still a liar, still a cheat, still full of deceit and is unable to have the balls to end it with her. So good luck to him and God help her.

These people will never leave their long term relationships. And the other person is always going to be the one who ends up hurt. You are the one who will end up hurt OP. Not her. You are the one who will be second guessing yourself, it will eat you up inside, and you lose all self respect and self esteem. You become a shadow of the person you used to be.

I could write a book on this all because I have lived it. And I beg of you OP - to end this. To walk away. Because she WILL NEVER end this. I know it will be hard, but you have got to believe me - that she will never be with you wholeheartedly, you will never have a good decent relationship that is based on trust and normality. How could anything good ever come out of something so sordid and wrong.

You will not win. You will end up hurt and miserable. And you will be the person who ends up not being able to trust people, you will lose all concepts of what a normal, healthy relationship is. So - for yourself - do yourself a favour and walk away. Please.

ps. I would be interested to know what her reaction would be to you telling the man she is actually having a relationship with?