Split Anxiety

LegacyUser

Hello all. I will try to make this as readable as possible. Please bear with me.

My (ex)girlfriend and I have been together 7 years (almost 8). During this time, we have weathered long distance, her depression, insane rows, family issues, being broke...we have really been through a lot. But we have had great times, too. All the stuff we survived made us stronger, in my opinion. And she made me believe that I could have a best friend, something that wasn't easy for me as I had been burned by this concept in the past.

I travel frequently. It is travel that she is unable to come with on. This has always been an issue, but I try/tried my best to always make her know that I cared so much for her. Talking everyday while I was gone, texts, postcards...I really feel like I tried and tried and tried to show her through my actions that I loved her. She would constantly complain that I wasn't like I was at the beginning of the relationship, but who is 7 years on? Still, I thought in my own way I was showing her that I cared. I cooked for her every night while I was home. She never had to worry about having clean clothes. I am a human dishwasher. And I always felt fine about her going out; letting her know that she looked pretty and that I felt lucky because I knew other guys would have their eyes on her but she was coming home to me. And she made me feel like she was crazy about me-and I had never felt that way.

This past June I was abroad. I would email her filling her in and letting her know that I loved her and wanted to travel with her or tell her funny stories (unable to call) at every chance. The responses I would get back ranged from telling me she was making new friends to dark thoughts of not wanting to live to hatred and jealousy towards me to mature thoughts about how she just couldn't be in a relationship with me anymore and needing to move on. This was all over the course of a month. And I let it get to me, foolishly. I was alone in a club on my last night and met a girl who was really nice. I was drinking and upset; I had basically been told that I needed to pack up my things when I got home. I gave in to these negative feelings and kissed this girl at the end of the night. I left very confused and ashamed. I know it wasn't right as the situation at home was not 100% set in stone.

I didn't mention it. I got home, and things were back to normal, for the most part. But she kept on talking about a male friend she had made while I was gone, and obsessing about how he was a flake and never texted her back. I was okay as again I felt secure about her and also ashamed of my own actions. I know her like the back of my hand, so I just kept saying "it is alright, you have an innocent infatuation, I know it, it is ok, though". Well, she started dwelling on him a little too much, so I eventually got out of her that he had feelings for her and comforted her in my absence, and wanted her to leave me, and even tried to kiss her, but she resisted. She felt bad, but said it was good to get it off of her chest. So I told her about kissing the girl, and how bad I felt, hoping she would understand that I knew it was stupid and I would never see her again. Not to say that it wasn't a big deal, but I thought we each had been a dishonest and could try and move on.

She could not move on. She would put on the facade of moving on, but she drinks a bit too much on nights out and will give out to whoever will listen. Well, one night, she was giving out to a guy that we both know (and have joked about how she thought he was good looking) and he said "how about some revenge?" and started kissing her. And she went with it. And then, while walking to another club, she ran into another guy we know, who she knows thinks she is cute, and started chatting to him about being upset. She ended up kissing him, too. Two guys in one night. Both of who we know, one being close friends with my brother. I found all this out because she stupidly thought I was out of the room (I was gathering her laundry) when she started bragging about it to a friend over the phone. I was devastated. I feel hypocritical, but I just feel it was so spiteful to go on doing that with two people that we know. It wasn't so much the fact that she kissed two other guys in one night, it is more that she harbors such an intense hatred for me when she drinks that she wants to hurt me in any way. She used to ruin physical items of mine, but I wouldn't let that get to me so I think she was looking for other ways to get at me. When I found out, she didn't seem sorry at all. I was in bits. I stormed out, slept in my car, and told her I couldn't be with someone who didn't want to fix what was broken. I know what I did wasn't right, but she couldn't see it or accept it for what it was; a mistake.

The very next day I was ready to forgive her, but she was so upset and didn't want to be around me. Later, she asked if we could repair things, and I said that I thought we could possibly, but it will be VERY hard.

So we are broken up, trying to give each other space to get our heads right. Why I am even writing this in the first place is because neither of us have anywhere we can go just yet. And it is very hard for me. Whereas I would usually be fine with her going out, now I am in bits and sick to my stomach over it. Whereas I wasn't a big drinker, I now find myself shooting whiskey to try and cope. She has already told me about giving her number out to one guy (just to see what it was like, she wasn't bragging), and whereas she used to hate sleeping anywhere other than home, she now will sometimes go out and stay out until noon the next day. I have so much anxiety about it because I hope things will eventually work out and we can grow from this, and she asked if it was fixable, but she sees how her behavior is effecting me and doesn't seem to care. She insists she is not up to anything, just trying to surround herself with friends and get some space to get her head right, but it is driving me crazy. I used to be cool and she was the one in bits, now the situation is reversed. I feel like she thinks I am insane, where as I was always the one to talk her down. To add to it, she has told me that she has started to use drugs with her friends, were she used to abstain. I am really wrecked. I feel like I drove her to this. I don't know what to do. I don't know if she is lying about who she is with and what she is up to. I hate feeling this way. Sometimes I feel like it is all my fault and other times I feel like I have not been respecting myself for not being more upset at her for what she did.

Thanks for reading. If you made it through that, you are truly a patient person.

Beruthiel

Honestly OP, she sounds like a total head wrecker.
Someone who actually cares about you and your feelings would not put you through the ringer like this.
There is no call for mentally torturing you like that.
Personally, I think you are better off without her and should just move on and leave her to it.

LegacyUser

OP here. Thanks Beruthiel for that shot of reality. Any time I start to get upset, I pull up your post on my mobile and read it for reassurance. As I mentioned in my post, I tend not to let a lot of people in, so I don't have any close friends I can truly talk to, so many thanks to you.

ando

Personally I think if I was in that situation I would seriously be thinking of calling it a day. Beruthiel is right, she does sound a tab bit mad, especially with your girlfriend talking about other blokes like that... WTF???? You are being dragged through mental torture and it’s not fair on you. There is only so much you can go through. You are already talking about depending on drink to deal with the situation which aint good...

From my own personal experience, looking back on a slowly dying relationship that I was in, I would if I knew back then what I know now, would have called it a day MUCH earlier instead of being dragged into such anxieties and hoping for the best outcome.. By staying in your situation, you are only going to drag yourself through more pain, when it looks like your girlfriend has already given up and just doesn’t have the courage to admit to it to your face. You need to sit her down and tell her what you are going through. If she doesn’t look like she is accepting this from you or plays a blame game instead of being accepting and open to working on things, I’m sorry but I would be calling it a day. But in my own experience, even when they say they are going to work on things, it doesn’t always mean it when you're both in such a complicated situation..

Go with your gut man, it tells you the truth. But if you do decide to move on, always remember, nomatter what happens, no matter how hard things get, it will always get better with time, guaranteed.