Fear of intimacy ruining my life

LegacyUser

Just wondering if there's anyone out there who is also struggling with this.

I'm a woman, mid-20s, no relationships under my belt bar a few meaningless flings and one night stands, dating has never gone anywhere from me. On the face of it I have a lot of great qualities. Intelligent, ambitious, friendly and confident socially, likeable, attractive. But this thing is a pretty big motivating factor in my life and I'm worried if I don't make some changes soon, I'll be miserable and alone indefinitely.

Recently my forever-single status has been getting to me and I've suspected it's got to do with my own personal issues. I did a google of 'fear of intimacy' last night and it pretty much confirmed everything to me (yay for self-diagnosis...)

I'm scared to get close to people because I'm scared of being vulnerable and losing control of my life. I'm uncomfortable with affection - I find it hard to hug friends or even tell my parents that I love them. To my dismay, I've realised that I've adapted this 'victim' status when it comes to men - 'all the guys I meet are a55holes, all the guys I want don't want me, all guys just want one thing' etc etc...it's like I have this construct of 'men' in my head that represents all things untrustworthy and fearful...despite the fact that, sex aside, I love male company and have great male friends.

I just have all these barriers up that if I'm dating someone, I nitpick or decide that I'm not 'perfect enough' to be worthy of a relationship and that's my get-out clause. I use past negative experiences that reinforce all these fcuked up views - as I said, no relationship experience, but something as simple as a guy not texting me back or a guy not being as into me as I am him...counts as a massive rejection in my head that chips away at my self esteem.

I've ranted a lot here. I've never actually dealt with this head-on before and it's been a bit of a revelation for me. I don't know what it's rooted in as I had a relatively non-eventful childhood, though I had quite a bit of upset in my teenage years.

I guess I'm just writing in the hope that some of this may ring a bell with someone reading it. Maybe someone's going through the same thing, or has been through the same thing and came out the other end. I think I'm ready to deal with this, I'd just love some advice or inspiration.

Thanks for reading

nowyouresix

OP: it's a vicious circle...the more you fear rejection , the more likely you are to be(in your eyes)rejected. Stop seeing it as that....sometimes people are just not meant for each other, it's just the way it goes. You fear rejection, who doesn't! But the thing is, in order to put yourself out there to the world, and seek a date for example, you have to take a risk. You fear being vulnerable, but it is that very wall you are putting up to the world, that is stopping you from being open to a relationship.
You are the master of your own mind.
You have such strong control of yourself that you are not letting yourself just be! Feel! Men are attracted to women who are in touch with their feelings, and who can be vulnerable, yet know their worth.
Men don't seek the absolute perfection that we think they do, they seek authenticity, someone who is free enough in themselves to just be themselves around them.
Stop being so afraid to feel !

Good luck !!

LegacyUser

Thanks Nowyou'resix.

I have a problem being vulnerable, that's definitely my problem. They say 'recognising you have a problem is half the battle' but that just seems academic to me - here I am, knowing how messed up my head is and yet I just feel daunted and scared and overwhelmed at how much I have to change to live a happier life.

I'm staggeringly self-aware, always have been, but it hasn't made it any easier for me to 'just be! feel!' - how exactly do you do that? Is there a process, a set of steps I can take, an approach that will lead to me becoming more open and trusting of men? Because that's exactly what I'm dealing with here - these things don't come naturally to me as they do to many, probably most people.

I'm a deeply emotional person and I think that's part of my problem. I'm not good at dealing with emotions and that has led me to many self-destructive coping mechanisms over the years. I've used food, alcohol, sex to deal with feelings of inadequacy, low self-esteem, hurt, depression. In my day to day life I am a success - I've got the job, the friends, the family, the opportunities, I've got a lot more than many but inside I feel like an emotional car crash. The prospect of sharing my life with someone scares me, because it's like that person will see the 'real me', someone I don't think much of. I think she's lazy, negative, bitter and riddled with self-esteem issues. That's not the front I put to the world, so maybe that's why intimacy is such a problem for me.

I've no problem attracting men, I just use the attention to validate myself as 'attractive', rather than explore the possibility of a relationship with someone. A bit of flirting or occasionally a brief fling is all it leads to. I'd say the way I feel about myself and the fears I have of getting close to someone are giving a bunch of negative signals to the guys that I do meet, so really I only have myself to blame.

Sorry, I'm ranting again. I just feel a bit overcome by all of this right now and I'm using this thread to sort of make sense of everything in my head.
Thanks for reading and thanks again for posting nowyou'resix.

nowyouresix

Somanyissues:I just understand you, that's all. You remind me of a younger me! You can never let yourself be truly loved until you truly love yourself. It's so cliche but it's so true. Sometimes we are our own worst enemies... You have to be comfortable with letting people see the real you, easy to write, not easy to do!! It's not a case of being open and trusting of men, it's a case of being trusting of yourself. You can't expect someone to love you if you're holding back all the time, you've got to let them in to know you in a way they can actually love you. Your fear is holding you back, but what are you so afraid of??? You will always have some sort of rejection in your life, it's part and parcel of life. Probably because you are so deeply emotional everything sticks in your head, but sometimes you've got to let go of things a little, and try not to take things so personally, and so to heart. So some one doesn't text you/call you...move on...they weren't right for you anyway ! In life we all need a thick skin from time to time, and I'm not saying to be careless with your heart, but you've got to jump out of your comfort zone and be willing to take the risk to find what tou're looking for!! Know your worth...some guy will be really lucky to find you, believe that!
Good luck!!!!!

fits

Look up Brene Brown's TED talk on vulnerability. It is a really wonderful talk and I highly recommend it for you. It might get you thinkiing in different ways.

Good luck!

YouBuyLocal

Hi OP,

I have to say, I've no credible advice. I am in the same boat. Maybe not so successful as of yet, but mid-twenties, good friends, good family, literate, strong sense of the future and where I want to go/what I want to do to earn a living, healthy, have been called good-looking, lots of interests and a sense of humour... maybe not quite a Michael Fassbender, but not a complete pariah.

Same story as yourself with regard to relationships.

I think I identify with yourself a lot, even in respect to your teenage years. I think the school system is really unnatural and causes a lot of this, throwing hormonal young people into an environment with little or no real supervision. I was in an all-boy school and while its not the case for the majority of lads (<= disclaimer) I certainly feel I don't understand the protocols and norms for approaching women.

I think the media and marketing plays a massive role in this, as so many supposedly normal people (in my view) have distorted ideas of relationships and the opposite sex, both men and women. Maybe I sound uptight there or critical, I have a very healthy and liberal attitude to sex, but I think people over-value it. And importantly, I think that women think that lads consistently and universally over-value it, which is bull****.

But this is what I am certain about. Most of the best lads I know, better guys than myself that are more charismatic, fun and genuinely good people, just want to be put up with. Most have their insecure times and are very self-critical. But they meet people I suppose because they have a little more relaxed attitude and don't look for perfection, just a bit of craic and good company. While I know women that I would like to have that with and do have a laugh with, I have no idea how to approach the subject myself. I constantly feel like I'm over-stepping unwritten boundaries.

What to do, fairly miserable about it very often

I'd say don't be down on yourself, but if you're like me it won't make much of a difference. I suppose just remember that very few lads are genuinely perfectionists. They don't see you as unworthy or a piece of meat. Thats really just a false impression created by marketing and advertising and many people have come to believe it about themselves, which perpetuates the myth. Most of what will seem to you a criticism is either complete lack of thought on his part or a defensiveness because he is feeling the same sense inadequacy.

I rambled a bit there, but hope you can meet someone. Here is a nice way of thinking about it. Think of how you're feeling. If you meet someone and form a proper relationship over a few months to years you'll definitely be taking away the same feeling of loneliness & uncertainty that you feel from them. Thats a gift.

45772

Hi OP I can relate with the issue with regards to feeling of not having control over the situation. Its unbearable, I am too ashamed to discuss it with a doctor or other professional.

Jupitermars

somanyissues wrote: »

I'm a deeply emotional person and I think that's part of my problem. I'm not good at dealing with emotions and that has led me to many self-destructive coping mechanisms over the years. I've used food, alcohol, sex to deal with feelings of inadequacy, low self-esteem, hurt, depression. In my day to day life I am a success - I've got the job, the friends, the family, the opportunities, I've got a lot more than many but inside I feel like an emotional car crash. The prospect of sharing my life with someone scares me, because it's like that person will see the 'real me', someone I don't think much of. I think she's lazy, negative, bitter and riddled with self-esteem issues. That's not the front I put to the world, so maybe that's why intimacy is such a problem for me.

Hey OP, i can also certainly relate. First off though I think you should try and cut yourself some slack, stop being so hard on yourself and thinking you are lazy, negative, bitter and riddled with self-esteem issues! Try and tell yourself to stop that voice that says 'oh you are so this , your so that'. Focus on the positive.

And yes know that you are human, you are flawed, just like everyone else. maybe sometimes you are negative, or bitter, but you have the depth of character to recognise that , and work on that. I am the same , i googled recently 'how to deal with envy' because i realised i was a little envious of my peers (not one of my proud moments haha). I recognise that and try to cop myself on! But at the same time not beat myself up because i am human.

As for building up a mental wall with regard relationships with men. I know past negative experiences can impact. Yes there are shallow assholes out there, but there are also some flipping gems! Be open to the idea of finding one, you dont have to wear your heart on your sleeve, you can be cautious but open.

I have rambled and talked a load of crockery
Best of luck in life!