My husband is desperate for more children and it is driving us apart.

LegacyUser

My husband and I have been married for seven years, we have one child, Jack who is four and has moderate autism. We always dreamed of having at least three children but since our son was diagnosed with autism two years ago I have had a change of heart.

Our son has progressed really well as we have been able to devote all our time to him and his needs. I love him with all my heart but his condition means that he needs 24/7 attention and we are currently spending €12,000 a year in therapy so he has a chance of reaching his full potential.

Here is the difficultly, my husband desperately want more children and I don't. I'd love more children but I'm absolutely terrified of having another child with autism, there is a 20% - 25% chance and it is a risk that I'm too afraid to take. I feel that if we had another autistic child that it would place us under unimaginable stress and I'd be afraid that we would not be able to afford the extra therapies etc.

Am I being selfish? I can't begin to tell you of the grief I feel at my decision but I feel that we need to give the child we have the best chance possible. I would really appreciate your views.

username123

Afraid to risk it wrote: »

Am I being selfish? I can't begin to tell you of the grief I feel at my decision but I feel that we need to give the child we have the best chance possible. I would really appreciate your views.

Your feelings are perfectly understandable.

Its a big risk and your reasons for not wanting to take such are risk are not selfish, but in the best interests of a potential child.

What about adoption? That way you can have more children but without taking the genetic risk?

LegacyUser

Thanks username123, we have spoken about adoption but my husband is completely opposed to it

username123

Afraid to risk it wrote: »

Thanks username123, we have spoken about adoption but my husband is completely opposed to it

I was thinking about this since I posted earlier. Im sorry to hear your husband is against adoption.

What is your husbands thoughts on the risk involved? And what are his thoughts on you not wanting to take that risk?

I mean its all very well for him to say, yes - lets take the risk - but if things dont go as you would hope - what are his views on the practicalities of what then follows in terms of cost and time and stress?

Ultimately no one can force you to have another child. It would be easy to say that you are selfish - I dont think you are. Its far more complex than that.

Your husband is equally uncompromising by being opposed to adoption, but while you have a valid reason to not risk a pregnancy, what is the reason not to adopt?

LegacyUser

username123 wrote: »

Your husband is equally uncompromising by being opposed to adoption, but while you have a valid reason to not risk a pregnancy, what is the reason not to adopt?

Thanks for your reply username123, I really do appreciate this opportunity to flesh the issue out with someone who is not emotionally involved.

I have spoken at great length with my husband about adoption and here are the reasons he gives;

1. He wants his own children

2. He feels that adoption should only be available to people who are unable to have children. As I can have children, he feels that it would be incredibly selfish that we would adopt.

3. He feels that it would be unfair to adopt a child that would never receive the same amount of attention as Jack. (I actually understand this).

I have friends who have children with special needs and definitely siblings can suffer, most of the attention goes to the child with special needs. Having said that, it has been my experience that children who grow up in a house with a sibling who has special needs tend to very thoughtful, caring and patient people.

I suppose my husband feels that we have a 75% chance of having a "regular" child but all I can think of is the 25% chance of having another autistic child. He feels that I'm being an awful pessimist. I feel incredibly blessed with what we do have, a wonderful son, who at the moment is progressing very well. I really feel that I owe it to him to give him every opportunity I possibly can. I know that it would be lovely for him to have a sibling but if that sibling turned out to have severe autism it would a very stressful situation for everyone.

I'm at the point now that even though I love my husband with all my heart, I feel I have to say to him that if he wants more children he will have call it a day. I know this probably sounds crazy but I don't want to deprive him of something that he really wants.

If I was to go ahead with another pregnancy and I ended up having another child with special needs, I know I would really resent him and our marriage would be over anyway.

The part I find most difficult is that I want more children every bit as much as my husband, I'm surrounded by family and friends who are pregnant or who have young families and pain of wanting something you can't have is so unbelievably painful.

Julie London

Just wondering isisnt adoption notoriously impossible with Ireland? So you would have to adopt a foreign child, which of course is fine! But if you adopot a baby presumibly they could have damage from their tough start in life, and as autisum isint detectable in babies theres no guarantee an adopted child wouldnt have it? Unless you are lucky enough to adopt a new baby you prob will get a child who is in someway damaged. Sorry if i am wrong. And the OP already has one child who has moderate autisim and requires more care than the average child , again if im wrong sorry.
Also as the OP is paying for a special education for her child, and fair dues to her, adoption can run into thousands in costs? Also the adoption process is incredibly stressful. Perhaps her husband doesnt want to pile on more stress and financial burden. Plus their is nothing wrong with her husband wanting to have a child genectically his own. Most people want that.
I myself think adoption is a wonderful gift to give to a child in need. But my own husband is the same and would never go through the process because of all the red tape attached. I think he doubts he could love a child thats wasant his own too. And theres nothing wrong with feeling that way.
OP i feel so sorry for you, i totally understand why you fear having another child. Yoiur fears are totally reasonable.
Perhaps your husbands worries in years to come your child who has mild special needs, hope that ok to say., might be all alone in the world if he/she has no siblings? could that be a factor?

Julie London

http://www.circleofmoms.com/autismaspergerspdd-awareness/what-are-the-chances-of-having-another-autistic-child-x-342312

OP here is a link of other moms who have faced same decision as you. I hope it helps.

LegacyUser

Julie London wrote: »

Perhaps your husbands worries in years to come your child who has mild special needs, hope that ok to say., might be all alone in the world if he/she has no siblings? could that be a factor?

Thank you very much Julie for your reply and for the link, I will definitely have a look at that. I suppose Julie when you have a child with special needs you grieve a little, you think about the things that you child might not do - for example: go to college, get married, have children etc.

My husband has openly said that if we had other children that some of these things could become possible again.

I want to concentrate my energy on trying to give my son the best chance for reaching his potential and becoming independent. I would love if he had siblings who would be able to look out for him in the future but there is no guarantee that if he had that they would. Everyone has their own lives to lead too. The future is always a concern, even the present is to be honest, at the moment our son doesn't have a guardian so I worry what would happen if my husband and I were to pass away prematurely. We did ask members of our families and they refused and to be honest I can understand why they it. Many thanks again for the replies.

username123

Afraid to risk it wrote: »

1. He wants his own children

2. He feels that adoption should only be available to people who are unable to have children. As I can have children, he feels that it would be incredibly selfish that we would adopt.

3. He feels that it would be unfair to adopt a child that would never receive the same amount of attention as Jack. (I actually understand this).

I dont agree with your husbands reason number 1, I wholeheartedly dont agree with reason number 2 - that makes no sense, there is an abundance of children waiting to be adopted, the more that get adopted the merrier. Of course, it is only foreign adoptions but there are many children sitting waiting in orphanages and some people who are childless cant afford to adopt them! Anyway, Im just airing what I think about it.
I do understand reason 3 - but does that not hold true whether or not another child was adopted or natural?

Afraid to risk it wrote: »

I have friends who have children with special needs and definitely siblings can suffer, most of the attention goes to the child with special needs. Having said that, it has been my experience that children who grow up in a house with a sibling who has special needs tend to very thoughtful, caring and patient people.

This is an issue regardless of a child being adopted or natural, so effectively it wouldnt matter - Im inclined to agree with your experience on it.

Afraid to risk it wrote: »

I suppose my husband feels that we have a 75% chance of having a "regular" child but all I can think of is the 25% chance of having another autistic child. He feels that I'm being an awful pessimist. I feel incredibly blessed with what we do have, a wonderful son, who at the moment is progressing very well. I really feel that I owe it to him to give him every opportunity I possibly can. I know that it would be lovely for him to have a sibling but if that sibling turned out to have severe autism it would a very stressful situation for everyone.

I can totally see where you are coming from. I also think 25% is very high. Especially given the situation that you already have. Perhaps if you had no children you might think differently but given the current situation its a big risk.

Afraid to risk it wrote: »

I'm at the point now that even though I love my husband with all my heart, I feel I have to say to him that if he wants more children he will have call it a day. I know this probably sounds crazy but I don't want to deprive him of something that he really wants.

Does your husband know this? Does he really know how strongly you feel about this?

Afraid to risk it wrote: »

If I was to go ahead with another pregnancy and I ended up having another child with special needs, I know I would really resent him and our marriage would be over anyway.

And does he know this? Does he know that that 25% risk also includes him losing his marriage? Because if he doesnt then you need to tell him how strongly you feel.

Afraid to risk it wrote: »

The part I find most difficult is that I want more children every bit as much as my husband, I'm surrounded by family and friends who are pregnant or who have young families and pain of wanting something you can't have is so unbelievably painful.

Yes, of course, its an awful dilemma for you. I mean in many ways there are no guarantees at all anyway, but for you I think that its not just the risk to a new child, its the risk that care of your current child could be compromised. Plus the risk that you would just be too overwhelmed to cope with it. Its very difficult. I think you need to talk more to your husband about this, in a calm way. And let him know how strongly you feel about things. Its a pity he is so against adoption as it could be an answer that would suit you both.

Julie London wrote: »

Just wondering isisnt adoption notoriously impossible with Ireland? So you would have to adopt a foreign child, which of course is fine! But if you adopot a baby presumibly they could have damage from their tough start in life, and as autisum isint detectable in babies theres no guarantee an adopted child wouldnt have it? Unless you are lucky enough to adopt a new baby you prob will get a child who is in someway damaged. Sorry if i am wrong. And the OP already has one child who has moderate autisim and requires more care than the average child , again if im wrong sorry.

Yes there are only foreign adoptions and no there are no guarantees, and there are adoptions of all ages, Ive not heard of children being 'damaged' except maybe through bad nutrition or poverty.

Julie London wrote: »

Also as the OP is paying for a special education for her child, and fair dues to her, adoption can run into thousands in costs? Also the adoption process is incredibly stressful. Perhaps her husband doesnt want to pile on more stress and financial burden. Plus their is nothing wrong with her husband wanting to have a child genectically his own. Most people want that.
I myself think adoption is a wonderful gift to give to a child in need. But my own husband is the same and would never go through the process because of all the red tape attached. I think he doubts he could love a child thats wasant his own too. And theres nothing wrong with feeling that way.

Yes it is very expensive and stressful, and no, there is nothing wrong with wanting a child of your own, but given the risk that such a child could also be autistic its basically a call between taking that risk or not having more children if he is not open to adoption.

Julie London wrote: »

OP i feel so sorry for you, i totally understand why you fear having another child. Yoiur fears are totally reasonable.

I do think that this is a very important thing to repeat again to the OP - it is a totally reasonable and understandable for you to feel as you do.

Julie London wrote: »

Perhaps your husbands worries in years to come your child who has mild special needs, hope that ok to say., might be all alone in the world if he/she has no siblings? could that be a factor?

This may be, but if they had another child with autism, would this problem not be doubled? Plus, it wouldnt be fair to expect a sibling to take on the burden of care - a sibling would want to be off living their own life, getting married, having children, maybe travelling, emigrating etc.... You cant have children to mind your existing children!

I hope yourself and your husband are able to come to some resolve OP. I feel for you because its an awful situation that you have on your hands.

username123

Afraid to risk it wrote: »

The future is always a concern, even the present is to be honest, at the moment our son doesn't have a guardian so I worry what would happen if my husband and I were to pass away prematurely. We did ask members of our families and they refused and to be honest I can understand why they it. Many thanks again for the replies.

Thats very harsh. But again, its understandable. What was your husbands reaction to this?

Julie London

Afraid to risk it wrote: »

Thank you very much Julie for your reply and for the link, I will definitely have a look at that. I suppose Julie when you have a child with special needs you grieve a little, you think about the things that you child might not do - for example: go to college, get married, have children etc.

My husband has openly said that if we had other children that some of these things could become possible again.

I want to concentrate my energy on trying to give my son the best chance for reaching his potential and becoming independent. I would love if he had siblings who would be able to look out for him in the future but there is no guarantee that if he had that they would. Everyone has their own lives to lead too. The future is always a concern, even the present is to be honest, at the moment our son doesn't have a guardian so I worry what would happen if my husband and I were to pass away prematurely. We did ask members of our families and they refused and to be honest I can understand why they it. Many thanks again for the replies.

OP i think their are thousands of people out there living normal lifes and got married and had children who had undiagnosed mild forms of autisum/aspergers. I have a cousin male 26, who has just been diagnosed with mild aspergers. To be honest you would never know. And he is clever and has a girlfriend. Also your son has a head start as you are ensuring he has a first class education. My gut feeling is on the little I know from your posts, that with mild autisum , he has every chance of forging a decent life for himself.
I feel so sad for you OP because i see you want more children too so this is killing you. All I can say is perhaps when you are older and you look back on your life, you might think then that you made a mistake. Your son will get older and he will make a life and you will be increasingly proud. And you may think you had all that love to give and you could have given it to aniother child autistic or not. Sorry now to be playing devils advocate with you.
Also a sibling at home would prob be good for your son. They could interact together the way only children can.
If you have a supportive husband, a husband doing as much as you are, there would be no reason both your love could not stretch to an extra child.

Anyway OP i hope Im not upsetting you, cos i dont think anybody would envy you the decision you have to make.

I think your story has hit me cos I have a 2 year old daughter who has her first speech therapy assessment tomor as she is yet to make sentences. And autisum is a word that frightens most parents when speech is not progressing as normal. Im also pregnant.

tatabubbly

On the other hand, another child might make your child with autism bond easier.

My little brother (there's 2 years between us) has aspergers syndrome. My mum found that from when he was little, I was always there, so he learned not to freak out if someone touched him etc.

It was good for him to learn certain behavioural attributes. If something bad happens, if your crying, he'd tap you on the back and say sorry, which is huge for a child with autism! I know it seems like an awful big chance to take. In my mums experience, one out of 5 of us has it.

I've no idea where your child is on the autistic spectrum but you should get to a support group for autistic parents who should be able to tell you their stories.

LegacyUser

Julie London wrote: »

Anyway OP i hope Im not upsetting you, cos i dont think anybody would envy you the decision you have to make.

I think your story has hit me cos I have a 2 year old daughter who has her first speech therapy assessment tomor as she is yet to make sentences. And autisum is a word that frightens most parents when speech is not progressing as normal. Im also pregnant.

Julie, you're not upsetting me at all. Thank you very much for taking the time to reply to me, I appreciate it very much.

I want to wish you well with your pregnancy, I will be thinking of you and your little girl tomorrow. All the very best

LegacyUser

username123 wrote: »

Thats very harsh. But again, its understandable. What was your husbands reaction to this?

I suppose it appears harsh but I'm glad that our families are honest with us, it would be worse if people were agreeing to things that they didn't want to do. I have absolutely no issues with our families stance, it would be an awful lot for someone to take on. It is just a worry sometimes not knowing where our child would end up if the worst happened.

LegacyUser

tatabubbly wrote: »

On the other hand, another child might make your child with autism bond easier.

My little brother (there's 2 years between us) has aspergers syndrome. My mum found that from when he was little, I was always there, so he learned not to freak out if someone touched him etc.

It was good for him to learn certain behavioural attributes. If something bad happens, if your crying, he'd tap you on the back and say sorry, which is huge for a child with autism! I know it seems like an awful big chance to take. In my mums experience, one out of 5 of us has it.

I've no idea where your child is on the autistic spectrum but you should get to a support group for autistic parents who should be able to tell you their stories.

Thanks tatabubbly, I understand where you are coming from and I agree that my child (who has moderate autism) could benefit alot from having a "typically developing" sibling but I'm concerned that I might have a child with severe autism, I'm not sure I could cope with that situation. The one in five figure is interesting. I suppose I wish sometimes that my son was child number three instead of child number one.

Redpunto

Our eldest has autism. He was an only child for about 4 years which was great for us in once sense that we had all our time and energy to just put into him and visiting various therapists etc. He now has 2 younger siblings who are extremely beneficial to him. Ones a baby and the middle is NT. It is a terrifying thought that you may have another child with difficulties but I wouldnt let that let that be the deciding factor. No-one can tell you the exact percentages of whether the next child will have any difficulties. But its your body and only you can know what you want

theg81der

Op I`ve just read the thread to see if there is anything I can add, this is such an unfair decision you have to make. The only extra comment I could make - is there any possibiliy you could be given some more time to decide? Jack is only 4 why not agree to re-visit it when he is 6 and has started school and you see how he is progressing?

You definetely need to sort this in your head first because the last thing you want to do is have a very high stress pregnancy which causes problems anyway!

LegacyUser

I really appreciate all the contributions that have been made to the thread and I would like to sincerely thank each and everyone of you.

theg81der wrote: »

Op I`ve just read the thread to see if there is anything I can add, this is such an unfair decision you have to make. The only extra comment I could make - is there any possibiliy you could be given some more time to decide? Jack is only 4 why not agree to re-visit it when he is 6 and has started school and you see how he is progressing?

Thank you theg81der

I feel I have postponed this decision for too long and I really need to address it now as time isn't on my side. I'm 37 and I reckon most women of my age would have some concerns about embarking on a pregnancy because of the increased risk of Down Syndrome etc. (as you get older). When you throw autism into the mix it make things a little more complicated.

LegacyUser

What a decision you face, I don't envy you but maybe I can offer advice based on our history.

As someone who can't have kids and has looked into adoption, it is impossible to adopt in ireland and you can forget it if you have a child already. Fostering is not for everyone either.

My friends kid is 6 and has autism and his 12 year old brother is great with him, but i can see that you may not want the financial strain either.

Your husband is being unfair with his statement about not being able to give an adopted child the time they would need, would it not be the same for your own second child.

To run the risk of saying something unpolitically correct, (i went anonymous and mods can check post, edit if required)...

I can have children, but it is my husband that has problems which has led to our childless family. We had DNA test done, as part of all the tests you go through, this confirmed my husband has a condition that would give us a 97% chance of having a severly handicapped child, me having several miscarriges was natures way of telling me it wasn't going to be.

You could go down the route of genetics

So, what I want to say is, with tests, if you could afford them, would you be able to find out if there is a gene that either you or him carries.

Now lets say there is, and donor egg or sperm was then the way forward would you go ahead and get pregnant(if possible, i know it's not always going to work) Knowing you were going to have an austism free child. I know there are plenty of other things a child can have.

Don't get me wrong, we didn't opt for donor sperm, it may have worked but my husband felt the child still wouldn't be his and at my age time is running out. I don't want to be pregnant at 39/40 due to my own fears of late pregnancy complications.

nowyouresix

OP: after my second child was diagnosed with severe autism, I had my tubes well and truly tied! At one stage I had three children three and under. Just as well I had them together. My eldest has ADHD, second has severe autism, and third has specific speech and language disorder. You can never predict whether another child will/would have a problem. As a Mum though, I totally understand what you feel. I am a single parent now, but even if I met someone else, there would be no way I could ever go through with another pregnancy, worrying all the time, watching for milestones , driving myself insane. Have you tried counselling with your husband?
Best of luck !!

LegacyUser

Thank you Dom12 for sharing your story, I appreciate it very much We did have some genetic tests done and no issue was found. However, as part of our child's initial assessment it was mentioned to us by various clinicians that my husband displayed some autism related symptoms himself. I believe that husband has a mild form of aspergers but we don't discuss it as I know it is something that bothers him.

If I'm being very honest here, I wouldn't be concerned about autism if I was having a baby with someone other than my husband. However, using a sperm donor would not be an option, my husband would pack his bags if I dared to suggest it and I can completely understand and respect this position.

LegacyUser

nowyouresix wrote: »

OAs a Mum though, I totally understand what you feel. I am a single parent now, but even if I met someone else, there would be no way I could ever go through with another pregnancy, worrying all the time, watching for milestones , driving myself insane. Have you tried counselling with your husband?
Best of luck !!

You have really hit the nail on the head, the difficulty with autism is that you don't receive an answer at the end of your pregnancy, you have to wait until your child is 18 months and then there are endless assessments etc.

I'm not sure what the exact stats are on this but I believe something like 75% of parents of a children with autism separate, I used to think that my husband and I were rock solid as a couple but the stress of caring for a child with special/additional needs does take its toll.

nowyouresix

Afraid to risk it: yes a lot of couples who have children with autism have difficulties, or separate. And it's mostly Mum who ends up being the major care giver, even if the relationship is rock solid. At least if you stay with just one child, you can avail of respite easier etc etc. the stress on the other kids knowing they can't go places because the autistic one can't handle the sensory over load etc, not being able to invite their friends to the house....all these little things just add up to it being unfair for them, they don't truly understand! But they do see the extra time and expense of the special child, and boy at times, they really resent it.
Please , if you can, seek some professional help now as regards counselling, if you can.
Best of luck!

LegacyUser

Nowyouresix - Thank you so much for your advice. I'm going to arrange for my parents to take our son on Saturday so that my husband and I can sit down and calmly go through the options together.

theg81der

Sorry just one more question OP - who provides most of the care for your son? If you are the one shouldering the whole lot it is reasonable that you would be hesitant because you know what it will involve if doubled. Is there any possibility he could take more of an active role if he doesn`t already? If he was taking half the weight another baby may not seems so daunting?

LegacyUser

theg81der wrote: »

Sorry just one more question OP - who provides most of the care for your son?

I'm on a two year career break so at the moment I'm looking after my son but when my husband is at home he is fantastic with him. We sort of rely on each other for respite as we don't receive support from our families and paying for outside help isn't an option financially. For example: When I'm looking after my son all day, I breathe a sigh of relief when my husband comes home but understandably he is tired too after his day. Sometimes, we both end up resenting each other but it is just because we are both tired. I feel that another child would place awful strain on our relationship as it is we are exhausted from caring from one child.

theg81der

OP I think your right and in your position I would be saying the same things. A "we`ll just manage" attitude isn`t going to cut it. You can`t financially or emotionally cope with another child.

Even things like how will you manage during the pregnancy, I never anticipated how difficult pregnancy could be. I`ve had cripling morning sickness for the last 7 weeks and there is absolutely no way I could manage another child so I`ve made the decision that this will be our only child and he agrees after seeing what I`ve gone through so far.

At 37 the risks are significant anyway, that would put me off in the first place.

Then again OP these things are not always about reality and sometimes you need to follow your heart, can you live with the thought you will only have one child?

I would definetely go to counselling to hash it out, you`d be suprised how much it can help to have someone mediate. You don`t want resentment on either side so your right to give the decision so much time and attention.

LegacyUser

theg81der wrote: »

OP these things are not always about reality and sometimes you need to follow your heart, can you live with the thought you will only have one child?

I would definetely go to counselling to hash it out, you`d be suprised how much it can help to have someone mediate. You don`t want resentment on either side so your right to give the decision so much time and attention.

Thank you very much for your advice and I want to wish you all the very best with your pregnancy

I feel bad that so many people have taken the time to reply and I have not way of "thanking them".

To answer you question "theg81der", I had a pretty rough pregnancy, I had "All day sickness" for six months and I had a horrendous 28 hour labour but it is amazing how you forget all that when you are presented with your little baby

I do believe that until the day I die I will feel the loss of not having more children but when I look at things objectively and coldly, I think it is better to be a great parent to one child than to be struggling to cope mentally and physically with more than one. Our son has only ever slept from 11:30 to 3:30 so it is a long day and requires alot of energy. Aside from that I feel that financially we would be able to secure his future, buy him a house (if he was able to live independently) or secure long term care if we were no longer around, we definitely wouldn't be in a position to do that for two children.

theg81der

Just so sorry OP lifes not fair you sound like an amazing parent and Jack is so lucky to have you in his corner.

Daisy M

Afraid to risk it wrote: »

Thank you Dom12 for sharing your story, I appreciate it very much We did have some genetic tests done and no issue was found. However, as part of our child's initial assessment it was mentioned to us by various clinicians that my husband displayed some autism related symptoms himself. I believe that husband has a mild form of aspergers but we don't discuss it as I know it is something that bothers him.
.

Afraid to risk it wrote: »

I'm on a two year career break so at the moment I'm looking after my son but when my husband is at home he is fantastic with him. We sort of rely on each other for respite as we don't receive support from our families and paying for outside help isn't an option financially. For example: When I'm looking after my son all day, I breathe a sigh of relief when my husband comes home but understandably he is tired too after his day. Sometimes, we both end up resenting each other but it is just because we are both tired. I feel that another child would place awful strain on our relationship as it is we are exhausted from caring from one child.

Firstly I just want to say that neither you or your husband are in the wrong in your desires to have or not have another child. I felt there was a tendancy in earlier replies to make your husband a scapegoat, it seems to go over some peoples heads that he has a right to his opinions and desires as much as you have to yours.
You sound like a great mum and its obvious you want to do the right thing by your son and husband so you are right not to rush into making a final decision.
You mentioned that it has been noted by professionals that your husband displayed autistic related symptons, have you noted any one else in his family to display the same symptons? Is it possible for you to take heart that it is very possible that people who fall under the autistic umbrella can live totally normal live. I like a lot of people can recall people who I knew when I was younger who were different. A little hindsight leads me to believe some type of autism was present yet they have gone on to lead, for want of a better word normal lives.

When you have children and they are healthy there are no garauntees that that will always be the way, you take a risk. I suggest you try and do a little more research and try and find out if the worst case senario happens and you do have another child with special needs, if you will be entitled to extra support from the health board. I hope you have been claiming all benefits you should be entitled to as a carer.

You mentioned breathing a sigh of relief when your husband comes home, most stay at home parents of small kids do this. I did when my kids were smaller and I didnt have half as much on my plate as you did. Its normal to feel like this and its normal for your husband to be tired when he comes from work. I think lots of parents with young families will tell you it can put their marriage under extra strain. Again I am not trying to say your situation is the same as other families just trying to let you know we can all (rightly or wrongly) feel over whealmed at times.
Best of luck to you and your family I dearly hope it works out for you all.

Fenian Army

Theres no right or wrong person here, but I would agree with your husband fwiw.


Now, you have an excellent chance of having a perfectly healthy child, but your concerns are warranted, and at 37 it kinda is now or never really. I'd go for it, you don't want to look back in years to come and wonder what if. Having a child in any circumstances is a risk. Looking at it objectively and coldly, would you not consider a 75% chance of a healthy, normal child a good chance? Earlier you claimed to look at it on an objective, cold way, but you looked at the worst case scenario.


Its not a easy decision, but sometimes you have to go for it and hope for the best, and there is only a 25% chance of the child being autistic.

You've mentioned the prospect breaking up with your husband a number of times "I used to think we were rock solid", and said you wouldn't have concerns if the baby was another mans. Are you sure you want to be with your husband? Something to think about perhaps, maybe deep down there is more to then then the relatively slim chance of another autistic child, I had more of a chance of something being wrong with me than that. My older brother died at quite a young age because of his illness and I could have ended up the same way but they took a risk and I'm fine.

LegacyUser

Fenian Army - Thank you very much for your contribution to the thread. I started this thread as I really want to act in the best interests of all three and possibly four of us not just in my interests or my husband's interests.

I completely agree with you about it being now and never, I'm conscious that my age in itself is a concern that is why I'm really trying to trash this issue out for once and all. I'm grateful to the people on this forum for giving me this opportunity.

With regard to the percentages, I agree that a 75% chance of having a healthy baby seems very good but I suppose I'm terrified of the happens if we end up having another child on the spectrum. My fear may be irrational to some but it is very real to me. A person with an awful fear of flying wouldn't be heartened by a 75% chance of reaching their destination. The decision my husband and I make now will effect the rest of our lives and our child/children's lives.

I completely agree with you that there are no guarantees in life and of course you can start off with a healthy child and your child can become ill or be injured in an accident or worse. etc.

I'm really sorry OP to read about your brother and you certainly make a case for having another child but I suppose I don't want to lead my husband astray, I feel that if I had a severely autistic child next time, there is real chance that I wouldn't be mentally or physically able to cope with all that that would entail.

As I said previously my son is up every morning at 3:30am and he never sleeps before 11:00 - 11:30 at night, he attends therapies four days a week which involves spending hours travelling back and forth, we spend hours doing home programmes etc. I really don't feel I could cope with two children who required this level of care.

As for my relationship with my husband, I do love my husband as much and probably even more than the day I married him but he deserves to be happy and if he desperately wants more children and I can't/won't provide them then I feel I have to let him go. I love him too much to keep him trapped in a situation that disappoints him. There is a real chance that we could both end up resenting each other if we are not careful.

I would be lying if I said that having a child with special needs hasn't but a strain on our relationship, it has, because we are both stressed and sleep deprived but we definitely love each other. To make things worse, my husband's family cut off all contact for almost two years when they heard our son had special needs. I worked very hard with my husband to ensure that the relationship with his family improved and thankfully it has but essentially we have little or no family support so we have to rely on each other for respite. Our relationship has had to endure alot of strain but we stuck together - not because we had to but because we wanted to.

I feel really awful about my comment about "not having concerns if I was having a baby with another man other than my husband". This is not going to happen for a start. I just meant that I wouldn't be as reluctant to have another child if I didn't have one child with autism and a husband that has some autistic traits.

I suppose if we decide to have another child we have to go into it accepting the worst outcome and that it the bit I'm struggling with. Thanks again Fenian Army for posting.

theg81der

I wish people would read the whole thread before giving the OP any crap. She said she has concerns that her husband has undiagnosed autism and this may also effect that 75% figure adversly. She is being exceptionally selfless, she is desperate for a child herself, this isn`t just her husbands sacrifies. What happens if she has another autistic child? Its easy to comment but you won`t be there at 3 am to look after it or be there to pick up the peaces if she has a bloody nervous breakdown from exhaustion. Its not just 75% if you add in all the other factors.

LittleBook

Afraid to risk it wrote: »

I feel really awful about my comment about "not having concerns if I was having a baby with another man other than my husband". This is not going to happen for a start. I just meant that I wouldn't be as reluctant to have another child if I didn't have one child with autism and a husband that has some autistic traits.

Don't worry OP, anyone who read your posts properly would not doubt how much you love your husband and where exactly your concerns about having another baby in this relationship lie.

Literally no-one, no-one, can tell you what to do here, only what they would do and, personally, I can completely see where you're coming from.

The fact you have been told by clinician's that your husband displays autism related symptoms himself but refuses to discuss it and blanks any other options for more children implies to me that you are the one facing up to reality here. And it's clear to me that this pains you just as much as it does your husband.

Everyone runs a risk with a pregnancy but normally has the luxury of assuming the best. To know that there is an inherent risk and to continue anyway is a completely different situation. I personally wouldn't take the risk in question. In fact, your own quote sums it up perfectly for me.

My fear may be irrational to some but it is very real to me. A person with an awful fear of flying wouldn't be heartened by a 75% chance of reaching their destination.

Your original question was "am I being selfish?".

It breaks my heart that you even have to ask that since it's clear to me that your main concerns are your son, your husband and your marriage. No you are not being selfish, you are being pragmatic.

Good luck on Saturday with your husband, I hope that you can work through this. It's clear you love him and your son deeply and, as you said, even the most rock solid couple is put to the test in such a situation. I wish you and your family the best for the future.

Julie London

OP you havent a selfish bone in your body judging by your posts. Its obvious you selflessy love your husband very much.I would imagine the sleep issue is a huge torment. I know myself how difficult it was for the first year with my daughter not sleeping through the night like most babies. Looking back now im sure i had depression from the sleep deprivation. I can only imagine how it is for you doubly worse as your son might contuinue to only sleep these little amounts. The fear of another child like that would put me off too.
Its clear you and your husband deserve and need a break. Its an awful shame the family wont help. Have you considered availing of repsite so you could get an occasional night off? I know your heart would break as your son is so young. Mine would to. But no one would blame you for taking respite if its available. Maybe consider respite esp when he older so he can learn to live indepent from you.
I still do not envy your decision cos the fear of waiting to know if the child had autisum would be horrendous. However as you know the signs i bet you would pick up on it alot sooner than the doctors.

implausible

OP, I really feel for you and can't imagine having to face such a decision. However, I'd like to echo what another poster said about things being really stressful now. They may not be when he starts to go to school.

I'll presume you've done your research on primary schools that can deal with his needs. The change in children on the spectrum when they are in an environment where they interact with others and have structured education and care can e astounding. Does he not attend a pre-school at present? I speak as a teacher in a secondary school, where we have three boys attending our autism unit. At first, we were told that they would not cope with interacting with the other students and would only be in a few hours a day. Now, 6 months later, they are in for most of the school day, are attending some mainstream classes and even did readings at the school carol service. Their parents are amazed and delighted and they say that life at home has changed completely as a result of the boys being so much happier at school. My point is that it can and does get easier. Perhaps when your son is older and attending school, life may seem a lot easier and another baby might seem like an option.

Another thing to consider would be your son's future. A brother or sister could improve his social skills, empathy and speech and be someone else for him to relate to. There is also the possibility (probably unimaginable at present) that your son could grow to live an independent life and instead of caring for him full-time, you could find yourself with an empty house. I personally think that the pros for an autistic child of having a sibling outweigh the cons, but then again, I'm not living your life.

The 25% figure jumps out of your post. Is this certain? If so, I imagine it is the percentage chance of another child being on the autistic spectrum, not of another child being as or more affected.

The pain of denying yourself, your husband and your son the possibility of another child has to be terrible. Counselling is a good suggestion, as without some help or intervention, you could burn yourself and your marriage out.

Good luck with your decision OP.

LegacyUser

OP, you will not believe me. Actually I came to this message board to post a thread that I want another baby my husband doesn't and it is driving us apart!

I read all the thread and I might have some ideas which I guess were not previously discussed.

First of all, I must say that I very much relate to what you say. Your current situation is on the edge and having such an issue to decide it makes it even more edgy!

On the other hand, what would help me very much in your case, is a good action plan which you could make together with your hubby. Some points in your action plan would be listing ALL your fears, and projections and concerns and everything what plays even the smallest role in your position. All the things like what makes you tired now, how you would feel better, in what case you WOULD consider risking with the second child.

Include all your wishes even at the moment they seem crazy and impossible at all.

Then make an action plan for each of concerns to go deeper to and to draft sort of 'crisis management plan' or 'what we will do to manage this particular risk'. What I mean is if you would be working on 75% vs 25% risk, make an appointment with the best autism or gene specialist you can get and have a session. Get the real numbers from him/her.

Then with scientific number consult a profession to find out if / what you can do to still minimise the risk. I guess there are such procedures where man's sperm is being cleaned off the defected parts and only the healthy ones are inserted.

But also work on the non-scientific issues, like 'how can I get some rest starting from now'. Maybe you could have at least one full night just to sleep? Maybe you husband could be on the duty lets say each night from Fr to Sa? Then maybe you can give him another 'night out' on the other day of the week?

Then maybe one evening a week could be just for you to go out with your friends? Also, the other evening for your husband, etc.

When you will start feeling better now, you might be finding it easier to look deeper into the issue?

I also would suggest to make a plan with deadlines and set yourself a particular date when you both should have a decision about the issue. This would also release some pressure for you both. Because your clocks are ticking sort of say.

I would be happy to discuss that further if you would find it useful. I hope you can feel well about yourself and I hope you can find a way to YOUR own solution.

My heart is there for you. Sorry for a long post.

TheOtherSide

I posted a long message before. But I did this anonymously so it is awaiting administrator's approval I guess so it might appear later than this one.

Just wanted to add that it is heartbreaking to read that you love your husband too much, so that you could give him a way to pursue his wish in case you don't find a way to have another child in your relationship. But at the same time it actually shows how much you really love him with all your heart! Only true love can act like this.

LegacyUser

It is the OP here - I just want to sincerely thank everyone who took the time to contribute to this thread. I've read every post several times at this stage and I've taken some thing away every post.

As I mentioned in an earlier post, my husband and I are going to discuss our options on Saturday, it is probably only the beginning of what will be a long discussion but I'm happy at least that we're finally getting around to properly trashing this issue out.

Thanks again to everyone, I really appreciate your contributions and I hope the thread will help other people who might find themselves in a similar position in the future.

Every good wish to you all

TheOtherSide

I guess my anonymous message got lost, so I'll try once again.

I came to the boards to post a thread that I am desperate about having one more child and my husband is against and it is driving us apart. I am also you age. Maybe our family conditions are different in details but the general situation is the same.

I would like to suggest to put all the cards on the table open. I hope you can talk pretty much about everything with your husband, so I think it is important to let him know all the things that have even the slightest input into your feelings about current situation.

Including what worries you now, what are the obstacles you see, how you see your future in best case and worst case scenario. Including that you love your husband very much and that you would even consider letting him go because you love him so much. Also, how much you want another child yourself. Then he will know for sure that you are not just stubborn and selfish, some stress would be relieved and at least you can continue talking further.

Since I am sort of in your husband situation, a very detailed plan with deadlines would help me a lot. First of all it would reduce the tension and I would not think that my husband is just trying to win more time keeping my false hope living until it is too late.

What I mean by the plan? At the end of the plan you both should reach a decision whether to go for another baby or not. Set a deadline with which you both feel comfortable.

Then you need to do some very important things in order to be able to make the decision. In order to identify your actions please drop everything which could make you to dare for another child. Include things which even seem impossible and unreal at the moment, like better financial situation, more help at home, more free time to sleep and to do things of my own, more love and understanding from my husband, less pressure, lower chance of getting another autistic baby, guaranteed external help if another child has also autism, etc. etc.

Include everything, so that if everything happens, you would feel that there is a chance you go for it.

Then your action plan until the deadline is to work out every little thing you included. Take only one at a time. For example, if you think you could be more relaxed about current situation, you would need at least one full night of uninterrupted sleep a week, maybe you could make a schedule and your hubby would agree to take one night on his duty. All this is for his own interest, too!

I would suggest to first work on those who would have immediate effect from now even if you are still only working on the problem, not really trying to force your final decision.

Then when you would feel already better about your current situation, you might want to have a consulting from the best gene / autism professional to find out what the real rates of autist baby are. When I was pregnant with my first child, I was told I have a CM virus which cause serious physical and mental damage for my baby. I took me to some very serious research for about three full days when I realised, that there is only 30% chance that this virus would reach the baby, if it does there is only 20% the baby would be infected, if the baby would be infected, there's only 0,3% chance that the baby would be effected really seriously. Since then I could sleep normally and delivered a 100% healthy baby. So, you should check investigate real risk rates.

Even if you end up with chances that seem way too high for you, I have read that today there are medical procedures that can clean man's sperm removing the ones with bad genes and leaving only good ones which are seeded directly into the womb. You might want to investigate this further.

And so with all your wishes, concerns, fears and feelings towards the decision. I would suggest that you husband also includes his but he might be happy to feel the progress and just go with you all the way. He will also find out a lot of information concerning your issue and it is very likely that at the end of the process you both will be in the same place

I have more tips if you wish, please feel free to let me know. You know how to eat an elephant? Cut into small pieces!

You are a rock solid couple and I am sure, with little patience and love, you will deal with your situation!

I will keep my fists tomorrow. Best of luck.

(sorry this was really long)

Morag

Afraid to risk it it sounds like you are in the thick of it atm and with the day to day that you describe I can see why being pregant even if it wasn't as bad as last time would be currently over whelming for you.

What supports do you have?
Is there are an austism parent's support group near you?
or failing that would you consider an online group where you discuss and off load to other parents who are or have been in simular situations?

As well as being worn out, it seems that you are stil possibly grieving the life and the child you tougth you were going to have. I am not saying you dont love your kid but it's like you were expecting to go to spain on holidays and you've ended up in wales. It's not what you expected and it's a lot more work and more draining then you expected. Would you consider talking to a professional about your journey?

It also seems like you could do with a break, is there any chance you could get away for a few days and have your husband take on the routine for your son so he can get an idea of what it is like to be in your shoes?

There are a bunch of parents who have a blogging group where they write about the challenges and get support from each other, you can find most of them listed here.
https://www.facebook.com/pages/Autism-in-Ireland-The-Bloggers/252657804912

TheOtherSide

OP, how did it go yesterday?

Daisy M

Op do not feel obliged to come back and give us a run down on what happened. This is a huge decision and not one that can be reached easily or that needs to be justified to anyone else. Best of luck to you and your family I hope things work out for you and if you feel you need more opinions/advice ask away.

Taltos

TheOtherSide

welcome to PI/RI please review our charter if you have not already done so. Asking the OP for updates is not welcome here as the forum is only for advice and the OP is under no obligation to update us.

Thanks
Taltos

TheOtherSide

Got it! Sorry.

I just feel for PO so much, thats all.

I wish her all the best in whatever the decision they come to.

I do understand that she will share only as much as she wants and decides herself, and no pressure whatsoever from my side.

Once again, all the best in your decision. If you feel like to want more support, questions or things I could share please feel free to let me know.

homerjay2005

is fear of the next child being autistic, the only reason for you not wanting another child?

if it is, i think what is a temporary fear, could be something you live to regret for the rest of your life. im sure theres 1000s of familys who have an autistic child, that go on to have children who do not suffer from it.

you only live once, dont live it in fear of what might happen. once those next children come along, you will love them no matter what they do or dont suffer from, but the chances are big, that they will be perfectly fine.

id go for it anyway, the child will have a better life with his sibling and sounds like you and your husband will also.

I am a friend

homerjay2005 wrote: »

ithe child will have a better life with his sibling and sounds like you and your husband will also.

What is this statement based on?