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Should we be together?

  • 25-01-2012 12:54pm
    #1
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Hi everyone, apologies for the long post in advance.

    So I'm, 22 years old, and my boyfriend is 25. We've been together for 4 years.
    He is the only guy I've ever really felt much of a genuine interest in, but lately, things between us just arnt great and I'm feeling really lost and confused. This is related to a good few different things.

    First of all, I should note that I am an extremely neat person, and I love too take good care of myself (hygiene wise). My boyfriend, however, is an out and out slob, and has been since I met him. This involves glasses full of ashes and cigarette butts left all over his room, bottles of urine sitting on his locker for weeks, his bedsheets being grey (unwashed) and just generaly dirtiness. I think I was blind to this at the beginning of our relationship because I was just so crazy about him. Now though, I find it really frustrating and offputting.

    His personal hygiene isnt up to much either. As a person who used to look after himself, he now doesnt bother showering for days, never shaves, and wears clothes that havnt been washed in weeks. He actually smells terrible. I have spoken to him about this, he tells me that he doesnt enjoy showering, and that he doesnt need it anyway because he's not "sweaty". On some occasions he promises to start putting in more of an effort.. this never materialises even though he thinks he's doing brilliantly. Mostly though, he brushes me off and tells me to shut up complaining. I feel like I am putting in an effort cleaning my house and looking after my body for someone who doesnt bother at all. He tells me I am selfish and that he doesnt have enough time.. at the same time however, he is boasting to me about finishing such a game on his xbox in 4 days etc. That aspect of our relationship is really bringing me down, i try so hard to feel attracted to him, but i just can't.

    On top of this, I feel like he generally doesnt care about my feelings at all. If I tell him I am struggling with an aspect of out relationship (which has been quite often lately), he will shake it off as complaining, and tell me to cop on. He never has time to discuss our problems, he will tell me to stop because I am ruining his relaxing night. Lately, I have been feeling particularly doubtful about us, and tried to tell him so on several occasions. He tells me that i don't feel the way I say I feel, makes a few unfufilled promises and goes back to whatever he's doign. He rarely takes what I say seriously or sits me down to see why I feel so much turmoil lately. He tells me that I am controlling and a nag etc. for wanting him to be different (i.e, clean and tidy).

    He's also quite agressive, will call me names if in the mood, will curse at me, and say some nasty things like that I've ruined his life or that I'm the worst girl he's been with. He used to tell me i deserved it for being such a b***h, but luckily, he now says that he was just angry and doesnt mean what he says. That aspect has improved, but not completely stopped.

    I feel like our fighting and the agression from him has made us drift apart. I feel unsure around him, and wonder if he loves me if he's treating me as agressively as he is. I think we both see each other in such a bad light, he sees me as a control freak who can't be trusted and I see him as lazy and unloving.

    On the bright side, we have a relatively good sex life. And we do keep a "date night" where we do something nice together which, I must admit, we do both genuinely enjoy. I'm just wondering if this can really justify a future with someone.

    I imagined marrying this guy, and was so so in love with him. I still do love him, he is my best friend, and I don't want to loose that, but now I worry about whether or not I'm settling. On one hand, i feel like I could be treated right by someone/connect with someone in a way that I'm, currently not with my boyfriend, while, on the other hand, i feel like i'll never find someone as good as him again, and I worry that I will regret it forever if i end it.

    I should also mention that I have always believed that people can heal their relationships and feel that great love again if they felt it before (which I did), but on another level, I worry that we will never get back to "us" after drifting so far away. I am so desperate and confused. I need help so badly with this and don't know who to go to. This guy has become part of me now but I don't know how much more I can deal with.


Comments

  • #2
    Beruthiel
    Moderators, Social & Fun Moderators Posts: 42,362 Mod ✭✭✭✭Beruthiel


    Molly22help wrote: »
    First of all, I should note that I am an extremely neat person, and I love too take good care of myself (hygiene wise). My boyfriend, however, is an out and out slob, and has been since I met him. This involves glasses full of ashes and cigarette butts left all over his room, bottles of urine sitting on his locker for weeks, his bedsheets being grey (unwashed) and just generaly dirtiness. I think I was blind to this at the beginning of our relationship because I was just so crazy about him. Now though, I find it really frustrating and offputting.

    Only frustrating and off putting?
    Because Molly, I have to say, a chimp living in the jungle is cleaner than your b/f.
    He lives like an animal. No, he lives worse than an animal.

    At the age of 25, he's well into adulthood and still behaves like a 14 year old boy.
    You on the other hand, have grown up.
    People change Molly, you have moved on from him in what is acceptable.
    Living in your own filth is no longer acceptable to you.
    He's not going to change while you are still there putting up with it.


  • #3
    Annie Dazzling Scalp
    Posts: 0 CMod ✭✭✭✭ Annie Dazzling Scalp


    there's nothing to add, OP, he lives worse than an animal, doesn't care about your feelings, calls you names...
    :confused:
    time to move on


  • #4
    Miss Fluff
    Closed Accounts Posts: 5,673 ✭✭✭Miss Fluff


    This man needs either a social worker or a home help NOT a girlfriend. He has anger issues, he has no self-respect or respect for you and he is living in squalor. You see documentaries on Channel 4 about this type of thing. It is minging, it is unacceptable and thank goodness you have finally seen the light. I get that he is your "best friend" etc but how he can even expect you to be intimate with him (please Wiki "smegma") is beyond comprehension :eek:

    Breaking up with someone after a few years is always a difficult thing to do but when you do find a new boyfriend who smells of soap and sexy aftershave and looks after himself to impress you then you'll wonder what the hell you were doing this troglodyte in the first place. It's disgusting and how he can expect to maintain any kind of interpersonal relationship let alone have a girlfriend is beyond me tbh.

    Dump him.


  • #5
    Annie Dazzling Scalp
    Posts: 0 CMod ✭✭✭✭ Annie Dazzling Scalp


    Molly22help wrote: »
    i feel like i'll never find someone as good as him again,

    I didn't see this
    OP, take it from me: there is much, much better out there. Really, there is. There are people who won't have to be reminded to clean themselves, people who do not store bottles of urine (????), people who will treat you with the love and respect you deserve. All the time. And you won't be sitting around thinking "at least when he yells and calls me names he doesn't say it's my fault anymore". They won't dismiss your concerns: they will listen to you because they love you, respect you, really care how you feel, and find the things you say genuinely interesting.

    You're young, you got into the relationship as a teenager, so it's hard to imagine there's so much out there - but there honestly is. It's a hard step but you will be much happier in the medium to long term by dumping him and moving on.


  • #6
    ted1
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 23,898 ✭✭✭✭ted1


    Honestly Run and Run Fast.

    He sounds like a filthy slob, if you stay together there is a better chance of him changing you then you changing him.

    Get out before its to late.


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  • #7
    BraziliaNZ
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 5,671 ✭✭✭BraziliaNZ


    Jesus Christ OP, there are plenty of good successful attractive smart well dressed men out there wondering why they're single; and a man who collects his own piss and lives like a homeless old lunatic, has a loving girlfriend? I think this is the final nail in the coffin for us!
    Get away girl, asap.


  • #8
    Acoshla
    Closed Accounts Posts: 5,729 ✭✭✭Acoshla


    I'd be out the door when I'd see the first bottle of piss. OP normal people clean themselves, I felt physically sick when you mentioned you have a good sex life with him, but you said he actively smells bad! You, and everyone else, deserve much better than that.


  • #9
    ManOfMystery
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 2,394 ✭✭✭ManOfMystery


    Molly22help wrote: »
    i feel like i'll never find someone as good as him again

    That's a big danger, I have to admit. There's a strong chance you might find someone who looks after themselves, looks after their home, doesn't have anger issues and listens to what you have to say.

    You have some good times with your BF, but these are totally overwhelmed by his disgusting behaviour and the bad times. I honestly don't see many redeeming features here.

    And if you think he's dirty and inattentive now - after 4 years together, and still being relatively young guy - you're going to be in for one hell of a rude awakening when you see what he's like as he gets older, more used to you, more complacent and less motivated.

    Get out OP. As Brazilian has said above, there's plenty of guys out there who will have much more respect for themselves and for you.


  • #10
    Chinafoot
    Closed Accounts Posts: 9,894 ✭✭✭Chinafoot


    OP, I apologise for breaking down your post like this but I think it's important for you to read each one of these negatives in isolation. Read them and ask yourself why you are with this man? Him being your best friend isn't enough. Fear of not finding someone else is not enough either - particularly at the very young age of 22!

    Imagine a close friend came to you and told you that all of the below was happening in her relationship. What would your advice be to her?

    Molly22help wrote: »
    On some occasions he promises to start putting in more of an effort.. this never materialises...
    Molly22help wrote: »
    Mostly though, he brushes me off and tells me to shut up complaining.

    Molly22help wrote: »
    He tells me I am selfish and that he doesnt have enough time.. at the same time however, he is boasting to me about finishing such a game on his xbox in 4 days etc.
    Molly22help wrote: »
    On top of this, I feel like he generally doesnt care about my feelings at all.
    Molly22help wrote: »
    he will shake it off as complaining, and tell me to cop on.
    Molly22help wrote: »
    He never has time to discuss our problems, he will tell me to stop because I am ruining his relaxing night.
    Molly22help wrote: »
    He tells me that i don't feel the way I say I feel, makes a few unfufilled promises and goes back to whatever he's doign.
    Molly22help wrote: »
    He rarely takes what I say seriously or sits me down to see why I feel so much turmoil lately.
    Molly22help wrote: »
    He tells me that I am controlling and a nag etc. for wanting him to be different (i.e, clean and tidy).
    Molly22help wrote: »
    He's also quite agressive,
    Molly22help wrote: »
    will call me names if in the mood,
    Molly22help wrote: »
    will curse at me,
    Molly22help wrote: »
    and say some nasty things like that I've ruined his life or that I'm the worst girl he's been with.
    Molly22help wrote: »
    He used to tell me i deserved it for being such a b***h, but luckily, he now says that he was just angry and doesnt mean what he says.
    Molly22help wrote: »
    That aspect has improved, but not completely stopped.
    Molly22help wrote: »
    I feel unsure around him, and wonder if he loves me if he's treating me as agressively as he is.
    Molly22help wrote: »
    he sees me as a control freak who can't be trusted and I see him as lazy and unloving.

    Surely OP, you can see that this is not the way a relationship is meant to be? Boyfriend's are not meant to be aggressive, spiteful, unloving, uncommunicative, immature and selfish. Why do you think you don't deserve better?

    On the issue of his personal hygiene...OP, how on earth can you bring yourself to touch this man? I actually felt physically sick reading your post. He sounds absolutely disgusting. This man clearly has zero respect for himself, so how can you possibly expect him to have any for you?


  • #11
    Ickle Magoo
    Closed Accounts Posts: 17,485 ✭✭✭✭Ickle Magoo


    Molly22help wrote: »
    ...on the other hand, i feel like i'll never find someone as good as him again, and I worry that I will regret it forever if i end it.

    This stuck out for me OP...

    I'm going to be brutally honest, I don't think you'll ever find a guy like him again...do you know why? Because the vast majority of normal people just don't live like that.

    If you are in a place where you don't naturally run a mile from someone who think's peeing in bottles and storing them around the house is normal, who justifies not washing themselves or their clothes until they actually become repellent to smell and as the pièce de résistance calls you names and makes you feel crap about yourself - then I think you really need to make an appointment with a counsellor asap and find out why that is.

    All the very best.


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  • #12
    The Lovely Muffin
    Closed Accounts Posts: 6,595 ✭✭✭The Lovely Muffin


    This involves glasses full of ashes and cigarette butts left all over his room, bottles of urine sitting on his locker for weeks
    :eek: Wow, just wow. I had to re-read this line about five times before I could actually believe it is real. This is the most shocking part of your post OP.

    What normal person urinates into bottle and leave's them sitting around for weeks?
    • He calls you names
    • He doesn't shower for days
    • He doesn't shave for days
    • Hew wears dirty clothes
    • He stores urine in bottle and leaves them sitting around the house
    • He won't discuss your problems
    • He doesn't listen to you
    • He calls you name
    • He doesn't respect you or himself
    • He is aggressive towards you

    That is absolutely astounding, I don't understand how anyone can live like that, I really, really can't.

    How can you possibly have a good sex life with this guy when he lives in such a disgusting way?

    Does he shower on these "date nights"? Does he shower/wash at all before you sleep with him? if he doesn't, how do you manage not to gag with the smell of him?

    I don't mean to be vulgar, but I could not imagine going down on a guy who is so filthy.

    As for him not enjoying showering, I'n sure there are plenty of people who don't like showers, but have showers anyway because they have respect for themselves and for those around them, especially partners and when they know they are going to be intimate with someone.
    Ickle Magoo wrote: »
    This stuck out for me OP...

    I'm going to be brutally honest, I don't think you'll ever find a guy like him again...do you know why? Because the vast majority of normal people just don't live like that.
    Agree with this.

    I have never, ever, heard of anyone, male or female who urinates into bottle and leaves them sitting around the place.

    Frankly OP, you need to get rid of this guy. He doesn't care about or love you, if he did, he wouldn't treat you the way he does.

    Any man who loves you wouldn't call you names, tell you to cop on, they wouldn't ignore any problems within the relationship, they wouldn't be aggressive towards you, they wouldn't tell you to shut up and stop complaining.

    Your boyfriend needs to grow up rapidly and cop himself on. He is not normal OP, no normal person behaves the way he does. He should be thoroughly ashamed of himself and his behaviour.

    If my boyfriend behaved like this towards me (and vice versa,and we are together six months) he would be out the door so fast his feet wouldn't touch the ground.

    You need to get out of this relationship and get away from this guy OP because as long as you stay with him and put up/accept this behaviour, the longer he will continue with it.

    If he knows you won't walk away, why would he change?

    Get out now OP, be single for a while and then find someone who is worth your love, affection, time and effort. And someone who will treat with the love and respect you deserve, not like this filthy guy.


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