Husband's affair - need advice

GoingUnReg

Hi all

My husband has recently told me that he's having affair with a woman he works with and he thinks he loves her. I am willing to try and salvage the marriage, if he is willing to end the affair. Obviously I'm aware that there will be a lot of counselling ahead of us before we will know if a reconciliation is even possible; that's not my issue.

My issue is that I have been reading a lot of advice on the best way to force an end to an affair. Several websites advocate total exposure of the affair, the idea being that affairs thrive on secrecy and once they're subjected to the cold, hard light of day, a lot of the appeal wears off. Both our families and all of our friends have already been told of the affair, so that's not an issue. However, it is also advised to expose the affair to everyone you possibly can on the other woman's side also. In my case, this would mean a PM to every single one of her Facebook friends. ALL the advice on a particular website I have found otherwise helpful is saying that this absolutely must be done. I have several major issues with this, namely:

1. I really don’t want to do anything that will potentially drive them further together. I don't want to give her any excuse to go running to him saying "Oh my God, your big meanie of a wife is trying to ruin my life, *whinge whinge whinge*

2. Ireland has a very weird tendency to blame the victim – I can see myself being labelled the psycho ex-wife instead of the innocent party

3. I can see it having the exact opposite effect than intended – that all her friends and family will rally around her and encourage her.

I just think Ireland is a very idiosyncratic little country and I can very, very easily see this tactic backfiring spectacularly.

I would really appreciate any and all thoughts/feedback on this.

Thanks a million

Miss Fluff

GoingUnReg wrote: »

I am willing to try and salvage the marriage, if he is willing to end the affair.

But only after you've gone down this particularly nasty and spiteful path? Seriously? What kind of crazy websites are your consulting?

If you are serious about salvaging your marriage then you need to start that painful process with your husband and with counselling as you have already pointed out, not engaging in some ludicrous tit-for-tat game with this other woman.

He has already said he thinks he loves her (and for that I am sorry for you, it must be an immensely painful thing to hear) but you can't force the affair to end, if they want to be together they will be together.

I think your first port-of-call should be some couple's counselling to decide BETWEEN YOU whether you want to salvage your marriage and then work on the best steps forward together.

GoingUnReg

Thanks, Miss Fluff. Like I said, it seems a surefire way to cause ructions to me, but the theory behind it is that A) you couch the exposure in very calm and collected terms so that spite can't be seen as a factor and you marriage can potentially survive your OH's anger at being exposed, but it can't survive an ongoing affair. Again, like I said, a large part of me is very :rolleyes: at all this

blue skye

I know this is gonna be hard to handle but you CAN'T stop him having an affair unless he wan'ts to!!!!!

You can do all you want but seriously it's him who need's/want's to change!

Really you can't do anything about what someone is doing! He has his own mind & will do what he what's.

I would suggest trying to move on yourself & get him OUT of the house to give you some space to think about YOU!!!!!

Good luck to you xxx

Daisy M

Why do you have such faith in this particular website? It sounds as if you are been brainwashed,common sense is telling you one thing anda website is telling you something completely different, why are you entertaining it?

I would be more concerned in making sure both you and your husband are committed to saving your marriage and that all ties with this woman has been cut. Has he asked for a transfer to make sure he puts as much distance between them as possible?

I know its tempting to lash out at this woman, but its your husband who deserves your wrath not this woman, you were married to him and he broke your marriage vows not her.

I hope things get better for you soon, I think you should keep away from those sites they sound mad and will end up holding you back.

GoingUnReg

Daisy M wrote: »

Why do you have such faith in this particular website? It sounds as if you are been brainwashed,common sense is telling you one thing anda website is telling you something completely different, why are you entertaining it?

Hi Daisy. A lot of what's said on the site makes a lot of sense, but then a certain amount of it is so much Americanised babble. I guess I'm trying to separate the wheat from the chaff, so to speak.

sherbett32

do you love your husband?
Does he love you?
Do you want to save your marriage?
Does your husband?

Nothing really matters except this.

You say you weren't living together due to other issues. What is it you really want? Don't focus your energy on the other woman. You can't change what has happend but you can choose your future.

MissFlitworth

GoingUnReg wrote: »

However, it is also advised to expose the affair to everyone you possibly can on the other woman's side also. In my case, this would mean a PM to every single one of her Facebook friends.

That just reeks of vengeance to me. I can see how dragging an affair out into the light might make it a less attractive option for the pair of them but if your husband is so little into this woman that he wouldn't weather the disapproval of her friends to be with her then it's not her he wants so much as something on the side. It wouldn't, to me, say an awful lot for your marriages chances if it needed that kind of step in order to save it

Neyite

My sympathies regarding what you are going through. I personally think that it would be a bad idea to "name and shame" her. I think it shows a lack of dignity were you to go down that route.

You also leave yourself open to where people would see you as the one thats slightly unhinged here, and then the inevitable "no wonder he strayed" type comments get uttered by idiots. You have enough on your plate I think without that kind of stuff.

I am also of the opinion that you havent let him sweat enough. Before even ending this affair, you have told him that you want to work on fixing your marriage. What that says to me is that he knows he has nothing to lose. He can take all the time he wants to sort his head out, eke out the affair a few more weeks "to see how he feels about her" etc. meanwhile you are sitting at home waiting for him to get his act together and come back when he is good and ready.

Has he even ended the affair? You cant say that you will work on your marriage when he is still falling in love with her.

Sleepy

TBH, it's a pathetic response of a scorned woman.

The other woman owes you no loyalty, your husband does.

A cousin of mine's ex did something similar when she cheated on him, messaged every mutual contact they had on facebook "exposing" her cheating and telling everyone all the secrets she'd confided in him. I'm particularly close to this cousin and knew all of her "dirty secrets" already so none of it was a great shock to me. It would, however, have been quite distressing for her parents etc.

The end result was that any of us who had thought he seemed like a nice bloke came to think of him as a vengeful little ****. What did he get out of it? The only answer I have is revenge.

The end result for you if you go through with this is that people you don't know (and anyone who know both you and the other woman) will see you as a vengeful person trying to hurt someone they like who's done something they most likely don't approve of. It will also have exactly the result you outlined above: drive them together against you.

BattleCorp

He is still having the affair even though you know about it.

This means that he doesn't give a crap about you. I do have sympathy for your situation but there's not much to be saved here.

No matter how much you want to save your marriage, it takes both of you to give 100%. Obviously if he is still "carrying on" with this woman, he has no intention of saving it.

Sorry to say, but you have no hope of saving it on your own.

Keep your dignity and don't embark on a poisonous campaign against the other woman, or your husband for that matter.

To be honest, this sounds like a marriage that's dead in the water.

GoingUnReg

Thanks all, got the answers I wanted about the exposure thing.

Mods, can you please lock? Thanks.

Missy Moo Moo

Sorry to hear about your situation OP

While your over-riding urge is probably to seek revenge or hurt them, I beg you not to take the approach of sabotaging your husbands mistress. It'll achieve the exact opposite of what you intend. Keep your dignity and don't tip the balance in their favour.

I'm also sorry to say this but I would tend to agree with the other posters who have said that this marriage seems as good as over. "I'm having an affair and I may love her, I need time to sort out my head" does not sound like the actions of a man who is full of remorse and wanting to work on the marriage. Maybe he told you so you would end it, not out of guilt or a want to set things right?

As hard as it is, I would not be waiting around for him.

Taltos

Closed at request of OP.