Ex from 10 years ago

LegacyUser

This is a small issue that has been niggling me for a while, and beware, this is long... 10 years ago (I was 16) I met a guy at a nightclub- (I shouldnt have been there- Im bold!) He was really cute and we got talking, he was honest from the start that he had a girlfriend but I didnt really mind, figured I wouldnt see him again and I kissed him, and gave him my phone number (again, bold!)

So, he ended up calling me. At the time he thought I was 18, he was 21 (God, I was SO bold!) anyway, I explained how old I was, he was shocked but said he still wanted to meet me. I was young and stupid so I agreed. So began a year of us meeting up, talking and kissing (absolutely nothing more than that) We became very close, but I never considered him my boyfriend, as he already had a girlfriend.

When the time came for me to go to college, I told him we couldnt meet up anymore. He was really upset, tears were shed- on his side. He carried on texting me for another year, telling me he loved me, we met up every now and then when I was home for drinks and chats.

A year went by, and I was heading out for my 18th birthday when he called me. He told me that his girlfriend had proposed to him and he agreed. I was quite upset, moreso that he thought this was appropriate to tell me on my birthday night. He cried and said he didnt know what to do- they had been going out for a few years and I guess she got fed up of waiting for him to commit (she was 5 years older than him) and he said he wasnt ready. I told him to never contact again and hung up.

2 years went by and I got a phone call from him. He told me he was just back from honeymoon. He said he wished I had stopped the wedding because he was too much of a coward to back out and that he had made a huge mistake. I again told him to leave me alone.

3 years later he texted me. By now I knew that they had a child, so I was disgusted by the "Not a day goes by that I dont think about you" messages. I told him to forget about me. The next day his wife rang me and just hung up. It was really upsetting. To be honest, I think she always knew about me.

A few months ago I was at work and checked my emails. I had a facebook friend request from him but when I clicked on it it was deleted. It was done late Sat night so I guess he was drinking.

If I am honest with myself, I have never forgotten about him either. When I was 16 I didnt care if I didnt see him, I was excited about college. But as the years go by I find myself thinking about him a lot- even though I have a great boyfriend of 5 years. Though it has been about 8 years since I have even seen him, I find myself missing him, even though I know he must be a rat for being so cruel to his wife. I dont know what to do to make myself forget about him. I feel that no one can replace him- even though Im aware we barely had a relationship to bein with. Any advice is greatly appreciated, its good to get this out as I have kept this whole thing a secret for years!

Beruthiel

He is married, with a child.
No good will come of it and you do not want to be responsible for breaking up a family. At least think of his child in all of this.

Also, nobody can replace him?
What's to replace? He's a cheater. He care's nothing of his wife's feelings or how his behaviour could affect his family.
He sure doesn't sound like a great catch to me.

Get on with your life and forget about him. There are plenty of lovely available men out there.

Taltos

OP - you are looking back on this period through tinted glasses.

Many of us are guilty of that. Let's ignore the fact that he chose to get married and have a child which as you can guess involved alot more than drinking cups of tea with his wife.

Over the last ten years you have both changed, you I am guessing have matured beyond the silly kid you were. You've had some great experiences and made a life for yourself. Just consider for a moment - over this time you have not lived with him, have not seen him go through his daily stresses of paying bills or worrying that his hairline is receding or asking why he can't see his toes anymore. I am quite confident that he looks back on the past and remembers how you made him feel and then when he feels low or unloved or maybe just plain bored or drunk he fires off one of his random texts or FB invites.

That doesn't sound like a catch to me. I think you need to wake up to who you are now and ask do you really want someone like this in your life? Someone who is willing to throw away nearly 10 years of marriage and a child for what was effectively a teenage crush? You never really knew each other and right now he continues to use you as a crutch to his ego.

For what it's worth I think you either need to continue to ignore him or bite the bullet and fire off clear direction via a letter or a text to leave you well enough alone and to focus on his life. Indicate you are no longer the 16 year old girl he knew and you want nothing to do with his sorry ass.

LegacyUser

I just want to say thanks to you all for your posts. I dont really know why I posted, it just felt good to get out all these stupid feelings. Of course, you are all right. He is an idiot who was using a more innocent version of myself to make himself feel young and attractive. I could never have actually gone out with him, I know I would have worried the whole time that someone new would catch his eye again- god knows how is poor wife deals with it. My boyfriend now would never make me feel awful, and would never even dream about doing anything to hurt me. So in the end, Im happy, and he is the creepy guy who never will be satisfied with the great things he doesnt realise he has. Thanks boards!

LegacyUser

Is there any chance that you feelings for him have less to do with him and a lot more to do with you? I suspect that you are associating him with your youth, the sense of freedom and possibility that was ahead of you at 16 and that the loss of that is what makes you yearn rather than him.

I have an ex from 10 years ago who found me on facebook and one night when he was drunk (I hope) started messaging me about how we should still be together and what a disaster it was that we'd split up and how much better everything would be if we were a couple. (This was despite his current relationship and their children he loved them, but apparently loved me more.) I put him off as nicely as I could and told my husband about it as I don't like to keep that kind of secret from him.

However at the time my marriage wasn't in a great place and there was a part of me that was hugely flattered by his comments. I started thinking about all the great fun we'd had together and a big part of me longed for that again. But I realised that what I was longing for was my freedom, my youth, the days when I went dancing most nights of the week and had so few responsibilities compared to the ones that I face now, ones that sometimes feel overwhelming.

Once I realised that I came to look on it all as a good thing. In spite of the problems in my marriage and the lack of fun my husband and I were having I knew that our relationship was worth a million times that of the past one. That reinvigorated me to fix things in my marriage and put more fun back into it, which wasn't easy as my husband's health issues and his reaction to them were at the root of our problems. But we eventually did it and our marriage is fantastic now.

I suggest that you think about if it's really this guy, who sounds like a bit of a creep, that you are longing for. Or if it's the time in your life that he represents. Then think about what your current partner means to you. If he means more to you then work on putting what you are missing into that relationship. Or if you realise that your heart isn't in it, in your current relationship then end that and move on.