Am I gay?

LegacyUser

I know there is an LGBT forum here but I'm not comfortable discussing this subject there and I really really would like a non biased opinion..
I am confused to put it mildly about my sexuality. I never considered myself gay until a discussion came about back in 2004 when I was debating bisexuality with a group of people. I always thought bisexuality was natural, like that's how people came out of the womb and they chose a particular direction at some stage along the way. I know now it's a weird way of looking at things but it made sense to me and when people then followed it up with "why, are you attracted to women?" I answered honestly that it was normal to be and felt that it was just most people weren't being honest when they said they weren't.

I was asked if I ever loved a woman and I knew I had but in a way that wasn't particularly sexual so in my mind it wasn't the same and argued this point. I did consider her a soul mate and would gladly have spent the rest of my days with her but I don't think it's the same thing. Consequently I was informed that I was gay but I laughed it off because I couldn't relate. I started to become confused after the conversation and started thinking maybe they were right, maybe I was gay and I just didn't know it. I wasn't in a relationship with a man and hadn't been for a long time and genuinely didn't have an interest in one I just thought I was a not very sexual/interested in relationship kind of person.

So I started looking online for places I could talk about it and and never really found anywhere. I didn't feel like I fit in the lgbt box (no pun intended). After a while I just began to accept that I wasn't heteronormative at any rate but still couldn't relate to being gay. I decided the only way to really find out was to get my feet wet and struck up "friendships" with some women who were.

Initially everything was fine, sexually it was pleasurable (apologise for being direct) but there was nothing else there and I ended up feeling empty and now I'm back to being confused. All those things I had said about loving a woman were absent, there was no emotional connection and nothing much that I thought I could offer in terms of a relationship and I'm back to feeling non sexual again.

I know a few things for sure. I know I am more emotionally attracted to women than men. I know I would take a lifelong emotional relationship with a woman over any kind of physical relationship male or female anyday, I'm just not sure that makes me a lesbian.
I don't know where to go and have thought about talking to someone professionally about this, I think my desire for closeness with women is probably something psychological and makes me feel like I'm broken.

Beruthiel

womanstuff wrote: »

I know there is an LGBT forum here but I'm not comfortable discussing this subject there.

Why not?
There are some people in that forum who can at least relate to what you are saying.
They may also know of someone who you could go to.
I think talking to a professional maybe of great benefit to you.

Maybe you just haven't met the one for you yet.
Maybe it's not a case of whither they are male or female, but rather this person just fits with you.

Honestly, nobody can tell you what you are or aren't.
Only you can come to that decision.
Why do you need to put a label on it?

Best of luck in your search.
btw - I can move this over to LGBT any time you wish.

LegacyUser

OP is there a reason why you need a label for yourself?

I know some people need to have that label in order to deal with some things within themselves or some people need to have labels on other people for various reasons but there are plenty of people, myself included, who don't feel a need for a label. I've dated both men and women but I've never used the labels Bisexual/Gay/Straight to describe myself, I've no dislike for the terms or anything I've just never felt the need to use them so I don't use any label as I'm either dating someone or single and that's enough for me. Others have found a need to place a label of bi or gay or my fav confused on me but that's their need to do it not mine.

There are also plenty of gay and bi men and women who don't feel like the fit in the "gay scene", hell I've several straight friends who are more into the gay scene then some gay friends.

Oryx

Youre not broken. You dont just fit into what you see are the conventional boxes of sexuality (straight, gay, bi). I know it might seem an easier way to live, knowing 'what' you are, but I think youre far better off with a more fluid attitude than trying to force yourself to comply with a self imposed description of what you think you should be.

This may sound airy fairy, but at the end of the day, all any of us ever wants is to be loved (and to have someone to love back). Who cares what gender this lover is, or if you move between genders with each relationship? Do what makes you fulfilled.

LegacyUser

Beruthiel wrote:

Why not?
There are some people in that forum who can at least relate to what you are saying.

In the past I have tried to discuss these things in an lgbt environment in particular hoping to glean some insight but I never really found anyone I could relate to enough to be honest with. I know it sounds silly but for the moment I'm more interested in a straight viewpoint. I still feel straight and maybe I just want to know that it's "normal" as a straight person to feel this way.

OP is there a reason why you need a label for yourself?

I used always say the same thing, just be who you are and life will sort itself out.
I still live by that ideology, it's just some things have come up for me lately which have given me cause me to think about where I am in life.
I met someone just before Christmas and while she's straight she knows that I am for the most part only interested in women she spends quite a bit of time asking questions about why that might be. She knows a little about my background and she suggested that it was probably because I had a bad relationship with my mother and subsequently I need to feel validated or loved or need to give love to a woman as an adult to satisfy the needs of an inner child. Like an oedipus complex in reverse.
I know exactly what she's referring to and I don't feel offended by the suggestion but it does give me pause for thought and as a result I've been questioning my "motives" as it were.
I've been going over all the relationships I've had in my life and questioning how they made me feel and I do seem to want to give more than I need to receive and I'm now wondering if I've not just been inadvertently obstructing the possibility of a "normal" relationship by creating ones that satisfy my desire to love and be loved by women.

Oryx wrote:

This may sound airy fairy, but at the end of the day, all any of us ever wants is to be loved (and to have someone to love back). Who cares what gender this lover is, or if you move between genders with each relationship? Do what makes you fulfilled.

This is the advice that I would give someone else and I know deep down that's all that really matters, being happy and having someone to love. I just feel that the pool I'm swimming in is limited and it's difficult to meet gay women who are interested in anything other than sex. Which makes it almost impossible to consider there could ever be anything more. I'm finding myself hiding behind straightness in order to form relationships with straight women in order to cater to the emotional aspect of my needs but I am happy doing this as it fulfills my needs.


Appreciate all your advice, thanks.

Beruthiel

womanstuff wrote: »

I'm more interested in a straight viewpoint. I still feel straight and maybe I just want to know that it's "normal" as a straight person to feel this way.

To feel confused?
Speaking for myself, no, I've never been confused on this particular issue.
Everyone is different though.....

baby and crumble

Hey there,

As mod over in LGBT, feel free to pop over, we're honestly not too big into labels or persuading people they're gay!

From my POV, I came out as lesbian to myself when I was about 16, and then began a process when I went to college of coming out to the world. I identify primarily as lesbian, but i certainly have strong emotional ties to men- and I now don't rule out finding one sexually attractive- it's unlikely though, if I'm honest.

For what it's worth my gf identifies as bi and she describes almost exactly what you did- she just assumed everyone found all genders attractive, so it came as a surprise to her that not everyone did, so you're not crazy or anything!

it's interesting that you say you 'feel' straight, yet are also primarily interested in women. to me that just sounds like you're bi but lean more towards digging chicks, and don't feel a kinship or strong draw towards the lgbt scene or community. there's nothing wrong with that.

LegacyUser

I probably should have said earlier, I don't feel a draw toward men in any way at all. I forget to think about that part a lot. I have a lot of male friends but I can't think of them as anything other than friends. I am flattered when I get hit on by men but the conundrum for me is not male or female, otherwise I might find the bi label comfortable. I seem to need more emotional relationships rather than physical ones and I prefer these with women.

I was reading a thread over in the lgbt forum recently about the "choice" to be gay. I can understand because I feel that if I'm with a woman it's a choice as I know I am able to live without either. And then maybe it is as someone else has stated that I just haven't met the right person yet.
I'm also starting to become aware that I might be projecting my own issues onto the lgbt community as a whole and in that way making it impossible to fully step over the line so just talking about this helps.

If you think it's worth discussing there feel free to move the thread. Thanks.

Ickle Magoo

Moved from PI.

Think you'll get some great advice/discussion here OP.

All the very best. :cool:

LegacyUser

I think I think a lot. Sorry for rambling and thanks for the input.

baby and crumble

OP, it's natural to think a lot. It can be a right pain though.

Perhaps you're asexual, there's more people than you think who identify as such. Romantic asexuals form loving emotional bonds but don't necessarily feel the need or desire for sex.

Might be worth looking at, if you're going down that road of finding out who and what you are.

LegacyUser

baby and crumble wrote:

OP, it's natural to think a lot. It can be a right pain though.

Perhaps you're asexual, there's more people than you think who identify as such. Romantic asexuals form loving emotional bonds but don't necessarily feel the need or desire for sex.

Might be worth looking at, if you're going down that road of finding out who and what you are.

I think it's at least a closer fit to how I really feel. I know I will keep the door open but at the moment I'm thinking it's better to leave the sexual aspect aside as I do feel fulfilled with emotionally right now..and from experience, as soon as relationships become more than that everything gets messed up. I just want something a little more lasting for a while. thanks again.

baby and crumble

No worries, anytime!

Just don't get too hung up on what you are, just focus on who you are as an individual. That sounds kinda corny, but it's a good motto I find.

Dwn Wth Vwls

It really sounds like you have this idea of "this is what gay is" and you're comparing yourself to it and not seeing a match. It also sounds a bit like you think "straight" means "normal" and you feel normal, so you feel straight.

Labels are just words. You're a woman who can't see men as more than friends, and who has attractions to women. Whatever label you end up with from that, I don't think it's going to be straight.

You know that you thrive on emotional connections with women, but it sounds like you just went out and had sex just to try it. If there was no emotional connection, it doesn't seem surprising that you weren't interested in it? Perhaps see if you can combine both into one relationship, the emotional connection and then the sex.

Edit: Doesn't really apply of course if you feel happier with the idea of asexuality.

qwertytlk

If you arent into the sexual side of things with either men or women then i can see why you dont feel as though your gay. Perhaps your just into people in general. Wheater that be a male or female, just as long as you have a connection with them? When you meet the right person im sure the spark of sexual attraction will be there, but for the moment maybe your not allowing yourself to feel these things because your mixed up about everything and confused as to where you 'fit in'? Or as another psoter said, mybe your not into the scene at all. I have gay friends who despise the gay scene as they feel its all about sex, and others who love it.

LegacyUser

Lot of truth in those last two posts. I've found as I'm getting older I prefer emotional connections. In the past I found sex with men blasé and consequently ceased being interested. It wasn't like there was anything outside of a physical relationship with a man to carry it over and I'm more inclined to just see them as friends. I could never imagine myself living with a man. Problem is I'm finding it's going the same way with women, I can take it or leave it but at least without the sexual side of it, it's still more fulfilling emotionally and I could live with that.

Don't get me wrong it is nice being intimate with someone but I rarely have to be emotionally connected for that to happen and maybe I'm just after putting myself in a position where I don't allow it to.

But for now I'll gladly take the emotional connection over anything else and see where it takes me

Jupitermars

Maybe you are gay , maybe your bi. maybe you prefer men, maybe you prefer women. if your unsure than keep an open mind and dont feel the need to label yourself.

you say that you thought you were in love with a woman before but that it was emotional and not sexual, and then when you were with a woman or women that it was sexual but not emotional. Maybe the most recent experience with women hinged on the 'sexual' aspect, maybe you simply weren't emotionally connected to that particular person / those people. That is not to say that you would not have both a sexual and emotional connection with a woman in the future. Forgive me, sometimes my vision of life is very black and white.

wexford awake

womanstuff wrote: »

I know there is an LGBT forum here but I'm not comfortable discussing this subject there and I really really would like a non biased opinion..
I am confused to put it mildly about my sexuality. I never considered myself gay until a discussion came about back in 2004 when I was debating bisexuality with a group of people. I always thought bisexuality was natural, like that's how people came out of the womb and they chose a particular direction at some stage along the way. I know now it's a weird way of looking at things but it made sense to me and when people then followed it up with "why, are you attracted to women?" I answered honestly that it was normal to be and felt that it was just most people weren't being honest when they said they weren't.

I was asked if I ever loved a woman and I knew I had but in a way that wasn't particularly sexual so in my mind it wasn't the same and argued this point. I did consider her a soul mate and would gladly have spent the rest of my days with her but I don't think it's the same thing. Consequently I was informed that I was gay but I laughed it off because I couldn't relate. I started to become confused after the conversation and started thinking maybe they were right, maybe I was gay and I just didn't know it. I wasn't in a relationship with a man and hadn't been for a long time and genuinely didn't have an interest in one I just thought I was a not very sexual/interested in relationship kind of person.

So I started looking online for places I could talk about it and and never really found anywhere. I didn't feel like I fit in the lgbt box (no pun intended). After a while I just began to accept that I wasn't heteronormative at any rate but still couldn't relate to being gay. I decided the only way to really find out was to get my feet wet and struck up "friendships" with some women who were.

Initially everything was fine, sexually it was pleasurable (apologise for being direct) but there was nothing else there and I ended up feeling empty and now I'm back to being confused. All those things I had said about loving a woman were absent, there was no emotional connection and nothing much that I thought I could offer in terms of a relationship and I'm back to feeling non sexual again.

I know a few things for sure. I know I am more emotionally attracted to women than men. I know I would take a lifelong emotional relationship with a woman over any kind of physical relationship male or female anyday, I'm just not sure that makes me a lesbian.
I don't know where to go and have thought about talking to someone professionally about this, I think my desire for closeness with women is probably something psychological and makes me feel like I'm broken.

I am a woman, and I'm on the verge of diagnosing myself Asexual. I have a very low sex drive and I lack total interest in sex, just don't know why people consider so important. I could never imagine myself in a relationship with a man where we would be having sex a few times a week, but I'd love to be in a relationship with a man and cuddle up to him going to sleep every night. I questioned my sexuality years ago, but I don't seem to be sexually attracted to same sex.. It's like I'm very fussy when it comes to clicking with men. if I had a choice of 500 men there is a very high chance that I wouldn't be attracted to any of them. I'm kinda obsessed(not in a dangerous way) though with this guy, that is married, and a a few decades older than me. I would never tell him how feel, but unless I was ever in a sexual encounter with him,and knew what it is like to ride someone I may truly connect with, I don't think I will ever truly find out what is wong with me. I am 31 and I lost my virginity when I was 21 to another married man, who I deffinately at the time thought I loved. I loved been with him but the sex made me feel uncomfortable. I haven't had sex since. Sometimes I think that I'm the way I am because I'm so afraid of getting pregnent outside of marraige, but other women seem to put those fears aside, so I really don't know. The best way to describe myself is that it takes certain men to turn me on. very few will press all my buttons. I do like characteristics in me, such as to be tall, strong etc, and I love a man in a suit. I just hope I find someone my own age I click with, and when I have a sexual encounter with them I should know whether it's asexuality or what. I hope and pray

LegacyUser

I am almost the opposite but with women. I did feel as though I had a breakthrough after writing about it and it took a lot of pressure off of me. I also read posts on another forum that helped put things in perspective and gave me some understanding of the term the fear of intimacy, as this condition shall now be known. It doesn't appear to be gender sensitive either but I found that instead of seeking stable relationships I was going out and having meaningless encounters with women to fulfill my needs, which obviously hasn't been working.
Almost as soon as I finished posting about it I thought of going out and just being with somebody, it's almost like a drug that you know is bad for you but you become dependant on and need it to make you feel better. It was easy to do and gave me what I wanted, intimacy, regardless of how lousy it was.
I wasn't remotely interested in or attracted to the people I was having these encounters with and wasn't especially enjoying it so naturally I began questioning but
I now know why it was so difficult to do that with someone I actually liked and with that understanding it's a work in progress but think I'm finally figuring things out.

wexford awake

I go on a dating site looking for men, but dont ask me why, because I don't know myelf, I know I probably won't be attracted to them anyway.

LegacyUser

I have done the same on dating sites with women but take one look at what's available and go no thanks. It was easier to go out have a few drinks and go back with some random stranger. I never cared much about who they were or what they looked like or if I even liked them. The act of physical sex is meaningless to me at this stage. I could have done the same with men but I had already been in two long term relationships with men in the past and I already knew I didn't have an interest in another one.
The last relationship I was in with a man lasted over a year and I never had sex with him. Ever. I have no idea why he stuck around for as long as he did and I know I didn't feel anything for him as anything more than a friend. After that I just left the idea of having a relationship with a man go, I thought at that time that I should at least feel something but I never did.

I'm thinking now I'm probably closer to bi, I feel the same way about both. The only difference is that I have lived with a woman, in a non sexual relationship and that is the only time I recall being happy with anyone.

LegacyUser

I know this might not be relevant but I did grow up in a physically violent environment and went from that into a physically and sexually abusive relationship with a man. Relationships in general are difficult for me. I have no intention of ever being with a man again, for whatever psychological reasons are there I know in my heart and soul I will never be able to move past them. Any kind of physical intimacy I have is the emotionally unattached kind because that's the only way I know how to be. For me being emotionally connected with someone, with a woman has greater value than everything else.

floggg

OP have you thought about seeing a counsellor? Whatever your sexual orientation you do sound like you have some underlying relationship issues which may be worth exploring.

LegacyUser

I have in the past but never discussed these issues in particular. In my experience they don't pry too much for information and I wouldn't have been very forthcoming with it and then they just give you a list of books to read and tell you to go help yourself. I have read a lot of books

I will see if I can find someone better though. thanks

baby and crumble

OP, I don't know if LGBT is the best place to talk about these relationship/ intimacy issues, you might do well to post a new thread in PI around specifics.

Best of luck though

blueruin

I can't recommend counselling strongly enough for understanding yourself and how you relate to others.
In any case, I believe you love someone for what's in their heart, not what's in their pants.