My "girlfriend" has a boyfriend

LegacyUser

Ladies,

I want a feminine view on this as I'm full up of male advice.

I'm seeing this girl 18months, the usual, started at nothing serious, quite serious now. She told me a few months in that she was seeing another guy, about four or five years and didn't want to lead me on etc, fair enough.

Before I know it, 18months passed and we're still on the go. We get on exceptionally well, go away and do all the usual couples things, but it bothers me.

So about 6-12weeks ago I told her that although I was really into her, I thought it was best we stopped seeing each other because of the 'elephant in the room' so to speak.

...............But neither of us could depart and decided to keep seeing each other.

The right thing to do is end it, but it's also the hardest.

I don't want to be a right pr1ck and give an ultimatum: him or me. But how can i suggest this tactfully?

Indeed, how can a "relationship" like this work?

Thanks,
No.2

rainbow kirby

Moved from tLL to RI.

I am a friend

She would need to give up the boyfriend. Its a bit icky that she is having sex with both of ye :eek:

Ickle Magoo

I know you don't want to give her an ultimatum but if you want an exclusive relationship then you are going to have to ask her to choose because she seems perfectly happy with the open arrangement.

All the best

meganj

The use of "girlfriend" and "relationship" is confusing me. Are you romantically involved with this girl? Or are you friends who happen to do coupley things together?

From what i think I understand from your post, you were seeing a girl, just casually dating and then she told you she was seeing someone else Which I wouldn't have a problem with as long as she was seeing the other guy casually as well. But she's been seeing the other guy for 4/5 years!!!!!!????

So she's cheating... And you're the 'other man' so to speak. Is she sleeping with you both?

Frustrated! wrote: »

I don't want to be a right pr1ck and give an ultimatum: him or me. But how can i suggest this tactfully?

I don't really think it's pr1ckish for you to suggest she stops cheating. Normally I don't believe in ultimatums in relationships, but, she's cheating on her boyfriend, so she either stops cheating on him by leaving you, or she stops cheating on him by breaking up with him. Those are really her only options.

Frustrated! wrote: »

The right thing to do is end it, but it's also the hardest.

If you really love this girl, or just really like her, then you have to acknowledge that by being with this other guy as well as you she is saying 'oh your nice and I like to go away for weekends with you, but I'm not willing to devote myself to you and be in a serious relationship. She is not affording you or this other guy any respect at all.

Frustrated! wrote: »

Indeed, how can a "relationship" like this work?

Relationships like this don't work. They only work if something changes, if she dumps the other guy for you then happy days best of luck with that. But it's been 18months OP, i'm sorry but if it was 4-5 months then that's one thing, she's worried abut breaking up a long term relationship, but 18??? That's called having your cake and eating it.

You seem like a nice guy, my advice to you would be knock this on the head quickly before you get seriously hurt.

gerryk

You are investing time and emotion in something that will probably never go anywhere. TBH, her behaviour is pretty reprehensible, and even if she was to dump the other guy for you, who's to say that this sort of thing wouldn't show its face again.
I'd be out of there like a burning building, personally.

LegacyUser

Ok so to answer what a few of you asked, yes she is sexually active with both of us.

We have been tested and cleared.

It's tough, but the right thing to do isn't always the easiest.

I would say admittedly, I am romantically involved as apposed to friends with benefits.

KTRIC

You're being walked all over mate. She's taking one of you for a ride , in the literal sense.

Quite possible she sees you as the bit of fun and the other guy as the long term commitment.

meganj

Frustrated! wrote: »

Ok so to answer what a few of you asked, yes she is sexually active with both of us.

We have been tested and cleared.

It's tough, but the right thing to do isn't always the easiest.

I would say admittedly, I am romantically involved as apposed to friends with benefits.

Sorry to be harsh Op but this has never been a friends with benefits situation it's her cheating on someone with you.

You have my sympathy because it is hard to end things. I think you need to put it to her that something needs to change. If she refuses to dump the other guy then that's a clear indicator that she's using you.

I am sorry you've found yourself in this situation Op but you need to put yourself first because clearly this girl isn't going to.

stephen_k

I was in you situation OP, met a girl, really liked her, met up a few times, then she dropped the bombshell that she was in a long term relationship with another guy, and living with him. However I laid my cards on the table right then and there, I let her know that I was really attracted to her and wanted to pursue a relationship with her, I understood there would be a period of time involved in either ending her relationship or not going out with me, gave it 2 months and then gave the ultimatum, him or me... Only way to do it IMHO, what you have at the moment is not going to work...

dafunk

How does her "boyfriend" feel about this arrangement? Does he even know? Youve been tested and cleared but if she's sleeping with you then perhaps he's sleeping with others too, be careful there. Tbh I think people are gonna get very hurt here, look after what's best for you.

Jack B. Badd

Frustrated! wrote: »

Ok so to answer what a few of you asked, yes she is sexually active with both of us.

We have been tested and cleared.

It's tough, but the right thing to do isn't always the easiest.

I would say admittedly, I am romantically involved as apposed to friends with benefits.

OP, does her "other boyfriend" know about you? If he does & you know about him then it sounds like a polyamorous relationship rather than cheating. But you (and he, I guess) need to determine if you're ok with that type of relationship/lifestyle/arrangement. If you are, then fine but if not, then you'll only hurt yourself by carrying on with your relationship. Best of luck, OP.

Big Bag of Chips

As a female I would say ask her what's going on? Where you stand? Does she see it going anywhere, or are you just a bit of fun for her?

You have invested a year and a half of your life to this, and by the sounds of it you don't really know what's actually going on.

Only way to know is to ask her. You might get an answer you like, or you might hear something you don't like. Either way its better to find out now, than in another year and a half.

Are you 2 a secret? Does her other boyfriend know about you? Have you met any of her friends or family.

Open type relationships can work if everyone involves understands and accepts the arrangement. They can't work.if its not out in the open, and one person wants something a bit different.

I'm curious now as to what male perspective advice you were being given, that made you seek specifically female opinion!

LegacyUser

Yeah it's true that the "boyfriend" could be seeing others.

She says that I am a total opposite to him and treat her a lot better etc.

But obviously something is connecting her still.

LegacyUser

Oh and yes, this is a BIG secret to EVERYONE.

When we meet up, we head to the opposite side of town, keep a low profile, etc. Then when we go away on holiday it's bliss.

jackhammer

OP, this may sound strange, but are you sure the 'boyfriend' even exists? Do you know who he is?

I've seen a situation similar to this where there was no other guy in particular. She was actually playing the field, as it were.

paperclip2

To be honest OP it sound like you are her bit on the side. She doesn't seem to view her time with you as a 'real' relationship.

LegacyUser

Though the comments are precisely what I expected, I am grateful.

Its a strange setup and I hope to offer some closure soon.

As someone said, even she broke off with him, there will still be a cooling off period with him. As for me being the bit on the side, ok there's an element of that, but she seems to appreciate me and respect (!) me too. And I (think) I know enough about women to be able to see through this!

If you were in a) My position, b) her position?

Taltos

OP - you are fooling yourself.

She neither respects you nor appreciates you.
This is all about her - feeling loved, cared for and wanted. You and her other boyfrield are two big ego boosts.

Face it - having been the other guy - do you really think that if push came to shove that later down the road there will not be someone else as the other guy?

Personally I think you need to get some self-respect here - stop settling and find someone who really does care for you. Irrespective of what she decides - your decision should be simply - thanks but bye...

Big Bag of Chips

Frustrated! wrote: »

Oh and yes, this is a BIG secret to EVERYONE.

When we meet up, we head to the opposite side of town, keep a low profile, etc. Then when we go away on holiday it's bliss.

Well if that's enough for you then fair enough... but by the sounds of it, its not enough. You have a right to want/expect more. I just don't think you'll ever get it from her.

5 years is a long time to stay with someone who doesn't treat you right. If she really thought you were that great above him, she would have found a way to end it with the other fella 12 months ago. And don't believe all this "cooling off" stuff with her and him. If she wants to finish it, she can make a clean break... loads of people manage it.

Take the decision away from her. Finish it and find someone who will be pleased and happy to be seen out with you in public.

Think of all the cover up lies she has told to keep this hidden... if she's THAT good, could you ever be certain with her?

IrishEyes19

Frustrated! wrote: »

Though the comments are precisely what I expected, I am grateful.

Its a strange setup and I hope to offer some closure soon.

As someone said, even she broke off with him, there will still be a cooling off period with him. As for me being the bit on the side, ok there's an element of that, but she seems to appreciate me and respect (!) me too. And I (think) I know enough about women to be able to see through this!

If you were in a) My position, b) her position?

I really dont see how you think this is respect. She knows you want to be exclusive, if someone wanted you or respected you, they wouldnt do something which makes you unhappy. I dont think you see how convienient this is for her. Two guys who obviously like her, and if she has problems with one, she goes to another.

this is using, OP, And you are setting yourself up for heartbreak. If I were in your position, I would end it. For your own peace of mind and dignity. And If I were in her position. Well I would never do that to someone, please god. But if I was like that....I guess I would be thinking....sweet deal. So get out of there for your own sake. Its a mess.

LegacyUser

IrishEyes19 wrote: »

I

I dont think you see how convienient this is for her. Two guys who obviously like her, and if she has problems with one, she goes to another.

.

Wow, I admit, I did not see this.

going un-reg

OP, something that I noticed in your original post, was that she told you "a few months in" that she was seeing someone else.

Now, perhaps I've higher levels of decency, but that seemed a little bit irresponsible of her, and a bit crappy to only tell you so far into the start of your relationship. Now, I know you weren't "going out" with each other at the start, however she could have said something.

To me, it sounds like she wants her cake and eat it too. She's in a position where she has two men after her. For those that don't consider monogamy as a high priority, would relish in this situation.

You should take a good look at what you're doing yourself, you're basically sharing a girl with another bloke, you really want that? I can't see how this situation is the grounds for a strong foundation in the long term.

Just my 2 cents.

Beruthiel

Frustrated! wrote: »

she seems to appreciate me and respect (!) me too.

Stringing you along and playing you off another fella is showing appreciation and respect?

She says that I am a total opposite to him and treat her a lot better

LOL
Is that right?
Tell me then, if you're such a catch compared to this other guy, how come he hasn't been dumped in preference of you?

You're being played for a fool OP.

ihsb

Even if she leaves the other man for you... you will be always looking over your shoulder thinking that she is going behind your back with someone new. Do you really want that?

jessiejam

OP awful situation to be in
Classic case of love is blind on your part and she is having her cake and eating it!
No one should be holding down 2 relationships for 18 months!

give her an ultimatum... if you can trust her that you won't eventually become the "boyfriend" and she has some other fella on the go at the same time.

God forbid she gets pregnant...

Good luck with it

LegacyUser

jessiejam wrote: »

God forbid she gets pregnant...

Eh, we've had that scare twice.

And my thoughts were, how do we know whos kid it would be, his or mine.

KTRIC

No matter what if I was in your place I wouldn't be happy my "girlfriend" was getting diddled by another guy.

Da Shins Kelly

I'd do a runner if I were you. She's no good.

username123

Seriously, is this how low your self esteem is - to be second fiddle to the long term guy - for 18 MONTHS????

Youre a Big Secret - you know what that means dont you? She is ashamed of you. If there was nothing to be ashamed of itd be out in the open.

And as for the 'you treat her better than the other guy' - god almighty, course she tells you that! She probably tells him he is the best she ever had!

For me its all about self esteem, and mine is too high to play second fiddle, be a hidden secret or be taken in by rubbish like 'youre better than the other one' - if that was the case - why is there another one?

Youve only yourself to blame, you accepted this situation from the start (or from when she told you), so her expectation is that thats how you allow yourself to be treated.

I can 99% promise you that if you rock the boat and give her an ultimatum, you are going to be the one who gets dumped. Why do I think that? Because you are the secret, you are the one she doesnt respect or appreciate, you are the one who is her guilty pleasure. You are not the person that is given any position in her life.

Good luck, hope you get better self esteem and find a woman who respects you.

LegacyUser

Sometimes you need to be shaken around and your eyes opened........think that's what this thread has done. Thanks.