A wedding not going ahead.Would you expect your gift back?

snuggles09

was talking to a friend about this over the weekend..if you were invited to a wedding and gave the gift in advance be it a cash gift in a card or a gift wrapped, if the wedding didn't go ahead would you expect the gift back?

she was invited to a wedding in March but hasn't given a gift yet, something happened and now the couple have called it a day and wedding is off but some people she knows have already given cash gifts to the couple in cards in advance and others have given material gifts

what's the "done thing" in that situation i'm just curious

Miaireland

I would consider it good manners for the gift to be returned.

snuggles09

Miaireland wrote: »

I would consider it good manners for the grift to be returned.

that's what i was thinking, but if it never materialises there's that awkward thing of how long do you leave it before you bring it up..no idea what my pals friends are going to do..probably sit it out for a while and see if they are returned..some had given cash of between 100-200 in cards..i'd say it's already been spent .. ooh it's a sticky one

Dostoevsky

snuggles09 wrote: »

was talking to a friend about this over the weekend..if you were invited to a wedding and gave the gift in advance be it a cash gift in a card or a gift wrapped, if the wedding didn't go ahead would you expect the gift back?

she was invited to a wedding in March but hasn't given a gift yet, something happened and now the couple have called it a day and wedding is off but some people she knows have already given cash gifts to the couple in cards in advance and others have given material gifts

what's the "done thing" in that situation i'm just curious

I wouldn't be that petty, but it probably would be good manners. Sometimes they may have used the present and if so, you'll get a bigger present next time you can expect a present from whichever one you're close to.

snuggles09

i'd be the same, i think it'd be good manners if they were to give it back but considering they have just split up, lost all their deposits (i'm assuming as the wedding was 5 weeks away is all), are probably mortified at having to let everyone know that i'd just let it slide and right it off

hoodwinked

i would give all the gifts back regardless of type or when we received them, they were intended as gifts for the marriage which didn't take place but thats just me.

dahamsta

I'd expect it back and I'd hold a grudge for the rest of my life if I didn't. It's the Irish way.

(I only wish I was in a position to call €100 "petty".)

tinkerbell

The gift is for the newly married couple to begin their MARRIED life. If they are not married, then they should give the stuff back. It is extremely bad form to not give back the gifts!

Sam Kade

Most people I know that give cash would wait until a few days before the wedding and some would wait until the day of the wedding.

snuggles09

Sam Kade wrote: »

Most people I know that give cash would wait until a few days before the wedding and some would wait until the day of the wedding.

you'd think that alright, i got married in August though and from the start of July there were cards coming in from people, my mother handing in cards from friends etc ( a few who got an invitation but couldn't make it ) so it does happen

Balmed Out

Id assume anyone would give it back although you could see a situation whereby the emotional trauma of it all might mean people forget these tings.

The Lovely Muffin

In my opinion all gifts should be returned if the wedding does not go ahead for whatever reason.

As for deposits etc, it's down to the couple and no one else to foot the bill(s) for any forfeited deposits, guests shouldn't be expect to foot the bill(s) for them, it's not the guests who called off the wedding, it's the couple, hence they are/should be responsible and expecting early gifts to cover any loss it quite frankly rude and selfish and any bride/groom who expected that should be thoroughly ashamed of themselves.

If the bride/groom cannot afford the financial loss then maybe they need to scale back the wedding to lower any possible losses.

jomc

I would expect a gift back tbh. If they've received a lot of cash gifts maybe they have lost track of who gave what? Or its possible that if the relationship has broken down that they may not be on good enough terms to organise the return of gifts yet. Have they formally let people know that the wedding is not going ahead

Gatica

absolutely agree... it's their problem if things didn't work out and they shouldn't expect friends and family to foot their bill. It may sound harsh, but lots of people have to save up to give someone a gift for a special occasion. If the wedding doesn't go ahead they should return their gifts.
If someone decides to say, "it's ok, you keep it", that's their prerogative and not for a couple to assume that kind of generosity.
It's understandable that there may be emotional issues for a couple if, say, they separated, and people should give them time to readjust and get their head right. However, that's not an excuse for someone not to give back gifts after a long-enough cool-down period.

Storminateacup

Was invited to a wedding last July, and 6 days before the wedding the groom committed suicide. The wedding was on the Thursday and he was buried on the Wednesday. We did not have the gift returned and to be honest, Id have felt really weird about having it back.

tatli_lokma

Storminateacup wrote: »

Was invited to a wedding last July, and 6 days before the wedding the groom committed suicide. The wedding was on the Thursday and he was buried on the Wednesday. We did not have the gift returned and to be honest, Id have felt really weird about having it back.

I think that is an exceptional circumstance. In the case of a bereavement being the reason the wedding is off, I would imagine people would be more understanding. However in such a case, I would also think poorly of any hotel that did not return the deposit as a gesture of goodwill, so at some stage I think it would still be polite for someone in the family or circle of friends (not the immediate family who are grieving, but someone else) to contact people and return gifts if at all possible.

Its unfortunate, and I imagine a very emotional time for the (ex)couple, but regardless I think it only right that gifts of all sorts be returned. I know deposits, dresses etc are paid up, but I am of the opinion that in the first place the wedding should not have been paid for on the strength of wedding gifts. The guests are no more able to 'give away' €100+.

Give back the gifts - its the right thing to do. If you can't do this immediately, I would at least contact (or get someone to do it for them), apologise and ask for patience and I am sure most people would understand and be reasonable with that

Gatica

very sorry to hear that. It must've been such a traumatic time for so many people...
However, I don't think such a circumstance arises very often. In general it's polite and proper to return the gifts if the wedding didn't go ahead. In the case of bereavement, especially such a delicate circumstance that family found themselves in, must guests would probably have known the couple well enough to be grieving with them and so the return of gifts would probably be the last thing on their mind. If it was me, I'd probably forget about it, however if I was the grieving party I would also feel obliged to return the gifts ... at some stage.

ABajaninCork

Little Ted wrote: »

Give back the gifts - its the right thing to do. If you can't do this immediately, I would at least contact (or get someone to do it for them), apologise and ask for patience and I am sure most people would understand and be reasonable with that

I totally agree the gifts must be returned if the wedding does not take place, (it's only common courtesy after all).

But I have a question. If cash gifts were given in advance, then I would assume the money/vouchers would be held until after the ceremony. Would that be right?

saa

Gatica wrote: »

if I was the grieving party I would also feel obliged to return the gifts ... at some stage.

Well I guess you just wouldn't be able to tell how you'd react, I can imagine I would not want to do it personally and it certainly wouldn't be the biggest worry on my mind with the shock. That is a tragic circumstance, even in the instance of a woman recieving gifts for a baby and loses the baby I would not expect the gift back.


If a wedding is cancelled because of a break down in a relationship the gifts should be returned, if the couple expected to pay for some of the wedding with the cash gifts then they should split the cash gifts to be returned or take on the cash gifts from their own friends and family to repay as close to half and half and if they don't find a way to repay they are letting down their own family and friends and that is their responsibilty

snuggles09

i haven't spoken to my friend since our last chat about this ( she lives in a different county to me ) so I must ask her the next time I'm talking to her and see if anything has been sorted yet..from talking with her they had officially notified everyone that the wedding wasn't going ahead so it's definitley not happening and was booked for March 10th or 3rd or something so not long left to go at all, all deposits gone i'd imagine..

will keep ye posted if I hear what happened in the end

Gatica

saa wrote: »

Well I guess you just wouldn't be able to tell how you'd react, I can imagine I would not want to do it personally and it certainly wouldn't be the biggest worry on my mind with the shock. That is a tragic circumstance, even in the instance of a woman recieving gifts for a baby and loses the baby I would not expect the gift back.


If a wedding is cancelled because of a break down in a relationship the gifts should be returned, if the couple expected to pay for some of the wedding with the cash gifts then they should split the cash gifts to be returned or take on the cash gifts from their own friends and family to repay as close to half and half and if they don't find a way to repay they are letting down their own family and friends and that is their responsibilty

You're right, no one knows how they'd react in a situation they've never been in. It may not the foremost thing on someone's mind, but at some stage people get back to normal day-to-day life again, and it's at that stage that one probably goes, hold on, I've a load of gifts for the wedding...
and I'd imagine anyone grieving does not want to sit looking at the gifts either, and would have them removed from sight so they would not have them as painful reminders.

Atomicjuicer

A lot of stuff would already have been booked/difficult to get refunds for and I don't know why people gift in advance - how are the couple to keep track of it?

Are people expected to keep excel sheets of what guests paid? As usual, begrudgery and cynicism win out on boards.ie. If a wedding has been cancelled you can bet its a traumatic, awkward and confusing mess for the couple too.

Do people give gifts to others purely so their contribution can be recorded and a "service" (food and music) be provided?

I saw a film recently with Melissa Joan Hart about a couple who have a fake wedding to get the gifts but I'd give the vast majority of normal human beings the benefit of the doubt and let it go. A gift is a gift - not a bloody transaction.

If you suspect it was some sort of cash in then obviously you don't think very highly of the couple and should have saved your cash until the day.

topcatcbr

I think I'd let them have their gift. I would however remember for any future wedding they might enter into with each other or with another and reduce any future gift accordingly.

Gatica

actually I think most couples do actually keep a record of who gave what, because that's how they write their thank-you's after the wedding. I've always got cards back that say thank you for exactly what they got from me/us, even for baby gifts.
I don't know anyone who's written generic thank you cards, and it would probably look worse if they gave someone a card saying thank you for your gift if someone didn't give them anything, may look like they were trying to rub their face in it or just didn't give a damn about who gave what.
I think the difference with weddings and just general birthday gifts is that people can sometimes give fairly sizeable gifts to help a couple in their "start in life". It would be pretty inconsiderate to accept say 500 quid off your elderly aunt who was quite generous and not give it back if the wedding didn't go ahead, whatever the circumstance, similarly then why should the rest of the guests get treated any different?