Friend having an affair

LegacyUser

I'm female and this issue relates to someone who I considered a friend (male)

I've recently discovered he is having an affair and I havent really said anything to him, but to be honest I just feel like severing the friendship and leaving it at that without saying anything.

He has a lovely wife and a beautiful little boy and the person he is having an affair with is well known as a very flirty and full on person.

I actually feel weird because my whole feelings have changed for him because of this. I dont want to confront him on it but I dont want to be in his company either. Am I ok just to phase him out.

I dont like what he stands for and have no time for messers. Am I being unfair?

I am a friend

No, you are entitled to be friends with whomever you want but be prepared to explain why once he cops that you are phasing him out...

How do you know? are you 100% sure?

ManOfMystery

Some will say it's none of your business and should have no impact on your friendship as you're not his wife/partner ........................................... while others will say that to have an affair implies he is a deceitful person, and thus not who you thought he was. And in that respect, you've every right to sever the friendship.

There's no right or wrong really. If you can't continue being his friend, it's your call. For the record, have you spoken to him (or considered speaking to him) about this to try and make him see sense?

LegacyUser

You have every right to stop being friends with someone. But is the friendship not worth a brief explanation about why you dont want him in your life? we all do things we do/will regret and this is definitely something he will regret so maybe a short sharp warning from you in the form of I'm not your friend til you end this will bring him back to reality a bit. Of course you dont want to get involved but by ending your friendship you already are taking a stance. A short text/email mightnt make a blind bit of difference but is it not worth it, a quick severing of the friendship wont really achieve anything.

Sleepy

I'd say it's worth talking to him about it. No one knows all the details of a couple's relationship outside of those two people, for all you know they could have an open marriage / his wife may have encouraged him to seek sex outside of the marital bed because she's no interest.

LegacyUser

Of course you can end the friendship if you choose. But it strikes me that you are being very judgemental. Have you walked a mile in his shoes? This 'affair' may be the result of an open relationship, a sexless marriage or the beginnings of a relationship with his future wife of 50 years. Nobody is all bad or all good. What about live and let live?

Of course, it could be the kind of affair that fits your imagination (sordid?), but it's more likely that to him it's a huge personal crisis/ time of fear and change... if you were really his friend you might choose to support him (however you choose to interpret this)... otherwise, maybe he's better off without your 'friendship' anyway?

Big Bag of Chips

My friend was having an affair. We did the talking/discussing/reasoning etc but she wasn't bothered and wouldn't end it.

In the end I phased her out. I didn't want to be part of it, and having her husband thinking I was "in on it" if/when it all came out.

How did you find out? If someone told you,maybe you should let him know its not much of a secret.

Sindri

You are are in a difficult situation as you will probably feel in some way culpable if his wife finds out and you have known for some time.

I suggest you let your friend know this, and that you do not feel comfortable keeping such a large secret from his wife or being in his company while he keeps such a large secret from his wife.

Abi

If I knew with absolutely no doubt that he was having an affair, I'd tell him we could no longer be friends as a result of it. If there was an open marriage or a deal between he and his wife that he could seek sex outside their marriage I think he would be quick enough to tell you so, to set the record straight.

A denial, or a himming and hawwing obvious lie / cover up response and I wouldn't give him one second more of my time.

In either scenario, you're entitled to break the friendship if you so wish. You mightn't want to confront him, but I personally wouldn't be able to phase him out and forget about it. Confronting him could possibly prompt him to face his actions if he is indeed cheating.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the messages guys. I found out by accident and he has already lied to me over this (a previous incident) which I did confront him on. No one told me, I know the person he is involved with and they told conflicting stories without realising I would hear both sides of the story.

It would be highly unlikely that his wife and he have an open relationship. I know this from our conversations we have had in the past about how precious his family is. I actually thought he was mad about his wife.

Maybe I am being judgemental.....but that is the way I am (black or white)
Usually, I am not afraid of confronting someone, but in this case I really feel like just not contacting him again! It's really unlike me and I am surprised.

While we are not best friends and could go a couple of weeks or a month without seeing each other I thought we were good friends and I will miss that. But at the moment I think I am going to put a bit of distance between us and then see what pans out.

I then have some time to think of how I should approach it.

Thanks again guys.

nonsmoker

One of my longest, closest friends had an affair last year. At the time I had known she and her husband were having problems which he refused to try and sort out (according to her anyway)

In the beginning I thought if the new man makes her happy then its nothing to do with me and I'll be there for her when/if she needs me.

After a few months though I realised I didnt like her anymore, the way she was behaving, lying, messing both of them around, I didnt want to have anything to do with her anymore and we no longer speak, the last thing I thought would ever happen.

The worst thing now is when people ask why we are no longer friends and I have to lie because I can't tell anyone the real reason. I never want to be in that position again.

Abi

Just end it OP, and state that you don't approve and want out.

nonsmoker wrote: »

One of my longest, closest friends had an affair last year. At the time I had known she and her husband were having problems which he refused to try and sort out (according to her anyway)

In the beginning I thought if the new man makes her happy then its nothing to do with me and I'll be there for her when/if she needs me.

After a few months though I realised I didnt like her anymore, the way she was behaving, lying, messing both of them around, I didnt want to have anything to do with her anymore and we no longer speak, the last thing I thought would ever happen.

The worst thing now is when people ask why we are no longer friends and I have to lie because I can't tell anyone the real reason. I never want to be in that position again.

Why do you feel the need to lie for her?

Big Bag of Chips

Abi wrote: »

Why do you feel the need to lie for her?

Because its not really the done thing to go around telling people your friend is having an affair.

Ever here the phrase "to shoot the messenger"?!

Abi

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

Abi wrote: »

Why do you feel the need to lie for her?

Because its not really the done thing to go around telling people your friend is having an affair.

Ever here the phrase "to shoot the messenger"?!

I obviously didn't mean to 'go around' telling everyone, broadcasting in the way you're trying to imply I meant.

If I was asked, I wouldn't lie on their behalf.

Big Bag of Chips

Abi wrote: »

I obviously didn't mean to 'go around' telling everyone, broadcasting in the way you're trying to imply I meant.

If I was asked, I wouldn't lie on their behalf.

I must have misunderstood your post, because if someone asks what happened that they don't speak anymore, other than saying "we don't speak, because she's having an affair and I don't approve", everything else is technically lying for her. I thought that was what the poster meant by lying for her, and what you questioned?

Oryx

We stop being friends with people for all kinds of reasons, if our likes, dislikes and standards drift apart. If you cannot accept this man because of this, then it is your right not to be his friend. But you should be honest with him about it, affairs have consequences, he may not have seen this as one of them. But as he sounds like a good friend, before you walk away, listen to him. Use this as an opportunity to understand him better (even if you dislike what you learn).

Ive always believed, as a poster says above, that you cannot judge people unless youve lived the life they have, and been through everything that made them who they are. Good people dont always do good things, we all make poor choices. At least if you talk to your friend about this, you are giving him another perspective on what he is doing, and he may examine why. And for me, when it comes to friendships, even if they seem to end, I always leave the door open, because even if this pushes you apart, in future, you both may end up friends again as things change.

Abi

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

I must have misunderstood your post, because if someone asks what happened that they don't speak anymore, other than saying "we don't speak, because she's having an affair and I don't approve", everything else is technically lying for her. I thought that was what the poster meant by lying for her, and what you questioned?

"going around telling everyone" = gossiping about someone. Making a point of telling as many people that will listen to you that they're having an affair. That is what you implied I meant.

What I'm saying to you is, if I was asked, I would not lie about it. At the very least, I would advise them to go and talk to the ex friend about it, if they really wanted to know. My way of handling it isn't wrong, but it's just that - my way of handling it. Whether you agree with me or not is irrelevant.

Big Bag of Chips

Abi wrote: »

My way of handling it isn't wrong, but it's just that - my way of handling it. Whether you agree with me or not is irrelevant.

Ok, I think we have a case of "lost in translation" here! I didn't mean to imply she should gossip about it, nor that I disagreed with you.

It is a terrible situation to be in, or to be put in. So I really don't think its a case of 1 way or the other being the better way to handle it.

I know in my situation, I just stopped having contact with my friend (although she knew exactly the reason!) and told anybody who asked that we just drifted. I wasn't prepared to say anymore for fear of being the one who "told", and possibly end their marriage. I didn't see it as my place to break up her family, I thought if that were to happen it should come from her.

And there you, and a lot of people, may disagree with MY way if handling it... but that too is irrelevant!

Abi

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

Ok, I think we have a case of "lost in translation" here! I didn't mean to imply she should gossip about it, nor that I disagreed with you.

It is a terrible situation to be in, or to be put in. So I really don't think its a case of 1 way or the other being the better way to handle it.

I know in my situation, I just stopped having contact with my friend (although she knew exactly the reason!) and told anybody who asked that we just drifted. I wasn't prepared to say anymore for fear of being the one who "told", and possibly end their marriage. I didn't see it as my place to break up her family, I thought if that were to happen it should come from her.

And there you, and a lot of people, may disagree with MY way if handling it... but that too is irrelevant!

I wouldn't worry about being the one that told. I don't mean to walk up and just offer the information, but certainly if her husband suspected and asked me if it was true, I wouldn't say no, or I don't know. After confronting her about it, and telling her we could no longer be friends, I'd tell her that if asked I wouldn't deny it. If she's underhanded enough to cheat and to lie to her husband, then she needn't expect me to lie for her too. That's my take on it as I said, but different strokes and all that.

Maple

Abi/big bag of chips, you're derailing the thread. Keep all responses directed towards the OP.

Thanks

Maple

nonsmoker

Abi wrote: »

Just end it OP, and state that you don't approve and want out.


Why do you feel the need to lie for her?

I know what you are saying, I'm not the one that did anything wrong and shouldnt have to lie to cover for her but no matter what I think of her now, for me to tell people the real reason why we no longer speak would just not be right.

I was one of very few people who knew about it and to blab now just cause we dont speak would be something that I couldnt do, we live in a small town and if it got out it would ruin her, her husband, both their families and I dont want to be responsible for that.