Need engineering Jokes for class hoodie.

Daniel S

Heard pretty much all of the ones on that can be found on google, but does anyone know some that are somewhat original? Ideally with a fair bit of innuendo :pac:



That's the best we've found so obviously.... we need help.

P.S. We're Mechanical Engineers so anything that takes the piss out of Civil Engineers would be even better!

squod

A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts, "Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?"

The man below says, "Yes, you're in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field."

"You must be an engineer," says the balloonist.

"I am," replies the man. "How did you know?"

"Well," says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but it's of no use to anyone."

The man below says, "You must be in management."

"I am," replies the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

"Well," says the man, "you don't know where you are, or where you're going, but you expect me to be able to help. You're in the same position you were before we met, but now it's my fault."

Skerries

Engineers: We couldn't even design a Hoodie

Engineers do it with nuts.

If you were actually Civils I'd suggest 'Civil Engineers do it with an erection' or 'do it in the dirt'.

breadmond

Engineers: doing it with more power, less resistance and at higher frequencies

murphyme2010

Mechanical engineers build weapons, civil engineers build targets

(from an electronic engineer)

ART6

To a pessimist the glass is half empty.
To the optimist the glass is half full.
To the engineer the glass is twice the size it needs to be.

"Civil engineer" is a contradiction in terms.

A civil engineer can build a skyscraper.
A mechanical engineer can equip it with heating and ventilation.
An electrical engineer can equip it with lighting and communications.
An Arab can knock the whole shootin' match down again.

A marine engineer can build a ship. It is then operated by people who are unaware that it is not designed to go cross-country.

The board wants a product that will generate the best profits.
The sales department wants a product that needs the least technical knowledge to sell it.
The production department wants a product the manufacturing of which interferes least with tea breaks.
The engineering department creates a product that it can endlessly add to and improve without ever actually releasing it.

All engineering designs eventually reach a point of design freeze, agreed with all other departments, who will then embark upon a programme of design changes.

There are five stages of an engineering project:
Stage 1 -- the concept.
Stage 2 -- Euphoria.
Stage 3 -- "Oh s**t!"
Stage 4 -- Blame the innocent.
Stage 5 -- Reward the uninvolved.

Cicero

"A Boy and His Frog" A boy was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week." The boy took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to his pocket. The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want." Again the boy took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket. Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?" The boy said, "Look I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog is cool."




Top 20 Engineers' Terminology's

1. A NUMBER OF DIFFERENT APPROACHES ARE BEING TRIED- We are still pissing in the wind.
2. EXTENSIVE REPORT IS BEING PREPARED ON A FRESH APPROACH TO THE PROBLEM- We just hired three kids fresh out of college.

3. CLOSE PROJECT COORDINATION- We know who to blame.

4. MAJOR TECHNOLOGICAL BREAKTHROUGH- It works OK, but looks very hi-tech.
5. CUSTOMER SATISFACTION IS DELIVERED ASSURED- We are so far behind schedule the customer is happy to get it delivered.

6. PRELIMINARY OPERATIONAL TESTS WERE INCONCLUSIVE- The darn thing blew up when we threw the switch.

7. TEST RESULTS WERE EXTREMELY GRATIFYING- We are so surprised that the stupid thing works
.8. THE ENTIRE CONCEPT WILL HAVE TO BE ABANDONED- The only person who understood the thing quit.
9. IT IS IN THE PROCESS- It is so wrapped up in red tape that the situation is about hopeless.
10. WE WILL LOOK INTO IT- Forget it! We have enough problems for now.
11. PLEASE NOTE AND INITIAL- Let's spread the responsibility for the screw up.

12. GIVE US THE BENEFIT OF YOUR THINKING- We'll listen to what you have to say as long as it doesn't interfere with what we've already done.

13. GIVE US YOUR INTERPRETATION- I can't wait to hear this bull!

14. SEE ME or LET'S DISCUSS- Come into my office, I'm lonely.

15. ALL NEW- Parts not interchangeable with the previous design.

16. RUGGED- Too damn heavy to lift!

17. LIGHTWEIGHT- Lighter than RUGGED.

18. YEARS OF DEVELOPMENT- One finally worked.

19. ENERGY SAVING- Achieved when the power switch is off.

20. LOW MAINTENANCE- Impossible to fix if broken.

scotty_irish

feel the force in my member!

engineers do it til it hertz.

Uni wouldn't let us print these ones incidentally!

Cicero

Engineering Pick-Up Lines

-- I won't stop bugging you until I get the address of your home page.

-- You fascinate me more than the Fundamental Theorem of Calculus.

-- Since distance equals velocity times time, let's let velocity and time approach infinity, because I want to go all the way with you.

-- My love for you is like a concave up function because it is always increasing.

-- Let's convert our potential energy to kinetic energy.

-- Wanna come back to my room?... and see my 300mHz Pentium II?

-- How about me and you go back to my place and form a covalent bond?

-- You and I would add up better than a Riemann sum.

-- You're sweeter than fructose.

-- We're as compatible as two similar Power Macintoshes.

-- Why don't we measure the coefficient of static friction between me and you?

-- Wanna see the programs in my HP?

-- Your body has the nicest arc length I've ever seen.

-- You're hotter than a bunsen burner set to full power!

-- I'd like to browse through your clothes like I browse through Netscape.

-- Hey baby, let's make a stress-strain curve together.



Engineers vs. God

One day a group of engineers got together and decided that man had come a long way and no longer needed God. They picked one engineer to go and tell Him that they were done with Him.

The engineer walked up to God and said, "God, we've decided that we no longer need you. We're to the point that we can clone people and do many miraculous things, so why don't you just go on and get lost."

God listened patiently to the man and after the engineer was done talking, God said, "Very well! How about this? Let's have a man-making contest."

The man replied, "Okay, great!" But God added, "Now we're going to do this just like I did back in the old days with Adam."

The engineers said, "Sure, no problem." He bent down and grabbed himself a handful of dirt.

God just looked at him and said, "No, no, no. Go get your own dirt!"


How Engineers Do It

Engineers do it with precision.

Electrical engineers are shocked when they do it.

Electrical engineers do it on an impulse.

Electrical engineers do it with large capacities.

Electrical engineers do it with more frequency and less resistance.

Electrical engineers do it with more power and at higher frequency.

Mechanical engineers do it with stress and strain.

Mechanical engineers do it with less energy and greater efficiency.

Chemical Engineers do it in fluidized beds.

City planners do it with their eyes closed.

Daniel S

Thanks for all the suggestions, but:

Skerries wrote: »

Engineers: We couldn't even design a Hoodie

That's midly funny but only to engineers :pac:

breadmond wrote: »

Engineers: doing it with more power, less resistance and at higher frequencies

Good

murphyme2010 wrote: »

Mechanical engineers build weapons, civil engineers build targets

(from an electronic engineer)

It's good but everyone's heard it.

scotty_irish wrote:

feel the force in my member!

engineers do it til it hertz.

Uni wouldn't let us print these ones incidentally!

This. Now this is good!

Daniel S

Cicero wrote: »

Engineering Pick-Up Lines

-- How about me and you go back to my place and form a covalent bond?

-- You and I would add up better than a Riemann sum.

-- Why don't we measure the coefficient of static friction between me and you?

How Engineers Do It

Engineers do it with precision.

Mechanical engineers do it with stress and strain.

Mechanical engineers do it with less energy and greater efficiency.

Those are pretty good (we're mechanical engineers)!

Silverfish

Daniel S

Silverfish wrote: »

Very good but too complicated for a hoody.

Cicero

Just one more....

While engineers can search google for engineering jokes, they still need boardsies to tell them what's funny and what isnt...:p

Rowley Birkin QC

Can't offer any suggestions other than to avoid something I saw lately at the cinema. Can't remember the exact details but it was along the lines of this...

2008-2012 Engineering at DCU
2012-???? On the dole and out of control!

Classy it wasn't.

Daniel S

Cicero wrote: »

Just one more....

While engineers can search google for engineering jokes, they still need boardsies to tell them what's funny and what isnt...:p

Not everyone is a boardsie and can see the funny side of it :P

Daniel S

It seems with engineering jokes it's all about the ones to avoid, not the ones to use!

bonzodog2

Before I came here I couldn't spell engineer. Now I are one.

Daniel S

bonzodog2 wrote: »

Before I came here I couldn't spell engineer. Now I are one.

That's very similar to the one that was decided on last semester, but it's only 90% there which is why we want a new one.

f1dan

Couple of Civil Engineering ones I've seen:

99 Problems but a bridge ain't one

Perfection with every erection

Daniel S

f1dan wrote: »

Couple of Civil Engineering ones I've seen:

99 Problems but a bridge ain't one

Perfection with every erection

F1 dan....

OMG. My name is Dan, do engineering and I love F1.

Capt'n Midnight

What's the difference between civil and mechanical engineers ?

Mechanical engineers build weapons. Civil engineers build targets.





How do you know God was an engineer ?

Who else would run a toxic waste pipe through a recreational area ?

czx

Engineers....
√(i)2
....keepin' it real

Capt'n Midnight

czx wrote: »

Engineers....
√(i)2
....keepin' it real

that's very negative of you

machiavellianme

czx wrote: »

Engineers....
√(i)2
....keepin' it real

Real engineers would've used j to denote the complex number!

time lord

"c'mere look at this flange"

Feck if I have to explain this one I'm showing my age.

deandean

'this is the tale of dead-eyed dick
A young engineer with a corkscrew pcrik
He searched the world from pole to pole
To find a woman with a corkscrew whole
Now that he found her he's lost his head
What did she have but a left-hand thread

P.K

Mechanical Engineers fitting shafts in bushes since (Class year)

Courtesy of DIT Mech Engineers

pappyodaniel