Ex from 7 yrs ago on my mind

Pippy1976

Hi Guys

I'm not sure if I'm looking for advice. It seems like I just have to get the thoughts in my head 'out there' & I may feel better etc. So, here goes:

I was going out with a wonderful guy for 3 and a half years. We met in college. He was good looking, good fun, a good friend and good guy. I broke up with him because I kissed a random guy when I was out with my friends one night. I couldn't live with myself, or be in a relationship, knowing I'd done this to a wonderful guy who thought the world of me. I never told him I cheated so to him it was a complete shock when I broke his heart & I never gave him a proper explanation. I just knew that if I'd kissed someone else there obviously were issues in our relationship. Anyway, I ended up going out with the guy I kissed for 4 years. That ended about 2 years ago now. Which is fine, I'm totally over that!

Anyway, it's 7 years on this year and I still think about my ex whose heart I broke completely. Every time there's a crisis in my life or things go wrong or something bad happens he pops into my head and all I want to do is talk to him. Over the years I've emailed him about what I'm up to, where I am, what I'm doing, how my family are & what's going on with them. He's never replied but I email him anyway. He's the only ex-boyfriend whose pictures I've kept, whose notes I still have and who my family still ask about.

The other day, out of the blue, I got an email from him. There wasn't anything too ground-breaking in it but after 7 years of me keeping in touch with him it's bizarre for him to reply. There was a bit of banter back & forth but again, nothing important. The fact that he got in touch was amazing to me and made me very happy and very emotional.

Like I said, whenever things have gone back or wrong for me over the years he's my only thought... why did I break up with him when I didn't really want to, I miss him quite alot, is 7 years too long to even meet up & talk now?, could we even be friends?

I made a huge mistake 7 years ago. I know that he was definitely the right guy for me but i got rid of him. I've missed him dearly over the years. But, I know our time has passed now & I'm afraid I'm going to be on my own... and it's my own fault.

That's all I wanted to say. I think I passed up my only opportunity at being with my soul mate....

I am a friend

Whoa whoa whoa - why go you think there is no chance? I got back with my ex after c16 years apart and we had finished under somewhat similar circumstances. We have just had our first baby ))

Don't give up til he tells you to give up.

newuser30

You're romanticising the memory of this guy, its ok we all do it about exes we loved. And he pops up in your head because there was never full closure on a good relationship. Kissing a random guy wasn't the worst thing you could of done and I think you know that your immediate unexplained ending of a long relationship over it was kind of drastic in hindsight. But it happened because things obviously weren't as rosey back then as they seem now as you gaze back fondly on the past. You still wonder about it because you weren't honest with him and if you had of been things might of been very different.
If the opportunity should arise why not meet up with him (if he's single, and wants to) and find out how he is, maybe you could be friends again, and who knows after that? But definitely don't go with any expectations/hopes. It was a long time ago and he's most likely moved on and perhaps now is happy in himself and feels he should make up for ignoring you all that time.

inexperienced

do you know any news about him? how do you perceive his reply to you? Do you secretly hope that he's kinda wanting you like you want him?

i personally think that you keep on emailing him without his replies is a bit silly. I did that before (for about a year, not very long compared with yours). So i am talking from experience. It actually is harmful to yourself that hinders you from moving on. you are making up an image in your mind but in reality, maybe he's very different form what you are making up.

now he replied you once. what did you do? did you reply him then? if you can resume to having some mutual contacts, then i guess it's good for yourself to ask him to meet up and take it from there.

but if that reply from him was the only one contact and he did not reply your follow-up email, i really think it's better you leave it, stop all these 'daddy long-leg' emails. for yourself.

live in the present, not in the past.

Pippy1976

Thanks so much for all the replies, guys. It's been really helpful reading through them.

I'll answer all your questions here & see what yee come back with.

I don't know much news about him other than he's working away, bought a house and isn't up to anything too exciting (direct quote!). His reply to me was nice. There were a few replies back & forth but nothing too ground-breaking... which is fair enough.

No, I'm not hoping he wants me but I'm hoping he has forgiven me. I've thought about the ending of our relationship alot over the years. It was a bit 'stale' I guess you'd call it but he was super-nice to be and very caring. All my peers are in similar relationships now & what I had back then is exactly what they have. I was hasty and felt that at 29 it wasn't what I wanted... I know now though that it was a very normal relationship. Faraway hills are greener & all that.

I emailed him over the years because I know that he'd be the type of guy who would be interested to know how all my family were doing & what they were up to. They really had a soft spot for him.

In my last email to him the other day I put my number in the email & said that if he had a spare few hours someday in the future that it would be good to meet up & chat. Needless to say he didn't reply - totally understandable.

@I am a friend - I don't think there is a chance because I broke his heart, didn't give him an explanation as to why and left it at that. Totally unfair.

He does live nearby, I don't know if he's single (I could never ask him that question, it's unfair). Maybe I am romanticising the relationship - it's easy to do that with hindesight. However, I know we had our tough times, we fought like any other couple BUT I know (I really do know) that he was the one for me and I let him go... I didn't know at the time that he was the one - I took him for granted and figured another one like him would come along.

I do think it's strange that every time something good or bad happens that he's the one I think of... EVERY time over the years. It's mad. Anyway, thanks for the help. I think I let him go & I won't ever get him back & I need to accept that & live with it.

Miss him though....

BraziliaNZ

well you need to think of what it's like to be dumped. The guy was probably in bits for months, years even. And then you're trying to get him out to meet you etc? I can think of a certain ex, who dumped me before, and if she was to contact me in a few years looking to meet up etc, I'd think she was pathetic, to be honest. It would be obvious that she hadn't gotten on with her life and she was lonely.
You dumped him because you wanted another bloke, let him keep his dignity now and leave him alone.

Pippy1976

@BraziliaNZ, you're totally right. I know exactly what it's like to be dumped - after 4 years with someone else who broke my heart it is devastating.

It's not like I'm hassling him. I send him an email once a year at most. The other day he replied for the first time in 6 years. I was just wondering what that meant (if anything) and wanted to share that with people who maybe able to advise.

That's all.

BraziliaNZ

Pippy1976 wrote: »

@BraziliaNZ, you're totally right. I know exactly what it's like to be dumped - after 4 years with someone else who broke my heart it is devastating.

It's not like I'm hassling him. I send him an email once a year at most. The other day he replied for the first time in 6 years. I was just wondering what that meant (if anything) and wanted to share that with people who maybe able to advise.

That's all.

It probably doesn't mean anything. I ignore texts from my ex when they come in, if I do ever reply, it would never lead to anything as I'd never trust her again or let her into my life after the drama she caused before.
Just leave it, this guy is not your "soul mate" or you wouldn't have left him for someone else!

Pippy1976

BraziliaNZ wrote: »

It probably doesn't mean anything. I ignore texts from my ex when they come in, if I do ever reply, it would never lead to anything as I'd never trust her again or let her into my life after the drama she caused before.
Just leave it, this guy is not your "soul mate" or you wouldn't have left him for someone else!

Fair enough. I take your advice on board. In my opinion though, as I know the situation, he was my soulmate. Due to my actions I mistakenly let him go. Therefore, I've made my bed & need to lie in it for the rest of my days. Pity.

BraziliaNZ

Pippy1976 wrote: »

Fair enough. I take your advice on board. In my opinion though, as I know the situation, he was my soulmate. Due to my actions I mistakenly let him go. Therefore, I've made my bed & need to lie in it for the rest of my days. Pity.

Oh come on there's no such thing as a soul mate! That's just what the movies tell you. Are you hurt from your last partner? You'll move on no doubt and meet someone new and exciting in time and neither of these 2 guys will be on your mind.

Pippy1976

I really do think there's such a thing as a soulmate - my sisters & friends have all found theirs, no joke!

Hurt by my last partner? At the time very much so but not now, no. We weren't right for eachother.

I hope I will meet someone... as a girl gets older the window of opportunity gets further & further away. It's worrying for me at times and I guess it's the regret of losing him 7 years ago that makes me want to turn the clock back. If only, huh?!

jackhammer

Pippy1976 wrote: »

I made a huge mistake 7 years ago. I know that he was definitely the right guy for me but i got rid of him. I've missed him dearly over the years. But, I know our time has passed now & I'm afraid I'm going to be on my own... and it's my own fault.

Pippy1976 wrote: »

I hope I will meet someone... as a girl gets older the window of opportunity gets further & further away. It's worrying for me at times and I guess it's the regret of losing him 7 years ago that makes me want to turn the clock back. If only, huh?!

It seems to me that the motivating factor for all of this is that you're afraid of being "on the shelf". If you really wanted to get back with this bloke, it wouldn't have taken 7 years to do it (he lives near you, you could have phoned him, and told him directly how you feel).

OP, I suspect you're only feeling this way because your last relationship has ended, and I suspect it wasn't ended by you.

Pippy1976

I'm not afraid of being on the shelf but I do regret ending something that all these years later feels as though it may have been right all along. I never said I wanted to get back with him... I would like to meet him and talk though.

I haven't been in the country for a long time so I couldn't have called to his house (and wouldn't that be a bit psycho anyway!! haha). I have tried to call him the odd time over the years (maybe once or twice) but I hang up before it even starts dialling. He wouldn't answer to me anyway, why would he??

My last relationship has ended... about 3 years ago so it's not like I'm raw and emotional. I'm totally over that and have moved on, long ago.

LegacyUser

BraziliaNZ wrote: »

well you need to think of what it's like to be dumped. The guy was probably in bits for months, years even. And then you're trying to get him out to meet you etc? I can think of a certain ex, who dumped me before, and if she was to contact me in a few years looking to meet up etc, I'd think she was pathetic, to be honest. It would be obvious that she hadn't gotten on with her life and she was lonely.
You dumped him because you wanted another bloke, let him keep his dignity now and leave him alone.

Aren't people allowed make mistakes?

Sometimes you can't appreciate what you have until you've lost it, or risked it. The OP made a mistake but if you go through life without being able to forgive others (and yourself) you'll have a tough time of it.

jackhammer

OP, so now you're saying you're not afraid of being on the shelf, but two of your previous posts contradict this, as highlighted in my previous post!

I still think that based on your previous posts, that you're afraid of being on the shelf. If that's not the case, please explain the quotes in #14.

You split up with the guy 7 years ago for the new guy who in turn ditched you.

You haven't had another significant relationship in 3 years and you're worried about not finding a 'soulmate'. Because of that, you're now trying to get back with the 1st guy, who 7 years ago, you know was clearly more into you than you into him, and that may seem to you to be your best chance of not being on your own.

Sorry if I'm sounding harsh but that's the way I see it.

newuser30

I dont see a problem with the OP seeing the error in her ways, and regretting the way she handled things in the past. If there was a chance you could be friends then fine you should go for it OP. I just dont think that you should expect anything from this guy. The important word is past and as I said in earlier post he has most likely moved on. The real issue here is that you are alone and really think you should get out there and try meeting new people, if you were to meet someone new who you fancied, fact is you wouldn't be thinking about him at all!

Pippy1976

@newuser30 Thanks! I really do regret the way I handled things. I've seen the error in my ways. I don't expect anything from this guy because we're not even friends. He's replied to me once in 7 years!

It's just weird that I still think of him, everything is as clear as day and I miss him still. I know we won't ever be together again but I know I'll always think of him.

I've been with guys over the years and thought about his guy even then. I don't want to meet anyone, I'm not actively seeking someone out & I think that's the way I like it.

Thanks for ALL the help & advice. It's helped writing it all down as I've never shared this with people before.

MsHolloway

sunflower27 wrote: »

Would you ever consider emailing him the truth? No doubt he spent a long time doubting himself. it is unlikely he just presumed you cheated and couldn't deal with what you had done.

I wondered this myself, OP have you told him the truth in any of the emails? Ever tried to explain what happened all those years ago and how you feel now?

I don't know, maybe thats really bad advice but I can't help wondering if you should just be truthful. Whats the worse that could happen? That he is with someone now? that he's moved on? Well then least you would know and you could draw a line underneath it all.

Life is short and all that

lesserspottedchloe

O.P. this might not be much help but if I was you I'd email him back and be a bit more direct, tell him that you still think about him and wonder about things that might have been-ask him why after all this time he's suddenly decided to contact you?

Life's too short and too important to beat around the bush with matters of the heart. Put yourself out on a limb and even if it goes belly up-so what you tried! Dont turn around and still be wondering 'what if' in another seven years.

Ye were young when ye broke up and a lot changes in that space of time.

Good luck and let us know how you get on either way!

I am a friend

laylah wrote: »

O.P. this might not be much help but if I was you I'd email him back and be a bit more direct, tell him that you still think about him and wonder about things that might have been-ask him why after all this time he's suddenly decided to contact you?

Life's too short and too important to beat around the bush with matters of the heart. Put yourself out on a limb and even if it goes belly up-so what you tried! Dont turn around and still be wondering 'what if' in another seven years.

Ye were young when ye broke up and a lot changes in that space of time.

Good luck and let us know how you get on either way!

I agree with this 100% and, if i were him, I would not be extending the olive branch especially after having my heartbroken once. OP I think you need to lay it out on the table for him. ask to meet him and then talk to him.

Pippy1976

Thanks one & all for the help.

I can't lay it on the line... I haven't got the guts for that & I'm afraid of his answer.

dellas1979

Now, if youd given a good reason not to tell him whats going on in your mind, Id say fair enough, but the reason being no guts and scared of his answer is not a good reason.

As they say, no guts, no glory. Open yourself up for goodness sake. Something you've always shyed away from with him, and be honest. If you can leave it alone and think "yep in a few months/years time I wont even be thinking about this-no regrets" then leave it. I strongly believe in second chances.

Pippy1976

No guts, no glory. Good advice that. I'll let you know what I decide. I've been composing an email over the last few days - it never quite gets close to what I really mean to say though....

dellas1979

If youve been composing an email over the last few days, then you know what you want to do. Its fear standing in your way.
You dont have anything to loose, and everything to gain, and look even if it doesnt result in him giving the feelings back, it will be therapeutic in a way and you can lay ghosts to rest and no regrets.

BraziliaNZ

dellas1979 wrote: »

You dont have anything to loose, and everything to gain

In my opinion she could be rejected which would result in loss of dignity and self esteem

dellas1979

BraziliaNZ wrote: »

In my opinion she could be rejected which would result in loss of dignity and self esteem

No she wont loose any dignity and self esteem. Quite the opposite.

What will keep turning and twisting in her (and remember it has been this way for several years) is saying nothing at all. Now is her chance. If she thinks its the right thing to do for her, she will do it. If not, she needs to let go some other way and move on.