Apparently I've broken the 'rules'

LegacyUser

Hi All,

I split up with my ex nearly a year ago after a long unhappy relationship. We were trying to remain friends until the weekend just gone anyway. Over the summer, I went out a fair bit (ie: every saturday for the space of 6 weeks or so) as i had alot of steam i needed to blow off. Since then I've been going out once a month, maybe a little more on occasion.

My friends and i have different music tastes so we alternate between certain bars to accommodate this. My choice of bar is a certain small bar that caters to a certain niche, a niche in which my ex is kind of known. My drink is much, much cheaper here and for various reasons it seems to suit my friends also.

I had a small disagreement at the weekend with my ex which lead to the following coming out:

Apparently I have been 'talking sh.it' about my ex all over town, and it has gotten back to him from 'a few friends'. This is not actually possible, since I don't speak about him when I'm out (cos, y'know, I'm too busy having fun, finally, and I have better things to be talking about) and I have bumped into a total of 3 aquantainces of his- the most i said to any of them is that both of us are happier single as we were making each other miserable. I think that's an okay thing to say?? Anyway, he refuses to reveal who told him this, and i am wracking my brains trying to think who it might be.

Apparently, I am also running around like a 14 year old and 'getting with the dregs' whilst in this bar (I wouldn't mind but I've been a bloody chaste saint in the last year!!) which reflects badly on him because it's breaking the rules.

The rules of this bar seemingly are 'discretion' and 'respect', and he kept saying to me that with my behaviour in this bar (this is a direct quote from a mail: ) "Id be expected to hammer the ****e out of lads after we broke up, and after what you've done if I wanted to redeem myself Id have to seriously hurt someone tough or be in constant fights."

He insists that I don't understand his point of view because i am middle class and he is working class. He also told me basically that it's a disgrace that I bring my friends to this bar, because they don't fit in, inferring that everyone is looking at us as soon as we walk in the door and wondering why we are there.

Am I right in saying this is all just paranoid delusion, or is there some ridiculous rule I don't know about when it comes to entering a bar that caters to a niche? I know that my friends don't look like the rest of the clientle, but they're hardly a million miles off, and we always seem to get on with the regulars just fine. They don't seem to care. I'm not a girly girl, neither are my friends. I had ONE drunken night in July where I'll hold my hands up and say i made a show of myself, but other than that I have been grand. I don't drink to excess so I know what I'm doing usually.

It's just all made me very wary of going back to the bar, even though I'm 90 per cent sure my ex is just building things up in his own head and making mountains out of molehills.

Ellie2008

Your ex has SERIOUS SERIOUS issues, stay well away and limit any conversations with his friends to discussing their news, I wouldnt engage with him or stay in touch. Ive no idea whether he is right about the bar thing, its hard to say without seeing the crowd, who really cares though its a public place and you're buying drinks there, Im sure the owner has no complaints.

lordgoat

OP you dodged bullet there, easiest all round if you just leave him be. It sounds like he's talking a load of crap. Acting the big man to save face. Politely tell him that you no longer have to deal with him and his crap as you broke up. Tell him that you've talked to none of his friends about the break up and if he doesn't want to believe that, then he'll have to deal with. He's an adult, start acting like one. After that i'd just ignore him.

Nothing annoys me more than someone playing mind games. Which to me is what he's doing. Glad to hear you're doing good though!

Kevin Duffy

fairlyangry wrote: »

The rules of this bar seemingly are 'discretion' and 'respect', and he kept saying to me that with my behaviour in this bar (this is a direct quote from a mail: ) "Id be expected to hammer the ****e out of lads after we broke up, and after what you've done if I wanted to redeem myself Id have to seriously hurt someone tough or be in constant fights."

He insists that I don't understand his point of view because i am middle class and he is working class. He also told me basically that it's a disgrace that I bring my friends to this bar, because they don't fit in, inferring that everyone is looking at us as soon as we walk in the door and wondering why we are there.

Is he 12? Or in the Mafia? This is just nonsense. He doesn't sound mature enough to be in an adult relationship.

calex71

I wouldn't normal say this OP as I'm more a stand my ground type, but find somewhere else to drink and cut all ties, this guy is a nutter. Less interaction you have with him the better.

Overheal

Could have done himself good by just going out drinking with yous. His loss. Fcuk him.

username123

Can you not find another bar?
"A certain small bar that caters to a niche" - I dont know what this means but this is Ireland, there are loads of bars to choose from!!

Your ex sounds like there is something wrong with him alright, still trying to control you after all this time.

Just go to a different bar and you wont be causing problems. Its important that you take responsibility for your actions here too, its your own behaviour that is drawing this craziness down on you, no one forces you to go to this bar.

ManOfMystery

username123 wrote: »

Can you not find another bar?
"A certain small bar that caters to a niche" - I dont know what this means but this is Ireland, there are loads of bars to choose from!!

Your ex sounds like there is something wrong with him alright, still trying to control you after all this time.

Just go to a different bar and you wont be causing problems. Its important that you take responsibility for your actions here too, its your own behaviour that is drawing this craziness down on you, no one forces you to go to this bar.

The flip side of that is .................. why should she be told by her ex where she can and can't go out for a drink? What if she goes to a different bar, and he starts to frequent it and comes out with the same nonsense?

The problem is not where she drinks. The problem is the ex coming out with this ridiculous nonsense.

OP, tell him to wind his neck in and remind that as you're no longer in a relationship, he has no say in your life .............. and you can go out wherever you like. If he can't handle that, tough.

Oryx

You need to stop caring what this guy thinks. He is an ex, and by the sounds of it, he isnt handling that well, regardless of the 'friends' thing you had. He sounds like he is bitter over your split, and hasnt dealt with lingering emotions. All you can do is leave him to it. Stay WELL out of his way, and dont contact him anymore. You dont need someone feeding you with doubts and venom you didnt earn.

LegacyUser

username123 wrote: »

Just go to a different bar and you wont be causing problems. Its important that you take responsibility for your actions here too, its your own behaviour that is drawing this craziness down on you, no one forces you to go to this bar.

You see, I would take responsibility for my actions if I had done anything wrong, but I haven't. My behaviour is positively tame in comparison to a lot of peoples, with the exception of one night last summer.

Anyway guys, thank you all for confirming what I now know. It just came as a shock since we had been getting on 'reasonably' well. This all just came out quite suddenly, and i resent the implication that my 'behaviour' impacts his reputation in any way. It's like he's done me a favour or something by keeping quiet about it, taking the brunt of this apparent backlash for me. Now, if he want's to go back to the bar, he must 'redeem' himself because of all the damage I've done him.

It's also highly insulting for him to basically call me a slut, slag my firends, and tell me i'm acting like a child. I'm 25 for goodness sake, and I'm substantially more mature already than he is in his thirties. AND I'm entitled to have some fun at last, I so angry that he is trying to sully this for me.

Well, ties shall be severed and he can go 'redeem' himself away from me if he likes. I'm so sick of this sh.it. I love how once you make the break from a toxic relationship, you can start to see all the bullsh.it you were blind to before. It's quite liberating

username123

ManOfMystery wrote: »

The flip side of that is .................. why should she be told by her ex where she can and can't go out for a drink? What if she goes to a different bar, and he starts to frequent it and comes out with the same nonsense?

Its not about the right to drink wherever, its about having a bit of cop on. If I go to a bar and as a result of it I get all this rubbish from an ex, then I just go to a different bar because I couldnt be bothered listening to his rubbish. Thats it. Why would anyone break up and then want to frequent the same place that the ex is known to frequent? By the sound of the opening post its 'his' haunt, some kind of niche group he is known in, the OP admits there are other bars her friends like - so she is going out of her way to go where he is and then wonders why she has to put up with rubbish from him. Simple answer - find another bar. Its childish to keep going back for more. (yes and its childish for him to act this way, but someone has to be the bigger person and fronting up with 'im not changing bar' is not going to resolve anything for the OP).

fairlyangry wrote: »

You see, I would take responsibility for my actions if I had done anything wrong, but I haven't. My behaviour is positively tame in comparison to a lot of peoples, with the exception of one night last summer.

The act of going to the bar is causing the issue, you are going to the bar - take responsibility for that. Again this is more of 'im in the right, i havent done anything' - so what? Theres an issue, stop going to the bar and the issue is gone. Youre clearly poking a sore by going there. So grow up and stop going there.

ManOfMystery

username123 wrote: »

Its not about the right to drink wherever, its about having a bit of cop on. If I go to a bar and as a result of it I get all this rubbish from an ex, then I just go to a different bar because I couldnt be bothered listening to his rubbish. Thats it. Why would anyone break up and then want to frequent the same place that the ex is known to frequent? By the sound of the opening post its 'his' haunt, some kind of niche group he is known in, the OP admits there are other bars her friends like - so she is going out of her way to go where he is and then wonders why she has to put up with rubbish from him. Simple answer - find another bar. Its childish to keep going back for more. (yes and its childish for him to act this way, but someone has to be the bigger person and fronting up with 'im not changing bar' is not going to resolve anything for the OP).

I would tend to disagree, and say that the right to drink wherever IS the core issue here. It's the principle of the matter. She wants to go somewhere, and her ex is trying to enforce rules on her and stop her from doing so. He has absolutely no right to do that, and she has the right to drink wherever she likes, just like he does. It's not like she was being abusive or even interacting with him - he just can't handle her being there at all, so is dealing with it in a ridiculous manner by creating some imaginary rules which he is trying to apply to breakups.

And I don't see how that particular bar is 'his' haunt. The OP clearly states that bar caters to a niche musical taste which she is into, thus it can be just as much her haunt as his. It's not as if she's going to that bar solely to provoke the ex.

I see what you're saying, and yes the OP could simply just walk away and avoid this drama. But like I said, it's the principle of the matter. If everyone in life took the passive approach and catered to the demands of every nightmare ex in their life, they wouldn't be able to go anywhere.

Wompa1

username123 wrote: »

Can you not find another bar?
"A certain small bar that caters to a niche" - I dont know what this means but this is Ireland, there are loads of bars to choose from!!

To be honest OP that part also jumped out at me and made me read the rest of the post imagining you with a very insincere look on your face. Sorry but it's just the way I read it.

It's almost as though you knew this when you picked the place and knew it would be something that would get up his arse. I could speculate what the niche group is, going by what you are saying but I won't speculate, All I will say is that niche group would be very tight knit, judging and damning, so I'd imagine if they knew yee went out they would be watching what you do when out there and then giving your ex stick over it.

Your ex is probably getting fed up of the stick which is leading to them giving even more. Now it's probably a case that you can go in there and act like a saint but the people in there will tell them otherwise to annoy him.

But that's just how I read it...go to another bar, you've made your point.

curlzy

Hey OP,

Your post is freaking me out to be honest. I'm you, only 5 years in the future!:D At 24 broke up with BF of 5 years, he was 14 years older, because my life was a cycle of work and babysitting and zero fun. Thank god I did because I've done everything on my bucket list in the last 5 years including camping under giant redwood trees, swimming with dolphins in Hawaii, swam in underground caves etc etc etc. I imagine you have similar epicness in your future So yeah if I were you I wouldn't go back to the bar, not because of "right/wrong" "entitled/not entitled" etc but because your future is rosy and fun. His on the other hand is telling people why he's not with the hot younger chick anymore and sitting in (probably watching Stargate if he was like my ex) and whinging by the sounds of it. He sounds fairly pathetic tbh, alot of people are when they're heartbroken. So yeah my point is maybe just go try out some different bar with your friends, not because it's the "right" thing to do but because it's the kind thing to do, so he has a chance to grieve you properly and get over you and go back to being somewhat sane. If you're anything like me then you left that relationship ages before it actually finished and so the ending was easy, it might not have been like that for him OP. I purposely avoided everything to do with my ex for years after we broke up and the one time I spoke to him, 6 months down the line, he thanked me for that. Delete him completely for your sake and his, friendships with exes don't work.

Best of luck

username123

ManOfMystery wrote: »

I would tend to disagree, and say that the right to drink wherever IS the core issue here. It's the principle of the matter. She wants to go somewhere, and her ex is trying to enforce rules on her and stop her from doing so. He has absolutely no right to do that, and she has the right to drink wherever she likes, just like he does. It's not like she was being abusive or even interacting with him - he just can't handle her being there at all, so is dealing with it in a ridiculous manner by creating some imaginary rules which he is trying to apply to breakups.

And I don't see how that particular bar is 'his' haunt. The OP clearly states that bar caters to a niche musical taste which she is into, thus it can be just as much her haunt as his. It's not as if she's going to that bar solely to provoke the ex.

I see what you're saying, and yes the OP could simply just walk away and avoid this drama. But like I said, it's the principle of the matter. If everyone in life took the passive approach and catered to the demands of every nightmare ex in their life, they wouldn't be able to go anywhere.

Yeah, I dont disagree with anything you say here btw, but the reality is that behaviour has consequences, if she goes to the bar she gets the hassle, if she doesnt go she doesnt.

Rights, principle of it etc... Thats all very well but personally Id rather have a quiet life. Why court drama? It would be different if it was something very specific that she needs to do or go to a very specific place with no other choices, but we are talking about a bar - its hardly necessary behaviour for anyone is it? If it was her place of work or home itd be different, but she already said her own friends prefer some other bar, so why continue to do something that brings hassle on yourself?

I dont know if she is going just to provoke him, she is hardly going to say that if she is eh?

Just on it being his haunt, I got that from her original post where she mentioned its some niche group in which he would be known - if he is known (she doesnt mention she is known) then presumably its his haunt? Maybe I picked that up wrong?

LegacyUser

username123 wrote: »

Its not about the right to drink wherever, its about having a bit of cop on. If I go to a bar and as a result of it I get all this rubbish from an ex, then I just go to a different bar because I couldnt be bothered listening to his rubbish. Thats it. Why would anyone break up and then want to frequent the same place that the ex is known to frequent? By the sound of the opening post its 'his' haunt, some kind of niche group he is known in, the OP admits there are other bars her friends like - so she is going out of her way to go where he is and then wonders why she has to put up with rubbish from him. Simple answer - find another bar. Its childish to keep going back for more. (yes and its childish for him to act this way, but someone has to be the bigger person and fronting up with 'im not changing bar' is not going to resolve anything for the OP).



The act of going to the bar is causing the issue, you are going to the bar - take responsibility for that. Again this is more of 'im in the right, i havent done anything' - so what? Theres an issue, stop going to the bar and the issue is gone. Youre clearly poking a sore by going there. So grow up and stop going there.

Okay I read back over my posts and yes, you're right, It does sound bad. But I just want to make something clear: in the 4 years and i went out with my ex and in the subsequent year, he has not once set foot inside the place. In fact, he doesn't actually like it. He now lives half way across the country, so it's not like I'm stealing his local or anything. And none of his close friends go to this bar, they don't like it either. It's just aquantainces I might bump into, nothing more. In the interests of remaining friends with him, I deliberately tried my best not to step on his toes, and he didn't really mention before Sunday that he had a problem with any of this- if he had, i would have stopped, since I genuinely did want to remain friends so why would I annoy him deliberately??

LegacyUser

Wompa1 wrote: »

To be honest OP that part also jumped out at me and made me read the rest of the post imagining you with a very insincere look on your face. Sorry but it's just the way I read it.

It's almost as though you knew this when you picked the place and knew it would be something that would get up his arse. I could speculate what the niche group is, going by what you are saying but I won't speculate, All I will say is that niche group would be very tight knit, judging and damning, so I'd imagine if they knew yee went out they would be watching what you do when out there and then giving your ex stick over it.

Your ex is probably getting fed up of the stick which is leading to them giving even more. Now it's probably a case that you can go in there and act like a saint but the people in there will tell them otherwise to annoy him.

But that's just how I read it...go to another bar, you've made your point.

Judging by what you've stated, you probably do know the crowd alright- here was me hoping I'd kept it under wraps :P

I definately didn't choose the place knowing it would get up his arse. I wrote a reply to another poster above explaining he doesn't drink here.

I'm just confused as to who would a) know who I was if they'd never met me (and believe me, we dropped off the radar completely when we were together) and b) bother texting/ringing him to make up lies. He doesn't live anywhere near here so i'm a little perplexed and highly suspect he is making stuff up.

And yes, I think I will reducing the amount of nights i go to bars like this. I can't give it up completely, there's only so much I can stand music i don't like.

Mighty_Mouse

"Niche" sounds more like a rough hole. I don't care if it's a a biker bar, rock-n-roll or techno, regular fist-fights don't happen in most well-run spots.

This abstract music is clearly a scene she picked up through him. Regularly turning up with her "girlies" is odd. The world is a big place. The natural thing to do when people break up is give each other space.

LegacyUser

Mighty_Mouse wrote: »

This abstract music is clearly a scene she picked up through him. Regularly turning up with her "girlies" is odd. The world is a big place. The natural thing to do when people break up is give each other space.

I assure you it is not something I picked up through him.
I am neither turning up regularly, nor do I refer to my friends as 'girlies.' We are girls, but not 'girly girls.'
I am indeed giving him all the space in the world.

username123

failryangry wrote: »

Okay I read back over my posts and yes, you're right, It does sound bad. But I just want to make something clear: in the 4 years and i went out with my ex and in the subsequent year, he has not once set foot inside the place. In fact, he doesn't actually like it. He now lives half way across the country, so it's not like I'm stealing his local or anything. And none of his close friends go to this bar, they don't like it either. It's just aquantainces I might bump into, nothing more. In the interests of remaining friends with him, I deliberately tried my best not to step on his toes, and he didn't really mention before Sunday that he had a problem with any of this- if he had, i would have stopped, since I genuinely did want to remain friends so why would I annoy him deliberately??

Well then I dont know whats going on except that you have a crazy ex and my advice in that situation would be to cut all contact, delete his number, and move on. Staying 'friends' generally doesnt work - it can work after some time has passed and people have moved on, but it rarely works immediately after the break up.

There are usually 2 sides to every story and what you have presented here doesnt make a lot of sense to me tbh - but to give you the benefit of the doubt - as its your posts being replied to - find another bar anyway, its not worth the hassle to continue in the current one right now - especially as you have given the impression your ex is capable of violence.

LittleBook

fairlyangry wrote: »

My friends and i have different music tastes so we alternate between certain bars to accommodate this. My choice of bar is a certain small bar that caters to a certain niche, a niche in which my ex is kind of known.

failryangry wrote: »

in the 4 years and i went out with my ex and in the subsequent year, he has not once set foot inside the place. In fact, he doesn't actually like it. He now lives half way across the country, so it's not like I'm stealing his local or anything. And none of his close friends go to this bar, they don't like it either.

OK, in spite of your first post it seems that this has little or nothing to do with the fact that you're going to "his" bar or something like that. I have no idea what this "niche" your ex is known in could be but if there was another bar that catered to this "niche" that you both enjoy, you would probably get the same attitude.

fairlyangry wrote: »

Apparently I have been 'talking sh.it' about my ex all over town, and it has gotten back to him from 'a few friends'. This is not actually possible, since I don't speak about him when I'm out

Apparently, I am also running around like a 14 year old and 'getting with the dregs' whilst in this bar (I wouldn't mind but I've been a bloody chaste saint in the last year!!) which reflects badly on him because it's breaking the rules.

The rules of this bar seemingly are 'discretion' and 'respect', and he kept saying to me that with my behaviour in this bar (this is a direct quote from a mail: ) "Id be expected to hammer the ****e out of lads after we broke up, and after what you've done if I wanted to redeem myself Id have to seriously hurt someone tough or be in constant fights."

He insists that I don't understand his point of view because i am middle class and he is working class. He also told me basically that it's a disgrace that I bring my friends to this bar, because they don't fit in, inferring that everyone is looking at us as soon as we walk in the door and wondering why we are there.

Your ex sounds very unstable with an unhealthy dose of inferiority complex thrown in. Your quote from his e-mail barely makes sense but what I get from it is fairly alarming.

fairlyangry wrote: »

the most i said to any of them is that both of us are happier single as we were making each other miserable.

For future reference, say nothing. You have no idea how this came across by the time it made it's way back to your ex and he gives the impression of being paranoid enough to spin the worst possible interpretation of anything you could say.

fairlyangry wrote: »

I had a small disagreement at the weekend with my ex which lead to the following coming out ... he didn't really mention before Sunday that he had a problem with any of this

This is your wake up call. There is no point in trying to be friends with someone like this. This "small disagreement" you had has triggered something bigger and opened up a can of worms.

As regards going to the bar, personally I can't see a problem with it if neither your ex nor his friends go there. Actually, I don't think the bar is his problem either, if it wasn't this he had a problem with, he would find something else anyway. But you won't have to deal with that if you don't have any contact with him.

Mighty_Mouse

Okay I read back over my posts and yes, you're right, It does sound bad. But I just want to make something clear: in the 4 years and i went out with my ex and in the subsequent year, he has not once set foot inside the place. In fact, he doesn't actually like it. He now lives half way across the country, so it's not like I'm stealing his local or anything. And none of his close friends go to this bar, they don't like it either. It's just aquantainces I might bump into, nothing more. In the interests of remaining friends with him, I deliberately tried my best not to step on his toes, and he didn't really mention before Sunday that he had a problem with any of this- if he had, i would have stopped, since I genuinely did want to remain friends so why would I annoy him deliberately??

Apologies, I only seen this now.
If he doesn't even drink there, he's just a bully.
Do as you please.