Asking an undergrad out

LegacyUser

Hi folks,

I'm a 23 year old postgrad student in the second year of a PhD. I'm not exactly great with women and haven't had much success at all (no girlfriends, no relationships, nothing). I'm pretty nervous and don't have the confidence to approach a girl out of the blue in a pub or a nightclub, and when I do get the courage I have to have a fair few drinks in me. I'm not totally shy and can chat to people randomly most of the time, but I can't chat to women out of the blue for some reason. I'm petrified of rejection. On the odd occasion in my department I've had a brief chat with a particular undergrad, a second year. I don't think there's a mad age gap or anything between us, she's 20. But I'm not sure how you would approach this, how do you ask somebody out in broad daylight, with no drink? I don't want to sound seedy or anything, it's just that I'm shit scared of it back firing completely. Cheers for any advise!

LegacyUser

I don't think the age gap is that big, but I (personally) wouldn't get involved with a student in my department

MikeCork2009

First up, age gap, what age gap, 23 - 20 is nothing (if anything, many girls prefer older guys)

postgradia wrote: »

I don't think the age gap is that big, but I (personally) wouldn't get involved with a student in my department

The fact that you are a PhD student and she is an undergrad actually works in your favour. If you ask her out and it doesn't work out then you probably won't see her that often anyhow, so avoids the awkwardness (compared to say if you were in the same class/year)

As for the asking out. Well you say that on the odd occassion you have had a brief chat with her. Try to find some common ground and build naturally from there. Like ask her about her studies/how college is going and maybe try relate to your experiences as an undergrad. Maybe ask did she get up to anything at the weekend/is she in any clubs/socs (try to get an idea of her interests - plus lots of girls love talking about themselves ) You may not get the opportunity to ask her out the first time but you will hopefully have an idea of what she likes and can use this to ask her out the next time. For example maybe she likes music/comedy/political debate - you could see if there is something on in college/town and slip that into the conversation next time you see her "Hey, you were saying that you like comedy, I see that theres a student stand up night in the college bar this Thursday night, I was thinking of going along, fancy coming/maybe I'll see you there?"

And finally, don't be scared. Life is scary, and putting yourself out there and taking a chance is petrifying. But that's only because the reward is worth the risk. And if it doesn't work and if she says she is not interested then don't worry at least you will have tried and can use the experience on the next girl (it gets less scary)

Best of luck.

woodchuck

Before you ask her out, you’d want to make sure you’re not going to be someone she’ll have to depend on in the future in order to get her degree. You didn’t mention what department you’re both in, but is there any chance that you’d ever have to give a tutorial to a group that she’d be a student in, grade her assignments/exams, or help her out in a laboratory setting? I just think if there’s a strong possibility that you’ll both be involved in a student/teacher relationship at some point, a romantic relationship isn’t a good idea right now.

However if that’s not a potential issue, then just go for it You could start off slow if you’re nervous. The next time you bump into her you could ask her come have coffee/tea with you if you’re both free then. Once you get talking to her properly you’ll have a better idea of what her interests are and how to go about asking her on a proper ‘date’. Like if she mentions a particular film she’d like to see you could suggest getting some food and then seeing it together.

LegacyUser

MikeCork2009 wrote:

The fact that you are a PhD student and she is an undergrad actually works in your favour. If you ask her out and it doesn't work out then you probably won't see her that often anyhow, so avoids the awkwardness (compared to say if you were in the same class/year)

As for the asking out. Well you say that on the odd occassion you have had a brief chat with her. Try to find some common ground and build naturally from there. Like ask her about her studies/how college is going and maybe try relate to your experiences as an undergrad. Maybe ask did she get up to anything at the weekend/is she in any clubs/socs (try to get an idea of her interests - plus lots of girls love talking about themselves ) You may not get the opportunity to ask her out the first time but you will hopefully have an idea of what she likes and can use this to ask her out the next time. For example maybe she likes music/comedy/political debate - you could see if there is something on in college/town and slip that into the conversation next time you see her "Hey, you were saying that you like comedy, I see that theres a student stand up night in the college bar this Thursday night, I was thinking of going along, fancy coming/maybe I'll see you there?"

And finally, don't be scared. Life is scary, and putting yourself out there and taking a chance is petrifying. But that's only because the reward is worth the risk. And if it doesn't work and if she says she is not interested then don't worry at least you will have tried and can use the experience on the next girl (it gets less scary)

Best of luck.

Cheers man! Well she's involved in a society that I'm not a member of but would have some interest in, so I might see (it's more geared towards the undergrads and I'd feel totally out of place in it). I have to admit when I was drunk one night I ended up adding her on facebook... So don't know how that might have affected things. I'll try and strike up a conversation with her proper when she's back from holidays and see what happens.

woodchuck wrote: »

Before you ask her out, you’d want to make sure you’re not going to be someone she’ll have to depend on in the future in order to get her degree. You didn’t mention what department you’re both in, but is there any chance that you’d ever have to give a tutorial to a group that she’d be a student in, grade her assignments/exams, or help her out in a laboratory setting? I just think if there’s a strong possibility that you’ll both be involved in a student/teacher relationship at some point, a romantic relationship isn’t a good idea right now.

No, that wouldn't be an issue at all. I don't teach tutorials and I wouldn't have her in any of the stuff I do in any case (it's geography, I'm a physical geographer and she's into the human stuff), so I wouldn't be doing labs with her or anything. So there shouldn't be any conflict of interest involved.

However if that’s not a potential issue, then just go for it You could start off slow if you’re nervous. The next time you bump into her you could ask her come have coffee/tea with you if you’re both free then. Once you get talking to her properly you’ll have a better idea of what her interests are and how to go about asking her on a proper ‘date’. Like if she mentions a particular film she’d like to see you could suggest getting some food and then seeing it together.

Cheers, I might do that, it doesn't sound as intimidating if you say coffee and that's pretty casual in any case. That's actually a really good idea! She's off now as the exams have finished up so when she's back I'll see about that. It's hard trying to get to see her though as she'd only be in my building for lectures and that's about it, I'd feel awkward trying to chat her up in front of other undergrads. I suppose, fortune favours the bold, won't know till I try!

Thanks for all the advise folks!

LegacyUser

If you don't teach her, then I don't see the problem. There is no age gap. Don't be silly

Emme

Go for it. I work in a university and lots of couples meet this way.

CathyMoran

My husband was an undergrad while I was a postgrad in the same department (he is younger than me) - I did not invigilate exams until after her finished but apart from that there were no issues. Go for it!

LegacyUser

Not to sound smart, but it's amazing when, in my mid 30s, the "problem" the OP has just seems so trivial and a "nothing" problem.
I would have probably made a deal out of it at 23 as well, but looking back, you think "what was all the fuss about"

My advice would be to ask her out, why are you even thinking about it! Or why are creating obstacles that just aren't there....

lace

Definitely ask her out OP!

23 and 20 isn't really an age gap at all at that age and if you're not going to be teaching her then there's no issue really!

If you're friends with her on Facebook you could have a quick look around her page to find out what sort of stuff she's into. Next time you're talking to her bring up a TV show/director/band you're both interested in and get the conversation going that way.

If you want to build it up slowly, you could sort of continue the conversation on Facebook chat later by sending her a link to something you talked about earlier : "Oh here's a link to that article/song/video I was telling you about. I think you'll like it ". This may lead to more conversation the next time you see her and ye can continue the discussion.

When you build up the courage to ask her out, be nice and casual about it. Don't forget to also ask for her number if ye're going to be meeting up somewhere so you can text her to confirm or so she can let you know if she's going to be late etc!

Good Luck!