Boyfriend's female friend

Takada

Hi all,

I don't know if I'm overreacting but I'd love some objective advice on this.

Long story short: have been going out with a guy for 2 years now. All iis great between us, the odd argument, but tbh it's the best relationship I've ever been in. I'm 34, he's 29. Want to get married, kids, the whiole package.

The only thing is that I think a good female friend of his is in love with him. She told him (while drunk) about a month ago that she dreamt about them kissing and being together. It's been perfectly obvious to me for some time now that she's completely into him and, given the chance, she would go for it all guns blazing. She told him about a year before I met him that if she wasn't with her boyfriend she would love to be with him. She was at the time and still is with her current boyfriend. Today for example she posted photos of a trip that took place some months ago that I couldn't go on and there were more pics of my boyfriend than anyone else there... the only pic of her own boyfriend was in a group photo! Anytime we're in a group situatiion she does her best to get close to him, siits next to him, tries to make jokes that only he will get (they're both from the same country)...I know this sounds like jealousy but I'm more than happy for him to have loads of friends, male or female!

Ok, before this turns into a novel, I now feel uncomfortable around her where before I regarded her aa a friend.

I'd hate for this to ruin the friendship I have with her but I'm finding it hard to talk to her etc., knowing that she wants my boyfriend. For the record, my bofyfriend is the one who told me about the 'dream' she had and is adamant he is not attracted to her.

Both him & her call each other by pet names, the same names that he calls me. i thought for a while that the names he called me (sweet little nicknames) were personal and intimate, until I heard her using them towards him. She will never use my proper name when speaking to me, only his nickname for me, which feels kinda like she is putting me in a box and objectivising me.

So, my relationship issue is: how do I deal with this girl? And would it be unreasonable to explain my reticence to interact with her to my boyfriend? I really don't want to make a mountain out of a molehill, but don't want to be walked on either.

Thanks.

Takada

P.s.Sorry for any spelling mistakes, posting from phone and text is tiny...

bfocusd

It's down to him I think, he needs to point out to her that he's with you, if you say anything yo her she may turn it up a notch just to get at you as she knows it's getting to you.

Speak to him about it and just ask how he feels about the friendship and would he feel the shoe being on the other foot? Not in a way to start an argument or make it like your going to do the same as him, but in a way to show that your not comfortable with her being like that.

On the other hand I know quite a few women and men that flirt with anyone it's just their nature, maybe she's like that, but it's only obvious around your boyfriend as your watching it more.

Also I wouldn't mention anything yo her partner, it could end up them resenting the partners for being jealous or something.

LegacyUser

Trust your intuition. I should have trusted my own regarding a close female friend of my boyfriend's. I thought she had a thing for him. But he denied it. She was the girl he was after for years, but didn't get anywhere with. When I started going out with him, after a few months, she kissed him one night and told him she loved him. It was as if she only wanted what she couldn't have. I was so mad she did this - I would never have done such a thing to a taken man, if I was single. Luckily, he chose me over her and I didn't have to tell him to cut her out of his life, that just sort of happened. Things are great between my boyfriend and me, but I'm still wary of her coming back into our lives and destroying things. She travels but when she is home, I don't lecture my boyfriend about if he can see her or not - I let that be his own choice. I would recommend being wary of the girl OP and just communicating with your other half about it. Simple as that. If he's understanding, he won't think your paranoid or anything. Also, if I was in your situation, I'd be completely blunt with the girl and ask her what she's up to, because I couldn't handle having a 'friend' like that. Best of luck OP.

Canluum

Firstly I'm very happy to hear you're not going on the warpath, or attempting to control your bf with paranoid restrictions/manipulation as many hapless insecure individuals might. You know you don't own him and once he's not betraying relationship agreements then he can befriend who he pleases. Essentially you trust him. Good on you.

As to your relationship with this girl, well that is well within your remit. You're obliged to some degree to be civil and polite (and it's probably a good idea), but that's about the height of it. If her behaviour and desires are making you uncomfortable such that you feel you cannot sustain a friendship with her, then don't. Just distance yourself emotionally, you don't have to be close with all his friends. Don't confront her, she may be deluded but those are her issues... Don't be passive-aggressive, talk behind her back or create drama... just drift away, keep conversations to small talk etc. if you have to be in her company.

Confide in your boyfriend (making sure it's confidential) about how you feel. Be explicit that by no means are you attempting to restrict his spending time with her... that it's not a problem he has to fix (that's up to him to decide what's best for this girl and him), but just so he knows what to expect if you don't tag along when he goes out for a drink with her etc.

Good luck, I'm sure you'll get on with it fine

Takada

Thanks,

No, I would never say anything to her partner.

Yes, I would love to say it to him about the way she feels about him, but as it looks like we'll.be spending a lot of time tigether in the future, I don't want things to be awkward between me & her if something is said...

Would it be wrong if I asked him to telll her in so many words that he's not interested?

The Lovely Muffin

Would it be wrong if I asked him to telll her in so many words that he's not interested?

No it wouldn't be wrong or unreasonable.

As for the pet names - they need to cut them out, in my opinion.

I don't know any males/females who have pet names for each other.

Your boyfriend is enabling her behaviour by not saying anything to her and continuing to use pet names for her.

She needs to grow up and your boyfriend needs to grow a pair and tell her to cop on and he has no interest in her.

If he refused to talk to her, I would be suspicious to be honest, but maybe that's just me.

Talk to him OP, explain how her and her behaviour makes you feel and tell him how you feel about them having pet names for each other.

Canluum

Takada wrote: »

Would it be wrong if I asked him to telll her in so many words that he's not interested?

Not technically... you can always ask, though I would thread very lightly. Would it help? I mean she's still with her partner and he's still with you, surely she would have gotten the message now?

Maybe frame it from the perspective that you like her and want to be closer to her, but this is a bit of a roadblock between you two. Give him the option not to do it too, making it an ultimatum is kinda shi*ty. For something so small it's not worth the potential fallout.

Takada

Canluum,

Thsnks for your reply,

Yeah, I'm not looking for confrontation on this, just that he seems to be completly enchanted with her, for want of a better word. I think a lot of it is cultural references, but it makes me feel a bit left out sometimes! Stilll., this is something I have just realised and have yet to tell him, which I will.

I totallly trust him, it's just that this unspoken yet acknowledged attraction is hard to deal with...

Canluum

The Lovely Muffin wrote: »

I don't know any males/females who have pet names for each other.

So? How people define their personal friendships has nothing to do with your cultural enclave. Takada implied they're foreign, it may or may not be common where they're from. I'm Irish and even I have some nicknames for a few people I'm very close with, gay/straight/male/female..

The Lovely Muffin wrote: »

She needs to grow up and your boyfriend needs to grow a pair and tell her to cop on and he has no interest in her.

In fairness that's both his and his friend's decision.

EDIT:

Takada wrote: »

I totallly trust him, it's just that this unspoken yet acknowledged attraction is hard to deal with...

I get it, I do really. She has (I assume) the same upbringing/dialect etc. it's familiar and comfortable to him no doubt... and there's nothing wrong with that. My gf is foreign also so I do get it, but we have our own things too... even aside from the romance. Since you trust his intentions and he's not at all attracted to her... then just treat it as if she were a close gay-male compatriot of his who fancied the arse off him, that may be a little easier to deal with, but they are basically the same.

The Lovely Muffin

Canluum wrote: »

So? How people define their personal friendships has nothing to do with your cultural enclave. Takada implied they're foreign, it may or may not be common where they're from. I'm Irish and even I have some nicknames for a few people I'm very close with, gay/straight/male/female..

I know Takada implied they are foreign, I did actually read her post properly.

I simply stated that I personally didn't know of anyone who had pet names for their friends, that doesn't mean there aren't people (regardless of nationality) who do have pet names for each other.

There was no need for you to jump on my post and post a condescending reply to belittle me.

Canluum wrote: »

In fairness that's both his and his friend's decision.

Where did I say otherwise? I didn't.

I simply stated that they both need to grow up (which they do, in my opinion)

Fair enough if you don't agree, however I personally believe both the friend and boyfriend are to blame. The boyfriend knows how his friend feels about him, yet has never bothered to tell her (unless he did, and the OP never said in her post) that he has no interest in her.

Takada

Yes, they are both foreign. I only mentioned that with regard to the fact that they might have a closer cultural bond & therefore an 'in-joke' thing that I might be excluded from.

Lovely Muffin, you're right. We do need to grow up, at least I do. I need to tell him how I feel...no-one else can do that for me.

I think now that the thing I hate is that I have talked to him about her, insofar as he has spoken to me about her feelings towards him & I have acknowledged them, but have never actually told him that the whole thing is getting to me!

He has never said anything to her about her behaviour, which I'm annoyed about too. If it was a guy friend who was acting that way towards me I'd have no problem in setting him straight.

The Lovely Muffin

Takada wrote: »

Yes, they are both foreign. I only mentioned that with regard to the fact that they might have a closer cultural bond & therefore an 'in-joke' thing that I might be excluded from.

Lovely Muffin, you're right. We do need to grow up, at least I do. I need to tell him how I feel...no-one else can do that for me.

I think now that the thing I hate is that I have talked to him about her, insofar as he has spoken to me about her feelings towards him & I have acknowledged them, but have never actually told him that the whole thing is getting to me!

He has never said anything to her about her behaviour, which I'm annoyed about too. If it was a guy friend who was acting that way towards me I'd have no problem in setting him straight.

I apologise OP, I didn't mean that you need to grow up, just that your boyfriend and this girl too.

Your boyfriend is aware of this girls feelings for him, they use pet names for each other and he uses the same pet names for you, as he does for her. He should know that is hurtful, you shouldn't need to tell him that.

I personally believe your boyfriend is using this girl as an ego boost - he knows she likes him, he knows how she behaves around you, he uses the same pet names for you and for her, it's almost like he is subtly letting you know that if anything ever happened between you and him (break, split etc) that he always has her to fall back on.

Yes she may still be with her boyfriend, but honestly, if your boyfriend turned around tomorrow and told her he loved her, wanted her to be his girlfriend etc, would she turn him down and stay with her boyfriend? Or would she leave her boyfriend to be with your boyfriend?

I'm guessing she would leave her own boyfriend and take up with your boyfriend and your boyfriend knows this, hence he gets a kick out of it, knowing he has two women who fancy/love/want him, if it doesn't work out with the woman he is with now, he has another one to run to.

I could be totally wrong here OP, I'm just saying, it's not not beyond the realms of possibility.

The fact that when out together, and the way she speaks to you, acts with you, treats you - your boyfriend see's this, yet he has never said anything to you or her. Has he ever asked how you feel when she does this? Has he ever asked how you feel about them having pet names for each other?

Wompa1

Coincidentally my relationship just ended two days ago. My girlfriend didn't like that I was talking to an ex of mine whom I dated 5 years ago. She thought she was trying to get me back. I asked her if she wanted me to cut her out of my life and said I would. She said no, that I shouldn't have to. So I didn't, anyway my gf's behaviour go increasingly more erratic and things just boiled over. She told me she didn't trust me any more and I told her I couldn't handle her insecurities so we've gone our seperate ways.

For the record. I never said anything to the ex to even suggest I was interested. Met her twice over a 9 month period. Once sober and once on a night out. Nothing happened and nothing would happen. I've never cheated nor would I. If you love this guy, be wary, don't drive him away. Look at his character, is he a cheater? Probably not...

Takada

Hi again,

Lovely Muffin - I think that you have probably hit the nail on the head with the attention thing. And she would dump her guy in a heartbeat if there was a chance she could get with mine! But to be honest, I don't think that he would get with her anyway, it's more the adoration that he enjoys. God I sound like a beotch. I actually like the girl, but as I said I'm just finding it difficult to relax around her and it's got to the point where if I know she's going to be coming somewhere with us my heart kinda sinks.

Wompa - sorry to hear about your own situation. I completely agree that this is something that needs to be nipped in the bud now and not let fester. No, I totally trust him and love him to bits and I really don't want to lose him over something like this!

Thanks so much everyone for all of your advice - it's much appreciated.

I'll have a word with him.

Chinafoot

Takada wrote: »

I completely agree that this is something that needs to be nipped in the bud now and not let fester. No, I totally trust him and love him to bits and I really don't want to lose him over something like this!

.

I'm rather confused as to what you mean by "nip it in the bud". What do you want your boyfriend to do in this situation? Stop hanging out with her? Tell her to stop being so friendly? You think she fancies him and maybe she does. Then again maybe she doesn't. Talking about a dream in which they were together doesn't exactly scream "oh my god I want your babies!!!" She has a boyfriend and your boyfriend has you.

Have you considered that perhaps the reason your boyfriend hasn't said anything to this girl is because he doesn't feel the need to? He's with you and has been for two years. This girl is in your circle of friends and she has a boyfriend. He probably doesn't see thinsg the way you're seeing things. He has told you he's not attracted to her so whats the issue? Either you trust him or you don't. This girl can't make him cheat on you.

A friend of mine had/has a major crush on my boyfriend and she would flirt with him constantly to the point where people would comment on it to me. I found it funny because I know that he's with me and he loves me. I can't be bothered with jealousy. People secure in their relationships generally don't.

I would step very, very carefully here OP. They obviously have a good friendship (whether her motives are pure or not) and you run the risk of causing drama where there doesn't need to be any.

Fenian Army

My best friend is a girl and tbh she is more like a sister and we would be quite close pet names and we would do a lot of stuff together... Dont think she fancies me but if a gf wanted me to break ties or stop hanging around with my friend I would refuse and if she insisted I would break up with the gf.

Daisy M

Your boyfriend having a female friend is not the problem, your boyfriend having a female friend who is in love with him is the problem.

It can be very hard at times to make even the most loving relationship work and I dont think having someone lingering in the background possibly waiting for their opportunity will help your relationship. People can talk about not controlling your bf or not been jealous but you are in a situation that anyone would find hard.

I dont know why you are been given advice like thread lightly you should be your boyfriends priority. Your not coming across here as an insanely jealous woman, just a concerned one, surely your bf should be able to see you have valid concerns.

Takada

Chinafoot & Fenian Army, I have absolutely no intention of asking him not to hang out with her any more. This is not what I'm aiming for, some sort of 'her or me' scenario. Me talking about nipping it in the bud meant that I wanted to deal with this now and not let it become something I would obsess over, not anything like giving him an ultimatum...I would never do that. I think I know myself well enough now that if ultimatums or last chances are considered, then that's the end of the road. For the record, she does definitely fancy him, it's not imagination or paranoia. And if she does, she does...but my concern is the way in which he handles that. It seems at the moment that nothing is being discouraged and that's what's getting to me.

It's about respect.

I know that he loves me, wouldn't cheat, but that's quite another issue in my opinion. It's this apparent acceptance that this behaviour is ok from her with no consideration about how this might affect us...might affect me I suppose.

Again, this is not about me wanting her out of the picture because, apart from anything else, they ARE good friends and who the hell am I to tell someone who they can & can't be friends with.

DaisyM, thanks also for your post :-)

Chinafoot

Takada wrote: »

.but my concern is the way in which he handles that. It seems at the moment that nothing is being discouraged and that's what's getting to me.

It's about respect.

I know that he loves me, wouldn't cheat, but that's quite another issue in my opinion. It's this apparent acceptance that this behaviour is ok from her with no consideration about how this might affect us...might affect me I suppose.

Again, what do you want him to do? Tell her not to sit beside him, make jokes that they'll both understand due to a shared culture, call each pet names which could also be a cultural norm for them (or they could just be the type of people that use pet names...my coworker calls me *and* his girlfriend "chicken". Should I tell him to stop because he's disrespecting both his and my relationship?!) what?

Is he encouraging her? It doesn't sound like it from your posts. If anything it sounds like he's treating her like a close friend. If you want him to tell her to back off there is going to be awkwardness in your circle of friends and it could damage their friendship. The only thing even remotely inappropriate that I can see is a comment she made over a year ago and a drunken comment about a dream she had a month ago. She's hardly trying to snog the face off him at every opportunity.

If you trust him and don't believe he'll cheat on you then I really don't get why you are getting so worked up over this. If it was me I would pity this girl as not only is she obviously barking up the wrong tree, but she's also in a relationship she's clearly unhappy with.

By all means, tell your boyfriend that you're not happy with the fact he's friends with someone who fancies him, but remember that he can't control her feelings. Don't be surprised if he continues his friendship as is.