Don't Know What to Do With Friend

LegacyUser

Hey! Just wanted to ask everyone a question, don’t know if I should just leave this or what?
Basically was seeing a lad for over a year (not together anymore because he was constantly cheating), he was always extremely abusive (usually verbally) but over the past few months he has turned physically violent. For example, last week he tried to hit me a few times (he would touch my face and each time before he could do anything, I would push him away). This was unwarranted, the only reason he was doing this was because he wasn’t getting any attention from me, simple as. Because of his attempts I threw him out of the house but not before the lad spat in my face just before he left. He has attempted to hit me so many times at this point, he has succeeded in doing so before, he punched me in the stomach one time in bed, for which his reasoning behind it was “I was angry and punched the bed but you got in the way”. It was a similar excuse for the spitting, “I tried to spit at the door but your face got in the way” – no joke, this is what he is claiming! I had to bring him back that night after all that because he kept telling me he was going to kill himself and told me that he was “attacked” as he was walking through the city, which I don’t believe.

The problem is at the moment, I think this lad needs serious counselling (he has deep family problems as well as immense alcohol related problems), I am the only person who he acts this way to and I am the only person that knows what he is truly like. I have told him that I want to contact a friend of his and tell her what he has been doing and to encourage him to get professional help, I need to get out of this “relationship” and to do so I need to know that others know of his problems. He acts all happy around them, one of the lads, but behind closed doors lies a tragic figure with a multitude of problems. I had told him this last night, however, he refused to allow me to do so, stating that he does not want anyone to know. He even threatened me with legal action, saying that I’m a liar and that he will sue me for slander (which is ridiculous). Apparently he even organised a meeting today with a solicitor and that I will be contacted some day this week?! I don’t want to “slander “ the guy and spread stories around, I just wanted to tell a trusted friend of his so that she will encourage him to get help. My whole day has been ruined with this, I think I got in the range of 50 texts today criticising me and threatening me, I just can’t take any more of his sh!t. My question is, should I tell a trusted friend of his and get out of this situation now? (as I seem to be the only one who knows his problems and therefore I will be the one he will be contacting when he has his “depression”), or just leave him to deal with his own problems? (but then again I am afraid of what he will do to himself when I’m gone). Thanks for reading.

daisybelle2008

fedupofhim wrote: »

I think this lad needs serious counselling

You also need serious counselling. Forget completely about him and trying to 'fix' his issues. You have enough to be dealing with sorting your own problems.

Allowing someone to spit on you, hit you and threaten you for a year is a sign that you are very vulnerable and need to remove yourself from toxic people and situations.

He does not want your help and only wants to use you as a punch bag to take out his anger and frustration. He is not your responsibility. You are your responsibility.

Concentrate on sorting yourself out and don't waste another precious second worrying about him. Your only priority now should be getting some support for yourself.

I am sure the mods can give some good links to support for YOU. This person is bullying, harassing and violent towards you.

Cease all contact and never cross his path again. He'll sort himself out if and when he is ready and not on your watch.

Wompa1

To be blunt, it's not your problem. Walk away, cut contact completely. Tell him not to come near you and if he does just call the gardai.

Chinafoot

You can't fix this man and I would strongly urge you to cut contact with him completely. You are not responsible for him or his behaviour. He used emotional blackmail to get back into your house and I would bet my life's savings that he had absolutely no intention of harming himself.

He is verbally and physically abusive and you should report him for assault and get yourself legal advice regarding obtaining a protective/restraining order against him.

He is not your problem and you should remove him from your life as soon as possible for your own safety.

nowyouresix

OP: much as you want to help him, you're not being very kind to yourself by letting yourself get in to a potentially dangerous situation. My advice would be to just get out of this relationship immediately. You have offered your support, he hasn't taken it ,or wanted it, it would seem. You owe him nothing more. Please, don't enable him any longer. Cut him loose. Don't become a statistic.

Good luck!

Sardonicat

OP, he is an abusive controller. This has nothing to do with depression. He may be a wreck and it may be tragic but it sounds like a tragedy of his own making.

Are you sure no-one else knows what he is "really" like? You mention he has deep family problems. Where are they in all of this? If he is estranged from them it could well be they are well aware of his true colours and that is the reason they are estranged.

Don't be fooled by this thug any longer. You are clearly a kind and caring, decent person and he is taking advantage of you. No-one has the right to be abusive to anybody, regardless of what emotional and mental issues they may have. If he can consult a solicitor than he is more than capable of consulting a counsellor. He hasn't done so because he doesn't want to.

He needs to sort himself out. He has crossed a line with you that you must never let anyone cross again and you can no longer allow him in your life. If he continues along this tragic and destructive trajectory that is his own choice at the end of the day, sad as it may be.

I suggest that it might be helpful to you to examine why you feel such a deep level of responsibility towards an adult who is not related to you who is verbally and emotionally abusive. Maybe a counsellor could help you with that.

You sound like a truly lovely human being, OP, and you do not deserve to take on this bully's crap.

LegacyUser

Thanks everyone

I rang him there earlier tonight, his behavior was shocking :P He put me on loudspeaker (with his mother listening) so that she could hear how much of a "psycho" I am. She ended up going mental at him for what he did, he then hung up and texted me apologizing, stating that he won't contact me again. At least this shows me now that she was not aware of the *****'s actions and hopefully is on my side! Maybe that has made him cop on a wee bit?

WhyGoBald

fedupofhim wrote: »

Thanks everyone

I rang him there earlier tonight, his behavior was shocking :P He put me on loudspeaker (with his mother listening) so that she could hear how much of a "psycho" I am. She ended up going mental at him for what he did, he then hung up and texted me apologizing, stating that he won't contact me again. At least this shows me now that she was not aware of the *****'s actions and hopefully is on my side! Maybe that has made him cop on a wee bit?

It's doubtful, but you have an excellent opportunity to draw a line under this situation and move on. I strongly urge you to get counselling to help you do so and avoid walking into a similar relationship again.

Mighty_Mouse

You make the choice whether you want a violent man in your life or not.

doyle61

Op, make sure and save all the abusive texts he's sent to you just incase you might need them in future for the likes of restraining orders etc as he sounds like a dangerous type. Male sure to break it off with him and get as far from him as possible; it's not your job to "fix" him and your just wasting your time with him