Single Parent Seeking better life

Tea Lover

Hi all

I am new to this but just thought somebody could help me out. I am a single parent, the father of my child left me when I was 4 months pregnant and then asked me to abort the baby. Since giving birth he has played an active part in our lives but claims that he cannot afford to pay maintanence, although he can afford to smoke 20 fags a day and be in the pub at least twice a week. I work full time so pay for everything.

My sons father lives with his mam who will do anything for her precious son! He has no interest in getting a job and is quite happy to stay in bed until 2 or 3 in the afternoon playing the playstation.

I cannot cope with struggling anymore, my friend has offered me a place to stay in Canada to try and improve my life, my sons father said no he will not allow me to go because he says I should be happy with a job here!!

I just find this really unfair, I really want to go to Canada and try and make a bit of money so at least I can give my son a better opportunity in life.

Do I have any right to just take my son? Please does anybody have any advice for me?

Orion

Does he have guardianship? It's not automatic for unmarried fathers. You would have had to sign an affidavit or he would have had to go to court to be named as guardian.

If he's not a guardian you can legally take the child from the country without his permission. So yes, you have the legal right to take him.

However, you say he plays an active part in the child's live - you would be taking that away by moving to Canada. It's something you should factor into your decision.

You can also apply to the courts for a maintenance order. They will look at income and circumstances and decide how much he has to pay.

Sleepy

Sounds like a perfect time to bring up the issue of maintenance again: either he makes up what he can of the difference between what you can earn here versus in Canada or you go for your child's sake. Nothing stopping him emigrating there and getting a job to be near his child either tbh.

Tea Lover

No he dosnt have guardianship, he does take him 2 days during the week while I work, does that count as guardianship?

I have asked him to come with us but he thinks Im mad that things are not that bad here!! He sees no problem living on the dole for the next 10 years.

I think courts is the only option, it has been nearly 3 years without maintenance. I always said I would never go to courts but I dont think I have much choice.

Sleepy

If he has custody 2 days (and nights) of the week it would certainly reduce what he might be expected to pay in maintenance since his fair share of supporting the child is 3.5 days per week.

If you're working full-time could you come to an arrangement whereby he takes the child 5 days a week saving you the cost of childcare?

Orion

That is not guardianship. Guardianship is a legal concept that gives him a say in the upbringing of the child and the right to refuse the child leaving the country. You can either grant it via affidavit or he can go to court to get it.

Tea Lover

He has him 1 night a week, but it is in his family home where his mother does most of the work.

I offered for him to have him more days during the week but he felt having him on a Monday was unfair because he liked to have a few drinks on a Sunday. There is no winning with him, he feels he is entitled to the same as me but does not make any effort.

I just hope him having him for 2 days is not the same as guardianship!

Tea Lover

Thanks Orion just seen that reply now, I really appreciate your help on this matter.

Scarlet42

move to canada, what sort of example is this guy setting for the child, he didn't want him in the first place and doesn't seem to make any effort at all - if he won't make any effort then why should he be involved in the decision making towards this child.

if you decide not to move .. Get this guy to start making maintanince .. he can afford to pay for fags and drink, do you have to pay for childcare while he is lying in bed hungover??

sounds like he needs a good kick in backside!

Tea Lover

Yeah I do pay for childcare, he was supposed to go half with me but always lets me down, so I just dont bother anymore!

I have started to keep a diary so I can record all the times he let me down, I just really wish I started one along time ago.

So anyone reading this who is a single parent always keep a diary, you never know when you will need one!

Jagle

sorry on the point of him having money for fags and drink, while i dont condone this behaviour, you have money for makeup and hair/beauty treatments im sure, thats terrible you are such a terrible mother for not spending every spare cent on you're child.

high horses, get off them

Tea Lover

I have money for make up etc after my bills are paid for.

How are my a bad mother? All I want is what I am entitled to.

Do you accept that a father who pays nothing towards his child, is in the right? Who says he cant afford to support his child because he has no money, but yet he has a great social life.

Squiggler

You do not need to justify yourself OP. To me it sounds like your child's father wants all the fun bits and good bits of being a father but without having to face up to any of the reality - having to mind a child even if your ill, or it's ill for that matter, the cost of feeding and clothing a child, childcare costs.

You have every right to move and find a better life for you and the child. If he doesn't want you to do that then he needs to take a more equal share of the responsibility and fork over his share of the expenses. That is only fair.

dulpit

Jagle wrote: »

sorry on the point of him having money for fags and drink, while i dont condone this behaviour, you have money for makeup and hair/beauty treatments im sure, thats terrible you are such a terrible mother for not spending every spare cent on you're child.

high horses, get off them

From what I've read the dude doesn't pay anything but still drinks/smokes - he should pay his share first..

Jagle

*mod warning*
Post deleted due to in accurate and inappropriate content.

nikkibikki

It soooooo doesn't make you a bad mother OP, don't listen to that nonsense for a milli second!!!!!

nikkibikki

Jagle wrote: »

And perhaps he has money for (drinking smoking whatever it be) after his bills are paid too,

No, he's not paying a penny towards his child's upbringing so all of his financial responsibilities are not met.

She's looking for advice, not moaning.

Jagle

nikkibikki wrote: »

No, he's not paying a penny towards his child's upbringing so all of his financial responsibilities are not met.

She's looking for advice, not moaning.

He doesnt have to, she never got a court order, and they didnt come to an agreement, she can sod off..


so if he doesnt legally owe her money, he has no bills/debt to her

Op's fault

Rose35

Some men just dont want to accept their responsibilites but are quite happy to participate in the making of the child. you sound like a great mother who has got on with it as best you could. Don't listen to the criticism thats not what you came on her for.
Sounds to me like the father of your child needs a wake up call, go to canada and enjoy your life, you deserve it.

Tea Lover

We did come to an agreement..twice.. but if you read my posts he has let me down.

I have also said courts seem to be my only option. Read all the posts before you jump down my throat!!!

Thanks guys for sticking up for me!

nikkibikki

They came to an agreement that he help her out with childcare cost, an agreement he isn't sticking to.

A lot of single mother's in this situation would have run a mile from this guy long ago, but this girl seems to be making every effort to ensure that her son has his father in his life, however useless he may be, so fair play to you OP. Don't think I'd have that sort of patience in that kind of situation!

Jagle

Tea Lover wrote: »

We did come to an agreement..twice.. but if you read my posts he has let me down.

I have also said courts seem to be my only option. Read all the posts before you jump down my throat!!!

Thanks guys for sticking up for me!

sorry i really did read but must of missed the part about the agreement, in that case OP take him to court for maintenance..
but, if you do that, he can go after guardianship and stop you moving to canada, so maybe it might be just to go..

if ye have made 2 agreements to have him pay you and he hasnt, then he has no input

Sleepy

First off: it's an utter disgrace that you're paying for childminding whilst he's in the scratcher. I can't see it being in the child's best interest to move to a different country than a father who plays an active role in it's upbringing however.

If he's on the dole and has no prospect of finding work, it really seems the best option for all concerned if he takes the child when you're working and a couple of nights a week. If this worked out at approximately 50% of the week then there's no need for anyone to pay maintenance and you'd save a fortune on the childcare costs.

If he wants his Monday in bed, he should be the one to pay the childminder for it.

Put the foot down: tell him you're going to court or he can man up and mind his child.

Tea Lover

Thanks everyone. Really appreciated. Even you Jagle :P

ash23

I agree with Sleepy. He definitely does need to step up to the plate and contribute towards his child either by minding him while you work and/or paying maintenance.
However, I don't agree that you should move away because he does have a part in this childs life and unfortunately, when we choose to have children with people, we have to accept that it means we are forever bound to them in some shape or form, whether we like it or not and all we can do is make the best of it.

Graciefacey

As much as he disgusts me with his behaviour, a child deserves to have both parents in their life even if he is a lazy bum. He needs a major reality check! Also just to add I have several friends in Canada and have visited twice, its ridiculously expensive and you'd need a very high paying job in order to actually be able to save etc. I really feel for you op, i hope that things work out for you. He needs to pull the finger out and start paying maintenance, he doesnt seem to think he has any responsibilities.

Moonbeam

Jagle wrote: »

He doesnt have to, she never got a court order, and they didnt come to an agreement, she can sod off..


so if he doesnt legally owe her money, he has no bills/debt to her

Op's fault

*mod warning*

Jagle please can you be less offensive and more factual in your posts on this forum.
If not, it will result in an infraction and a ban from here.

oeb

Hi nikkibikki,

Your Ex seems like a bit of a deadbeat, and I can understand why you want to be shot of him. Unfortuantly, as unfair as it is for him not to pull his weight, it would also be unfair (On your son) to just cut him out of his life.

What I would suggest is making a court date and applying for maintenence. If he does not pay the court ordered maintenence, procede from there.

You do not have to be in the country for him to apply for guardianship. And if you do intend to get him denied guardianship so you can move, it's worth going about this properly.

Fromthetrees

I'm going to echo what sleepy has posted above, if he steps up and takes yere son 50% of the time and in that process eliminates the need for you to pay child care, than he is covering his responsibilities, that's the way I would see it anyway and possibly the court oo.
You should put the boot in.
I think taking your son away from his father should be a last resort. To me, the only moral way you can take away a child from a parent permanently is if that parent is a threat or your child is at risk of poverty. Once a child's very basic needs are met the only other thing it needs in this world more than anything else are a mommy and a daddy.

gcgirl

Jagle wrote: »

sorry on the point of him having money for fags and drink, while i dont condone this behaviour, you have money for makeup and hair/beauty treatments im sure, thats terrible you are such a terrible mother for not spending every spare cent on you're child.

high horses, get off them

Sorry but I am really taken aback with such a comment

*mod warning*
Such comments are not helpful and do not contribute to the thread.
Please report a post if you have an issue with it.

up for anything

Fromthetrees wrote: »

I'm going to echo what sleepy has posted above, if he steps up and takes yere son 50% of the time and in that process eliminates the need for you to pay child care, than he is covering his responsibilities, that's the way I would see it anyway and possibly the court oo.
You should put the boot in.
I think taking your son away from his father should be a last resort. To me, the only moral way you can take away a child from a parent permanently is if that parent is a threat or your child is at risk of poverty. Once a child's very basic needs are met the only other thing it needs in this world more than anything else are a mommy and a daddy.

That's a bit sentimental.

I also find that 50% argument a bit silly and unequal especially in this day and age when fathers' rights are all the rage. He looks after his child 50% of the week and that's him off the hook meanwhile she works all week and looks after the child the other 50% of the week while working. It doesn't compute!

Sleepy

Why?

If a separated parent is minding, clothing, housing and feeding his child 50% of the time, what more responsibility should they have?

Obviously this deadbeat isn't doing that but imho, it'd be the ideal scenario for child-rearing where the parents aren't co-habiting.

rizzle74

Hi im in the same kinda position.i want to move to uk from ireland with my 3 kids.as my youngests childs dad has moved bk there due to no wrk here.and i now am in no position to wrk myself if if there was any work there.but my eldest childs dad has guardianship and has access with would amount to 3 whole days a month.i wanted the child to come bk on a weekend visitation per month.i think the would have a better up bringing in the uk .my boyfriend has 3 kids himself who he is sole carer to and under the same roof they have a perfectly happy family unit.any thoughts ????

nikkibikki

@oeb Tea Lover is the OP not me! :-)

@rizzle74 Have you approached your oldest child's dad on this? He might b accommodating on this, esp if he could have the child longer during school hols etc. How old is this child?

rizzle74

The child is 6.he will not be accomodating to nything.he didnt even want me taking the child there on holiday terified in case i would not bring him back.there is no way i would take him illegally

Gurgle

OP, you need to straighten this **** out.
Maybe I'm mis-interpreting, but it sounds like you have made only verbal agreements with the Dad. Get an agreement in writing, signed and witnessed and make him stick to it.

It sounds like he does want to be a Dad. It is utterly unfair to deny him this by disappearing off to Canada, but he has to step up to the plate or take the consequences.

Fromthetrees

up for anything wrote: »

That's a bit sentimental.

I also find that 50% argument a bit silly and unequal especially in this day and age when fathers' rights are all the rage. He looks after his child 50% of the week and that's him off the hook meanwhile she works all week and looks after the child the other 50% of the week while working. It doesn't compute!

I find your post ridiculous quite frankly. What exactly is 'sentimental' about thinking a child is better knowing both parents, I mean the OP did say the father is involved, just not as much as she would like, that to me is what the issue is here and what should be addressed, the father hasn't run off or been abusive so why try deny their relationship. To me it just sounds like the father needs to grow up a bit, stop being mammied, get a job and find his own place, that's just my view.
I didn't say 50% as an argument, I simply made a suggestion, what actually happens is between both parties. I said 50% because I doubt the OP would only want to see her child much less than that, that's just common sense. What would you suggest? If she is working it is to support herself and her child, I assume she is getting paid for this, that's not letting anyone 'off the hook', that's the way the world works. If the father was working and spent 50% of the time with the child I would assume he would pay maintenance which wouldn't be the case the opposite way around.
I find your language inflammatory, to say 'fathers rights are all the rage' like it is some sort of new trendy thing to get into just goes to show how ignorant you are of the situation in this country.

implausible

OP, if you can get your child's dad to either start paying up for childcare or doing his fair share, then your financial situation should start to improve. Canada may not have to be an option after all. If he is made to start contributing his fair share, you might even be able to afford a holiday to Canada.

Go after him for the maintenance OP and continue to keep track of your expenses and his lack of contribution.

mammmmmy

I've been there. You need to make a decision tho- if you are thinking of moving to Canada it may not be the best idea to apply for maintenance as he will definitely apply for guardianship- the only way he won't be granted guardianship is if he has a serious criminal record. Once he has guardianship you cant legally take the child out of the country without his permission. Everybody's situation is different though, a consultation with a solicitor will cost you €90 approx. Write down a list of questions well in advance of your consultation-it could be the best 90 u ever spent. Don't just get any solicitor - you need a solicitor who is well practiced in 'family law'. Do think about the support system you would have in Canada tho- if you decide to stay here you are very much entitled to maintenance and the courts are the only way to go- just because you take him to court it doesnt mean you're a bad person- more the case that he's the bad person for letting it go this far.

rolly1

mammmmmy wrote: »

I've been there. You need to make a decision tho- if you are thinking of moving to Canada it may not be the best idea to apply for maintenance as he will definitely apply for guardianship- the only way he won't be granted guardianship is if he has a serious criminal record. Once he has guardianship you cant legally take the child out of the country without his permission. Everybody's situation is different though, a consultation with a solicitor will cost you €90 approx. Write down a list of questions well in advance of your consultation-it could be the best 90 u ever spent. Don't just get any solicitor - you need a solicitor who is well practiced in 'family law'. Do think about the support system you would have in Canada tho- if you decide to stay here you are very much entitled to maintenance and the courts are the only way to go- just because you take him to court it doesnt mean you're a bad person- more the case that he's the bad person for letting it go this far.

Endorsement and advising on child snatching is disgusting. Bits of paper that would only be denied to serious criminals doesn't make it any less so.

3 years is plenty of time to have sorted maintenance out.
Of course a bum will be a bum if he is left to be a bum.

mammmmmy

rolly1 wrote: »

Endorsement and advising on child snatching is disgusting. Bits of paper that would only be denied to serious criminals doesn't make it any less so.

3 years is plenty of time to have sorted maintenance out.
Of course a bum will be a bum if he is left to be a bum.

I told her the way the law in this country works. As for a bum being a bum if so left to be- surely its not her responsibility to make him be a decent father- she already has 1 child to care for.

the_syco

Tea Lover wrote: »

lives with his mam who will do anything for her precious son!

Sounds like the fathers mother is taking care of your son as they see the son as their grandson and want to have some sort of active role in his upbringing, which is nice and all, but nice doesn't help pay your bills.

http://www.cic.gc.ca/english/immigrate/skilled/index.asp may be what you seek.

rolly1

mammmmmy wrote: »

I told her the way the law in this country works. As for a bum being a bum if so left to be- surely its not her responsibility to make him be a decent father- she already has 1 child to care for.

On the one hand you are quite happy to point out that the law makes the disgusting practice of child snatching legal, while on the other hand saying she has no responsibility to her child to use the law to seek maintenance.

No doubt though if it was a father being denied access for 3 years he would be told by the same crew here to go through the courts and what the hell has taken him so long to do so!

rolly1

the_syco wrote: »

Sounds like the fathers mother is taking care of your son as they see the son as their grandson and want to have some sort of active role in his upbringing, which is nice and all, but nice doesn't help pay your bills.

http://www.cic.gc.ca/english/immigrate/skilled/index.asp may be what you seek.

Yep and we have clearly established that the bills aren't paid and oh, the child is starving. The tolerance and endorsement of child snatching on this thread is despicable.

I would love to see the responses and their tone if the genders were switched in the OP.

Mickkenny

[personal abuse post snipped]

carbob

[illegible and inaccurate post snipped]

Orion

Old thread. Closed.